As parents, your job is to love your kids and try to provide the best for them. When
it comes to youth sports, however, too many parents seem to lose all notion of what
is best for their kids. It is a telling sign that virtually every youth sports league in the
country has enacted some measure to curb violence and negative behavior by
parents. Some leagues have even gone so far as to not let parents utter a single
word during the game, calling it Silent Saturdays.

As enticing as it may seem to some league administrators, taking the parents out of
youth sports is not the best solution to the problem. Parents have an important role
to play, and the role that the parent does play can impact a child’s interest and
enthusiasm for sport for years to come. Studies have shown a positive relationship
between parents who are involved with their child’s sporting activities and the child’s
enjoyment of the activity, participation in physical activities and continued
participation in youth sports (1). That is to say the right type of parental
involvement can help a child to have a positive youth sports experience that
motivates him or her to want to continue playing sports.

Sean Cumming and Martha Ewing of the Institute for the Study of Youth Sports say
the role of the parents in youth sports is to provide support for your child, both
emotionally and financially, without becoming over-involved to the point of being
fanatical (1). Providing the proper emotional support can be difficult in an adult
society that emphasizes winning, or the product of the performance, and social
comparisons. It is important to step back and remember that children are not mini-
adults and we cannot have the same expectations for our child that we would have
for a professional athlete. To provide proper emotional support for your child may
mean changing your view of sports and of success and aligning it more with how
children view things. Children play sports for the fun and enjoyment of it all.
Winning [1] is not high on the priority list of reasons children play sports. In fact, one
thing children say [2] they wish they could change about sports is putting less emphasis
on winning (2).

Your kids don’t need you to yell at the ref, harass the coach about playing time, or
yell out instructions to them while they are on the playing field. This will give them a
negative opinion of you, teach them to treat adults with disrespect, and possibly
embarrass them. What they do need from you is your love and support. You can
give this by providing them with positive feedback about their performance and lots
of encouragement. It is important that you do this in a way that is sincere and does
not employ social comparisons. Kids, especially past the age of eight or nine, can tell
when your “positive” comments are just made up to help them feel better about a
bad performance. Turn the focus to their effort and personal improvement (3). It is
so critical for the development of confidence and self-efficacy that you focus not on
the final outcome, but on the improvements your child made or the things your child
did well. Did they play exceptionally hard during the game? Did they complete a skill
or a play that has previously given them difficulty? Redefine success as something
that is process oriented, not product oriented. Michael Clark of the Institute for the
Study of Youth Sports says that, “By placing the emphasis on the athletes and their
effort, winning is redefined in such a way that it comes within the reach of all” (2).
And all any parent really wants is for their child to succeed and be a winner. With this
new definition of success, what have you got to lose?

Here are some pointers to help parents re-focus on helping their children have a
wonderful youth sports experience.

Relax and don’t take yourself so seriously.

Remember, it’s just a game!

		Challenge yourself to redefine what success means. Success can mean being
		ahead in the score column at the end of the game, but success can also mean improving on skills or playing an outstanding game. Look for the little successes your child makes in the game and focus on them more than on the final score. This will help your child to develop a sense of accomplishment and competence.

		Don’t compare your little Johnny to little Bobby who lives next door. Each
		child is equally wonderful in his own unique and special way. Focus on the wonderful qualities in your own child.

		Remember that children all grow and develop at different rates. Two children
		who have the same birth date could be years apart developmentally. When it comes to sports, use your child’s own developmental status to gauge what experiences they are ready for.

		At any time should the two words “scholarship” or “professional” pop into
		your head and your child is younger than high school-aged, immediately replace those words with the words “fun” and “learning.” Then repeat “fun” and “learning” as many times as it takes to get those unrealistic thoughts out of your head. And they are unrealistic. Cumming (1) reported that a mere “one half of one percent of all high school athletes” will make it far enough to call themselves a professional athlete.

		Focus on creating a love of sports and physical activity at a young age. This
		can go a long way to helping your child attain and maintain a healthy active lifestyle as an adult, which is something many of us lack in this country.

Sean Cumming and Martha Ewing of the Institute for the Study of Youth Sports warned against parents becoming over-involved emotionally. This could mean being “excitable” or “fanatical.” They even go as far as to say that the fanatical parent can pose a serious risk to the development of the child (1). Take a moment to reflect on your own behavior during your child’s sporting events. How do you compare?

In contrast to the emotionally over-involved parent is the authoritative parent. Research into different parenting styles has revealed that the authoritative parenting style seems to be the most successful (2). Here are some characteristics of an authoritative sports parent.

Parents, when it comes to the impact you have on your child’s sporting experience, do not underestimate your influence. Children learn from watching others and copying the behavior they see demonstrated. It is most often the parent who is the first person to introduce a child to sports, and parental involvement can affect whether a child enjoys the experience or not (1, 2, 3).

Parental involvement in sports can be looked at as a continuum from not involved at all to over-involved (3). It can range from low to high and from positive to negative. Positive involvement includes supporting your child through ways such as verbal encouragement, your presence at a game, allowing your child to make his/her own decisions about what sport to participate in, and providing financial and other resources that enable his/her participation. Negative involvement refers to directive behavior, and pressure to win or perform up to a parent’s expectations. Recent research has shed light onto the relationship between parental involvement and the type of youth sports experience a child has.

It is not surprising that the research overwhelmingly points to a connection between positive, supportive parental involvement and a child’s level of enjoyment and success in the sport he or she is playing. (1, 2, 3, 4). It has also been suggested that a moderate level of involvement would be the optimum level of parental involvement (1). Hellstedt (1) theorized that over-involved parents may create high levels of pressure, while under-involved parents do not provide enough support to facilitate a child’s desire to participate. But those parents who are moderately involved seem to provide just the right balance not only to facilitate enjoyment, but also to challenge the child to continue to grow and develop his/her skills. On the surface, this theory seems to hold up. Without support, especially financial and emotional, it would be very difficult for a child to be able to participate, and the pressure felt from the parent who is over-involved could easily take out all the enjoyment of playing sports.

However, what appears to be the most significant finding is that it may not actually be what you do that affects your child’s experience. Rather what appears to be important is how your child perceives what you do (2, 3). For example, you might be classified by others as a parent who does not seem very involved, yet if your child perceives your support and feels that your level of involvement is just right, they would be more likely to have an enjoyable experience than another child in the same situation who did not feel like their parent’s level of involvement was optimal.

So how do you know if your level of support and involvement is optimal? Simple - ask your child. Stein et al. (3) recommend that you discuss with your child the ways in which you are involved, and ask your child how he or she wants you to be involved. They also recommend discussing with your child things that you might do involving their sports participation that could be perceived as stressful for your child, and also things that your child enjoys. If your child feels you are a bit over-involved, it may be difficult to hear. The best thing you can do for them in this case is to really take to heart how they feel and reduce your involvement if necessary, no matter how much it hurts.