Robin Kelly, playing like a young John Stockton but with a better haircut and much longer pants, directed the Blue Team's offensive attack as if the game of basketball was invented with only her in mind, as her Blue squad demolished the aging, blundering and confused Red Team 29-23 in the 2010 Coach's Classic at Maple Place. Notwithstanding the fact that Robin was burdened with teammates as offensively challenged as R.J. Bates, Chris Paglia, Joe Irace and Fred Santi, the Blue Team charged out to a quick first quarter lead behind Robin's pinpoint passing, sure shooting and deft dribbling and they never looked back. "I don't know which is better," said her teammate Chris Paglia, "her bouncepasses or her banana bread. Either way, you can't go wrong. What a fabulous player. I was shocked that someone from the Kelly family could actually pass like that until somebody reminded me that Falcetano (which, in Italian, means "she who can pass the rock") is her maiden name and that she is only a Kelly by way of marriage."

The Red Team's Jay Coffey knew that his squad was in for a long day even before the game started. "When Robin started to get the crowd pumped by dunking during the warmups, I knew that we'd have to play a perfect game to beat them." Far from playing a perfect game, Coffey teamed with Mike O'Neill, Kevin Kelly, Craig Farrell and Kenny Wilhalme to put on the most underhwelming basketball performance in the history of the sport. During the 3rd quarter, a child was heard to say loudly, "Mommy, please make the people in the red shirts stop playing basketball. They stink so bad that it makes my head ache." Upon hearing the youngster's complaint, Coffey could only look down and say, "It hurts so much to hear your own son say something like that."

While Robin Kelly's contributions led to her being named the game's MVP, her teammates were no slouches when it came to awards. In fact, Chris Paglia was named as Player With The Best Posture, Joe Irace was voted Miss Congeniality and both R.J. Bates and Fred Santi were recognized for not getting hurt during the game. Paglia, upon being presented with his award for having the best posture, refused to brag, saying only, "I don't like to toot my own horn because, well, quite frankly, like most people, I don't have a horn."

The Red Team, which played the game under protest because Fred Santi refused to remove his diamiond belly button pendant, left the court brokenhearted, slump-shouldered, beaten down by life and without any semblance of pride. Of course, that is also how they came onto the court, so nobody really noticed the difference.

A red hot shooting display by the Magic in the first and second quarters of their championship game against the Thunder proved to be the difference in the Magic's 60-41 victory over the ice cold Thunder. The Magic raced out to a 33-5 lead in the first half and never looked back. Avoiding the lane as if it was laced with Smallpox, the Magic launched and made one long range jumpshot after another over the stunned Thunder. Despite shooting close to 70% from the field in the first half, the Magic were able to avoid accumulating any assists for the seventh consecutive game. As you will see in the picture below, the Magic were so hot that the shirtsleeves of 6 of the Magic players actually burned off.

Members of the Shore Magic, 2010's Shore Regional High School Rec League Basketball Champion, posed for this picture after defeating the Thunder 61-40 in the Championship Game at Shore Regional High School. Team members refused to smile for the picture in protest over the league's refusal to install a 4 and 5 point line. As one Magic player noted, "Shooting 3's is so 1990's. It is time for the league to recognize the 4 and 5 point shots. In fact, if it were up to us, we'd completely ban shots from inside 25 feet." Commissioner Tom Galvin refused to comment other than to say, "In my day, we didn't even have a three point line. Of course, in my day we wore teeny, tiny shorts and our socks were pulled all the way up to our knees."

Geoff Brignola and Mike Deusch were the big winners at the Oceanport Basketball Association's 19th Annual Tip-Off Fundraiser. "This is a dream come true for both of us," said Mike, as he carefully planned where he was going to install a bell on his bike's handlebars, "We were really hoping and praying that one of us would win one of the bikes. We had already agreed that we would share a bike if one of us won one. I am also happy that my bike has the type of bar that slopes down because that makes it easy for me to get on and off. One of the mean boys, Al DeSantis, said it was a girl's bike, but he's just jealous." Geoff Brignola, ecstatic at the prospect that Mike and he would be able to ride together to the malt shoppe, tanning salon, pizza parlor and beach on their own bikes, gushed, "I still have goosebumps. I can't believe that we both won a bike. Now I don't have to ride on Mike's handlebars ever again. And I know that my family will be very proud of me when I take off the training wheels and ride solo for the first time. Very proud, indeed. And I have to tell you, all the other guys are going to be really, really impressed by the fact that my bike is red like a fire engine! This is the most neato, keen prize EVER!" When last seen, Mike and Geoff had installed matching silver and black tassles in their handlebars and were doing wheelies together in the Channel Club parking lot. (Scroll Down for more photos of the Knights Tip-Off Party)

The Oceanport Sports Foundation's 2nd Annual Holiday Food and Wine Tasting Charity Event was held on December 2, 2010 at Branches Catering and, with over 425 patrons in attendance and over $20,000.00 raised, it was an unqualified success. Building upon the OSF's 2007 and 2008 Charity Polo Matches at Maria Gatta Park and its 2009 Holiday Food and Wine Tasting Charity Event, this year's gala was a spectacular melding of Oceanport's holiday, community and charitable spirits. The culinary samplings prepared by chefs from Tuzzio's, Scala's, The Raven and the Peach, Tavolo, Piancone's, Branches Catering, Piccola Italia, Rats Restaurant, Zoe Bistro, The Lusty Lobster, Simply Dish, Brandl, The Draft House, Drew's Bayshore Bistro, Pazzo, Healthfair Natural & Organic Market, the Culinary Education Center of Monmouth County, Isatella Food Products, Wenning & Sons and the Red Bank Regional's Culinary Program were as varied and plentiful as they were delicious. "The food at this event is of this world," said Monmouth Beach resident Kelly Treshock, "and I don't think I sampled half of what they offered. My husband and I don't get out much, but this is one event that we have etched in stone on our calendar every year."

A tantalizing array of deserts were provided by LaRosa's Bakery (Cannolis), Cake Bake and Roll (vanilla and chocolate cupcakes), Branches Catering (chocolate covered fruit from a Chocolate Fountain) and Chelsea House Senior Living (cheesecake lollipops), all of which were accompanied by gourmet latte's and other exotic offerings from Kobrick's Coffee (and its resident artiste/barista extraordinaire, who did things with frothed milk and coffee foam that have to be seen to be believed). Samples of local wines and special beers, both imported and domestic, were also available for tasting throughout the evening.

Oceanport resident Mike MacStudy (pictured at left with his lovely wife, Molly) loved the mix of people and the flow of the rooms, "There were people at this event that I haven't seen in years. There is no other local event that draws so many people with such a cross section of people of all ages like this one does. And the fact that there are only hi-top tables and no seats means that you're almost forced to mingle and meet people as you sample the food. It is an absolutely fantastic event. My wife and I try to get to 3 or 4 charity events a week, even if we're not invited, and this one is by far the best." Jeffrey Bonner of Monmouth Beach (by way of Watchung) said, "Where else can I eat and drink to my heart's content with 400 of my friends for $50.00 and support a really worthy cause? This OSF event is a one-of-a kind party and the best part is that you don't have to help clean up when it is over!"

Tom Schiavone, Vice-President of the Oceanport Sports Foundation and the event's main organizer, was humbled by the generosity of those who attended the event. "This is our most successful fundraiser ever. We raised over $20,000.00 for improvements to the Borough of Oceanport's athletic fields and facilities at this event and the children of Oceanport, Monmouth Beach and Sea Bright who participate in Oceanport's soccer, baseball, basketball, hockey and other youth sports programs will be the direct beneficiaries of the incredible outpouring of support from those who attended."

Past OSF fundraisers, have allowed for the OSF to issue grants resulting in, among other things, the purchase and installation of new scoreboards in the Maple Place gym, the resurfacing of the Maple Place gym, the construction of a new outdoor basketball court at the Oceanport Community Center, the rehabilitation of the soccer fields at Maria Gatta Park, the purchase and installation of water fountains at the Oceanport Community Center and Blackberry Bay Park, the reconstruction of the Oceanport Roller Hockey rink, new soccer goals at Blackberry Bay Park, the purchase and installation of safety mats in the Maple Place gym and new baseball dugouts at the Oceanport Community Center. The OSF board is hoping to use a portion of this year's funds to fund the rehabilitation of the basketball court at Blackberry Bay Park.

The Oceanport Sports Foundation wants to remind its patrons that the continued success of this event is dependent upon the participation of the food vendors. As such, when you dine out, the OSF asks that you make every effort to visit the restaurants that provided so many culinary delights at this year's event and that you make an effort to tell management that you sampled their fabulous food at the Oceanport Sports Foundation's 2010 charity event.

The Oceanport Sports Foundation's 3rd Annual Holiday Food and Wine Tasting Charity Event has been scheduled for Thursday, December 1, 2011 (the OSF is hoping to make the first Thursday in December Oceanport's official holiday!) at Branches Catering in West Long Branch. Pictures from this year's event can bee seen at www.leaguelineup.com/oba and if you (a) have any suggestions or comments on how the OSF can make your experience at next year's event even better or (b) would like to participate as a vendor, sponsor or donor at next year's event, please e-mail the Oceanport Sports Foundation at OSF501C3@att.net.

The 2011 Summer League Basketball season opened up with a real barn burner between Team Treshock and Team Coffey. After the firemen put out the fire at the barn, Team Treshock, led by 12 points from Casey Rogers and 7 points from Tom Treshock, narrowly edged out Team Coffey, 29-26, in what many considered the finest display of basketball defense since the '72-73 NY Knicks. Of course, many others considered it the worst display of offense since the '72-73 Philadelphia 76ers, but what do they know. Evan Coffey opened up the season by nailing a three pointer 10 seconds into the game. He performed a quick calculation and predicted he would score 96 points in the game. Unfortunately for him, he was playing against 8 of the finest defensive players to ever grace the court at Maple Place and he ended up with 8 points. Paul Christopher led Team Coffey with 9 points, all scored in the second half. Team Treshock's defensive specialist, Mike Jeliff, was quick to point out that Team Treshock wasn't worried about Coffey or Chrsitopher. Instead, they concentrated their efforts on stopping "Machine Gun" Matt Malley. Said Jelliff, "Coffey and Christopher are nice players and they are going to get their points, but the key to beating Team Coffey is to control Matt Malley. He's got the kind of offensive game that keeps coaches up at night. You never know when he's going to erupt for 40 or 50 points. I mean, I know it hasn't happened yet, but, in theory, it could happen. Really. It could happen. Don't tell me it isn't possible. Kirstie Alley made the finals of Dancing With The Stars." Team Coffey was hurt by the absence of power forward Jeffrey "That's MY Rebound" Bonner. Bonner didn't show up until a minute remained in the game. His father, Jeff Bonner, was heard asking, "When did they set the clocks ahead? Why do they keep doing that every year? No wonder I am so tired. The same thing happened to me when they switched from the Gregorian Calendar to the Julian Calendar. I can't keep track of this stuff." As a dejected Team Coffey trudged off the court, Austin Paglia, still visibly upset about the Bonner situation, complained, "Kirstie Alley was robbed."

In the night's marquee matchup, Team Parrino squared off against Team Poccia in what promised to be a offensive showcase for the sharpshooting captains. Marco Parrino scored 28 of Team Parrino's 41 points, but it wasn't enough to overcome the balanced scoring attack of Team Poccia, as Team Parrino fell 51-41 to Team Poccia. John Poccia led Team Poccia with 18, while Brett Norman (12), Pat Musselman (6), Jeffrey Bonner (yes, that same Jeffrey Bonner, filling in for a missing Poccia player) (8), Johnny Roslin (3) and Chris Glenn (2) rounded out the scoring. John Amador had 6 points for Team Parrino. Poccia felt that the key to their win was that they tried new things on the court. "I read about this thing called defense and I told the other kids about it before the game. We tried it, and it really worked. We'll probably try that again next week. The other thing that we did was something that Coach Coffey kept referring to over the past few years. It is when you have the ball, but instead of shooting it at the basket, you throw it to another player and then they throw it to another player and then they throw it to another player and then you get a layup. He calls it "passing", I think. We're going to try that again, too." Team Parrino's Justin Costell, held scoreless for the first time this year, thought that the difference in the game was Jeffrey Bonner's dominance of the boards at both ends. "Somebody has to buy his dad a Smartphone," said Costell.

Kenny Wilhalme's contagious hustle, Erik Graham's first half offensive outburst (12 points) and Ean Delahanty's second half brilliance (11 points) carried Team Lloyd to a 54-40 victory over an undermanned Team Goldsmith. Dylan Lloyd was both impressed and confused by Erik Graham's first half heroics, saying. "That kid looks like Erik Graham, talks like Erik Graham, and walks like Erik Graham, but I've never seen Erik Graham play like that before. He was like another person out there. Do you think it has anything to do with the recent UFO sighting over Casa Comida and the big, green pods that I saw in the Graham's backyard last week?" Team Goldsmith, missing their captain, Doug Goldsmith, was simply ill-prepared to deal with Graham and Delahanty. "We stopped Graham cold in the second half, and then the Delahanty kid channeled Tiny Archibald", said Team Goldsmith's Connor Scesa, "and I don't even know who Tiny Archibald is!" The highlight of the second half was Kenny Wilhalme's bone-crunching dive on the hardwood as he pursued a loose ball. Noted Lloyd, "Kenny's hustle never ends. The way he dove after that ball was amazing. He had good extension, he timed it right and the noise that he made when he hit the floor was amazing! It was a beautiful dive. I can't believe that the Russian judge only gave him a 7.0." Luke Montesinos (9), Bobby Tomaino (8) and Ryan Jones led Team Goldsmith in scoring.

OCEANPORT (June 16) - Team Parrino's SEVEN three pointers weren't enough to get them past an incredibly unselfish Team Coffey, which, at one point in the 3rd quarter led by 16 points. Team Coffey's big men, Alex Patton and Jeffrey "I'm In The Zone" Bonner, both of whom scored 10 points, were the beneficiaries of most of the 16 assists racked up by Evan Coffey (9), Paul Christopher (3) and Luke Dougherty (4) during the game. The first half ended with Team Coffey hanging on to a slim 18-16 lead, but in the third quarter Dougherty dished out his 4 assists and scored 6 points, while Patton and Bonner were scoring 6 points each. Patton even added an assist as Team Coffey pulled away at the close of the quarter. Only a barrage of three pointers from Marco Parrino (2 in the third) and Brett Norman (3 in the fourth) kept the score close. Angelo Serenelli also had 2 first half three pointers for the Parrinos. "I'm a big guy," said Patton about the incredible number of assists, "and I told the little guys on our team that if Jeffrey and I didn't see the ball more often, well, let's just say it wouldn't have made us happy." Coffey explained it very simply, "Alex is a big Teddy Bear. He had nothing to do with it. Actually, it was Jeffrey's birthday and we all knew that his mother had sprinkled donuts from Judicke's Bakery for us to eat after the game. Nobody likes sprinkled donuts more than me, Paul and Luke and we figured if Jeffrey had a big game we could glom some extra donuts off of Mrs. Bonner." It worked like a charm," said Dougherty, wiping sprinkles from his chin." In an attempt to justify why Team Parrino had zero assists during the game, Lucas Roffman said, "When you get right down to it, they were just hungrier than we were. We were playing for pride and they were playing for sprinkled donuts. How can we be expected to compete with that? I'm bringing fudge brownies next week."

Oceanport (June 16) - John Poccia and Brandon Solomon combined for 29 points as Team Poccia overcame a 12 point 4th quarter deficit to beat Team Goldsmith 42-42 in the season's first overtime game. Poccia opened the game by scoring 11 of his team's first 12 points, but on the other end of the court Doug Goldsmith was scoring 8 of his team's first 10 points. The first quarter ended with Team Poccia winning 12-10, but their lead evaporated in the 2nd quarter as Team Goldsmith turned up the defensive intensity and held Team Poccia to a measly 4 points. Alex Johnson (4), Dante Montesinos (6) and Bobby Tomaino (4) scored all of Team Goldsmith's points in the 2nd quarter. In the third quarter, Doug Goldsmith went absolutely berserk, scoring 10 points while grabbing almost every rebound in sight. Kyle Moore's defense on John Poccia was the story of the third quarter, however, and an obviously frustrated Poccia was limited to one basket and two foul shots as Team Goldsmith moved ahead 36-24 going into the 4th quarter. The fourth quarter, however, belonged to the dynamic duo of Solomon and Poccia, who combined for 11 fourth quarter points, as they a keyed a furious rally that had the cheering crowd on its feet. Poccia drained shots from all over the court and Solomon tied the score at 38 each by way of a short jumper with mere seconds to go in the game. In the overtime, Dante Montesinos scored all four of Team Goldsmith's points, while Poccia and 6th grader Chris Glenn chipped in 2 each for Team Poccia. The 42-42 win moved Team Poccia to a record of 1 win, 0 losses and 1 tie. With the loss, Team Goldsmith dropped to 0 wins, 1 loss and 1 tie.

OCEANPORT (June 16)- Tommy "The Human Eraser" Treshock blocked 7 shots in the first 9 minutes and had 9 blocks during the game, but it wasn't enough to stop Team Lloyd from posting a 36-30 win. Treshock's blocks, including a dandy two handed, volleyball-like stuff of Jack Britton, kept the high scoring Lloyds on their heels the entire game. Still, Team Lloyd's Erik Graham was unimpressed, "Blocks, schmlocks. The girls don't care about blocked shots. Girls dig guys who can shoot the basketball. Did I mention that I scored 10 points and led my team in scoring for the second week in a row? I didn't mention that? Well, now I did. Make sure you put that in your article, bub." Jack Britton, whose two three pointers late in the game effectively ended any hope of a comeback for Team Treshock, didn't score any points in the first half, but scored 10 in the second half. "I was tired of having my shots blocked back into my face when I drove, " said Britton, "so I figured if I shot from 30 feet out Treshock would leave me alone. Quite frankly, I think that his arms are abnormally long and that he should have to play with his hands in his pockets."

June 21, 2011 - OCEANPORT (UPI) In the second game of the evening, Team Treshock rode the long distance, 4th quarter shooting of Kevin “Downtown” Degnan in its 41-37 victory over winless Team Parrino. Degnan’s two big three point shots turned the game around in the 4th quarter, as Team Parrino’s Coach Benedict oversaw another 4th quarter, double-digit collapse. While Kyle Hayes (12) and Casey Rogers (13) spearheaded the Treshock attack, it was Coach Benedict’s inability to deal with Degnan’s marksmanship that keyed the Treshock victory. “He is so small,” said Benedict, “and I really didn’t notice that he was on the court until it was too late. I didn’t know that if you threw the bouncy thing into the orange thing from behind that line that you get three points. I believe that the refs should have been more clear on that rule before the game.”

Degnan, who finished with 10 points, couldn’t believe that he was getting such clean looks at the basket. “Didn’t that coach know that my last name is Degnan?” asked Degnan. “In Gaelic, the word Degnan means ‘he who shoots a lot’ and my dad’s name is William Degnan, which, in Gaelic, means ‘he who shoots a lot --- even if he isn’t open --- and keeps on shooting till he gets hot and then forgets how many shots he missed and only remembers the shots he made’. It is amazing how much the word William means in Gaelic, isn’t it?” I think that “Treshock” means the same thing,” continued Kevin, “because my uncle Tugger keeps yelling “SHOOT” every time Tommy Treshock touches the ball.”

Team Parino was led by the eponymous Marco Parrino (16 points), Jonathan Amador (11 points) and Justin “For The Defense” Costell (6 points and great defense).

June 21, 2011 - OCEANPORT (UPI) In the nightcap, Team Poccia relied on Johnny Roslin’s big shots to overcome Coach Benedict’s 4th quarter jitters in its 47-42 victory over a Lloydless Team Lloyd. Team Poccia, paced by John Poccia’s 19 points, raced out to a big lead, but watched its double-digit 4th quarter lead dwindle to just few with minutes to go. Team Lloyd’s Jack Britton was positive that his squad was going to emerge victorious in the 4th quarter, saying, “After watching Coach Benedict coach the first two games, I figured we were a sure thing once we fell behind by 10 at the start of the 4th quarter. Maybe we didn’t try hard enough because we figured that he would do something to help us out.” Team Lloyd’s Coach, Jim Mahoney, said, “I can’t believe that we lost to a team that was coached by John Benedict! I am absolutely mortified. If I were Amish, I would be shunned by my village.”

Both teams had balanced scoring attacks. Team Lloyd, playing without Dylan Lloyd (on safari in Iceland), was led by Jack Britton (10), Tommy Mannino (9), Ean Delahanty (7) Erik “Big Hands” Graham (6) and Steve Gribben (6). But that wasn’t enough to offset the output of Poccia (19), Brett Norman (10), Johnny “7/11” (because he is always open) Roslin (9) and Patrick Musselman (6).

June 21, 2011 - OCEANPORT (UPI) – Team Coffey dropped to 1-2 on the season as Team Goldsmith’s Coach, Jim Mahoney, totally outcoached Team Coffey’s John Benedict in the 4th quarter. Up by 14 with just over 7 minutes to play, Benedict’s suspect substitution patterns, questionable play-calling and clock mismanagement gave Team Goldsmith the edge as the Goldsmiths closed out the 4th quarter on an 14-0 run, winning the game 41-39. “Has this guy ever SEEN a basketball game?” asked Austin Paglia as he trudged off the court, “He kept on asking me how many innings were left and then he called a time out. And during the time out he told us we needed to put the ‘brown, bouncy thing in the round, orange hole’, I thought I was going to die of embarrassment. If Evan was here, he would have kicked him out of the gym.”

Team Coffey, playing without Evan Coffey (who is touring Italy with his Justin Bieber cover band “Dustbin Bieber”), was in control for most of the game as Paul Christopher (12) and Jeffrey Bonner (10) carried the load on offense, but Coach Mahoney’s 4th quarter defensive game plan was worked to perfection by Team Goldsmith as they held their opponents scoreless for the entire quarter. “Coach Mahoney was pretty emphatic about how we were going to play them in the 4th quarter,” explained Bobby “Double Double” Tomaino. “His exact words were ‘Do NOT let the other team put the big, brown, bouncy thingee in the round, orange hole that is attached to the glass thingee’, which, I have to admit, sounded kind of stupid, but it worked like a charm.” Tomaino led Team Goldsmith in scoring with 11. With the victory, Team Goldsmith moved to 2-1.

June 28, 2011 OCEANPORT (Reuters) - Paolo Christofo’s clutch tre punto with just under 10 secondi left in the game proved to be the winning margin in Team Coffey’s 29-26 win over Team Lloyd. Erik “You Can’t Make My Name Sound Italian No Matter How Hard You Try, Mr. Coffey” Graham was held to a season low two points as Team Coffey’s Alessio Pattonucci contested every shot in the paint. In the absence of each team’s captain (both of whom were suffering from severe bouts of vacationitis), both teams relied on balanced scoring attacks. Tomasso Mannino scored 8, Giacomo Brittoni had 6 and Giovanni Dellahanti had 5 for team Lloyd, while Christofo (17), Pattoni (8) and Luco Dautri (4) shared the load for Team Coffey. The ”Chef Boyardeefensive Player of the Game”, Jeffrey Bonner, did not score, but had his hands up on defense for most of the game. “ I am honored to have been chosen the Chef Boyardeefensive Player of the Game,” said Bonner. “I love playing defense and eating Spaghetti-Os, so this is a dream come true for me.”

Whoever kept the book for the third game of the night really screwed it up, so we’ll post the results of that game in a day or two.

June 28, 2001 OCEANPORT (Reuters) - Tomasso Treshocchino and Giacomo Cambellini starred in Team Treshocchini’s 60-51 victory over previously unbeaten Team Poccia in Tuesday night’s opening game. Treshocchino was especially good late in the game as his due tre colpi del punti put the game away. Matched up against Team Poccia’s Patrizio Musselmanico, Treshoccino was forced to resort to a series of pick and roll maneuvers to free himself up for shots on his way to a team high total of diciotto (18) punti. Giovanni Poccia played fantastic defense against Cassimo Rogersmo --- holding him to tredici (13) punti --- while leading his team with ventiquattro (24) punti. Patrizio Musselmanico scored undici (11) punti and had un importo tremendo of rebounds, but it wasn’t enough to overcome the unselfish play of Treshocchini’s Giacomo Cambellini, Michael Lomazzo and Timoteo O’Brienistimatallati, all of whom played fantastico. Poccia was philosophical about his team’s first defeat saying, “La cosa più importante è noi ancora ha nostri buoni sguardi.” (Roughly translated: The most important thing is we still have our good looks)

JUNE 28, 2011 (OCEANPORT) - Team Goldmsmith, playing without captain Doug Goldmsith who will miss the remainder of the season after suffering injuries to his fingernail in a full contact Tiddleywinks tournament, battled with Team Parrino for 5 quarters and achieved their second tie of the season, 41-41. According to Stats 'R Us, the official keeper of statistics for the summer league, never in the history of the summer league at Maple Place has a team had two ties in one season. Doug Goldsmith, who watched the game via live satellite feed from his bed at the Center for Kids Who Have Severe Tiddleywinks Injuries in Geneva, Switzterland, was proud as a peacock that his team fought so hard, stating, "This is a record that will never be broken. Unless, of course, we tie again next week." Marco Parrino wasn't as thrilled with the tie, dejectedly saying, "We had a perfect record coming into this game and now our quest for a perfect season is over." With the tie, Team Goldsmith moved to 1-1-2 and Team Parrino improved to 0-3-1.

JULY 5, 2011 - OCEANPORT (UPI) - Ean Delahanty opened the game with two 3 pointers for Team Lloyd, but Team Parrino stormed out to a 24-17 halftime lead on the shoulders of an absolutely relentless Marco Parrino (19 first half points). Parrino, sporting what many believed to be a new Justin Bieber hairdo, cooled off a bit in the second half (11 points) and Team Lloyd took full advantage, scoring 31 points in the second half. Dylan Lloyd, 9 second half points and 13 overall, didn't think it was his team's defense that slowed down Parrino in the second half, "I was going to get a Justin Bieber haircut just like Marco has, but I found out that when you sweat all of the sweat beads up on that little tip of hair in the front and pours right into your eyes. In the second half Marco looked like he needed windshield wipers on his eyes. It's a great haircut for singing and dancing, but not so much for playing basketball." Delahanty, who led Team Lloyd in scoring with 16 points, was very impressed with his team's win, "To win a game like this without our emotional leader, Kenny Wilhalme, is a testament to how Kenny has galvanized us and turned us into a real team." When reached by phone on his Lear Jet for comment, Wilhalme, who missed the game due to a previously scheduled speaking engagement at the Lake Yakima Rotary Club in Ontario, was equally impressed, saying, "I'm equally impressed." Parrino refused to admit that his haircut had anything to do with his second half drop off in scoring, saying, "If looking good is a crime, then lock me up."

JULY 5, 2011 - OCEANPORT (UPI) - Devin McLaughlin's 7 point outburst proved to be the margin of victory in Team Poccia's 54-47 victory over Team Coffey. Brett Norman, who chipped in with 5 points for the Poccias, was very impressed with McLaughlin's output, " Devin really carried us tonight. Let's face it. It would have been a tie game had he not scored 7 points. I don't know where we would be without him." JT Kessler (6) and Johnny Roslin (4) were the only other players on Team Poccia to score more than 2 points, other than John Poccia who added 28 points. "We couldn't stop McLaughlin," said Team Coffey's Austin Paglia, "and that was the key to the game. I mean Poccia scored 28 points and everything, which is nice, but it is quite obvious that McLaughlin's 7 points were the margin of victory. They didn't beat us by 28, they beat us by 7, so, naturally, Devin's points were more important." Team Coffey was led by Evan Coffey (14), Austin Paglia (9) and Paul Christopher (8). The game was stopped in the second quarter for a few minutes when Team Coffey's Alex Patton hit his second free throw of the game. "We were worried that the world was coming to an end when he hit the second one," said Ref Tom Galvin, "but when the walls didn't fall down we resumed the game. When Paglia hits a 3 pointer and Patton makes two free throws, all in one game, and the world doesn't end, well, you've got to feel pretty lucky."

JULY 5, 2011 - OCEANPORT (UPI) - Jack Campbell's clutch three point shooting and a hot hand on the part of Casey Rogers propelled Team Treshock to a 33-30 victory over an undermanned Team Goldsmith. Team Goldsmith, playing once again without Captain Doug Goldsmith who is out with a Tiddleywinks injury, fought gamely and actually had the lead after each of the first three quarters. Bobby "Tomahawk" Tomaino led the Goldsmiths with 12 points, while Dante Montesino and Alex Johnson contributed 7 and 4 points, respectively. In a surprising turn of events, Team Goldsmith's Mikey O'Halloran fouled out of the game. This is the first time this season that a player has fouled out of a game. O'Halloran was loudly and rudely booed by the boorish fans of Team Treshock every time he touched the ball. Said O'Halloran, "The booing doesn't bother me, but I think the refs' calls were influenced by all of their caterwauling. I am used to getting booed by them during games, but we had some thin skinned refs tonight. What DOES bother me is when they all get together to boo me at the beach when I am riding a wave. And, by the way, I know that you are going to Google the word caterwauling when you finish reading this." Team Treshock trailed 20-15 entering the 4th quarter, but Campbell hit two 3 pointers, Casey Rogers poured in 10 points and Mike Lomazzo's added a basket as the Treshocks exploded for 18 points in the final stanza. A forlorn Goldsmith, who watched the game from the stands, said, "We have to get the ball to Connor Scesa more if we want to win these games."

After 18 years of assiduously avoiding the Oceanport Knights' annual Tip Off Dinner, Mark "Bone" Hampton attended his second consecutive dinner at the Channel Club and, by all accounts, he had a great time. Hampton, the only grandfather in the Knights' head coaching ranks, really, realy enjoyed himself this year because he was elected to pull the numbers out of the prize baskets. "At my age, that was really exciting," professed an out of breath Hampton, "It was almost like being the guy who pulls the numbers at Bingo at the assisted living facility that my wife keeps dropping me off at on weekends. I used to think that the only thing better than Bingo is Arts and Crafts, but now I know better." As the pictures below evidence, while Hampton was being kept busy pulling numbers out of bags, 129 other people were enjoying the evening in a different, non-AARP kind of way.

Coach Mark Hampton's Junior Boys' Oceanport Knights team took home the bacon at the West Long Branch Sports Association's 2011 Thanksgiving Basketball Tournament. Hampton's squad is comprised of Kyle Devaney, Gil Goldsmith, Bryan Hampton, JP Harvey, Tommy Kalinowski, Steve Lubischer, Brian Saible and Jake Turner, all of who helped the Knights to victory. The Junior Knights opened up the tournament with a triple overtime 39-36 loss to Wall in the opening round and then rebounded with three straight victories: 44-37 over Ocean Township, 40-34 over a previously undefeated Marlboro team and and a 35-24 thumping of Holmdel in the finals. "The kids played their hearts out in every game," said Hampton, "We beat Holmdel in the finals, but we had to beat a Marlboro team that hadn't lost in two years to get to the finals. And these boys just took care of things. Everyone on the team contributed. Gil Goldsmith, Steve Lubischer and JP Harvey were fantastic today. Lord knows it wasn't the coaching. And we looked great in our Gold Coast Cadillac warm-up jerseys!" Steven Lubischer was named the tournament's MVP in his age group for the second straight year.

The Oceanport Knights' Senior Boys lost to Old Bridge in the semi-finals. Oceanport's Kenny "The Kaiser" Wilhalme had a good look at a three point shot as the final buzzer sounded, but the ball bounced off the front rim and Oceanport ended up losing 50-22.

WEST LONG BRANCH (UPI) - In what many consider to be the finest game ever played by a Maple Place Middle School team on the first Thursday of January in an even numbered year, the Maple Place Boys' basketball team ventured into the hostile environs of the Frank Antonides School as prohibitive underdogs, yet came away with an inspired 34-27 victory over the West Long Branch Spartans. Those in attendance can tell their grandchildren that they were there when Coach Anthony Grassi began his assault on Coach Don Brocklebank's record for most wins by a Maple Place coach. The win was the first of the year for the 1-3 Chargers and, as Kenny "The Microwave" Wilhalme, Maple Place's #1 long distance scoring threat, put it after the game, "We shocked the world. Nostradamus didn't predict this, the Farmer's Almanac didn't predict this and the Mayan Calendar even had the Spartans as an 8 point favorite. Mark my words, this victory is going to have a bigger impact on the American psyche than when they switched Darrens from Dick York to Dick Sargent and never explained why on the old Bewitched TV show. You heard it here first."

Doug "The Bicep" Goldsmith led the way for the Chargers with ten points and nine tough rebounds, just missing a "double-double", all the while holding West Long Branch's leading scorer in check. Evan Coffey finished with 9 points and 4 assists and outplayed the Spartans’ point guard while flawlessly orchestrating the Chargers' newly installed "Aruban" offense.

Austin "The Volcano" Paglia erupted for 9 points and 5 rebounds as he carried the Chargers in the first half before getting into foul trouble. A concerned Paglia said, "I've never been in trouble before. I hope my parents don't find out about this." Tommy Mannino stepped in for Paglia in the third quarter and chipped in with two important assists and two big rebounds. Erik Graham pitched in with 2 points, 2 rebounds and 2 assists. Said Graham, "In my book, that's a triple double, baby!" Jonathan Amador's lock down defense was the key to keeping the Spartans out of the lane all game and he hit two clutch free throws in the waning seconds of the 4th quarter to ice the victory. Super Sixth Man JT Kessler came in off the bench, scored 4 points -- including two on an incredible spinning layup -- and had an assist and rebound, but it was his defensive aggressiveness that helped preserve the win for the boys in blue.

Back Row: Coach Grassi, Austin Paglia, Kenny "The Microwave" Wilhalme, Alex Olsen, Jonathan Amador, Evan Coffey, Tommy Mannino, Doug "These Are My Armpits" Goldsmith
Middle Row: Brandon Jackson, Kyle Hayes, AJ Shirley, Michael Barecca, Matt Altomare, Stevie Johnson, JP Harvey
Front Row: JT Kessler, Erik Graham

Oceanport Knight John Poccia shot his way to the New Jersey State Finals of the 2012 Elks Local 233 Hoop Shoot contest. In January, John nailed 23 out of 25 foul shots at the District Finals in Old Bridge to advance to the State Finals. In the State Finals, held in South Plainfield on February 12th, John hit 24 out of 25 foul to tie for first, before losing in a double shoot out. John is the second player from the Oceanport Knights to make it to the State Finals and he was really pleased with his effort. "At first I thought it was odd that elks would be involved in a foul shooting contest given the fact that they are extremely large, solitary, woodland mammals that aren't particularly suited to playing basketball," said Poccia after he prevailed in the District Finals, "In fact, most people don't realize that the elk is the second largest member of the family Cervidae. Only the moose is larger. So I was pretty confident that I was going to do well against them. It wasn't till we got to the court that I realized that there would be no foul shot shooting elks. My bad."

Poccia's success at foul shooting came as a big surprise to his long time Knights coach, Jay Coffey. "He can shoot foul shots? Wow. I've never seen him shoot from any place closer than 27 feet from the basket. He once complained to me that there isn't a 4 point line in basketball. Most of the shots he took for the Knights over the past four years required him to dial "1" first. I wish we had known about his foul shooting prowess earlier. Kids these days..."

The Elks “Hoop Shoot” Free Throw Contest is the largest and most visible of the many youth activities sponsored by Elks Lodges. More than three million boys and girls, ages 8-13, will participate this year. The Elks “Hoop Shoot” highlights the Elks commitment to America's youth. From the millions of youngsters who participate and advance through local, district, state and regional competition, six national champions are named — one boy and one girl in each of three categories: ages 8-9, 10-11 and 12-13.

And for those of you with higher reading comprehension levels, Gil Goldsmith was a State Finalist in 2010.

CLICK HERE FOR MAPLE PLACE CHARGERS FINAL STATS
HEAD INTO PLAYOFFS AFTER 34-26 DEFEAT OF MONMOUTH BEACH

Coach Anthony Grassi’s 2012 Maple Place Chargers Boys’ team closed out its regular season on a high note, beating the Monmouth Beach Dolphins 34-26 in a hard fought game played at Maple Place School. The win, coming on the heels of their previous 31-30 victory over the Dolphins, means that Maple Place 8th graders Doug Goldsmith, Austin Paglia, Jonathan Amador, Alex Olsen, J.T. Kessler, Erik Graham and Evan Coffey have gone their entire grammar school basketball careers without ever knowing what it is like to lose to Monmouth Beach. “Well, no matter what happens to any of us for the rest of our lives,” said Graham, “we will always be able to say, ‘At least I never lost to Monmouth Beach.’ And that, my friend, is FOREVER.”

The pre-game ceremonies honoring the seven Maple Place 8th graders must have left them a bit emotional because Monmouth Beach raced out to a 15-4 lead in the first quarter. But Kyle Hayes, a 7th grader whose playing time was increased due to the fact that Jonathan Amador was out sick, hit consecutive clutch jumpers to close out the first quarter as Maple Place started to capitalize on Monmouth Beach’s turnovers. The first quarter ended with Monmouth Beach in the lead 15-8, but the momentum had definitely swung over to the Chargers.

The Chargers dominated the second quarter, outscoring their opponents 10-3, while riding the hot hand of Doug Goldsmith (8 points, 2 rebounds). Goldsmith closed out the scoring in the first half with an old fashioned 3 point play (basket plus a foul shot) with about 20 seconds to go and the teams went into the locker room tied at 18.

Just prior to the half, Monmouth Beach’s point guard and leading scorer, Casey Rogers, left the game with an injury and he did not return in the second half. The absence of Rogers was hardly noticed, however, as the Dolphins raced out to a quick 26-20 lead with 2:30 left to go in the third quarter. It was at that point that the Chargers regrouped and redoubled their efforts on the defensive end. In the last 8:30 of the game the Dolphins were held scoreless by a dominant Chargers defense. With six steals and a blocked shot to their credit on defense, the Chargers reeled off 14 consecutive points in the final 8:30 of the game. Every loose ball seemed to end up in the hands of a Maple Place player. Evan Coffey and Doug Goldsmith had 6 rebounds and 2 steals between them in the fourth quarter and J.T. Kessler had a big basket during the comeback. The two biggest 4th quarter baskets, however, were scored by Austin Paglia. Just as he did in the first game against Monmouth Beach, Paglia scored the last two buckets of the game --- his only points --- and dashed any hopes of a Monmouth Beach comeback. As Paglia noted after the game, “Why score in the beginning of the game when nobody will remember it? The big money is in the big shots at the END of the game. I’m like the Mariano Rivera of grammar school basketball.”

A sub-plot to this game involved a bit of gamesmanship on the part of Monmouth Beach that backfired on them and their fans. When the Maple Place Chargers showed up at the first game at Monmouth Beach this year, the Monmouth Beach fans (the “MB Crazies”) and players were wearing t-shirts with mathematical symbols on them that essentially said “Dolphins > WLB Spartans” and “Dolphins > Chargers”. Unfortunately for Monmouth Beach, when their first two games against the Spartans and the Chargers ended, Monmouth Beach scored < their opponents each time. So, in addition to being 0 and 2 against their two main rivals, they were in need of a new t-shirt because the old one made them look like they could use some help in math.

When the Maple Place Chargers took the court against Monmouth Beach last week, the Maple Place players were wearing t-shirts that said, “THE NEW MATH: 07757 > 07750”. Unlike their opponents’ t-shirts, which are the grammar school equivalent of “Dewey Beats Truman”, the Maple Place Chargers’ t-shirts were as correct after the game as they were before it. Goldsmith and Coffey, the only two current 8th graders to play for the Chargers since 6th grade, finished 6-0 against Monmouth Beach over the past three years. “Numbers don’t lie,” said a satisfied Coffey, “and our shirts will always be 100% cotton and 100% accurate. Like Erik Graham says, that’s FOREVER!” Goldsmith agreed, saying, "Monmouth Beach finished 0-2 against both Maple Place and West Long Branch this year. Their shirts were 50% polyester, 50% cotton and 100% wrong. Did you ever see the movie 'Grown-ups'? We're like Adam Sandler's team."

Maple Place 8th graders Doug Goldsmith and Evan Coffey have been chosen to represent the Maple Place Chargers in this year's All-Star Game. The boys' game will be played at the Tinton Falls Intermediate School at 3:30 pm on Monday, March 5, 2012. Both Goldsmith and Coffey play in the Oceanport Basketball Association's Recreational Basketball Leagues and both have played for several years on the same Oceanport Knights Mid-Monmouth team. They will be joined by Monmouth Beach's Jack Britton, another Oceanport Knight & OBA Recreational Basketball League veteran. And, no, we didn't get these pictures from the wall at the Post Office.

Lucas Roffman exploded for 11 points in the Senior Boys League's final game of the 2011-2012 season, leading his Rutgers squad to victory over a struggling Northwestern team in a game that will be remembered for centuries. Roffman's 11 points mostly came during a 4 minute stretch at the close of the fourth quarter as he brought the capacity crowd to its feet with a display of deft outside shooting and strong moves around the basket, culminating in a reverse, underhanded scoop shot as the final buzzer sounded. Roffman, who has been telling people all season that he could average 20 points a game if only he could somehow pry the ball out of teammate Tom Treshock's hands, wasn't surprised by his fourth quarter offensive outburst. "I'm just thankful that Treshock's right arm was so exhausted from shooting so much that he had to pass to me at the end of the game," said an elated Roffman after the game, "They don't call me the Bus Driver for nuthin', you know. They call me the Bus Driver because when I have the ball I take all the other kids to school. And class was in session today, baby!"

Northwestern's Erik Graham actually felt bad for Roffman. "Rutgers has TWO coaches and it took them until the last game of the season to figure out that their offense should run through Roffman? I mean, really, if he played on a team with an unselfish point guard who has above average court vision and an unbelievably high basketball IQ and is incredibly popular with the ladies --- somebody like me --- Lucas would score 40 points a game." Northwestern's Tyler Pierson echoed Graham's sentiments, saying, "I know those coaches he has are really, really old, but how could they not see Roffman's talents? Now those coaches know what we players have known all along: You can't stop Lucas Roffman, you can only hope to contain him." Justin Costell, OBA's Defensive Player of the Decade, gave Roffman the ultimate compliment, saying, "He's the Blake Griffin of grammar school basketball, except without all the muscles, height and jumping ability. Otherwise, though, they are almost identical on the court."

"Lucas really had his game face on today," said Doug Goldsmith, "and when he has his game face on, you know he isn't going to be denied. I mean, look at that face. Go ahead an look at it. It's right over there, to your left. And that's his POST GAME face! Are you going to deny that? I'm not. By the way, if you scroll down a couple of stories you can see me flexing my bicep."

Roffman's buzzer beating scoop shot was the highlight basket of the season. His coach, Old Tom Degnan, leaped off the bench as if an asp had bitten him on the rear end when the ball found its way over rim and into the net. "I definitely pulled something in my thigh, but it was worth it," said Degnan. Assistant Coach Old Jeffery Bonner was absolutely amazed by the last seconds of the game. "I don't know what was more impressive, the scoop shot or the fact that I could see daylight under Degnan's sneakers when he jumped." The Elias Sports Bureau, moreover, has advised the OBA that the words "Degnan" and "jumped" have never before been used together in a sentence.




PHOTO LEFT: LUCAS ROFFMAN WITH POST GAME FACE

Oceanport, May 30,2012 - In an exciting, closely contested game, the '04 Pistons defeated the The Thunder 52-48 in the finals of the 2012 Shore Area Boys High School Rec Basketball League at Shore Regional High School. Pat Eilers, everybody's All-American, dominated the final 9 minutes, thwarting a late charge by the Thunder as he repeatedly hit clutch foul shots and grabbed key rebounds.

Playing without their spiritual leader, Tyler Vivian, the '04 Pistons were decided underdogs by the time the center jump took place. "We needed people to step up tonight," said '04 Pistons coach J.D. Watts, "because every time we started to doubt our abilities during the season Tyler Vivian was our Answer Man. With Tyler out tonight, we needed somebody else to pick us up. We knew that the Bloodgood brothers were going to get their points. The question was who was going be our Answer Man tonight when things got tough."

Pat Eilers was last night's Answer Man. Grabbing 10 rebounds and storming the hoop for 9 points, Eilers was clearly the difference in the game. The Thunder, led by John Bloodgood (21 points) and Kevin Bloodgood (15 points), fell behind by as many as 11 points early in the second half, but closed to within 2 points with 7 minutes left to go. "The big guy put us on his broad shoulders and carried us to this victory," offered an obviously exhausted Brian Dubois, who led the '04 Pistons with 18 points and had the unenviable task of trying to contain John Bloodgood on defense, "I don't know where we would be without Pat Eilers. He is who I want to be when I grow up."

'04 Pistons Freshman Matt McCarthy was overjoyed after the victory. "Boy, what an exciting year this has been," gushed McCarthy, "First, I get to play freshman basketball with James Kelly and Billy Deerin. That was a dream come true for me. I didn't think it could get any better than that, but here I am holding this sweet gold-colored, plastic trophy with a faux marble base! This really takes the cake, whatever that means."

More pictures and from the championship game can be found on the Oceanport Basketball Association's Facebook page. Final statistics can be seen by clicking on "OBA Standings and Stats" and then choosing "Statistics Leaders" from the Category dropdown box.

Nemo is bearing down on the Jersey Coast and our third week of rec basketball is in jeopardy.  We will advise everybody as to whether or not February 9th's slate of games are canceled by way of e-mail and posting on this website by 7:00 am tomorrow morning.  If snow accumulation isn't all that much (4 inches or less) and the roads are somewhat clear, the games at Maple Place will probably be on.  As shown below, a little bit of snow didn't stop our rec basketball program back in the winter of 1971.  That's Geoff Brignola with the ball and a young Tom Galvin officiating.

Shore Regional High School Junior Matt Proto, known throughout the state of New Jersey as the best football player in his house, is the Head Coach of the OKC Thunder in this year's Spring Rec High School Basketball League.  Proto, who combined with Daniel Pillari on the SRHS freshman basketball team to form the tandem known as "Shake & Bake (Matt was the "&"), has given up the game of basketball, but his classmates were eager for him to impart to them his considerable knowledge of how the game should be played.  Senior Connor Rogers, the leading scorer in this year's league, credits Proto with helping him to step up his game.  "The fact that Matt ties his own tie really sets him apart from the rest of the coaches," said an obviously impressed Rogers.  "I mean, WOW, the guy ties his own tie!  I didn't think he could even tie his own shoes and then he shows up in double breasted suit and a tie that doesn't clip on?  Amazing!  He's really got it going on.  How can you not want to play better for a guy like that?"   Proto, who hurt is shoulder in a bizarre Irish Clog Dancing accident and is currently rehabbing by taking ballet and competing in the heavyweight division of the National Synchronized Swimming League with comedian Louie Anderson, played down his importance to the team's success, "It's not about me, it is about the team.  Of course, if you want me to be really honest, the team is nothing without me," offered Proto,  "But keep that between me and you."  Erik Graham, who leads OKC in passing the ball to Connor Rogers, is certain that Proto's tactical brilliance will be the difference maker during the playoffs.  "Look," said Graham, "I don't know if Coach Proto knows his butt from his elbow about basketball, but the guy is HUGE and I can't see anybody disobeying him.  I've never seen anybody with a double breasted suit without sleeves, but Coach Proto insists that tailors can't make sleeves big enough to cover his massive arms."  When asked about his propensity for removing the sleeves from his clothing, Proto was modest to a fault, stating, "After all these years of body sculpting, I think it would be a sin if I deprived anyone the opportunity to see something as beautiful as my arms."  In this week's COACH'S CORDER (which can be viewed on the Oceanport Basketball Association's Facebook page) you can see video of Coach Proto as he attempts to cajole his team into re-taking the lead against player-coach Mike Blaney's 84 Celtics squad.  We've got some in-game photos below, but if you want to see video and a whole lot more action photos, go to the OBA Facebook page.

JESSIE FLAHERTY HOPS ON ONE LEG WHILE DRIBBLING BY BEN HESS

THE 84 CELTICS AND THEIR INSPIRATIONAL LEADER, NICK BLANEY

COACH ROB PROTO, MINI-PROTO AND THE OKC THUNDER SQUAD

THE 95 ROCKETS (HESS AND PATELLA'S SLEEVES BURST THE FIRST TIME THEY FLEXED)

THE KNICKS AND JOHN STOCKTON'S SHORTS (worn by Anthony D'Averso far right)

BEN "CHECK OUT THESE MASSIVE BICEPS" HESS DRIVES TO THE HOOP WHILE YAWNING

KEVIN MAZZELLAVATES OVER BEN HESS

DALE O'HALLORAN JUST BEFORE HE POSTERIZED BEN HESS AND HIS BICEPS

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!

THE BEST DRESSED MAN IN SPORT: PLAYER-COACH  J.D. WATTS

The crowd is stunned silent by RJ Bates's buzzer beating three pointer at the end of the Coach's Classic. We think that the entire crowd, both of them, wasn't looking when he shot it.

R.J. Bates connects for a 4th quarter jumper in the lane that breaks the back of the Red Team in the Coach's Classic.

You've got to have pretty quick eyes to keep track of this fast break!

The Red Team moves the ball around like the 1970-71 NY Knicks. Of course, the guys that played on the 1970-71 Knicks are about 65 years old now and, as you'll see by this video, the Red Team moves the ball around like a bunch of 65 year olds.

Robin Kelly's beautiful Alley-Oop pass goes unrewarded as Chris Paglia falls to the floor like an old man slipping on ice at a bus stop.

Mike O'Neill shows us that, despite his advancing age, his buttery smooth jumper is still dangerous.