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April 17, 2005 --
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?
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April 16, 2005 --
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
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April 15, 2005 --
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
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April 14, 2005 --
Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts.
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April 6, 2005 --
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me a lot of money.''
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April 5, 2005 --
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
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April 4, 2005 --
Try this trick on your buddy sometime. When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep him from following too close.
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April 3, 2005 --
Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing: a better house!
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April 2, 2005 --
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap?
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March 27, 2005 --
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep.
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March 26, 2005 --
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
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March 25, 2005 --
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
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March 19, 2005 --
If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.
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March 18, 2005 --
I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?" And they'd say, "Yeah." And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time." It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.
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March 14, 2005 --
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
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March 13, 2005 --
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.
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March 12, 2005 --
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!
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September 30, 2004 --
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.
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September 29, 2004 --
The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.
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September 28, 2004 --
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
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September 27, 2004 --
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
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September 21, 2004 --
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
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September 20, 2004 --
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
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September 19, 2004 --
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
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September 18, 2004 --
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.
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September 17, 2004 --
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page that you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
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September 16, 2009 --
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.
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September 15, 2004 --
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
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July 19, 2004 --
I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy."
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July 18, 2004 --
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
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July 17, 2004 --
I think man invented the car by instinct.
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July 16, 2004 --
I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!
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July 15, 2004 --
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I with he. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. "What!? What!?" I would yell back. But he never did speak English.
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July 14, 2004 --
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
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July 13, 2004 --
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
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July 12, 2004 --
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT."
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July 11, 2004 --
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
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July 10, 2004 --
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in their heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then, somehow, I get myself elected president.
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July 9, 2004 --
If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.
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July 8, 2004 --
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
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July 7, 2004 --
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy. Then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I am a coward.
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July 6, 2004 --
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
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July 5, 2004 --
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
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July 4, 2004 --
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
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July 3, 2004 --
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
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July 2, 2004 --
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
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June 30, 2004 --
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rat trap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
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July 1, 2004 --
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
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June 29, 2004 --
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
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June 28, 2004 --
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
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June 27, 2004 --
If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.
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June 26, 2004 --
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
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June 25, 2004 --
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
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June 24, 2004 --
I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer.
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June 23, 2004 --
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
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June 22, 2004 --
One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.
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June 21, 2004 --
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
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June 20, 2004 --
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
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June 19, 2004 --
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!
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June 18, 2004 --
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they are branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's kind of like their little way of letting off stress.
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June 17, 2004 --
QUIZ: If I am my brother's brother, who am I? (Answer: me.)
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June 16, 2004 --
When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me. But I didn't care because I like Miracle Whip better. So I left.
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June 15, 2004 --
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
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June 14, 2004 --
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.
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June 13, 2004 --
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
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June 12, 2004 --
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
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June 11, 2004 --
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."
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June 10, 2004 --
The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor - through some kind of space warp or something. "Go, Bob, Go!" yelled one of the generals. "Give me that!" said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. "Listen, Bob," he said. "You've got to steer that meteor away from Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a big, huge steering wheel sticking out of the meteor.
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June 9, 2004 --
If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
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June 8, 2004 --
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say? That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it and honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?
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June 7, 2004 --
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
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June 6, 2004 --
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English."
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June 5, 2004 --
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!"
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June 4, 2004 --
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
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June 3, 2004 --
Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it.
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June 2, 2004 --
I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He sees two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography.
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June 1, 2004 --
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels into the ground, and live there. But don't ever call us "ants", because we hate that.
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May 31, 2004 --
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
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May 30, 2004 --
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
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May 29, 2004 --
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
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May 28, 2004 --
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage. They're just not ready.
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May 27, 2004 --
I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, later that night, they burned the wheel.
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May 26, 2003 --
I'll always remember how we were all horrified to see grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle Lou. "Don't move!" screamed Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn't listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what happened after that.
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May 25, 2004 --
I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd, Todd Blankenship." Oh, I also wish my last name was Blankenship.
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May 24, 2004 --
If you're an ant walking across the top of a bowl of pudding, you probably would have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.
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May 18, 2004 --
I remember how, in college, I got this part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.
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May 17, 2004 --
Is there anything more beautiful than the beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak and a beautiful painting with his feet? And also, wait a minute, I'm wasted.
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May 16, 2004 --
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
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May 15, 2004 --
If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they start drilling, he'd probably go nuts and eat everyone. That zany Alien!
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May 14, 2004 --
If a kids asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
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May 13, 2004 --
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
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May 12, 2004 --
Folks still remember the day when Ol' Bob Riley came bouncing down the dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept on bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.
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May 11, 2004 --
I bet that during the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
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May 10, 2004 --
Despair is like a cable buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but the cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come up to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable.
Then you just walk up to them with the pulled-up cable in your hands and go, "Hey, have you seen Fred?" And they'll say, "Fred, who?" And then you'll say "Fred of snakes?"
Then cover your ears, because big laughs are coming.
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May 9, 2004 --
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
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May 8, 2004 --
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh.....because what is that thing.
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May 7, 2004 --
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a rattlesnake, tell him you're going for help, then go about 10 feet and pretend you got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to get help. At this point, a lot of guys would start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell him it was just a joke.
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May 1, 2004 --
A good way to threaten someone is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby!"
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April 30, 2004 --
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go.... because, man, they're gone.
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April 29, 2004 --
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping is not as similar as you might think.
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April 28, 2004 --
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out the window, his face might burn up.
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April 27, 2004 --
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or the bear. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
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April 26, 2004 --
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
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April 25, 2004 --
I think that there should probably be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense.
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April 24, 2004 --
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in the mirror, because I bet that would really throw you into a panic.
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April 23, 2004 --
If you go parachuting, and your chute fails to open, and your friends are watching you fall, I bet a funny gag would be to pretend like you were swimming.
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April 21, 2004 --
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
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April 22, 2004 --
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted from the sky."
Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain all about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
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April 20, 2003 --
I hope life isn't a big joke.....because I don't get it.
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April 19, 2004 --
Sometimes I look back on that day when I saw that school bus full of kids catch on fire and then drive off into the Grand Canyon, and I wonder if they wish they had seatbelts in that thing.
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March 28, 2005 --
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me.
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