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The Greatness of Chuck Norris
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later they discovered is the cause of Parkinson's disease.
Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down!
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' Big Cock Theory of Space-Time".
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym.
Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.
In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people.
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
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I AIN'T WEARIN' THAT!
October 20, 2005 --
If someone granted you the chance to play a game that you love for eight months out of the year, opportunities for lucrative endorsements and the average salary was over $2 million per year with a minimum of $300,000 and a maximum of $25 million, would you bitch if the boss said that you'd have to wear a suit to the fields? And no, I'm not talking about Stadium Club softball, but the NBA. The league has required the players to take off the sweatpants and t-shirts and headbands and dew rags and jewelry and headphones and act like grown adults and wear dress clothes when traveling to arenas and while sitting on the bench when not dressed to play. No big deal, right? Well, there has been quite an outrage from players about the standard that has been set. Marcus Camby was quoted demanding a stipend from David Stern to buy the suits. WTF? I'm thinking that you can afford the suits with your $8 million a year salary, Marcus. These guys have lost touch with reality. Wouldn't you expect employees of a $4 billion a year corporation to be wearing a suit and tie to work every day? Mr. Stern thinks so:
"All I'm trying to do is bring some professionalism to the league and the players."
Nothing wrong with that. The bench at an NBA game looks like a group of guys that just left the gym after working out.
Allen Iverson has vehemently spoke out against this new dress code on ESPN's "Quite Frankly":
"It sends a bad message to the kids."
"If you put a murderer in a suit, he's still a murderer."
"I think it makes the NBA look bad because the players aren't dressing the way they normally do."
WTF?!?!? Wearing a suit on the bench sends a bad message to the kids???? And all along I thought it was going in the stands and kicking the shit out of fans. And, if you put a maniac with serious rage issues in a suit, he IS still a maniac, you're right on that one, Allen. And I don't think the NBA will look bad because it makes the guys wear suits on the bench instead of sitting there looking like some punks who sneaked into the stadium without paying.
Hey Allen, this dress code is called the REAL WORLD. You don't think that the soldiers in the Middle East that have to wear Flak-vests and Kevlar helmets and don chem-gear in 125 degree heat are happy that they have to do it, do you? Or the kid that graduates college and enters the work force and has to wear those stuffy suits that you hate so much so he can make his best possible living at $35,000 a year? Or what about the guy that works in a warehouse with his name on his shirt that ruins the jeans that he wears to work? Should his boss buy his jeans for him?
By dressing as a professional, these players are catering to the exact group that pays most of their salaries, the working professionals. At $60-$70 per ticket and 41 home games, the NBA is not affordable to the average Joe on the street with kids. It's the business men that drive this game, not the hip-hop thug in high school. Hey Allen and Marcus, pull your head out of your asses, shut your fuckin' mouths and have your coach teach you how to tie a double Windsor.
Feel free to reply in Smack Talk.
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What up, fockers?
April 5, 2005 --
Holy fuck! Where do I start and what should I talk about? I'll start by echoing Circle's best wishes to the Benjamin's. You guys are missed already. My only hope is that you guys can truly realize how much you meant to me, Team DIESEL, Malmstrom and everyone else that you guys came in contact with. You are both great people. I love you both. I don't know if anything else worth while will come out of this section of Fat City Central, but here goes....
Talk about some cool ass shit so far this year. First the MCS coming about, then a Miken sponsorship, then talking smack on the sites, then meeting a bunch of peeps from the websites and another up-coming softball season.
First and foremost, I would like to thank Mark Jensen for sticking with the MCS from square one. Your hard work and perserverence has paid off with not only the MCS coming to fruition, but also Butte getting a competitive tourney for the first time maybe since "B" State. CJ and I talked about this one night. I got pretty fired up to do this early on, CJ took over when I lost steam, then Hollywood and Cory Mac took the ball and Got-R-Dun. All the while Mark Jensen never lost focus and was a driving force in the completion of the process whether it was adding a good idea or the willingness to do ANYTHING and clear any hurdle to make this a reality. Serious thanks to Mark, CJ, Satch and CMac, without you guys a lot of us go on playing in tourneys with 3 "B" teams in them and spotting runs and all that BS. Thanks again, fellas.
The next topic I'd like to touch on is our Miken sponsorship this year. I think this is a great opportunity for DIESEL and Montana softball in general. This state needs more big sponsorship. Don't get me wrong. I don't think our shit don't stink cuz of Miken. But, I DO think it is a great opportunity for our team and it would be very hard to pass up a chance to partake in a partnership with the hands-down best softball bat maker out there right now. Some people may not give two shits about it, but I think it's pretty damn cool. I hope more teams can follow suit and get some more recognition for Montana softball and I hope we can play some quality ball to live up to the Miken name and not embarass ourselves or Miken. I think we should do allright this year.
Next, the websites. Freaking awesome guys! I love going on all the sites every day and checking the latest retarded nonsense that Big O or KR or Beav or GB or Circle or you get the idea, has posted. Any of a number of site visitors are a few cans short of an 18. I love starting new threads on sites or jump-starting something as meaningless as a Power Pole for the MCS. You know as well as I do that a Power Pole doesn't mean jack shit. But what it would do, is create some serious debate and good-natured shit talking going on the forums and at the fields and at the bars. Can you imagine if the mighty Stadium Club was ranked number one, then came to Can-Am like they did last year and stink it up? Or if Pepper's was ranked higher than Fatt Boy's, but had a losing record against them? What if the #8 ranked team won State, would that be a Cinderella story? All of this would make for fun conversation and would help liven up some rivalries. But only if everyone takes it light-heartedly and realizes that it really doesn't mean a hill of beans because when it comes down to it, the state tournament and MCS point standings will be all that matters.
On to talking shit on the sites. I love starting these threads and hearing poeple's points of view, whether it be to grow up, or I'm full of myself or who gives a fuck or maybe some people that actually may give a shit or maybe just a post from somebody who actually understands where I coming from and maybe, just maybe, if I get really lucky, someone tells me to go fuck myself. All I am trying to do is spark interest in the sites or get people fired up. The thread that I thought was misunderstood the most was "Players to
Watch for the MCS". How did people take that as I was trying to self promote or that talk is cheap? Sure talk is cheap, but only if it's about yourself. My point in the thread was to give RESPECT to some players, mainly unknown or first year "B" league players. Notice, I didn't say first year "B" players. I said first year "B" league players. They didn't just become "B" level guys this year. Some of the lesser known guys have been good ball players for a while now, but have just played on teams with friends or with guys that weren't quite at their level or their team started as a "D" team as has worked its way up to "B". I'm sure everyone out there can name four or five guys off the top of their heads that are really good players that either can't commit to playing as much ball as the competitive teams need them to or maybe they just like to play with their buds or maybe they don't really realize how good they are. Those guys can play ball too, but just don't play on certain teams that get press. So, the long and the short of it is just this: If you see me post something, just ignore it or be honest with your reply and just have fun with it. The more people that participate, the more enjoyable the experience for everyone. Enough said on that topic.
On to what may possibly be the best part of this summer, meeting all these deranged fucks that post on the sites. I have already met GB, Lil Ern, Carmen and Niki. I already knew Hammer, Big O, Beav, Jensen and Graham. And I am looking forward to meeting KR, Cory Mac, Hollywood and "that guy" Stevie P. Don't take this the wrong way Fatt Boy's, but "www.losersbracket.com" is really pretty original and funny. If only Pepper's hadn't already been eliminated while he was saying it. DOH! There are some serious fucking characters out there and it's gonna be a great time meeting all of you. I think that the Miken All-Star Game (yes, that IS a shameless plug) and HR derby at Can-Am on Saturday night is going to be a drunk fest and a great flippin' time for all the teams out there. Don't forget that there will be Miken and beer giveaways for those events as well. Fun will be had by all. I am truly looking forward to tipping back many, many, many, many, many beverages with some of you fellas. 'Til then, I have a few questions for you guys about the up coming season.
What is going to happen this year on the field? Is SC gonna give a little payback to the Rebels from last year's loss at Can-Am? Will DIESEL be able to turn the tables on Fatt Boy's a few times? Will SC and Pepper's see who's gonna win one out of fifteen? Will Shanty turn it around and get some serious respect this year as a contender instead of just a scrappy bunch of salty Butte Rats? Will DIESEL prove to be an actual factor or just a one-hit wonder? Will Dirt return to its glory days? Will Mertes and Hiskey put Elbow Room over the hump? Will the Calvert/Soda "trade" benefit both sides? Will the old Max/Sting guys help the Rebels adjust to B-ball? Will Dr. Bomb fill another pitcher with his own vomit? Will DIESEL be able to top "Green Friday" at the Elbow? Will I drink enough Jager at a tourney this year to make myself shit my britches during a game again? Will Circle shit off of another hotel this year? And the question that has been haunting me since the season ended last year: What the fuck am I gonna do at the Home Run Derby at Goosetown this year??????
PEACE!
Fatty
P.S. Hey B, did you get that new CD yet?
P.S.S. Beav, never forget what my Shaolin Master taught me:
"remember it does'nt matter what bat you use a good bat makes a good hitter better not a bad hitter better so befor worry about a better bat work on be a better hitter first."
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Changing of the Guard
March 2, 2004 --
Not only did Dr. Circle live up to his name as the "Filthiest Skidmark in the Bowl", but he did it with a style and grace and a commitment to excellence that hasn't been seen since I came out in the home run derby in Goosetown to "I'm Too Sexy" and hit in full 70's regalia.
For those of you who haven't had the honor of meeting the doctor, it was a day that few humans could top. For those of you who have met the skidmark, you would only be mildly surprised by his behavior.
In this entry of Fat City Central, I will attempt to recount the details of this infamous night.
The day started off rather calmly as we had a few beers at his lower-eastside apartment(12pm). Then the story traverses to the 8 Ball In(4:30pm), where The Human Browneye proceeded to drink plus/minus 3 Jagr Blasters, 6 Dirty Nellies(3 of which were chugged), and numerous(approximately 6) pints of beer(3 of which he chugged while playing Quarters with Kevin, but that is another story for another day). After pouring all of this shit down his throat, Circle decided to show off his mastery of the ancient art of PUKE AND RALLY(8pm) after chugging a piss warm beer that Kevin had bounced a quarter into.
After blowing chow, Chris and I went to Taco Bell where he housed 3 chalupas, 1 taco and a whole quesadilla. While there he decided that the floor was the trash can and proceeded to treat it like it was one.
Off to Murph's(9:30). When most retardly drunk people would decide that they did not need to drink anymore, Chris decided that he needed their $5 "Bottomless Beer Cup" and drank at least 3 of these and spilled at least 2 others on innocent bystanders. Don't forget 3 more Jagr Blasters.
After leaving Murph's, we went to the Hi Ho(?pm, the time cannot be verified due to the condition of the narrator) and C thought that he was allowed to drink directly from a pitcher, so he did.
While all of this was going on Circle found time to wear his mullet wig to Murph's; piss on the floor next to me in the 8 Ball, getting the bottom of my pants wet, which he found to be quite humorous and I did not so much; and leave a pile of steaming deep fried mushrooms on the table/floor of the 8 Ball, as well as in 3 neat piles outside of the front door of said establishment.
Any self-respecting party freak would have been proud to have been the owner of just half of these actions, but only a true professional could accomplish all of these things and still remain standing.....Dr. Circle Skidmark C.
God Bless that Kid.
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BELT RODEO TOURNAMENT
June 20, 2004 --
This weekend, the little town of Belt, MT (pop. 800) had their 3rd Annual Belt Rodeo Days Co-Ed softball tourney. It's played on 280 foot fields with damn near gravel infields. I've played this tourney for all three years now and have had an absolute blast every year. The goal of this tourney is to drink as much as possible and still be able to function on the field and win a T-Shirt. Everyone but Kevin was able to do this, as evidenced by him dropping the last three cans-of-corn hit to him in the outfield and by him almost falling on his face while catching the previous ball to that.
The ability levels of teams range from D-Rec to C. They allow each team one HR per inning with subsequent HR's being ground-rule doubles. So basically, any ball over the fence is never an out. One of the fields has the Belt Creek running behind right field, so obviously this was a target for the mashers out there.
The last two years, most teams would have one or two guys that could hit it out. This year I decided that it would be fun to bring a team out with 5 or 6 guys who could hit it out, so we did. In attendence for women were: Kelly, Patty and Jolene from Kelly's women's team, Jamie L., Quincy and Nikki from Rhino and our friend Val from the U-Bet. For the guys we brought out our very own Murderer's row from TEAM DIESEL: Nellie, Big Un, PSTokes, myself, Guzz, Zak and BB.
The tourney started Friday night with a win followed by an upset by the 8-Ball Extreme Co-Ed team. There was nothing Extreme about Geno and Brice's crew, just a lack of hitting by Team Fat City. Extreme hit the ball very well in the first two innings causing us to fight back the rest of the way, but we ran out of time and daylight in the 4th inning and the whistle blew and we lost.
Saturday was highlighted by Zak and Kevin trying to down a bottle of Jagr by themselves during two games. I knew Zak was in trouble when I saw him drinking Jagr out of the bottle and chasing it with 50/50 mixed Crown and Coke while wearing his jock and cup around his neck. God bless that kid! Needless to say Zak was in no condition play after game 2 on Sunday. Nellie was taking a hit off the bottle in between every inning. Then Fatty started wearing Zak's jock on the outside of his pants and Zak played the Party Boy Theme every time Fatty hit which would cause Fatty to do some sort of backwoods red-neck version of a white-guy dance in the batter's box that included hip gyrations and pelvic thrusts that would make a stripper blush. At some point, during the first championship game, Nellie starting spitting a lot in the outfield and claimed he had to puke. There he was told that if puke came out, then he was out. I think he started swallowing puke at that point.
This weekend we had co-winners of "The Drunkest Human Being on the Face of the Earth": you guessed it Nellie and Zak took the prize as they bested all challengers in succeeding to turn themselves in to walking fermentation vessels. Defensive MVP's were Guzz at shortstop and Val in left field. Offensive MVP's were all the guys(we probably hit about 40-50 out as a team) and Nikki and Val for the girls. Also, on a side note, congratulations to Team Fat City for a 1st place finish. Filthy Bo Scaggs' team, the Chickenhawks, went through the winners bracket and but took second. Their weekend was highlighted by Rickey's never-ending bottle of Crown and Bo's strip tease at the plate during the "if" game.
When we left Belt, two bottles of Crown, a bottle of Jagr, a bottle of vodka and about 4 cases of beer lay in waste. Not to mention the spirits imbibed at the Belt Brew Pub, the Ranch Saloon and the Black Diamond Restaurant. We came out to have fun and fun was had by all and we had a great weekend.
Shout outs include: BB and Quincy for playing Friday when we were short and coming out Saturday to drink and coach third, Jason Boggess for a little Crown to warm the belly while Big Un and I were playing outfield Friday night, Jim Pope the tournament director, CJ, Tristan, Jamie B., Jeff Beecroft and John Shaffer's team for giving us hell and cheering us on during the championship games, the Chickenhawks, especially Bo, Lori, Curtis, and Rickey, Josh Calvert for diving all over the pasture when we played his team and Randy Jackson for some good umpiring for the weekend and understanding what this tournament was about and flexing the rules for safety's sake.
PEACE
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A MOMENT OF ZEN with BO SCAGGS......
June 9, 2004 --
Wise man says you can catch the devil, but you can't keep him long, which seems true to us - we get a problem licked and it comes back. The game of softball goes back to the Egyptians when Pharaohs would drink all weekend and play softball to the sun gods who were up in the heavens lavishing in the savage amusement. It's a spectacle of grace and will power, strategy and determination. It takes a weak heart to forget failure - success is measured in an array of lengths. If you don't play to win, then why keep score. In softball, it's a game of inches- it's inches that separate a dismal assortment from a vacuous Juggernaut that seems unstoppable. Give this some thought when you are driving down 10th on the way to the field. Until then think of the words of wisdom that have been displayed and use it to your advantage. On behalf of Jerry Springer and your coaches - Give someone a hug.
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ZAK THE DAY AFTER
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Weight on the Chest with Some Irony on It
June 30, 2004 --
Wow, where do I start? So many things have happened this year that just could never have happened without the proper alignment of the moon, sun, stars, planets, comets and meteors. At the beginning of this calendar year, so much was in limbo. Who do we(Circle and I) play for? Which team will have the best opportunity to win? Which group of guys would we fit in with best? Who takes the game serious enough to make for a competitive year?
Circle and I knew we would have fun this year, but we didn't know how it would turn out being on a new team. I had been playing with the old Sting team that used to play for the Halftime and originally for the Sting about 8 years ago. I got picked up about 6 years ago with them as a young kid who could hit a little, but could definitely drink beer. Our team was always fairly competitive, but we always got drunk. Thank god I could drink cuz they would have cut me on playing ability alone after about two tournaments. I think they kept me around because I always paid up my 18-pack fines.
We picked up Circle about 3 years ago as another young talent. He partied very hard and could hit hard. He turned out to be probably the best pick-up we made until he tried to hurdle a 6 foot fence in a drunken stupor and tore his ACL. He played the remainder of the year with this injury and was better than at least half of our players. Last year, we sucked all year due to lack of players until State, where we somehow pulled off a 2nd place finish with STELLAR defense and averaged about 11 runs/game. Hitters game, huh?
This year, Circle and I wanted to go to a winning team that we could maybe help get over the hump. We leaned towards the Max because of their past success, but they were losing many talented players. DIESEL was on its way up, being just a buzzsaw in the beginning of the year, but petering at the end. DIESEL always seemed cool, but they drank to much for me (irony, anyone) and everyone said that they'd be too drunk to play seriously. The Max definitely took it seriously, but they had too many cancers on the team, too many guys who'd talk shit about each other and too many clicks. Finally, the decision came down to Vern telling Circle that they were looking for role players. Later, I would find out that they weren't even gonna use me in the top half of the lineup and Circle would have been a back-up. WHAT? Don't get me wrong, I'll do whatever on a good team. As witnessed by me giving up a starting spot at 2nd base that I've played for 4 years now to catch or EH. Circle, a role player? STUPID! People said he drank too much and all he could do was hit home runs. HMMMM... In Missoula for the first tournament of the year, Circle was the DD. And all he does this year is hit piss-rods up the middle and the 5-6 hole. Good call on that one, boys.
Some more irony, Bice used to get pissed at people for being too drunk to play and he became the first player to be late to a game this year for drunkeness. Zak used to drink his face off and be shitty drunk on the pitchers rubber year after year. Now he's the first man home on weekends. For god's sake, Stokes has only been spotted drinking in Montana on two occasions during the last 18 months and he was the most fired up to drink Jagr-Blasters at the Elbow last weekend. When they took Marla and I home to pass out, Mikey was the first to say, "Let's go back to the bar and drink some more!" Nellie took a walk, a non-intentional walk. Duff took a walk too, and slid head-first. Bones took a walk. What's going on around here?
You know what, on a serious note, I'm having the most fun I've had ever playing ball. What a great group of guys we have this year! When we go out of town, the WHOLE team goes to the same bar and stays at the same hotels. When Big Un decided to have a few beers and throw some shoes last night, he called up some DIESEL and everyone he called showed up. Nobody is afraid to step up and pay for a round of pitchers or shots. In fact, that's the reason Friday night happened.
What we have here is great group of guys with alot of character and enough clowns to keep people cracking up all the time. What each and every person on this team needs to realize, especially those who haven't played with other teams or players, is that we have a chemistry and dynamic that few teams can ever have and some teams will never have due to the players that they roster. This team is very competitive, unselfish, we take care of each other, we have tons of fun and we win at the highest level the state has to offer. Good luck playing somewhere else and having the same experience. This is all just my opinion and take it for what it's worth. I'm Fatty and I'm out.
PEACE
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Thoughts For The Day
March 26, 2004 --
Just got in from some BP with Circle, Big Un and the Biceman. Although, Guz was not there, I am very certain that this group of guys that TEAM Diesel has added will help this team tremendously.
Circle is showing a definite knack for shooting the gut, hard, and consistently, showing that he has more to his game at the plate than hitting bombs. Ernie is spraying hard line drive base hits to all fields, further solidifying himself as our lead-off hitter and tablesetter. Big Un is LAUNCHING balls out of the yard and hitting hard line shots, proving why he is one of the most feared power hitters in the state. Guz may be leaving this May, but next year he will contribute as a solid hitter that can either shut down a position in the infield or fill a role as a guy that can truly play ANY position on the field. And I am getting back into my comfort, confidence zone after my shoulder surgery.
I know that all of us new guys are very excited to add to the core of talented players that Diesel has carried over from last year. I am totally confident that this TEAM will put up 25-30 runs per game and possibly be the best defensive team in the state.
The keys to this season will be maintaining a POSITIVE, can't lose attitude, backing each other to the end; having a TEAM first attitude, where TEAM success outweighs individual performance; and HAVING FUN. Everyone knows that winning is fun, but having fun with each other will take us to the next level and make the whole year an enjoyable experience, win or lose. We need to take advantage of and recognize what each individual player can do for our TEAM.
I look forward to playing with each and every player on this team this year and having a GOOD TIME. Let's not ever forget that if we don't think and act as a TEAM, then we will go nowhere and will have a miserable summer. Let's stay POSITIVE and have fun this year.
Peace Out,
FATTY
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TEAM Diesel Is Now Ben-Jammin
March 17, 2004 --
Another day brings another press conference announcing another Diesel signing. The Fat Man announced that Brian "Big Un" Benjamin has inked on with TEAM Diesel.
During the press conference Westphal said, "Today was a tremendous day for us. Not only did we get Big Un, but now we have someone to compete with Kevin for the 'Sexiest Bald Head in Great Falls'. My vote is for Benjamin because he takes the BIC to his noggin. You know how I love a nice, clean shaven head rubbing on my....oh my bad, was that out loud?!?! Anyway, we are extremely happy to have Brian and look forward to a fun and successful season."
There you have it folks, not only did we sign Ben-Jammin, but Chris Westphal almost came out of the closet.
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TEAM Diesel Signs Guzman
February 19, 2004 --
In a recent news conference, Diesel announced the signing of Tim "Bling, Bling" Guzman. When asked about his decision to play with Diesel, Guz replied, "Blingin', man. I just want to thank Zack and CJ for the opportunity to be blingin'. I felt that Diesel Softball needed a little more bling, bling. Ya know what I'm sayin'. See ya later, unless I see ya first. Blingin', B."
True words of wisdom by the blinginest mofo in MT.
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TEAM Diesel Makes New Additions
February 3, 2004 --
Earth-shattering news broke today as TEAM Diesel held a short-notice press conference to announce the signings of Fat City, Dr. Circle C, and the infamous Biceman. Reporters asked the HNIC, CJ Westphal, many tough hard-liner questions about how TEAM Diesel was able to make these three signings and still stay under the salary cap. "We offered them all beer!" was the coachmeister's reply. Simple as that. The agents for the three stars could not be reached for comment, although I'm sure they can all be seen in the unemployment line about now.
When the players were asked about how they feel about being a part of the Diesel family, Fat City commented, "I hope Zak and Tristan are acting more like brothers now than kissing cousins." Dr. Circle echoed this concern as well, but also revered Zak's "Accomodation Skills" as being the "Best in the West". Zak Petrini could not be reached for further comment.
On a side note, Ernie Bice accepted his "Drunkest Person on the Face of the Earth" award by thanking his family for teaching how to drink mass quantities of spirits in such a miniscule period of time. Shout-outs included: Ray-Ray from up da skreet, Baby Earl on da skrimping boat, MaMa NeNe down up at Popeye's Chicken, and Billy Joe Bob who taught him how to beer-bong at age 6. When the Biceman was informed that he had already drank his entire year's salary of beer, Big Ern gave a sly little wink and said, "There's always next year."
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CIRCLE B???
March 24, 2004 --
With all of the hootin' and hollerin' that we Diesel players do on almost a daily basis, I thought that I would take a second and dedicate some space on our website to a new life that has come into our world......Bridger Michael Coleman. Congratulations to the proud parents, Chris and Jessica Coleman.
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Some words of wisdom from the Beav....
Enough Already
June 24, 2004 -- Take this for what it is, not for what you think it is or for what it could be twisted to be. This softball team has been a highly competitive team for a long time. There have been years when I wasn't on the team, and years you weren't on the team. Travis and Murray are the only true mainstays. The chances are you may never be on this team, whether you've been and left or just never been. The reason this team has been able to compete for so long is we have made roster changes. Possibly the reason this team has not been more competitive is because we made roster changes. Not all have been good. Not all have been bad. Most were very hard to make. Few have been easy. We've fallen victim to the package deal on more than one occasion and it won't happen again. Deal with it!
Which brings me to my next topic. I do not make all the decisions on this team, Travis doesn't make all the decisions on this team, no one person is responsible for any one decision. We have all been there putting our two cents in at one time or another. It is hard to weigh in on whether your friends are a right fit for the team, because my teammates past and present I consider my friends. I understand the fact that some were not informed they weren't on the team. That is shitty. I also understand I did not want to be the guy who breaks that news. I know that Travis and I have recieved the brunt of the backlash on more than one occassion. If that's how it has to be, I guess that's that. Just remember if you were on this team, a group of people had something to do with it. If you aren't on the team anymore a group of people had something to do with it. Remember I played on this team for some time while my own brother was voted off! Yet people will dislike me, because they have been voted off. What it comes down to is you've got fifteen players. Twelve who will start most of the time and three that are role players. Sometimes the best players do not fit that puzzle.
In closing, I do not hate anybody or harbor any bad feelings towards anyone. If you are the butt end of a joke that is all it is, I've been there. In a perfect world we could roster everyone and win every tournament and never disagree the whole way. This world ain't perfect and either am I.
And that's all I got to say about that.
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