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Hockey Humour
You Know You're A Hockey Fan If.......
1. Your idea of serving breakfast is giving each of your kids a fork and dropping an Eggo in the middle of the table.
2. You punish your kids with "minors," "majors," and "misconducts."
3. When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns green, you stop.
4. When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns red, you get really excited and start cheering.
5. You consider the Forum in Montreal a place of worship.
6. You keep a picture of the Stanley Cup in your wallet in front of the picture of your family.
7. Instead of duct tape, you use hockey tape to fix everything.
8. You know the difference between "The Garden," "The Gahden," and "The Gardens."
9. You call a trip to the Hockey Hall of Fame a "pilgrimage."
10. You think the Canadian National Anthem is the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada."
11. You send Gordie Howe a birthday card, yet you can't even remember your own family members' birthdays.
12. All your kids are either named Gordie, Bobby or Wayne.
13. You went to see "West Side Story" because you thought it was about a game between Winnipeg and San Jose.
14. You went into a bank because it advertised "Free Checking"....and walked out disappointed.
15. When someone refers to "The Classics," you think they're talking about the Original Six.
16. Your cure for everything is a couple extra-strength aspirin and a shot of Novocain.
17. You can pronounce anything in French, yet you have no idea what it means.
18. Every time you hear a siren you wonder who scored.
19. You can say "Khabibulin," "Tkachuk," "Jagr," "Leschyshyn" and "Tverdovsky" without getting tongue-tied.
20. Every time you see the name "Roy" you automatically pronounce it "Wah."
21. You're not allowed to play chess simply because the first time you played, you misunderstood the meaning of the word "Check."
22. You think the Four Food Groups are Nachos, Beer, Pretzels and Rubber.
23. Everything in your wardrobe is your team's colors.
24. You still remember which teams were in the Patrick, Smythe, Norris and Adams divisions and which divisions were in the Campbell and Prince of Wales conferences.
25. You know the difference between "The Edmonton Express" and "The Human Express."
26. You refer to your team's enforcers as "chippy players" and you refer to other teams' enforcers as "freaking little pieces of monkey crap."
27. When you're at a game, you're not bothered when your kid cusses but when he says "shutout" before the game is over, you threaten to wash his mouth out with soap.
28. You wonder what Miroslav Satan did to become the Prince of Darkness and Ruler of Hell.
29. You think the proper way to spell the plural of "leaf" is "leafs."
30. You can name all the Sutter brothers in order
31. Your closet is divided into 2 sections, HOME and AWAY
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Four hockey fans were climbing a mountain one day.
Each was a fan of a different team, and each
proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans of
their hockey team. As they climbed higher, they
argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of
all.
They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the New Jersey fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for the Devils!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, a Philadelphia fan threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming, "This is for the Flyers!"
Seeing this, the Canadiens fan walked over and shouted, "This is for everyone!" and pushed the Leafs fan off the side of the mountain.
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A Saintly Canadiens Fan
A Canadiens fan was driving home from work and he passed by the local priest. He stops and offers him a lift. The priest thanks him kindly and together they proceed to the church to drop the priest off.
On the way they pass a man walking his dog on the other side of the road, on closer inspection the man was seen to be wearing a replica Toronto Maple Leafs sweater. Now the Canadiens fan driving hated the Leafs and suddenly felt an uncontrollable urge to run his car into him. He put his foot down on the accelerator and tried to hit him. At the last minute the Leafs fan jumped out of the way, the driver of the car heard a bang but he was sure he'd missed him.
The two men proceeded to the church in silence and the Canadiens fan pulled up and said
"Look Father, Im really sorry about that incident back there, I dont know what came over me, can you forgive me father??" The Priest replied
"Of course I can forgive you my son, I GOT HIM WITH THE CAR DOOR"
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Q: How many Leafs fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you like, they will never see the light.
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NHL COMPUTER VIRUSES
The MONTREAL CANADIENS virus - This is where the computer develops a memory disorder, and forgets about everything written since 1993.
The OTTAWA SENATORS Virus- Your computer starts well and then crashes time after time when things get interesting
The MIGHTY DUCKS virus - This affects newer computers mainly. The computer looks great, all the flashing lights lights are on but nothing works.
The NEW YORK RANGER Virus- A Particularly nasty annual virus that only rears its ugly head around the 1st of July every year. Forcing you to spend lots of cash to fix it until the same thing happens next july and so on and so on....
The PAVEL BURE virus- locks your computer and downloads explcit images of female Russian tennis players-There is no known defence to this virus
The TIE DOMI virus - Throws you out of Windows.
The MIKE MILLBURY virus - The computer develops a continuous whining noise.
The CHRIS OSGOOD virus - You just can't save anything.
The ERIC LINDOROS virus - The computer develops a processor problem whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic fluctuation in performance.
The CUJO virus - Your PC will act as though it will save something, but then unexplainably lets you down at the most important times
The DANIEL ALFREDSSON virus - The computer pretends to shut down, but then re-boots and is perfectly okay.
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Did you hear that on the Leafs bus they hooked up a lie detector. Yuskevich hooks himself up and says, "I think we have the best defense in the league." Immediately the detector goes off. Sundin hooks himself up and says, "I think I'm the best hockey player in the game." Immediately the lie detector goes off. Domi steps up and says, "I think.." and immediately the lie detector goes off.
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Old timers John and Harold were avid hockey fans and watched every game on TV. John died, and following the funeral, Harold turned on the TV to see the next game.
During the first intermission, John appeared on the screen. "Harold, can you hear me?"
"Yes, I can hear you John."
"Harold, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is they play hockey every day up here. When one season ends, the next one starts."
"Well, what's the bad news?"
"I just saw tomorrow's lineup and you're in net!"
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St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about hockey. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered. "We've got all the Referees!!!"
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Darren McCarty's wife broke her leg, so he called 911. The 911 operator told McCarty that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. McCarty replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long, long pause and finally McCarty said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
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