(I am one hideous Once A Week Mutha Fucka) No wonder small children run when they see me coming. You never quite realize just what a hideous fucking C.H.U.D you are until you see yourself in a photo. That is my sex face by the way and now you can see THE WIFE has this seemingly perpetual headache! However; as long as I have duct-tape and a gun I’m a gonna get me some!
Anyway, Mert is on the loose in this edition of the Planet, and much like the famed episode of “Family Guy” where Peter Griffin gets his own show to talk about what grinds his gears…Uncle Mertog is going to get a few things off of his chest. I guess a good subtitle for this Planet would be: “Things that make you go WHAT THE FUCK”?
One of the things that makes Mertog say: “WHAT THE FUCK” is whenever I talk to a supposed adult about what he or she is reading, inevitably one person in the group will proudly proclaim that they have just finished reading the latest Harry Potter book. I instantly want to reach out and choke this person or at least shake them and scream at the top of my lungs: “IT’S A FUCKING CHIILDRENS BOOK YOU FUCKING MUSHROOM”! They actually believe their reading this substandard children’s book is some sort of huge fucking accomplishment. Jesus, it’s not like they breezed through Henry David Thoreau’s “Civil Disobedience or something, although from their proud proclamation you would think it were. The good news is that it is a step up from their usual “Scratch and Sniff” books.
Warning! This is not literature!
Of course people with an obsession for children’s entertainment always feel the need take their sickness to a whole new level of scary and actually become dangerous to the rest of us. Still don’t believe in government sanctioned killing?
The type of people whom read Harry Potter would have a higher probability of absorbing more from the book if they ate it. Now while I’m not exactly sure what the nutritional value of a book is I am quite certain a book in the hands of a person who reads Harry Potter definitely has more nutritional value than intellectual.
WHAT THE FUCK? The Jonas Brothers actually exist! I firmly believe that anyone who listens to the Jonas Brothers over the age of ten should be put to sleep before they have the opportunity to breed and spread their diseased genes.
Speaking of the Jonas Brothers there are only a few explanations for their success, they are a manifestation of the Dark Lord come back to set in motion the end of days. Or perhaps it is that the only people buying cds these days are prepubescent girls in the throes of hormonal changes and fucked up chemistry which has somehow affected their hearing. Then there is the third option and the one that I find most plausible…and that is that there are far too many pedophiles walking the face of the earth at this very moment that have not yet been flushed out by Chris Hansen.
Mertog Fact!
The Jonas Brothers are the top selling recording artists (and I use the term artists more loosely than the vaginal region of Pamela Anderson) amongst Catholic Priests! And that my friends was Mertog buying his ticket on the express flight to the bowels of hell!
And for those of you moaning in some sort of feigned moral indignation right now about my off colored joke about priests answer this question: “If one of these guys told you he had a pocket full of candy and asked you if you wanted one…would you accept one or would you run as fast as your legs would carry you”? That’s what I thought now shut up! Besides that one on the far right just has that look in his eye that just screams “You are next bitch”!
WHAT THE FUCK! You know that you are getting old when everyone on your team was either in diapers or not even born when the Breakfast Club came out. That is of course with the exception of my good friend Rob Raymond who was a teenager when Citizen Kane came out. “ROSEBUD…ROSEBUD”! And you know you are really, really old if you actually understood that last sub-reference.
Ryno gets it don’t you Ryno!
Speaking of great classic movies they just don’t make them like Citizen Kane, Apocalypse Now, The Godfather and movies like them anymore. Mert has to say: “WHAT THE FUCK” when the top movies coming out now are once again children’s stories that adults flock to. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Terminator: Salvation and of course what summer movie lineup would be complete without Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince? Are you kidding me? If any one of these movies strikes you as being great then it is apparent that the aliens from “HULU” have sucked the gelatinous mush that you call brain matter out of your ears with a straw. I would rather shave my balls, sit in a bucket of gasoline and play with matches before shelling out my hard earned cash for one of these shit-fests! The Britney Spears comeback at the VMA’s was culturally more stimulating than anything these movies have to offer.
How sad was this moment in American Music? WHAT THE FUCK? To me the funniest thing I have seen in years was Britney coming out and getting all gansta on us when she proudly proclaimed: “I’m Britney Bitch”! Absolutely priceless! The only thing was that it wasn’t meant to be a comedy act which it indisputably became. This was reminiscent of the famous Stonehenge scene from the movie “Spinal Tap”.
WHAT THE FUCK! Are you serious? This is your new American Idol?
This douche-bag holds a guitar hostage every time he performs and actually wins the entire contest. And as completely gay as his opponent Adam Lambert was, he still had more talent in his tiara than Kris Allen had in his entire body.
And who would have ever thought that Adam Lambert was gay? I guess we didn’t see that coming did we? Like we needed a confession in Rolling Stone to figure that one out! What’s next are you going to tell me Freddy Mercury and Elton John are gay too? But despite his sexual orientation the guy could sing his ass off and was screwed out of winning American Idol by acne stricken teenage girls who just found Kris absolutely dreamy. That is the problem with giving retarded teenagers cell phones people…nothing good can come of it.
Yeah she looks smart enough to chew gum and solve complex calculus problems! This is our future people and I’m fucking scared!
It just emphasizes what I have said for many years now and that is that successful record sales and talent cannot be synonymously juxtaposed with one another. That is why I just want to slap douche-bags in the head when engaged in conversation about the talent of particular artists; you will always get fed the idiotic line: “Yeah did he sell as many records as so and so”? The problem with democracy is that the majority can be terribly, terribly wrong and often are. That is how people like Don Carcieri get elected!
American Idol is not a talent contest it is a popularity contest! It is based solely on who teenage girls between the age of six and twelve envision plastered on their ceilings over their beds. It’s how people truly talented people like Jennifer Hudson actually lose on American Idol! Jennifer only came in seventh on American Idol but has since won a Grammy and an Oscar. Have you heard a single note from the winner of that season Fantasia? WHAT THE FUCK?
This bastardization of culture and society, seen chiefly during the 1600’s through 1800’s in France during the reign of the “Bourbon Kings” occurred through many years of intentional inbreeding. Here in the modern day United States the decay of culture and society is far more insidious than inbreeding yet is every bit as intentional. Our demise has occurred through many years of forced absorption of jejune entertainment created by the puerile minds that are responsible for our sources of entertainment. Fortunately for France the Bourbon Kings were not able to continue producing male heirs and eventually died off due to their inbreeding. However; this was not before several semi-retarded kings ruled the country causing severe damage before their reign was over. Unfortunately for us there is no telling how many retarded presidents we have had, but I would venture to guess Bush was definitely one of them.
No matter where I go… be it work, a friend’s house, a party or some remote quiet watering hole in the middle of nowhere…it seems the topic of Coventry Softball will eventually arise. And the story is always the same, people tell me that they have heard really good things about Coventry Softball and have thought about actually coming to Coventry to play on Sunday mornings. They all ask me what Coventry softball is like and why I love it so much. Well it is the only place fucking stupid enough to give me my own team.
The truth of the matter is that Coventry is such a great league, not because it gets better every year, not because the talent level gets better every year, not because it is a USSSA league but because of all the wonderful characters we have in this league. What I love most about Coventry and long after I have gone to the softball retirement home the thing I will always remember and carry with me is all of the great people I have met over the years.
So let’s just examine some of the great and colorful people that make this league what it is.
Jeff Considine may look sweet and innocent but Mertog isn’t buying into his big bag of bullshit. Sweet and innocent….BULLSHIT this fucker is hiding something! I don’t know what it is but Jeff Considine has a dark secret that no one knows about. You can see it in his eyes and this face looks like “The Cat that ate the Canary”.
Jeff is exactly the type of guy that his neighbors will say: “He was really quiet and kept to himself” when the FBI discovers several corpses buried under his house. I’m telling you there is just something about Jeff that makes Mert say: “WHAT THE FUCK”!
Now I’m not saying that Jeff is a cannibalistic serial killer but I do know that he invited me and Stevens over for a cookout and I find myself pondering why he was staring at me and Brian drooling. That prick was sizing us up saying to himself the whole time: “I could fill up my freezer and eat for months with the meat on these two fat fuckers! He reminds me of another guy named Jeff.
WHAT THE FUCK! Mike Demonti is Coventry softball’s resident bad ass? This is the guy who is always talking about cracking heads in the pages of SMACK? This guy is about as ominous as a box of new born kittens.
eing involved in law enforcement I do get information that is not released to the public, but Uncle Mertog is also your resident crack reporter and I feel that it is my civic responsibility to keep all of my good friends here in Coventry safe from the danger that is clearly becoming more prevalent here in our little corner of the world. I have read through several reports lately which indicate that there is a new gang of bikers roaming the streets of Coventry more threatening than groups such as “The Hells Angels” and “The Mongols”. We are not sure exactly what the call themselves yet but I have it from reliable sources that they are extremely dangerous. If you see these people please report it immediately to the Coventry Police.
This is their leader Mikey D a.k.a (Time bomb)
This is their enforcer Big Juice a.k.a (Crumb)
This is a photo of one of their “Hitters” Fiskey a.k.a (I lost my bike again)
He is one of their most dangerous members and if encountered police say you should not make direct eye contact with him.
WHAT THE FUCK? Do you hear someone stepping on a pile of dry leaves or is that the sound of old people bones about to snap?
This is not even funny people…old people should not engage in this kind of behavior, this is not macho this is just plain dangerous.
WHAT THE FUCK? Have you ever seen a bottom lip like that before. The answer is yes, yes you have! If you recall the movie Forest Gump you will also recall that Pvt. Benjamin Buford “Bubba” Blue had a gigantic lip much like the one sported by our own beloved Big Juice.
WHAT THE FUCK? How is this big dumb lug so fast? Look at him and there is no way that you would ever suspect that this amorphous mass can actually fucking fly!
The only logical explanation that I can arrive at is that Ernie Wright is a bit like Forrest Gump, he is just too dumb to realize that a guy his size is not supposed to move that fast. There is science involved here and it though it involves huge scientific and medical jargon which I will refrain from getting into at this point, but suffice it to say that most people are hindered by their own intelligence. Most people whom have the I.Q. of toilet fungus will realize that when they are large in stature that they cannot move fast. Much like small people who lift weights their brain will tell them that they cannot lift 500 pounds. Essentially their brain is telling them that they cannot do it. Ernie doesn’t have that problem there is just nothing getting in his way and he does what he wants to do. If he were a bit smarter his brain would hold him back too!
WHAT THE FUCK? Is this a championship celebration or a funeral for a friend? Wow these guys sure do know how to get down. Party in the morgue.
Actually you can read the boredom on Ernie’s face as he listens to Rob Raymond a.k.a “Snowballs” go on and on about his war experiences while attached to the 101st Calvary during the civil war. “There I was in Gettysburg surrounded by about 100 of them Johnny Reb’s! I had no gun and only 1 bullet and I killed all of them. Yep, them were the days.”
WHAT THE FUCK? In the immortal words of Hunter S. Thompson: “One of God’s own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live and too rare to die.”
One question…who could the father possibly be?
Okay, I’ve always wanted to ask…WHAT THE FUCK is that?
Does Steve Buscemi really think this little patented fake of his is fooling anyone but himself? Hey I loved you as “Crazy Eyes” in “Mr. Deeds” and I thought you were great in “ConAir” and “Armageddon” but that little herky- jerky” thingy that you do looks like your having a fucking seizure…in other words….STOP IT!
Just a suggestion, stick to shit you know like making successful Adam Sandler movies and drop that Special Olympic seizure move it just isn’t working and it scares me. Every time I see you do it I am afraid for you. I can’t help but thinking that you might just snap in half or something it’s just frightening to watch.
WHAT THE FUCK! You can just see the look of disdain on Dutilly’s face as he watches Ernie talk to other guys at the party. “Ernie’s mine now back off bitches.”
Dutilly is a perfect example of what I was talking about earlier when I spoke of the Bourbon Kings. This is the type of thing you would see lurking in the deep dark recesses of the backwoods of Coventry playing a banjo. He is the derivative of moonshine and country music. It should scare you that his family tree has no branches; it’s just a straight trunk.
Just a quick thought about Country Music…it is nothing more than the soundtrack to domestic violence.
Can I get a WHAT THE FUCK from the congregation? Gopher you are undoubtedly one of the nicest guys around but there is no question that you have a dark cloud hanging over your head like the “The Sword of Damocles”.
Gopher has huge ideas but inevitably they are all destined for failure. “Gopher Productions” has officially filed for bankruptcy and thank god for small miracles. There is a line from “Million Dollar Baby” that sums Gopher up to a tee…”Show me a man who is nothing but heart and I’ll show you a man waiting for a beating”.
Good ol’ number 4 “The Sexy Beast” known as Stevens. Though you might not see it in this picture this man is actually one of the baddest men alive when it comes to Wii bowling. It is not so much that he is actually good at the game it is actually displayed more in his celebratory dances after he hits a strike. If you never seen Stevens do the “Horn Dance” you are missing a great show folks.
WHAT THE FUCK! Ryman has been silent. Apparently master Artie has the Ryman on a short leash this year. But how could anyone forget the complete unabashed “Kirby Worship” that this man displayed over the last few years.
Here we see Ian Smith actually listening to Ryman spout off the top ten things that Kirby Murphy has ever said to him!
10. Park it in the shade!
9. Not too much starch in the collars next time.
8. When you are done cutting my lawn I’ll let you throw me some BP…what do you say to that sport.
7. Now go get your fucking shine-box!
6. Here’s my keys my bat-bag is in the trunk.
5. That’s Mr. Murphy to you bitch!
4. If I told you once I told you a million times…two coats of wax!
3. Could you back up a step or two my nuts are suffocating?
2. Why is there a picture of me in your wallet?
1. What’s your name again?
And the final WHAT THE FUCK is this picture. I don’t even need to elaborate just Hodde holding up that shirt is the joke in and of itself.
As my boy Demonti would say: “Hahahahahahahaha” !
And that is why I love Coventry softball so much. It’s the people that make this league what it is and there are a lot of great people here in Coventry who have just been my extreme pleasure to know. Mert loves all of you! It has definitely been my distinct pleasure to have become friends with all of you over the years and I have had a lot of laughs and great times with all of you. When Mert decides to finally hang them up for good it is these things that I will remember most about Coventry. There is just something that cannot be articulated about what it is like to play here in Coventry and though we have our arguments and disagreements from time to time, it is like a big family here in Coventry and as you all know even family feuds from time to time.
Until Next time, as always…
See You Out There!
Mertog Out!
Get Some!
I guess the old adage about good ideas coming from the strangest of places is true. A few Sundays ago at “On the Roch’s” I had a very pleasant chat with my good friend Bob Botelho. It is always very nice to see Bob and I find him a very funny and interesting person to talk to. It just so happens that Bob and I harbor the same odium for one Mr. Bill Reynolds and his hack job writing skills. In fact many of you have approached me and have conveyed similar sentiments: “that you wouldn’t read anything that Bill the Hack has to write but there really is no other option”!
Tired Old Hack Alert!
So as we are discussing the subordinate points of Mr. Reynolds writings, it was mentioned that Bill actually writes his column the night before whilst in the throes of a bowel movement. This would certainly explain a great deal to anyone who has ever read any of the crap that Bill has scribbled. When inspired by shit I guess the only logical outcome would be more shit! Most of us flush our shit but apparently Bill chooses to print his. My advice to Bill would be after taking a satisfying dump and writing his article, instead of printing it he might want to consider wiping his ass with it and then flushing it like the rest of us do with our feces! I have just wasted approximately five minutes of your life talking about shit, which I guess is not really all that much…Bill has been wasting years of peoples life talking shit.
It is in this conversation that Bob mentions that Bill just throws out ten or so random thoughts in bullet format and essentially sees what sticks to the wall. Bob mentions to me that I should consider trying this method and see if I could use this bullet format to throw out some random thoughts here in the Planet. It is true that coming up with a story for the planet with one common theme is really difficult since not too much is happening here in Coventry to write about. It is a pretty boring hood yo!
So I am now actually emulating Bill Reynolds to write the Planet! Like I said inspiration comes from the strangest places! So here is my attempt at the writing styling of Bill Reynolds! Perhaps smashing my skull into my keyboard a few thousand times first may help!
There is truth to the rumor circulating that Ernie Wright is doing steroids and this is supposedly evidenced by the fact that he has hit several home runs this year that have been estimated at well over 400’ in length. Ernie is in fact a steroid freak. I know this because I have actually injected him with several banned substances in the off season. I only mention this now because of the change in his temperament and I fear that big Ern may need an intervention.
Ian Smith may be the greatest outfielder in all of softball ever! I find Ian Smith to be a microcosm of the universe in as much as that everything in Coventry Softball revolves around Ian Smith like the planets revolve around the sun!
Greatness is inspirational! Just being around greatness is contagious and makes those who aspire to become great realize their ambitions and become great themselves. Can it be any mere coincidence that those whom revolve around Ian Smith like the planets revolve around the sun, realize success and see the culmination of their hard work come to fruition? Is it any mere coincidence that the team formerly known as “Botelho’s” realized great success under the crafty helmsmanship of its captain Ian Smith? Is it any coincidence that under the caring, nurturing tutelage of one Ian Smith that Botelho’s went to the championship in 2007 and 2008 winning it all in 2007?
If that were not enough, just take a look at the Hendricken Hawks this year who were led to the High School Baseball Championship under the wing of its Papa Hawk, you guessed it…Ian Smith.
Now I can’t confirm this next item for sure, but rumor has it that one Mr. Ian Smith engaged in a lengthy conversation with number 24, “The Black Mamba” Mr. Kobe Bryant just hours before he went out and led his Los Angeles Lakers to the 2009 NBA championship. Rumor has it that Mr. Smith gave Kobe his insights on winning and this conversation may have been the reason that the Lakers were so successful. Like I said…anyone who comes in contact with Ian becomes an instant winner.
And is it any wonder that Ian Smith can now be mentioned in the same breath as such legends as Phil Jackson?
There is also truth to the rumor that I am starting a new religion which worships Ian Smith and I will be calling this religion “Ianism”. Some of you may be laughing at this notion but I assure you that it is not as nonsensical as some of you may think, ever heard of Scientology? People actually follow a religion based on the science fictional writings of L. Ron Hubbard, why not a religion based around the greatest softball outfielder in history? Get Tom Cruise and John Travolta on the phone. All you need is one or two celebrity nut jobs to buy into it.
Speaking of Tom Cruise…how fucked up is this cat right now? Tom Cruise is more unstable than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube! If there was ever a case where someone needed psychiatric help it is Tom Cruise!
While we are on the subject of celebrity nut jobs it seems to be a prerequisite now that all celebrities must be certifiably fucking nuts. Can someone explain to me what has happened to America’s sweetheart Paula Abdul? She went from sweet and innocent to Amy Winehouse seemingly overnight.
I guess the big news around town right now is they are bringing “Barry’s” back! All I can say is “Thank God”! That is exactly what the world needs right now… another haven for semi-retarded douche-bags to congregate and attempt to dance in their pathetic and sad “Rock em’ Sock em’” robot style to mindless house music that never seems to switch rhythm signatures or beat so not to confuse and throw white non-rhythmic clientele out of their trancelike state of motion.
Thank God they couldn’t let this Rhode Island cultural Mecca die where would all the douche-bags assemble if not for Barry’s? How I missed the retarded gorillas dressed in their tuxedo shirts and bow ties looking to kick the shit out of anything they didn’t understand. How I missed the Barry’s Lounge Lizard looking to hit on any woman that walked in the door or wanting to fight with anyone who looked in their general direction, how I missed that kind of entertainment.
Viva la douche-bags ladies and gentlemen, they are back and they will be swarming Barry’s…ah the good times are back. I guarantee it will be worth the price of admission just to go and watch the douche-bag convention that is sure to occur on Barry’s reunion night and you haven’t seen such a gathering of bad asses since the opening of the musical West Side Story! “Here come the Jets like a bat out of hell someone gets in our way, someone won’t feel so well”!
As tempting as it may be to venture out into the night to see a glimpse of douche-baggery at it’s finest may be, I think I’ll just hang out and watch “Bully Beatdowns”! For those of you who haven’t seen this show it is a must see.
Well that about sums up all the big news for now. Until next time….SEE YOU OUT THERE!
Mert Out!
Get Some!
By now I’m sure all of you know that Uncle Mertog is not a superstitious man nor does he subscribe to all of the end of the world nonsense that people have been speaking of as of late. However; if I were the superstitious type the recent events that have been unfolding would certain look to me as if we were in the midst of enduring some sort of repeat of the biblical plagues! First the Jonas Brothers perform at Texas Stadium on Thanksgiving Day for the halftime show.
Are you fucking kidding me? And now there is talk that these little douche-bags will be playing at the 2009 Super bowl! Tell me Satan’s fingerprints aren’t all over this. Do you even think one of these little wimps has even touched a football in his life? Balls yes…but not footballs.
Then we get hit with the Swine Flu or H1N1 for those of you whom wish to remain politically correct…and now it appears that we are being overrun by a species known as “The North American Douche-bag”. It has become an inescapable fact of life that the douche-bag population in the Coventry/West Warwick area has skyrocketed through the roof and it seems to have scientists whom are studying the problem completely baffled.
As I said scientists are studying the sudden sharp incline in the douche-bag population and have formulated a hypothesis as to what is making the numbers in the douche-bag population rise so quickly in the local area. Thus far what they have arrived at is that the Coventry/West Warwick area acts as a Petri-dish for stupidity and makes it easy for the douche-bag virus to take hold of its victims. Scientists claim it is both the low level of intelligence found in the indigenous population as well as a dismal school system that allows the douche-bag culture to assimilate those it comes in contact with. Demographers claim that a mass migration of Douche-bags coming from New York and New Jersey were the initial cause of a major spike of douche-bags in our area, which explains why so many douche-bags are seen wearing Yankee hats and gear!
It’s all beginning to make sense to you now isn’t it! Once again you won’t find this kind of solid reporting in a Bill Reynolds article.
TIRED OLD HACK ALERT!
Right now many of you are saying: “Okay, so what exactly is a douche-bag and how can I recognize one if I see one or perhaps know one or am one myself?” I’m glad you asked and as always I’m here to help…so here goes. This little photo gives you the basics of the douche-bag look.
While it may be true that a big part of being a douche-bag is the look, a huge part of the douche culture is about the things they do and the way they act. Here is a great little video clip that explains the douche in depth.
(Please note that in the very beginning of this video there was a reference to mother jokes which only goes to confirm what I posted in SMACK about mother jokes, so if you still think mother jokes are funny…you may be a douche…Hinske!)
It appears douche culture has had a huge impact here in Coventry and even the local bars and clubs which used to be safe have been assimilated by the douche culture. This next video clip is how the “North American Douche-bag” behaves in one of his natural habitats…the club!
Thus far what we know about douche-bags is that they are semi-retarded and it is widely believed that a single raindrop could injure the douche-brain reducing the douche to a complete vegetable and that is why they coat their head with extreme amounts of cheap gel to protect themselves from the inevitable. Though there is no medical documentation to support this theory however; it is widely believed that the douche has some form of cerebral palsy or possibly an arthritic condition as evidenced by every single picture ever taken of a douche where his hands and/or fingers are contorted into some sort of sign that the douche deems as cool. It seems to be inherent in the douche DNA that when a camera comes out the douche must throw his hands into devil horns and many times will stick out his tongue.
Or….
And yet again!
It appears that douche-law requires that any photo that a douche posts on MYSPACE or FACEBOOK, must by douche law incorporate one or more of the following douche criteria. The douche must flash some sort of pseudo-gang sign (which they have no idea what it means but makes them look hard) and/or must have a picture of them with some sort of alcoholic beverage to prove that they are in fact partying. And/or the douche must have a picture of him and some skanky girl he hardly knows but looks like someone their friends would find “doable” and they can now make up stories about how they banged her. If they can incorporate all of these at the same time…they will become legends of the FACEBOOK DOUCHE world.
It also doesn’t hurt to snap a photo of your new rims which cost more than the car itself and in combination with the stupid thin tires that go with them serve absolutely no purpose other than to provide a hard ride while tearing up your suspension. The Douche will also put a spoiler on a piece of shit car, but what the hell they look great and are just like the douche himself…serving no visibly discernible purpose in life other than to look good while doing it.
Thus far we have no further information on how to get rid of the douche-bag if you encounter one or how to cure the infection if you yourself are a douche-bag, but stay tuned and we will pass the information on to you as we receive it.
So what is going on here in Coventry lately? I’ll tell you….absolutely fucking nothing. This has got to be the most boring season I have ever witnessed here in Coventry, but I suppose no new is good news.
I have noticed somewhat of a trend happening here in our own little corner of the world of Coventry Softball. Many of our players whom are; slightly chubby, pleasantly plump, happily heavy, cheerily chunky or whatever the term you feel most comfortable with in our politically correct haven of uptight reactionaries, are finding themselves in the gym trying to shed off the unwanted evidence of their most insuppressible fetishes and indulgences. You might say there is a real “Battle of the Bulge” going on right here in Coventry.
Many of us in the off season went from “yeah, he could lose a few pounds” to “damn he got fat” and some us even reached the “Oh my God it’s coming toward us” stage.
In the immortal words of former Major League Baseball pitcher Terry Forster: “A waist is a terrible thing to mind”.
For those of you who don’t know, Terry Forster was a very successful pitcher in the Major Leagues for 16 seasons playing for the White Sox, Pirates, Dodgers, Braves and Angels. Forster led the American league in saves in 1974, won pennants in 1978 and 1981, and won a World Series with the Dodgers in 1981. However; this is not what Terry Forster is best known for, what he is best known for is having been called a “Fat Tub of Goo” by David Letterman. Forster swelled to an incredible 270 pounds, (and while that really isn’t all that large for an ocean mammal it is for a land mammal), while playing for the Atlanta Braves and became a celebrity due to his being a spokesperson for fat people all over the country. Later he would appear as a guest on “Letterman” and actually recorded a song called: “Fat is in”! You just won’t see investigative reporting like this in a Bill Reynolds column kids, it actually requires one be blessed with the ability to Google search. Tired Old Hack Alert!
Me taking cheap shots at Bill Reynolds is becoming a staple of my rants, much like any post by Demonti which by law must contain at least five lines of him doing nothing but hitting the h and a buttons to show everyone that he is laughing…yeah Mike we fucking get it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
There is only so much pizza, beer, hot wings, ring dings and other junk food that you can hide before the truth emerges…YOU ARE A FAT PIG! Now many of us tried for some time to makes excuses for our unsightly appearances and I’m sure you have heard them all from :”When you have a tool like this you need to build a shed over it”, to such nonsense as appears on T-shirts like this.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t mean to be totally dismissive about the practicality of having a little extra weight on our bones and I do recognize that there are times where girth can come in handy.
Yes, it is true that several “fabulous fatties” have been quite successful in professional sports, in fact the list is probably much larger (no pun intended) than any of us really could ever imagine.
How many of you remember this guy, Rich “El Guapo” Garces? Rich played with the Twins, Marlins, Cubs and of course our beloved Red Sox. Though having pretty decent numbers and becoming a premier set up guy for the sox, he was more known for that belly that slapped off his knees when he hurled.
How about one of the all time great hitters in baseball history, Mr. Tony Gwynn? Tony sported a lifetime.338 batting average, compiling 3141 base hits, appeared in 15 all star games, won 7 silver slugger awards, 5 gold gloves, and is in the baseball hall of fame. He is also in the International House of Pancakes Hall of Fame as well. Toward the end of his career Tony just couldn’t say no to those Cheetos. (Sound familiar Ernie?)
Then of course there is this tubby bastard, C.C. Sabathia. You know him, he is the pitching ace that the Red Sox didn’t get. The one the Yankee’s made the richest pitcher in baseball history. They must be paying by the pound! C.C. played for the Brewers, Indians and now the Evil Empire (No Not The PNA…the other Evil Empire Yankees) This guy shuts down hitters like he shuts down all you can eat buffets at Chinese Restaurants all over New York. (You go now big boi you be a here four hour)
Then of course there was the greatest of them all, Babe, which coincidentally was also a movie about a pig! I don’t have to go into any further detail about Babe because if you don’t already know than you will probably drown while looking up in a rain storm
I liken my workout partner Big Ernie Wright to Babe in as much as they both are a little soft around the mid section but can hit the shit out of a baseball. Of course we see Babe shoveling shit into his face much like I see Ernie do every day but when you hit the ball like Ernie or Babe there really isn’t much anyone can say. My personal theory is that Ernie is some sort of atavistic anomaly; he possesses those special genes that were once found in cavemen. He displays many of those same traits that our ancestors possessed millions of years ago and hasn’t quite yet evolved. If one were to chart him on Maslow’s famous pyramid of needs, Ernie would be quite content hanging out on the bottom rung of the evolutionary ladder.
Big Ern’s needs do not go past the physiological and like our caveman forefathers the only desires Ernie has is to, as Ernie puts it in his own words:”Eat, Fuck and hit things with a stick”. That’s not a bad life to live if you ask me!
Well that’s all I have for now and as always….
See You Out There
Mertog Out!
Bill Reynolds is a tired old hack!
I had mulled over several potential titles for this article including “Bill Reynolds is a Big Fat Poopy-Head” and “Bill Reynolds Should be Euthanized”, but eventually came to the conclusion that I should just call it the way I see it, and the way I see it is that Bill Reynolds is a tired old hack.
Bill’s last literary contribution confirmed this incontrovertible fact that was previously an opinion that I have held for some time now. However the shit continues to spring eternal from the tsunami of pedestrian drivel that originates from the cranium of this poor old hack.
Now I had stopped reading anything that Reynolds wrote a long time ago because that would have entailed me ripping my head off my shoulders due to it being a wholly unnecessary appendage to have while reading his material; but, I spotted the title of his article and decided to give him another chance to change my mind. I am now angry at Bill and myself for having wasted two minutes of my life away and feel stupider for having read it.
The article was entitled: “Player gaps in college basketball not so great anymore.” Initially it sounded like it would be a pretty good read but once again it was just Bill being his usual tedious self. Bill went deep into his big bag of bullshit for this article and expended an entire six sentences on the topic before completely abandoning any journalistic competency that he may still retain.
An entire six sentences on what could have been a reasonably interesting article. Essentially what Bill conveyed to his headless readers was that Boston College beat North Carolina at home and then came home and was beaten in their very next game by Harvard on their home court. This somehow equates (for Bill anyway) that the lower level division I basketball programs are bridging the gap between them and the upper echelon schools of this division. That’s what the title implied anyway!
Bill erroneously arrives at the conclusion that the gap is closing due to players whom play for schools on the lower stratum of division I not being intimidated by the big name players since they have played against them in AAU tournaments. This coupled to the facts that the elite players have left for the pros. While there certainly is at least a modicum of truth to some of what Bill is saying the fact is that the gap has not closed and Bill has completely missed the point. I would just like to point out that I have already spent more time on this subject than Bill did.
The truth of the matter is that Boston College (while not yet as good of a basketball program as North Carolina ) is a very good basketball program and has been for some time now. If Bill used his head for something other than a huge meat whistle, he would have researched his article a little more in depth and found out some interesting facts that he could have passed on to his readers. What he could have been able to tell readers in his sophomoric style is the following.
Boston College has as rich a basketball history as just about anyone in the east and they have a .719 winning percentage since 2000. They have had legendary coaches over the years such as; Bob Cousy,(A Celtic Legend) who led the Eagles to the postseason in 5 of his six years as coach including an Elite Eight berth in 1967. Chuck Daly (Detroit Pistons head coach who took the Pistons to the NBA Championship 88-89 and 89-90) Jim O'brien, Tom Davis, Gary Williams, and Al Skinner. Not too many teams can boast a list of coaches of that magnitude. But Bill didn’t mention any of this.
He could have told you that the fact is that the BC Eagles have defeated the defending national champions in the past and that this is nothing new. The fact is that the Eagles defeated the defending national champions three consecutive years; Syracuse in 2004, Uconn in 2005, and North Carolina twice in 2006. So why should Bill be so shocked that Boston College could achieve yet another upset?
Bill could have written on the great achievements of Boston College over the years since entering the Big East (a very successful basketball conference in Division I Basketball) in 1979-80. Such as advancing to the Elite Eight in 1981-82, winning the Big East in 1997 and again in 2001 as well as knocking the Number 1 team in the nation out of the NCCA tournament in 1994. By the way that team was (you guessed it) North Carolina.
While Bill seems to believe that Boston College beating Number 1 North Carolina and then losing to Harvard indicates that the talent gap is somehow closing between the elite basketball schools and the not-so-elite basketball schools, there is a much simpler explanation. Boston College is an elite basketball school not entirely out of North Carolina’s class. The history seems to indicate that Boston College is a very good basketball program that can beat anyone at anytime. The Boston College loss to Harvard only verifies what many experts have always suspected, that good teams can have let downs immediately following a huge game such as the Boston College win over North Carolina. Sometimes you can catch a team who has just come off a huge win over a great team and has overlooked their next opponent.
Nothing that I can find seems to suggest that Harvard is any better than then they have been and that the talent that they have is anywhere near the level that Boston College has, nor can they be considered anywhere near being close to having closed the talent gap between them and other top Division I schools. The truth of the matter is that Boston College wasn’t up for Harvard. Why should they be, they just beat the top team in the country and Harvard…well they’re Harvard.
You won’t be seeing the top basketball prospects in the country applying to Harvard anytime soon. Harvard will always be one of the top academic schools in the country, as will Princeton, Brown and all the other Ivy League colleges, and while they are all Division I colleges, it is still like comparing apples and oranges. Now if you were to say that Harvard would be taking on North Carolina in a rousing match of JEOPARDY, my money certainly would be on Harvard, but we are talking sports and not academics. In addition how many of the top basketball prospects coming out of high school are also top academic prospects. The Ivy League is much more concerned with their reputations for academic excellence than they are about basketball success. Quite simply…it was luck.
What Bill did convey to his readers (in a totally unrelated story) was a four word sentence that simply said: “Good for Rocco Baldelli.”Not even worthy of an exclamation point! Bill “The Hack” attended Brown University and the best he can do in regards to the fact that Rocco is coming to Boston (which is a truly worthy subject matter) is write four words. No wonder the “Blo-Jo” gave the story to another sports writer. Even the shit machine known as the Providence Urinal knows enough not to give a great story to this appalling hack. I suppose I should be thankful that Bill is mercifully pithy at least the duration of pain involved in trying to sift through his mottled thought progression is brief.
Bill prattles on and on passing on his unique insights on the political world by stating that the Governor should have worn a flannel shirt when delivering his speech the other night. Thank you Bill, now go pull your car in the garage and close all the doors.
And then it happens…he does it again, Bill resorts to calling his readers “Bunky”. I don’t think there is anything more infuriating to me than Bill’s excessive overuse of the word”Bunky”. What the fuck is “Bunky” anyway? What does it mean? Where did he get it from and why does he have to use it in every single column he writes? Is Bill trying to be cute here? Shrewdness is not his forte and he should abandon it immediately.
And for that matter, neither is humor. I don’t think I have ever read one single solitary writer who tries to be humorous and fails worse than Bill Reynolds. I think it is well past time that this tired old hack be put to sleep. When a dog becomes so old and sickly he can no longer function at his canine duties, yes it is tough to do but we mercifully put him out of his misery. Well, Bill Reynolds deserves the same mercy we would show an animal and he ought to be put down now, or at the very least forced into retirement. Then again, maybe he deserves to suffer for all the suffering he has put his readers through over the years.
Get Some!
2009 Are you ready? This question begs yet another question in response, and that is: “ready for what”? There are many who subscribe to the belief that the world will end on December 31, 2012 as evidenced by the expiration of the Mayan calendar. So enjoy your last three years of existence people because 2012 is coming in a hurry.
According to these people who have fallen into the deep dark chasms of subjective speculation and have erroneously misinterpreted the expiration of the Mayan calendar as some sort of indicator that the world is headed toward it’s end, the world will meet with a horrible catastrophe of cataclysmic proportions on that date in 2012. Somehow the earth will experience some sort of pole shift, there will be a complete change in the earth and it’s temperatures and there will be a complete cosmic convergence leading to the apocalypse. Oooooh, embrace the horror!
Many of you are like me and will just go about our daily business without giving the prospect of being completely erased from existence a second thought. In the words of the immortal Al Bundy: “I welcome death…I’m married!”
It is this kind of thinking and utter stupidity that will be the main theme of this issue of the Planet. Albert Einstein once said: “Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe!” It is true that while there are certainly limits on human intelligence, stupidity knows no limits!
No, this is not a cheap shot at Mark Yehle! (Well yeah maybe it is)
But getting back on topic here, let’s take the case of one Amy WInehouse, a beautiful young girl teeming with incredible musical talent who threw it all away to get high. In a word stupidity! Let’s just take a moment or two to reflect upon the downward spiral of Amy!
The picture on the right is Amy at the beginning of her career and the picture on the left is her just a year or two later. Now guy’s like Ernie Wright and myself are now contemplating using Amy’s surefire diet plan consisting of crack and booze to lose some weight, but I can assure you the worst is yet to come!
Here we see Amy completely emaciated and blown out of her shorts. Once again our good friend Rob Hodde has been in Amy’s state of mind many times, and thus the question becomes: “How come Hodde isn’t this skinny?”
Now we get to Amy just a few short years later, who has changed her name from Winehouse to Crackhouse, and we can now see that her teeth have begun to fall out and she has become uglier still. Now given the choice at this point between Dutilly and Amy Winehouse you might have to go with Dutilly at this point. Bob is a beautiful son-of-a-bitch in comparison to Amy at this particular time.
And here is the “coop de grace” (blow of mercy or death blow). This is Amy now! Congratulations Amy, you are now the world’s most ugly living human being on the planet….narrowly beating out the former champion, Keith Richards by just a smidgen.
Can you imagine the hideous fucking CHUD that would be the result of these two breeding? The outcome would be far too hideous to even comprehend. However, using OAWMF’s great skill and computer savvy we have been able to create a computer simulation of what the outcome might look like. For those of you who are squeamish this would be the time to look away and scroll past this section. For the rest of you I now bring you the horror that is the cross breeding result of Keith Richards and Amy Winehouse.
In all fairness to Keith Richards at least he has been clean for some years now, although he recently fell out of a coconut tree while on vacation in some tropical paradise. Now my question is: “Why would a 66 year old man climb a coconut tree?” The answer is simple…stupidity. A 66 year old man climbing a coconut tree just resonates with the sound of stupidity. He is Keith fucking Richards, he is a millionaire he could pay just about anyone to climb a coconut tree and get him one if he really needed one that bad. And while he may be a musical genius, the man lacks common sense. In all reality though, Keith can’t get much uglier and it wasn’t like the fall was going to mess up his boyish good looks. In all honesty the man’s face could double as a mule’s ass.
Once again here is Keith Richards now in a recent interview speaking about how he is pissed off again with Mick Jagger for doing solo projects without the Stones!
I know there are some of you out there who are saying: “Hey Mert, drug addiction is a serious disease and it’s not their fault.” To those of you who are saying that my only response can be…Fuck You! It’s good old fashioned stupidity at its finest. I mean at what point did Amy Winehouse look in the mirror and say: “Shit, I think I could use a little intervention here I’m not really looking so good!” The issue isn’t whether or not an addiction exists but why it exists. Why did she even try crack for the first time? Isn’t there enough empirical evidence out there to suggest that doing crack is not exactly the wisest and healthiest thing you can do? All she had to do was just look at Keith Richards and say: “Shit that is one good reason not to try this stuff!” Stupidity!
In fact all things that are bad in this world are somehow linked to stupidity. It’s is not unlike the Kevin Bacon game. For those of you who do not know what the Kevin Bacon game is allow me to edify you. The Kevin Bacon game is a game in which you can take any actor living or dead and by linking them to other actors that they have worked with you can eventually find a link to Kevin Bacon. Why they chose Kevin Bacon is beyond me and I can see the thumbprint of Satan all over this one. How else can you explain Kevin Bacon’s long career? How many Kevin Bacon fans do you know? Still the man continues to work…tell me the dark one doesn’t have Kevin’s soul on contract! Or it could just be stupidity once again, like I said…all bad things are somehow linked to stupidity and Kevin Bacon actually still acting indicates there are a lot of stupid people out there watching the crap that springs from the shit fountain known as Kevin Bacon. Stupidity!
Yet another example of interminable human stupidity are the millions of people who just recently camped out on sidewalks and parking lots at their local Wallmart stores to take part in one of the largest testimonies to human stupidity known as “Black Friday”. This is an event where the brainwashed cattle of society are actually rapt into the myth that they will actually save huge amounts of money by shopping on this one particular day and that the sales will no longer exist a few hours later. This is absolute stupidity people…there is nothing in those stores that won’t have the same price the next day if you shop around. In fact I found out this year that I actually got far better deals on merchandise by sitting my fat lazy ass behind the keyboard and doing some of my shopping on line. One of my moron friends actually went through the Black Friday ordeal to by an XM radio and wound up paying over 100.00 dollars more than I did, simply by shopping around on the web and finding a far better price. I love the guy and he is my friend, despite being stupid. I often have to pull his head down in a rain storm, otherwise he would keep looking up and eventually drown.
What is even more disturbing than millions of moronic people forming an idiot colony in the cold, just to save a few bucks and to talk about what a smart shopper they are (dripping with irony here), is the fact that they would actually trample another human being to death in order to be the first to take advantage on the low prices on Bakugan toys. Which is nothing more than a cheap Japanese plastic piece of shit that sells for incredibly stupid amounts of money. The Bakugan (which in Japanese actually means cheap piece of plastic shit) is nothing more than revenge on the stupid American consumer for World War II.
Instead of that poor man losing his life for some crummy part time job, I would have preferred the government step in and bomb each and every parking lot where all these morons were and eliminate the stupid people in the herd in one fail swoop. It would have been so easy; all the idiots gathered in one spot for you on one day…it doesn’t get any easier than that!
And nowhere is human stupidity more apparent than on the road. The most egregious acts of human stupidity are performed daily on our streets and highways. It is almost as if there is a lobotomizing device behind the wheel of every car in America. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me. I arrive at a light at a four way intersection and I am continuing on straight. The light turns green and some douche-bag cuts into my lane of traffic taking a left hand turn (which is highly illegal) and flips me off. When will the government set up cameras at every intersection to document the stupid people and then instead of giving them a ticket simply go to their house and put these fucking idiots to sleep?
I have been working on a heavily armored vehicle to take out some of the stupid people. No longer will I stop for the idiots because I have enough intelligence to realize that I risk great injury to myself and my vehicle if I don’t let the idiot continue on with his reign of terror on the roads. But something must be done to stop the idiots in this world from taking over and the solution is simple.
I often wonder why God didn’t make stupidity painful. As Thomas Hobbes pointed out, all people seek pleasure and the avoidance of pain. Even the stupid people eventually would become sick of being constantly riddled with pain and would engage their brain from time to time to avoid it.
Pain is a great teacher! I learned through the pain method. My old music teacher would smash my knuckles with a ruler when I played the wrong notes and eventually I made damn sure I got them right so not to be struck across the knuckles again. Thus, to avoid pain….I learned. Just as many of you probably learned from catching a softball in the chops a few times that it was far easier to use your glove. That’s the problem with today’s society, we have made stupidity pain free and consequently the stupid have bred and multiplied and to an extent have nearly taken over. The stupid have actually been given leadership positions in our society leaving those who retain some semblance of intelligence shaking our heads as to how this happened.
Thought I was kidding didn’t you but there is the evidence right there…the stupid have arrived and they are in charge now.
Here is a question for you…each and every time that the United States has faced a depression or been in the midst of a recession we have engaged in some type of military conflict thus bolstering our economy and bringing us back to prosperity. So why is it that now that we are in a military struggle in Iraq that our economy is so bad? The answer is quite clear…this stupid bastard!
Need further evidence how stupid people are; they elected this bozo as governor twice!
Now I don’t know how many of you recall the gubernatorial debates between Governor Dummy and Charles Fogarty but it elucidates the boundless stupidity of Rhode Islanders. During the debate Charles Fogarty stated that Rhode Island faced a serious fiscal crisis if something were not done immediately to solve it. Governor Dummy’s reply was: “C’mon Charlie…now you know Rhode Island has always had a surplus in its budget.” Immediately after the election Governor Dummy harped on the fact that we were in a serious fiscal crisis and couldn’t afford to settle contracts with various labor unions and stated: “this problem didn’t happen overnight, it has been coming for over 6 years now.” So either Governor Dummy was lying or he was just plain stupid. I’m willing to bet it was a combination of the two. However; the point is not that Governor Dummy was lying or is stupid but rather that Rhode Islanders are stupid for electing a Dummy or a liar as their Governor. Now we are stuck with a financial mess and an unemployment rate which is one of the highest in the entire country. Maybe stupidity is painful after all!
This type of stupidity has been happening for years now, while the thinkers have been subjugated and relegated to positions that require their silence and obedience in order to survive. The window-lickers have taken over! Americans have adopted an entirely different mentality where the intelligent must dummy themselves down and the stupid must be given equal opportunity. The American mentality is no longer to be the best and strive for something better but to fill important positions, using government subsidized programs and threat legislation, with completely unqualified people. In a word…the stupid. The stupid today are treated like an endangered species.
It is no wonder that the United States which was once the shining example that all industrialized nations followed has become a nation of consumers and not producers! We no longer build anything, we are a service driven country of morons who will no longer buy American products because the quality of American products is substandard in comparison to their foreign counterparts! And Americans will take all of the shit that is force-fed to them ad nauseum by their leaders, provided they still have the remote control in their hand and salty processed foods to shove in their morbidly obese guts. How did this happen…once again stupidity?
This is what we have become people!
And we are told we should feel bad for the stupid, it’s not their fault! Take for example the moron who was driving down the street with their McDonald’s coffee and scalded their leg when they hit a bump in the road. This person actually sued McDonalds and won because they did not know that the coffee would be hot! Now I don’t blame the stupid douche-bag for winning the law suit, I blame the moron of a judge or the morons who sat on the jury and awarded the stupid prick millions of dollars for spilt coffee. The jury should have voted that the douche-bag be put to death if for nothing more than to stop her from breeding more stupid people.
So how does that affect you? Well for one it cost McDonalds more money now to place a stupid warning on their cups to warn the mouth breathers that the coffee could actually burn them and to exercise caution, and do you think that McDonalds will absorb the cost that this entails or do you think that the cost will be transferred over to you the consumer? Once again you guessed right, now fork over the cash to cover stupid’s mistake.
In another classic case of legal stupidity, a man was rewarded for his stupidity when he took a ladder which was too short to reach where he wanted to go, so he placed the ladder on a pile of frozen manure to reach the peak of the house or barn. When the sun came out and softened the pile of shit that the ladder was on, the ladder slipped and the idiot came tumbling down. He of course had no recourse but to sue the ladder company for failing to warn him that the ladder could fall if placed on a pile of thawing horse shit. Once again the judge and jury along with the plaintiff in this case all should have been put to death for utter stupidity. Make no mistake about this, stupidity is a crime and is one that should be punishable by death.
Now many people will tell you that the cure to stupidity is education, I do not subscribe to this thinking. I believe there is a cure for stupidity and it is hot lead at high velocity.
Stupidity can be eradicated completely by systematically wiping the dummies out and ensuring that they cannot breed and create yet another generation of people who will never produce anything in life other than drool. Besides education doesn’t always take and is extremely expensive. My way is extremely cheap and it is guaranteed to eliminate stupidity and the damage it causes as well as eliminating future morons from being hatched.
We need some sort of device that will awaken the smart people of this world to once again reward intelligence and punish stupidity and not vice versa. To get us to return to the simple philosophy that hard work and intelligence should be the criteria for positions of power and authority to help solve the world’s problems and not the fact that some cannot achieve and thus should be given special treatment because they are stupid. We are not all created equal and we are just going to have to accept that. I have accepted the fact that in comparison to Stephen Hawkins I am a mental midget. Why can’t people also accept the fact that their place in the world is performing menial labor? It is an honest living and they won’t get anyone around them hurt with their making stupid decisions.
In some god-forsaken town called Rabbit Hash Kentucky the mutants who lived there actually elected a border collie Lucy Lou as mayor. Isn’t well beyond time that we just dropped a fucking bomb on that town and put them out of their misery? Believe it or not this is not the first time this has happened, in Sunol California they elected a dog named Bosco as mayor back in 1981. It also happened this year as a Golden Retriever named Willie Bean Roscoe P. Coltrane ran for mayor in Fairhope Alabama! In defense of the dog…he was the most qualified to run for the position in Fairhope Alabama as is evidenced by the fact that people would actually nominate a fucking dog to run for office.
Then again…the dog is definitively the smarter of the two in this picture!
And can someone tell me what the hell happened to the Republican Party? Who are the morons running this party? It is as if they have been completely been taken over by lunacy as evidenced by their choice of the vice presidential candidate this year.
While Sarah Palin is certainly a fine looking specimen of woman and I admire her bravado, could the woman be anymore unqualified to be President? (Yes I realize that I said President which is what she would have eventually become had John “Knocking on Death’s Door” McCain won the election) Gosh Golly Gee I’m a soccer mom Joe and I can see Russia from my backyard! Please tell me what the fuck anyone was thinking here! The woman was the snow queen of the Eskimos in Alaska and has had no federal governmental experience. I will at least credit the people of Alaska for electing a human being rather than some variety of house pet to lead. Although Sarah Palin did run against a polar bear in the primaries which were decided in a wrasslin’ match rather than an actual vote.
And John McCain…all I can say is wow!
So now we have a new President and his name is Obama and he already has a certain swagger to him that lets us know that he means business!
President Obama displayed some great political strategy as well as some incredible moves to win the presidency this year.
And although McCain looked good in the beginning…
Some of us figured out that it was nothing more than the same old tired move we have seen for years now!
Sarah Palin also looked good out of the gate……
She simply could not answer a simple question and inevitably just wound up pissing people off.
So with all this blatant stupidity exists maybe I should jump on the idiot train and nominate my dog Rickson (pronounced HICKSON) for Governor of Rhode Island.
Dumb as he is he is just so damn cute and apparently that is all that matters in today’s political world. There is no question he is at least bright enough to realize that McDonald’s coffee will hurt if it is spilt on him! He doesn’t need a warning label on his dog dish to figure shit like that out!
And if for any reason he is not able to fulfill his obligations of the office I have my backup auxiliary dog Royce (pronounced HOYCE) ready at a moment’s notice to step in and make a seamless transition.
Royce usually just hangs around emitting various foul odors while lying under the table waiting for the moment to step in and take over for Rickson as the main pet in the family. It couldn’t be worse than the Governor we have now folks.
I don’t want to start 2009 off on a completely negative note so let’s talk about the upcoming softball season, at least we have that to look forward to. This is the point of Planet Mertog where I have to perform the obligatory simulated fellatio upon young Mr. Ian Smith.
Ian has done an incredible job with this website and is one of the major reasons why this league has become one of the best if not the best Sunday morning league in the state. I am inundated with E-mails from people from outside the league who tell me that if they would love to play in this league but they are not able to do so due to the exemption rule. They all tell me they hear nothing but good things about the league and how it is becoming a competitive league and not just a Sunday morning beer league. This is mainly because of the website and all of Ian’s hard work.
But I have to ask, what the fuck is up with Dutilly, Ernie and Riley and all this man love they have been tossing around the website as of late? “You’re the best….tee hee tee hee” “No you are” “No you are” “You hit the longest shot I ever saw” “No way…you’re shot was longer by far”. Wipe your fucking chins off already you gay bastards!
I guess the PNA has a don’t ask don’t tell policy now! Ryno my old friend, keep your butt cheeks pinched tightly together this season the sisters are coming!
In all honesty though, the three Queens can play some fucking softball though and I am insanely jealous that I couldn’t sign them for On the Roch’s!
And speaking of Smitty, I spoke with him on the phone briefly the other night and he told me that he is coaching and refereeing basketball in the off season. Smitty is still the same hostile young man that he was during the season and apparently he is a bit on edge as of late.
Ryman had a great Christmas and got all the little nerd toy’s he asked for. Apparently he was rewarded for not posting on the forum and Hinske made a small collection of toys just for Ryman.
Rob Raymond, I didn’t forget you either…no Planet would be complete without the gratuitous booby jiggle that keeps Rob Raymond amused.
One more time just for Rob!
Well that’s about it for now folks, I hope everyone had a great holiday season and I hope to see you all very soon. Until then…as always,
See You Out There!
Mertog Out!
