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NIALL Inc. shows bumper profits
Shares in NIALL rose in early trading Tuesday when the company announced record profits for the trading year ending May 31st 2005.
CEO Niall Connolly surprisingly answered our phone call and arranged to meet to talk about the results.
Wearing a dapper pink cardigan ensemble, Connolly looks every bit the homeless bum he usually does. He was in buoyant mood however.
"These results firmly put NIALL on the map", he said. "Revenue was way up, and spending was vastly decreased" he noted, while taking a half-eaten sandwich out of a rubbish bin.
When I asked about his sources of income, he mentioned that 40% of income came from speaking to people in an activity called "English teaching".
Despite babbling incoherently between sips from a whisky bottle inside a brown paper bag, it appear that NIALL has a product that people want.
15% of NIALL's income came from his performances on the pool table. Using one of the two remaining cues at KOP, Connolly managed to win / cheat (delete as applicable) what the London Financial Times referred to as "a significant six-figure sum".
When I asked him about the costs of running a corporation like NIALL, the CEO was typically unabashed.
"Total spending on new clothes came to zero, which was down 15,000 won from 2003/4" he grins, "though spending on needles and thread has skyrocketed".
It seems that NIALL spent big on consultant advice also. Credited in the report only as "James' son", it would appear that this guy, whoever he is, is charging heavily for his services.
He also blamed Liverpool's good European run, for causing extra funds to be diverted to alcohol and taxis. "That was money I had reserved for a haircut. Now I'll have to use somebody's clippers or something". After another sip from the paper bag he added "f*ckin' red scum".
The other 45% of NIALL's income comes from ratting out illegal teachers to immigration, which earns the corporation 500K a pop. This squealing earned him 80 million Won in the past year.
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Connaughton moves to deny Mafia link
In a short statement on Monday afternoon, Chris Connaughton's press officer moved to deny any "ties with Russian Mafia whatsoever". He also warned that "any journalist attempting to insinuate such a story would immediately be assassinated".
"Permanently".
Connaughton, long known as "Chrissy KGB" due to his penchant for poker, Russian women, and being a sleeper agent for the KGB, has recently gone undercover in the guise of a goofy, soccer-playing, slow-thinking doofus.
This website, however can see through the disguise, and has been gathering information to expose the spy/assassin/doofus.
In an exclusive interview with one of Chris' 'associates', she told us how she first became suspicious when people were calling at 3am wanting to speak to "General Valeriye Ivan Connaughtonovitch.
When I asked Chris about it, he told me to 'Drobyna Palski', which he said was Canadian for "go back to sleep, bitch".
That was enough to get this journalist on the case. I paid off the bartenders at J-Rock for a sly look at the bar-tab book.
as I suspected the General has been drinking Vodka and Oranges by the dozen.
When I talked to renowned double agent Kim Philby, he told me the startling information that "Russians like Vodka".
I had barely recovered from that shock when he added "and the KGB have long been advocating orange juice as a good supply of Vitamin C".
Other possible evidence includes
a) the cache of AK-47's in his closet
b) Russian passport and
c) mugshot on www.fbi.com/10mostwanted
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An-Seong takes top spot
The staff at An-Seong Highway Service Area were celebrating Monday when an informal survey among de la Cuban team members pronounced them "Best of the Rest (areas)"
An-Seong were praised for their "good selection of bottled waters" and "none of that shitty throat music in the car park".
The staff at 2004 Champions Cheonan, were notably deflated to drop down to 3rd place. There were several bad points noted against them that cost points in the final vote.
"The toilets are a disgrace" said Matt Anderson. "I laid a turd on the floor on our trip up to play Seoul Celtic, and it still hadn't been cleaned up when we went to play Han River, 2 months later".
John Henry Bonham also noted that their fried chicken "just isn't greasy enough for me. I like to feel a heavy stomach full of oil right before a game, and Cheonan just don't supply me with the fuel I need. Just a superstition I have".
When I talked to Cheonan general manager Kim Pyu-bear, he told me in their defence that they were still "waiting for clearance from the Korean Nuclear Authority" before approaching the offending turd in the bathrooms. He also pointed out that the grease in their chicken was especially high in heart-clogging saturated fats, which he felt made up for other healthy alternatives, like the salads.
Well, with the de la Cubans facing 7 road trips in the fall, the battle for King of The Service Stops is only warming up.
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Bus scandal escalates
Supporters of Daejeon de la Cuba FC were up in arms today over a proposed ban on traveling to away games.
"Proposition 24", if it passes will see a permanent cessation of travel for all non-playing personell to away games.
In an exclusive interview with this website, a Daejeon de la Cuba Football Club Supporter's Club spokesperson called this proposal a 'scandal'.
"We at the DDLCFCSC think this ban is another kick in the teeth to our long fight to see quality football. To be denied the chance to see SBFC Jokers live is a travesty of justice"
The spokesperson, who only spoke on the condition of anonymity added "We are planning a protest at Chung-Nam university main gate on Sunday morning". Megan wouldn't reveal the nature of this protest but said mysteriously "People driving near CNU should expect long delays."
A Daejeon Policeman, Kim Bum-Suck, urged families and lone women to stay away, and added that all officers on the scene would be kitted out in riot gear. he warned "Any action that might delay the mighty de la Cuba from a glorious victory will be looked upon very harshly".
"Very harshly indeed"
Sobering words there from Bum-Suck, but if the women of DDLCFCSC have their way, this Sunday could be Armegeddon.
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Fight at KOP leaves just two standing
Sometimes the true extent of a tragedy can only be seen well after the event, and in the case of Matt Anderson Vs. Kim Ran-dom, that has proved sadly true.
My visit to the site of the ill-timed brawl, that took place just moments before the denoument and peno shootout for the FA Cup Final revealed that only two pool cues survived the carnage.
And one of those cues is warped.
Local pro billiards player and sometime KOP dancee Kim Bum-suck's voice was reduced to a meer whisper as he lamented the wood-bath. Rubbing a small splinter between his fingers, he wiped away a tear and delivered an impassioned plea for peace.
"Nobody stops to think of all the innocent victims among this senseless violence"
Jay, capo di tutta capi at KOP (or "The Timber Graveyard" as some have come to call it) has been so grief-ridden by the catastrophe that staff members report "he just stays for hours playing music, constantly turning the music up louder and louder as if trying to exorcise his demons".
In memory of Rory and Billy-bob as the two fallen cues were affectionately known, there will be a 10,000 Won all-you-can-drink draft beer promotion every week until the end of time. "It's what they would've wanted", Belinda said.
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Daejeon de la Cuba.
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