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" Who's On First "
Who's On First?
By Abbott and Costello
A Word-for-Word Transcript
Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bucky Harris, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.
Abbott: I certainly do.
Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.
Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...
Costello: His brother Daffy.
Abbott: Daffy Dean...
Costello: And their French cousin.
Abbott: French?
Costello: Goofè.
Abbott: Goofè Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...
Costello: That's what I want to find out.
Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You gonna be the coach too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who's on first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow's name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The first baseman.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playing...
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: I'm asking YOU who's on first.
Abbott: That's the man's name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Who's playing first?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Abbott: Every dollar of it.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy that gets...
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Who gets the money...
Abbott: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Costello: Whose wife?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Abbott: What's wrong with that?
Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: How does he sign...
Abbott: That's how he signs it.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Yes.
PAUSE
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.
Abbott: No. What is on second base.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: One base at a time!
Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.
Costello: I'm not changing nobody!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: Ok.
Abbott: All right.
PAUSE
Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?
Abbott: No. What is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third, we're not talking about him.
Costello: Now how did I get on third base?
Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.
Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
Abbott: No. Who's playing first.
Costello: What's on first?
Abbott: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third.
Costello: There I go, back on third again!
PAUSE
Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.
Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now who's playing third base?
Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
Costello: What am I putting on third.
Abbott: No. What is on second.
Costello: You don't want who on second?
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together:Third base!
PAUSE
Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.
Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field.
Abbott: Who's playing first.
Costello: I'm not... stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?
Abbott: No, What is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first!
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!
PAUSE
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: Because!
Abbott: Oh, he's centerfield.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The pitcher's name?
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don't want to tell me today?
Abbott: I'm telling you now.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott: Tomorrow!
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching.
Costello: I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?
Abbott: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!
PAUSE
Costello: Gotta a catcher?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: The catcher's name?
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.
Abbott: Now you've got it.
Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.
PAUSE
Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.
Abbott: So they tell me.
Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
PAUSE
Abbott: That's all you have to do.
Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: Now who's got it?
Abbott: Naturally.
PAUSE
Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott: No you don't, you throw the ball to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's different.
Costello: That's what I said.
Abbott: You're not saying it...
Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbott: You throw it to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's what I said!
Abbott: You ask me.
Costello: I throw the ball to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask me.
Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!
Abbott: What?
Costello: I said I don't give a darn!
Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.
Who's on First by Abbott and Costello
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Yogi-isms !
Yogi-isms
Many of the malaprop quotes now attributed to Yogi Berra were from stories originally told by former ballplayer turned broadcaster Joe Garagiola, who was a childhood friend of Berra's and loved to tell stories about Berra's accidental humor, and others have been attributed to him because they seem characteristic of his style. As he himself is said to have put it, referring to the numerous "Yogiisms" floating around: "I didn't really say everything I said."
A good ball club.
When asked what makes a good manager of a baseball team.
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Always go to other peoples' funerals otherwise they won't go to yours.
I usually take a two hour nap from 1 to 4.
I want to thank you for making this day necessary.
On Yogi Berra day in 1947 in St. Louis. By his account, he asked a teammate to write a speech, and he misspoke, saying "necessary" instead of "possible."
If I didn't wake up, I'd still be sleeping.
If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be.
If you don't know where you're going, you'll wind up somewhere else.
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.
This has also been attributed to computer scientist Jan L. A. van de Snepscheut.
It ain't over 'til it's over.
It gets late awfully early around here.
Referring to New York City.
It was hard to have a conversation with anyone; there were so many people talking.
It's like déjà vu all over again.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
Ninety percent of this game is mental, and the other half is physical.
A variant of this:"Ninety percent of this game is half mental" is also attributed to Philadelphia Philles manager Danny Ozark
Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded.
Overwhelming underdogs.
Describing the 1969 New York Mets.
Slump? I ain't in no slump! I just ain't hitting.
Surprise me!
When his wife, Carmen, asked where he would like to be buried.
The future ain't what it used to be.
Think? How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?
We have a good time together, even when we're not together.
Talking about his wife, Carmen. He implied he likes to have some time away, but also likes to get back together.
We made too many wrong mistakes.
On why the Yankees lost the 1960 series to the Pittsburgh Pirates.
What? You mean right now?
When asked what time it was.
When you get to a fork in the road, take it.
Berra says this is part of driving directions to his house in Montclair, New Jersey. There is a fork in the road, and whichever way you take, you will get to his house.
Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.
You better make it four. I don't think I could eat eight.
At a dinner in an Italian restaurant, when asked how many slices should be cut in his pizza.
You can observe a lot by watching.
You don't look so hot yourself.
Reply when told he looked cool in his summer suit by the New York Mayor's wife.
You have to give 100 percent in the first half of the game. If that isn't enough, in the second half, you have to give what's left
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District 6-5A Standings
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Team |
Won |
Lost |
Tied |
Pct. |
G.B. |
RF |
RA |
| Coppell |
13 |
1 |
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| Flower Mound |
8 |
6 |
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| Marcus |
8 |
6 |
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| Dragons |
6 |
8 |
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| Hebron |
5 |
9 |
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| Lewisville |
2 |
12 |
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| as of: 4/26/09 |
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2009 Game Results
Round Rock Tournament:
Game 1)...RR McNeil...9 Dragons...5
Game 2)...Austin Anderson...11 Dragons...11
Game 3)..Round Rock HS..5 Dragons...4
Game 5)..Lubbock Monterey..4 Dragons...11
Mid Cities Tournament:
Game 6)..Paschal...8 Dragons...5
Game 7)..Trinity...8 Dragons...19
Game 8)..WF Rider...1 Dragons...11
Game 9)..Richland...13 Dragons...2
Game 10)..Lamar...3 Dragons...4
District Games:
Game 11)...Coppell...11 Dragons...2
Game 12)...Marcus....5 Dragons...2
Game 13)...Marcus....4 Dragons...7
Non-District:
Game 14)...Fossil Ridge 7 Dragons...13
District Games:
Game 15)...Flower Mound 9 Dragons...8
Game 16)...Flower Mound 9 Dragons...13
Game 17)...Hebron 5 Dragons...2
Game 18)...Hebron 1 Dragons...2
Game 19)...Heritage 7 Dragons...8
District:
Game 20)...Lewisville..2 Dragons...13
Game 21)...Lewisville...4 Dragons....12
Game 22)...Coppell....7 Dragons...5
Game 23)...Coppell....7 Dragons....6
Game 24)...Marcus.....10 Dragons....2
Game 25)...Flower Mound...13 Dragons 2
Game 26)..Hebron 6 Dragons 10 (13-12-1.....6-8) *clinched 4th seed playoff birth
Playoffs:
Game 27)...Heritage 1 Dragons 3
Game 28...Heritage 2 Dragons 3 ( Dragons win series )
Game 29)...Plano West 3 Dragons 4 ( Dragons win series )
Game 30)...Flower Mound 9 Dragons 8
Game 31)...Flower Mound 5 Dragons 4 ( Dragons lose series ) ( 16-14-1 )
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