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RANT OF THE MONTH - The NEW MSBL “All Star” Game
The NEW MSBL has come a long way since it’s inception in 2006. The league has grown from four to ten teams. The talent in the league has gotten much better. There is now a North and a South Division and a more sophisticated playoff system (even though it does not end until November).
The NEW MSBL has a problem, and it is not corked bats and steroids.
At the professional level, the All-Star Game has always been a benchmark by which the best players in the game are judged. The MLB has always sold the “All-Star” spectacle of the best playing against the best in a way that excited the fans.
To date, the same cannot be said of the NEW MSBL All-Star Game. This event, which has historically been played over the Fourth of July weekend, has yet to build up any prestige. Is this due to the holiday weekend? Maybe. Is this due to the appointment process that has allowed players hitting .100 to play in the contest? Definitely.
The NEW MSBL needs to figure out a way to make this game relevant. The league needs to determine a way to get the best players from every team to care about playing in the All-Star Game. Should the winner (North or South) of the NEW MSBL All-Star Game win home field advantage in the best-of-three championship series? This is an intriguing idea, but with the season now being seventeen games, I am not sure that we would want to take anything away from whatever team finishes that marathon with the best overall record. Maybe the opportunity to play at Fox Cities Stadium or Joannes Stadium would be a sufficient reward.
Once the game becomes relevant, the league will need to figure out an unbiased way to make sure that the most deserving players will be on the field for each division when the first pitch is thrown. The league needs to make the shift from “who is available to play” to “who deserves to play.” To accomplish this, I would propose the following:
1. The NEW MSBL Board conducts a meeting in July and the All-Star rosters are selected at that meeting. Each NEW MSBL manager would be required to submit a list of five prospective All-Stars to the Board a week in advance of this meeting.
2. The NEW MSBL Board will then select an All-Star Game roster of twenty players for each division. The top fifteen players will be the active roster and the remaining five players will considered the reserves (in case an active player is unable to accept their invitation).
3. Allow the two mangers from the previous year’s championship series to manage the game. Obviously, this is not possible in 2009 since both managers would be from the South Division; however, in 2010 it would be feasible.
3. There is no requirement that an equal number of players be selected from each team (i.e. in 2006, the Ashwaubenon A’s may have had seven players worthy of an All-Star Game selection whereas the Kewaunee Eagles may not have had a player worthy of being part of the game).
4. Schedule the game on a Friday or Saturday night late in the regular season or shortly after the conclusion of the season. Ensure that the game is not held on a holiday.
I am certain that these suggestions will not resolve the issue overnight; however, something needs to be done if the NEW MSBL wants to legitimize the “All-Star” Game. Regardless of your opinion on the matter, I am sure that you would have a tough time debating a game that would pitch (Joe Bemis, Gus Gospodarek, Brandon Roth, John Daniels, and Joe Huiting) against (Dave Nipp, Greg Meisinger, Mark Radke, Vince Price, and Nick Olsen).
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WHERE ARE THEY NOW? - RUSS ARENT
Russ Arent played in the NEW MSBL from 2006 until 2007. Russ started with the Green Bay Red Sox (now known as the Green Bay Wicked). With that team Russ hit .265 and had five runs scored, eight runs batted in, and two stolen bases. On July 16, 2006, Russ went 4-4 against the Kewaunee Eagles and drove in a season-high six runs. As a pitcher, Russ had a dominant earned run average of 1.50 and nearly struck out one batter for every inning pitched. After the 2006 season, Russ ventured out on his own and managed the expansion Appleton Cardinals squad that finished the regular season 3-12. The Cardinals were solid in the playoffs and beat the rival Appleton Cubs to secure a third place finish.
Managing the Cardinals was not an easy task for Arent. Going into the first game of the season, many of the players did not know each other and there were many “growing pains” associated with the Cardinals franchise. The Cardinals ended up folding in 2007 and many former Cardinals players ventured off to form the Outagamie Outlaws (it is still highly disputed as to whether the Outlaws are a new expansion franchise or whether they are a continuation of the Appleton Cardinals).
After resigning from the NEW MSBL, Russ signed with the Nagoya Chunichi Dragons of Japan's Nippon Adult Baseball League (NABL).
Right away, the Russ clashed with the Japanese culture and he at times alienated his new teammates (many teammates took offense to a “pop” quiz they were presented with on the first day of practice). Russ believed the rules and management style of his new skipper, Uchiyama were ludicrous and he continued to do things his way (i.e. bunting with two strikes and refusing to take signs from a catcher while pitching in an effort to prevent the other team from stealing the signs…a tactic that would be of use against the Kaukauna Islanders back in the NEW MSBL), which lead to his already dwindling performance to suffer more. Russ’ only ally on the team is another American ballplayer, D.G. Mitchell, but even he was fed up with Russ's attitude and lack of respect for the game and his team.
After one too many outbursts, including punching out his interpreter (during a brawl started by an argument over the All-Star voting), Russ was suspended. Russ later had to swallow his pride and admit his deficiencies. In a rare show of humility, Russ apologized to the team, who rally around him and teach him the value of sportsmanship and respect for hard work. Uchiyama lifted Russ’ suspension and began to work with Russ on improving his play. The reinvigorated Russ Arent’s enthusiasm for team play was contagious and the mediocre Dragons become contenders for the NABL pennant. In the process, Russ also utilized a Japanese tradition of being able to tell off Uchiyama to convince him to encourage his players to be more aggressive and "have a little fun".
Eventually, Russ got the opportunity to break Uchiyama's record of seven consecutive games with a home run. His new-found respect for team play became apparent in a crucial game against the rival Yomiuri Giants. With the bases loaded, two outs and his team down 6-5, the team brass expects Uchiyama to signal for a bunt to try and tie the game, even though it would deny Russ the chance to break the home run record. Russ went to Uchiyama and asked if he read the sign correctly. Uchiyama nods and tells him to swing away, knowing that a home run would break his record. Russ took a called strike one with a questionable call on the first pitch. Russ fouled the second pitch back. Faced with a no ball, two strike count, Russ saw the Giants' infield playing deep and bunts. The Giants are caught off guard and the bunt is successful in allowing the tying run to cross. As the Giants struggle to field the ball, Russ ran through and knocked over one of the Giants' players, which caused a throwing error and allowed the winning run to score from second base.
With the Dragons winning the pennant, Russ retired with the MVP trophy. It is rumored that he is now an Assistant Professor in the Department of Writing, Rhetoric, and American Cultures at Michigan State University - Dubai.
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WISCONSIN MAN TAKES SPEEDING TICKET TO SUPREME COURT
Wisconsin State Journal
May 28, 2009
When Wisconsin State Trooper Hank Grogan pulled over a 2001 Ford Taurus for going 86 mph in a 65 mph zone in April 2002, he was not expecting to make national headlines. The man that he pulled over that day was John Daniels. Daniels has been fighting that speeding ticket for nearly six years and that battle is on its way to Washington D.C.
The Wisconsin Court of Appeals upheld a Fond du Lac County Circuit Court judge’s ruling that John Daniels was guilty of speeding and agreed with his decision to deny a motion for a new trial at the circuit court level. Daniels filed a petition for certiorari with the U.S. Supreme Court and it was granted. “It’s now in the Supreme Court’s hands,” said Daniel’s attorney, fellow Outagamie Outlaw Rob Collins. “It could be up to twelve months before they deliver a decision.”
For John Daniels, contesting this speeding ticket has become a crusade that he insists is a matter of principle. Daniels has repeatedly argued to the Wisconsin State Courts that the trooper’s radar gun did not get a reading indicative of how fast his vehicle was going. Daniels claims that the radar gun clocked an ice cube that Daniels had throw out of the window.
The passenger in the vehicle, Mike Van Eperen, has testified at all of the appellate hearings and his testimony has been consistent. Van Eperen is adamant that the vehicle was going no more than 68 mph. “We had just stopped at Culvers and there was an ice chunk in John’s Raspberry Lemon Ice Cooler…all John did was throw that chunk out of the window,” testified Van Eperen at the last appellate review.
Trooper Grogan was contacted this week, but declined comment. Grogan plays for the Kaukauna Islanders and struck out on three straight pitches when faced. Outlaw catcher Mark Bockhaus overheard Grogan mumble “maybe it was an ice cube” on his walk back to the dugout. It is doubtful that the Supreme Court Justices will allow this hearsay testimony into evidence when oral arguments commence.
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Chuck Royce Takes MSBL Dispute To The Next Level
In 1989, Mirage produced a movie about baseball that was partially filmed at County Stadium in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. This movie, entitled “Major League”, featured a quote that applies to the Outagamie Outlaws baseball club. Coach Lou Brown, experimenting with convict pitcher Rick Vaughn, said, “Okay Vaughn. They say you're a pitcher, you're sure not much of a dresser. We wear caps and sleeves on this level, son.”
In 2007, Chuck Royce drove his Harley Davidson motorcycle down to Wylie Field in Appleton, Wisconsin to watch a NEW MSBL baseball game. Royce, after seeing how much fun all of the players were having, gave his contact information to Manager Paul Deal of the Appleton Cubs. Due to the fact that the Appleton Cardinals had recently lost some players due to injury, Royce ended up signing on with the Cardinals. Royce played the balance of the season with the Cardinals and did so proudly wearing a sleeveless shirt. Royce enjoyed playing baseball so much that he signed on with the Outagamie Outlaws in 2008.
During the winter months, NEW MSBL officials convened and decided to ban playing in sleeveless shirts for the 2008 season. This decision upset Chuck Royce and led him to hire legal counsel to challenge that particular ruling. At the preliminary hearing, Royce’s counsel made an unconventional argument. Royce’s counsel told the judge that the gun industry sold approximately 4.7 million guns in 2005. If that many people were buying guns at the store, then how many people are we denying the opportunity to see Chuck Royce and his Sunday evening “gun show.” The Circuit Court Judge denied Royce’s request to overturn the NEW MSBL ruling. Apparently, Royce has appealed this decision to the Wisconsin Supreme Court based on his Second Amendment right to bear arms.
Chuck Royce declined comment today prior to his third plate appearance. Royce was wearing sleeves under protest and is hoping that the ruling will be overturned in time for the 2009 season. On his way to the plate, you could hear Chris Patt, the announcer, say, "Now coming to bat is Chuck 'The Stuntman' Royce. Last season was a fine one for Royce, we all know that. He batted .420 with 45 RBI’s. He enters today's game with a Blood Alcohol Content of .16. If you kids scoring at home, that is an impressive 'twice' the legal limit.” Royce’s appellate attorney, Rob Collins, denied that allegation.
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NEW MSBL All Star Ballot Under Review
By: Chester Copperpot
Appleton Sun Times
There has been wide spread panic in Wisconsin due to the recent flooding and the NEW MSBL All Star Voting Process. What started out as a simple online poll, has turned into a campaigning event that would make President Eisenhower proud. Chris Hoffman called residents in the Fox Valley in an attempt to secure votes. One call consisted of, "Hi there, this is Chris Hoffman. I play a little first base in the NEW MSBL. To be honest with you I pretty much own the league ha, ha, ha. Chris Hoffman is a guy with a dream. His dream is to become an All Star in the MSBL. Hell, every guy's got his dream, am I right? Between you, me and the wall here, I doozy myself last night. Ha ha, ha, ha. Get this: A corn-fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles yo-yo's, a circus midget. My grandmother riding by on a bicycle give me the finger, and a duck! Now, I don't know ha, ha, ha. Are you crying? Oh my lord. I am sorry honey, please don't ! Could you get your daddy on the phone. No, don't hang up please I..." Needless to say, this caller hung up and voted for Mark Bockhaus.
Utility player Rob Collins was accused by Brad Royce of using dead voters to enhance his chances of playing in the elite baseball game that is strategically being held on a holiday weekend. Chris Holder gave Brad Royce the name of a person who voted for Collins, cryptically telling him "find him, and you'll find your answer." Brad and Chuck Royce searched the telephone listings for the name Holder gave them, Edgar Neubauer, but cannot find him. They try the library next, without success. As Brad and Chuck begin to lose hope, Chuck notices a tombstone in an Appleton Cemetary with the name "Edgar Neubauer." Brad still has the voter records, which he pulls out at this time. He discovered that many of those listed as voting for Collins are in fact dead and buried in the Appleton Cemetery (even pets from the Pet Cemetary are listed as voting for Collins).
Bryan Gorney has been hired by the MSBL and has vowed to clean up the online voting. Gorney issued a public statement, to a crowd consisting of Marty Crownhart and Fred Bocskor. Gorney emphatically stated, "the time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me!"
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THE GOSPADAREK SCANDAL
Amid reports that he had bet on baseball, Outagamie Outlaw player Jim “Gus” Gospadarek was questioned last month by Commissioner Jeff Jarvi and his predecessor, Joe Viau. Gospadarek denied the allegations. Investigator Chris Patt was retained to investigate these charges against Gospadarek. A Post Crescent cover story published on April 3, 2008 gave the public their first detailed report of the allegations that Gospadarek had placed bets on baseball games and at gas stations en route to these games.
Patt interviewed many of Gospadarek's associates, including alleged bookies and bet runners. He delivered a summary of his findings to the Commissioner in May, a document which became known as the Patt Report. In it, Patt documented Gospadarek's alleged gambling activities in 2007 and 2008 and compiled a day-by-day account of Gospadarek's alleged betting on baseball games in 2006. The Patt Report documented his alleged bets on 52 MSBL games in 2006, where Gospadarek wagered a minimum of $10,000 a day. Others involved in the allegations claim that number was actually $2,000 a day.
According to the Patt Report itself, "no evidence was discovered that Gospadarek bet against the Outlaws." This is in contrast to the case of "Shoeless" Joe Jackson and his teammates in the Black Sox Scandal, who were accused of intentionally losing the 1919 World Series.
Gospadarek continued to deny all of the accusations against him and refused to appear at a hearing with Jarvi on the matter. He filed a lawsuit alleging that the Commissioner had prejudged the case and could not provide a fair hearing. A Brown County, Wisconsin judge issued a temporary restraining order to delay the hearing, but Jarvi fought to have the case moved to Federal Court. The Commissioner prevailed in that effort, after which he and Gospadarek entered settlement negotiations where Gospadarek promised not to strike the Commissioner out.
On May 22, 2008, Gospadarek voluntarily accepted a permanent place on the Milwaukee MSBL’s ineligible list. Gospadarek accepted that there was a factual reason for the ban; in return, Milwaukee MSBL agreed to make no formal finding with regard to the gambling allegations. According to baseball's rules, Gospadarek could reapply for reinstatement. Gospadarek began therapy with a psychiatrist for treatment of a gambling addiction. After his latest therapy session Gospadarek spoke with the Post Crescent. Gospadarek quipped, “first prize at the World Series of Poker is a million bucks. Does it have my name on it? I don't know. But, I'm gonna find out.”
In other news: Outlaw Chris Hoffman was formally charged in Brown County (WI) Circuit Court for 3 counts of Criminal Damage to Propety. These charges stem from an incident that allegedly took place on April 21, 2008. A vehicle owned by a waitress at the Tilted Kilt was vandalized. Police reports indicate that the convertible top of the vehicle was slashed, the tires were deflated, and the word “Hore” was keyed into the side of the vehicle. Hoffman’s third grade teacher provided a tip to the Green Bay Police Department after hearing of the atrocious spelling error. Hoffman’s attorney had this to say: “His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, 'cause Chris Hoffman is innocent.”
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Marty Crownhart, Ex-Pitcher
October 16, 2007
By the time he took his first legal drink, Marty Crownhart was already an accomplished senior league pitcher. As a teenager he was both the High School Pitcher of the Year and the American Legion Player of the Year. At age 29, his first full year in the NEW MSBL, he won 1 game for the Cardinals, struck out over a man per inning, and logged an ERA a run below the league average. He possessed a mid-70s fastball and a devastating slider – the best I’ve ever seen – and his future seemed unimaginably vast.
Then one afternoon everything fell apart. You all know the story: he started Game 1 of the 2007 MSBL playoffs against the Sturgeon, was sailing along with a big lead in the third inning, then walked four of the next eight hitters and uncorked five wild pitches. His throws hit off the catcher’s glove, hit the backstop, hit everything but the Durham Bull. It was a disaster, an agonizing meltdown on local TV.
The years since have been both strange and oddly familiar for Marty Crownhart, a ceaseless round of hopes and disappointments, one on top of the other. Last fall, after an odyssey that included maddening control problems and Tommy John surgery, Crownhart made a triumphant return to the MSBL. He pitched only 10 innings, but he struck out nine, walked only one, and flashed the same brilliant stuff he had as a rookie years back. With a solid stint in the cheaper Mexican winter league, the Cards’ brain trust silently penciled him in as a starter in place of the recovering Shane Lamon.
But just over a week ago Crownhart fell off the wagon once again. In a series of simulated at-bats against the heart of the Cards’ lineup, Crownhart began “feathering” his pitches – several thudded into the dirt in front of home plate, and some sailed to the back of the batting cage. Of the 23 pitches he threw that day, only three were strikes.
Yesterday Crownhart announced that he was quitting the pitching business altogether. It was unsettling news, but certainly not shocking. If you’ve followed the saga of Marty Crownhart, you’re far from shockable at this point. But that doesn’t make the breakdown of his career any less mysterious.
Everyone in Appleton has a pet theory about what went wrong with Marty Crownhart, the same way every Oxford scholar has his own explanation for the outbreak of World War I. One theory holds that Crownhart suffered from a kind of nerve disorder, that his sense of kinesthetic awareness had gotten out of whack.
Another theory blames Russ Arent. After all, it was Arent who threw poor Crownhart into the pressure cooker as his Game 1 starter in the playoffs. Delay his turn in the rotation and everything would be fine today – or so the thinking goes. A related theory says Crownhart went wild because his regular catcher, Matt Barone, wasn’t behind the plate on that fateful day in 2007. (Call it the Curse of Mark Bockhaus.)
Still others chalk up Crownhart’s problems to sheer performance anxiety. If you look at the athletes who suffered symptoms similar to Crownhart’s, you’ll notice a common thread: nearly all of them ran into mental roadblocks when they had time to become conscious (even hyper-conscious) of what they were doing. Think of Steve Blass on the mound, alone with his thoughts as he goes into his windup. Same goes for Nick Anderson at the free throw line, Ian Baker-Finch lining up a short putt, Mackey Sasser lobbing a throw to the pitcher, or Chuck Knoblauch making a routine toss to first. Notably, it’s not hitters – whose actions are more reflexive – who suffer from this kind of anxiety. It’s the guys who have time to think.
So what was Marty Crownhart thinking when he was out there on the mound? An article by Gabe Jordan, which ran in the Post Crescent a few months ago, paints Crownhart as a kid who suffered from excess sensitivity, who fed into all the pressures that bore down on him. In one heartbreaking passage, Crownhart describes his childhood: “Well, I was goofy. I walked like a klutz. I spilled milk at the dinner table every night.” Apparently he never lost his self-consciousness, even on the baseball diamond. “I was terribly shy,” he said. “Maybe it was because my dad yelled at me so much. I was afraid to mess up.”
Crownhart’s father, of course, was one of those pushy Little League dads who later did prison time for dealing narcotics. By all accounts his son is the nicest guy in the world – a gleeful imp beloved by his teammates – but Jordan suggests that this same lack of guile may have made Crownhart defenseless when it came to the cauldron of big-league competition. It’s a sad but unfortunate truth that good people don’t always make good athletes. In fact, one sometimes suspects that churlishness – the ability to walk over rivals, a taste for blood – is a positive asset in the world of sports. Nice guys finish last and all.
So what happens next for Marty Crownhart? He says he’s going to try his hand as a full-time hitter, and there are some wishful thinkers who’d have you believe that Crownhart is a legitimate “blue chip prospect” with the bat. These people will tell you that Crownhart has a lifetime MSBL slugging percentage of .736, that he yanked 4 homers as a part-time OF in the NEW MSBL, and that he just may be the second coming of another Cards pitcher-turned-outfielder named Stan Musial.
But it’s silly for anyone – and this includes the Appleton Cardinals – to indulge this fantasy. By the time he was Crownhart’s age, Musial had already won two MVP awards. Crownhart, on the other hand, has struck out in exactly one-sixth of his at-bats in the MSBL. His on-base percentage above MSBL "A" ball is a miniscule .541. He is not a real hitter by any conceivable stretch of the imagination. It’s unfortunate, then, that Crownhart is flirting with the outfield, because it won’t allow him or the Cardinals to truly turn the page. He’ll be just another spring training curiosity, grist for sportswriters on a slow day in March – like Garth Brooks in a Padres uniform, only more depressing.
Some people have speculated that the whole pitcher-turned-outfielder scenario is a ruse. The Cardinals are out of options with Crownhart, see, so they can’t send him to the minors without exposing him to waivers. But if other teams think Crownhart is nothing more than a hitting project, they won’t claim him, especially if it means keeping him on their MSBL roster all year long. Perhaps Arent was simply scaring off potential suitors yesterday when he said of Crownhart “He said he’s not going to pitch. If someone claims him to be a pitcher, it’ll be a costly error.” But this conspiracy theory presumes a lot of work for very little in return. For all intents and purposes it’s best to consider Marty Crownhart retired from baseball.
Crownhart now joins a notorious list of “might’ve beens” from baseball history – Tony Conigliaro, Herb Score, Pete Reiser, Mark Fidrych, Steve Busby, DG Mitchell, and, of course, countless people you’ve never heard of. But we shouldn’t exactly feel sorry for the guy. By my count he made at least $5 by the age of 25 (he won a bet with Doug Weber last year in the batting cages) and, you know, he did get to play in the MSBL (which is more than you can say for flameouts like Brien Taylor or Josh Hamilton).
And let’s face it, after Crownhart hangs up his cleats for good, he’ll follow a career path not unlike countless Americans before him. I mean, very few of us get paid to follow our dreams. By the time we reach age 25, most of us have already set aside our ball gloves or our guitars or our paintbrushes and we’ve started looking for more practical ways to settle down, pay the rent, make do. In a very real sense, then, when we mourn for Marty Crownhart we may as well be mourning ourselves.
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American Baseball Stars Defect
AP
Published March 24, 2008
The Appleton, Wisconsin authorities have confirmed that one of the state's top baseball players, Chris Hoffman, and the bat boy of an Outagamie County team, Jaden Hoffman, have defected to baseball in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico.
The two men disappeared during the Wisconsin Series baseball tournament at Players Choice (Appleton, WI) on March 21, 2008. They failed to appear for the quarterfinal match on Sunday against the Greenville Stars.
The NEW MSBL branded both of them traitors in a statement announcing their desertion.
They join the string of players who defected from the NEW MSBL during the 2000s, some of whom have gone on to play for top Mexican teams.
Low-paid heroes
Hoffman, a left-handed defensive specialist, helped the Appleton Cardinals win the bronze medal in 2007.
He was also a starter with the South team in the 2007 All Star Game. The NEW MSBL blamed his defection on the twenty-six dollar national fee.
"This mysterious fee betrayed the trust that Hoffman had for the league," said a statement released jointly by the Hoffman family and the National Sport Institute. But the NEW MSBL was quick to stress that while the Hoffman defections deprived the country of an "excellent player and bat boy at their best", there were plenty of others capable of taking his place, including Marty Crownhart and Fred Bocskor.
Baseball is as popular in Mexico as it is in the United States but - unlike in America - its rewards are mostly adulation from the fans: players receive only a few dollars more than the average wage and actually pay a ten dollar national fee.
Two top Mexican defectors now playing in the US Major League are Dennys Reyes, who left seven years ago, and his second cousin Oliver Perez, who pitches for the New York Mets.
Two top American defectors that are now playing in Mexican leagues are Billy Joe Robideaux, a former Milwaukee Brewer, and Shane Lamon, a former Appleton Cardinal.
In addition to baseball stars, a steady stream of Americans leave the country and its two-party democratic system each week, correspondents say. The MSBL tried to ease tensions and minimized the defections by blaming them on what is popularly known as a “vacation.”
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February 29th, 2008
With the 2008 season quickly approaching, the Outagamie Outlaws front office is hard at work recruiting to fill their last remaining roster slots. In response to Indiana University’s situation with Kelvin Sampson, the Outlaws have been conscientious not to break any NEW MSBL recruiting violations.
Our latest recruit is a centerfielder that is known as “The Wizard.” The Wizard is a capable leadoff hitter with the potential to break the MSBL single-season stolen base record. At the batting cages this week, Green Bay Wicked slugger Dennis Wilson caught sight of The Wizard. Wilson, who despises The Wizard, mocked his video game skills by stating, “50,000! You only scored 50,000 points on Double Dragon?” The Wizard put on his batting gloves and calmly replied, “You know Wilson, I always knew that you were a jerk. I just until now thought that it was guilt by association.”
An hour later, the team’s newest offensive recruit, “Mikey Walsh”, made an appearance at the batting cages. Marty Crownhart, curious as to Mikey’s collegiate experience, asked the newbie to tell him everything about his career. Mikey, after giving Crownhart a nervous glance, said, “Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my Uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.” Crownhart shook his head and asked, “your batting average would have sufficed!”
The final recruit met a few members of the team at the Stoneyard for a kiddy cocktail. “Amanda Whurlitzer” works in sales and was a collegiate pitcher. It was a tough sell for Bockhaus to convince Amanda to play for the team. Bockhaus bought Amanda a kiddy cocktail and asked him what number he wanted. Amanda, who was bitter about not making his monthly bonus said, “look, Bockhaus, you're not my coach and I'll not move an inch to play baseball for you any more. So why don't you get back into that sardine can of yours and go, go vacuum the bottom of the Pacific Ocean? I've got business to take care of and the team will never win with you in charge.” Bockhaus wiped the tear from his eye, finished his kiddy cocktail, and said the following on his way out of the bar: “all I know is when we win a game, it's a team win. When we lose a game, it's a team loss.” This philosophical approach is rumored to have Amanda considering a spot on the Outlaws roster.
At lunch today, Chris Hoffman approached Fred Bocskor and asked him what his recruit nickname should be. Bocskor told Hoffman that he is already a card-carrying member of the Outlaws and he did not need a nickname. Hoffman, in disgust, said that his name was going to be “McLovin.” The following conversation ensued:
Bocskor: McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Hoffman? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?
Hoffman: Well, it was between that or Muhammed.
Bocskor: Why the heck would it be between THAT or Muhammed? Why don't you just pick a common name like a normal person?
Hoffman: Muhammed is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a book for once.
Bocskor: Hoffman, have you actually ever met anyone named Muhammed?
Hoffman: Have YOU actually ever met anyone named McLovin?
Bocskor: No, that's why you picked a dumb name!
The team, aliases and all, will be having a social hour on Friday February 29, 2008, beginning at 5:00 p.m. This event will be held at the Olde Town Tavern on College Avenue in Appleton. All are encouraged to attend.
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January 10, 2008 --
Today marks the second week of January. In Outagamie Outlaw country, it also marks the second week of the baseball season. In an effort to improve on last years horrid regular season, the team has partnered up with hitting coach Dennis Wilson and has begun participating in Wednesday evening hitting sessions. Tonight, Coach Wilson sat down the Outlaws at practice and gave a inspiring lecture. “I want you guys to take a good look at yourselves and feel proud. We made it here. We're here. What I've learned from you is that really one of the most important things in life is showing up. I'm blown away by your ability to show up through everything that's gone on. The league board never wanted you to practice this early, but you showed up. But, uh, we only have one player so, we can't practice tonight.” Rob Collins, the only player in attendance fired back by saying, “We’re talking about practice. We’re talking about practice. We’re not talking about the game. We’re talking about practice…how in the heck can I make my teammates better by practicing?”
Coach Wilson, who neglected to remind Collins that the Cardinals knocked the Wicked out of the playoffs, said that practice in January will pay off come playoff time. Collins immediately dropped one of Chris Patt’s bats and went on a tirade. Collins yelled, “Playoffs? Don’t talk about playoffs. Are you kidding me? Playoffs?!?! I’m just hoping we can win a game, another game.”
Despite poor attendance in week two, the team did have an excellent turn-out during the first week of practice. Chris Hoffman wore his third place ribbon in the batting cage and was heckled by some sophomores from Kaukauna High School. These prep stars told Hoffman not to place any bets on winning any fancy ribbons this year. One random student barked out, “Hoffman, didn‘t your wife tell you that you will never be drafted out of the MSBL!” Hoffman smirked and said, "there goes my shot at the Pros. Now I have to be a senator." The random student, who is rumored to be on the speech team, fired back with, "From Champs to chumps. Just six months ago, The Cardinals were billed as the greatest MSBL third-place baseball team in history, and now, they are history. Yesterday, the league commissioner supposedly slapped the former Cardinals with a staggering list of infractions including recruiting violations, steroid abuse, illegal payments to players and, of course, stat tampering. To where these guys are going, their new Outlaws yearbook photos will be used as mug shots."
Manager Mark Bockhaus revealed his displeasure for these young know-it-alls, but admitted that the Cardinals may have been forced to rename this season in order to compete. "Soon it was commonplace for entire teams to change cities in search of greater profits. The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. The Oilers moved to Tennessee where there is no oil. The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don't allow music," cried out Bockhaus, who thought to himself that there may well be no Outlaws in Outagamie.
Bryan Gorney came to week one practice a little tardy and picked the brain of new hitting instructor Coach Wilson. Gorney was impressed with Coach Wilson’s bat and inquired about purchasing it. "Now, I owe it to myself to tell you, Mr. Gorney, that if you are thinking of playing MSBL baseball, this is your bat. The New York Basher. You think you hate it now, but wait till you swing with it." Gorney did not hear this last part and paid sixty dollars on the spot for the flimsy looking bat. After Gorney used the bat for two rounds and it broke, all he had to say about the purchase was, "well, somebody better explain, or there'll, uh... there'll be a lot of explaining to do."
Week three of hitting clinic will take place next Wednesday at Players Choice. Coach Wilson will be at the facility from 4:00 p.m. until close.
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Importance of Drafts
During the latter portion of the 2007 NEW MSBL season, it was rumored that a draft was going to be implemented to distribute players. I am not sure where this rumor originated, but it would have been fatal to the league. I am quite certain that nobody that lives in Appleton would want to play for Kewaunee and vise versa. Luckily, the league decided on an free agency of the unrestricted kind. Until the league establishes itself, this is by far the best way to distribute players.
Even though the draft is not utilized by the NEW MSBL, it is used elsewhere. The draft is an uncertain science that has one certainty - criticism. For instance, look at the Green Bay Packers NFL franchise. Who is their best first round draft pick? There is no one correct answer, but some surveyed may answer: Paul Horning (1957), Herb Adderley (1961), James Lofton (1976), or Sterling Sharpe (1988).
No where is criticism of a draft more present than when talking about a team’s worst draft pick (aka The Bust). Who is the Packers worst first round pick? Is it Jamal Reynolds (2001), Ahmad Carroll (2004), or potentially Justin Harrell (2007). ESPN would not pick any of these previously mentioned players. They would opt with Green Bay’s first round pick in 1989 - Tony Mandarich. Mandarich was selected over NFL legend Barry Sanders. ESPN writes, “imagine a backfield of Brett Favre and Barry Sanders. That could have been the case, but Green Bay bypassed Sanders for the "best offensive line prospect ever" (as Sports Illustrated declared on its cover). Interestingly, at the time Mandarich's 6-6, 315-pound size was considered mammoth. These days, current top draft prospect D'Brickashaw Ferguson, 6-6 and 305 pounds, "lacks ideal bulk" and "needs to get bigger." And steroids in baseball are a problem?”
In 1989, Mandarich was selected before Sanders (Detroit), Derrick Thomas (Kansas City), and Deion Sanders (Atlanta). Playing at Michigan State University, Mandarich played in the 1988 Rose Bowl, was named as a first-team All-American, an Outland Award finalist and a two-time Big Ten Lineman of the Year. Upon his entry into the 1989 NFL Draft, both scouts and media (most notably Sports Illustrated, which did a cover story on him) began trumpeting Mandarich as the best offensive line prospect ever. Mandarich was also a colorful character, such as challenging then-Heavyweight Boxing Champion Mike Tyson to a fight, his well-documented love of the band Guns N' Roses (he had a dog named Axl and also a tattoo of the cross-design from the cover of Appetite for Destruction on his arm), and referring to Green Bay as "a village".
Drafted as an offensive linesman, Mandarich never lived up to the very high expectations set for him, and spent most of his first year on the Packers on special teams after a lengthy holdout that only got settled the last week before the regular season. He was also known for having attitude issues, and after three seasons of lackluster performance on a four-year contract, Mandarich was cut by the Packers.
ESPN then declared Mandarich a flop. I disagree. Mandarich may have been the best first round pick in Green Bay Packer history!
When Tom Braatz made the decision to draft Mandarich in 1989, a chain of events was put into play that would eventually lead to a Super Bowl Championship. As was previously stated, Mandarich did not have his #77 retired by the Green Bay Packers. Two years after the selection of Mandarich, Braatz was relieved of his duties.
On November 27, 1991, Ron Wolf, the New York Jets director of player personnel and veteran of 29 years as pro football scout and executive, was named executive vice president and general manager of the Green Bay Packers, with full authority over Packers' football operation. On December 22, 1991, Lindy Infante was relieved of his coaching duties by Wolf.
On January 11, 1992, Mike Holmgren, offensive coordinator of the San Francisco 49ers, was named by Wolf as the 11th head coach in Green Bay Packers' history. One of Holmgren's claims to fame would eventually be the success he has experienced molding future Hall of Fame quarterbacks such as Joe Montana and Steve Young. This would be Wolf’s first key move.
Wolf’s second key move was a trade that was negotiated in the 1992 draft. On February 10, 1992, Wolf dealt a first-round draft pick to Atlanta for prodigy quarterback Brett Favre. Wolf, while with the New York Jets, had intended to take Favre in the second round of the 1991 NFL draft, but Favre was taken by the Falcons on the previous pick. Atlanta coach Jerry Glanville did not approve of the drafting of Favre, saying it would take a plane crash for him to put Favre into the game. Favre's first pass in a NFL regular season game resulted in an interception returned for a touchdown. He only attempted four passes in his career at Atlanta, completing none of them.
According to the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel and other sources, during the physical after the trade, Favre was diagnosed with avascular necrosis, the same degenerative hip condition that ended Bo Jackson's stellar career, and doctors recommended he be failed. Wolf overruled them.
The third monumental transaction completed by Wolf occurred in 1993 when the Green Bay Packers signed the most sought-after free agent in the teams history, Reggie White. The signing of White, who is one of the all-time sack leaders in NFL history, was important in that it made Green Bay a more desirable destination for future potential free agents. A few of these free agents that followed in White’s footsteps included Keith Jackson, Eugene Robinson, Sean Jones, Desmond Howard, and Andre Rison (who was also a first round pick in the previously mentioned 1989 NFL draft).
All of moves made by Wolf led to a memorable 1996 season as Favre led the Packers to their best season in 30 years, winning his second consecutive MVP award in the process. The Packers led the NFL in points scored as well as fewest points scored against. Green Bay tied the Denver Broncos for the NFL's best regular season record, 13-3, defeated the San Francisco 49ers and Carolina Panthers at Lambeau Field in the playoffs. The Packers advanced to Super Bowl XXXI at the Louisiana Superdome, a short drive from Favre's hometown.
In Super Bowl XXXI, Favre completed 14 of 27 passes for 246 yards and 2 touchdowns. On the second play of the game, Favre threw a 54-yard touchdown pass to receiver Andre Rison. Favre also completed an 81-yard touchdown pass to Antonio Freeman in the second quarter (then a Super Bowl record). Desmond Howard, who was named Super Bowl MVP, returned a kickoff 99-yards for a score. Favre rushed for 12 yards and another touchdown, as the Packers won Super Bowl XXXI over the New England Patriots, 35-21. In their 19 games of the season, the Packers had a turnover ratio of plus 24, and outscored their opponents 100-48 in the playoffs.
Would the course of events that occurred after Ron Wolf was hired have occurred if Tony Mandarich was not selected with the second overall pick in the 1989 NFL Draft?
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Preseason Observations
November 20, 2007 --
With a new NEW MSBL season on the horizon, many senior league players have been preparing in a wide variety of ways.
Chris Hoffman has been spotted on College Avenue selling hats and t-shirts that read "Outlaws Baseball" and "25 To Life." Jens Hinderlie saw Hoffman's merchandise and said "Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though."
Marty Crownhart has been stressing the fact that he really needs to bring home first place this season. "I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough," said Crownhart. All Jeff Coopman could say in response to this was "The next time you see sky, it'll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it'll be in some other school. Our parents, they want the best of stuff for us. But right now, they got to do what's right for them. Because it's their time. Their time! In NEW MSBL, it's our time."
Matt Barone recently moved to the suburbs to escape the stresses of the city and focus in on NEW MSBL and raising his children. Barone's neighbors have been concerned over the fact that they have never actually seen him outside of the house. The reason for this is that he has been inside studying videotapes of the Ashwaubenon A's pitching staff. A neighbor, who was wearing a "25 To Life" sweatshirt, was heard saying to another neighbor wearing a "Outagamie Outlaws" hat, "remember what you were saying about people in the 'burbs? People like Barone? People who mow their lawns forty-eight hundred times, and then SNAP?! Well, that's US!! It's not Barone, that's us! WE'RE the ones who are vaulting over the fences, and peeking into Barone's windows! WE'RE the ones throwing his garbage in the streets, and lighting fires! WE'RE the ones who're acting suspicious and paranoid, WE'RE the lunatics!! It's not Barone!! it's us." After this erruption, Chris Hoffman appeared and tried to sell both of these neighbors a subscription to Newsweek to support the team.
Jake Braun recently called a 1-900 number to speak to the "Guarantee Fairy" in order to get assurance that he would be this year's batting title champ. The Fairy was supposed to be a Jamaican woman, but sounded surprisingly similar to former teammate Doug Weber. Shane Lamon cautioned Braun saying "what if the Guarantee Fairy's a crazy glue sniffer? Next thing you know there's change missing from your dresser and your daughter's knocked up. I've seen it a hundred times."
Finally, Bryan Gorney has been flying MLB middle infielders to his home to conduct private workout sessions. Gorney was heard screaming "Listen, okay? You guys'll never believe me. There was two shortstops, okay? And they were chasing this four-wheel deal at my workout, this real neat ORV, and there were bullets flying all over the place and they were dodging them. It was the most amazing display of athleticism I ever saw!" Brad Royce replied, "more amazing than the time Michael Jackson come over to your house to use the bathroom?" Rob Collins added, "more amazing than the time you saved those old people from that nursing home fire, right?" Finally, Marty Crownhart remarked, "yeah, and I bet it was even more amazing than the time you ate your weight in Godfather's pizza, right?" Gorney just shook his head and said, "okay, guys. Alex Rodriguez didn't come over to my house to work out... but his sister did!"
With this much effort being placed into the off-season, the sky is the limit for the newly formed Outagamie Outlaws. More updates will be provided as the off-season progresses. For now, reserve your season tickets and be there at least three hours prior to the game to view batting practice and infield drills.
-What you have just read never actually happened.
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