Abbott and Costello's trademark routine who's on first is presented here in it's entirety.
Bud: You know, strange as it may seem, they give baseball players peculiar names nowadays. On the St Louis team, we have Who's on first, What's on second and I don't know is on third.
Lou: That's what I want to find out, I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St Louis team.
Bud: I'm telling you. Who's on first, what's on second, I don't know is on third!
Lou: You know the fellow's names?
Bud: Yes
Lou: Well then, whose playing first?
Bud: Yes.
Lou: I mean the fellow's name on first base.
Bud: Who.
Lou: The fellow's name on first base for St Louis.
Bud: Who
Lou: The guy on first base
Bud: Who is on first base
Lou: What are you asking me for?
Bud: I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Who is on first!
Lou: I'm asking you, who is on first?
Bud: That's the man's name
Lou: That's whose name?
Bud: Yes
Lou: Well, go ahead and tell me
Bud: Who
Lou: The guy on first
Bud: Who
Lou: The first baseman
Bud: Who is on first
Lou: (Getting worked up) Have you got a first baseman on first?
Bud: Why certainly
Lou: Well, all I am trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base
Bud: Oh, no, no. What is on second base
Lou: I'm not asking you whose on second
Bud: Who's on first
Lou: That's what I'm trying to find out
Bud: Well, don't change the players around
Lou: (shouting): I'm not changin' anybody!
Bud: Take it easy man
Lou: What's the guy's name on first base?
Bud: What's the guy's name on second base
Lou: I'm not asking whose on second
Bud: Whose on first
Lou: I don't know
Bud: He's on third. We're not talking about him
Lou: How could I get on third base?
Bud: You mentioned his name
Lou: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
Bud: No, who's playing first
Lou: Stay offa first will ya??!
Bud:Please, now what is it you'd like to know?
Lou: What is the fellow's name on third base?
Bud: What is the fellow's name on second base
Lou: I'm not asking you whose on second.
Bud: Who's on first
Lou: I don't know
Both together: Third base!
Lou: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Bud: Certainly.
Lou: Who gets the money?
Bud: Every dollar of it
Lou: When you give the guy the money, who gets it?
Bud: Yes. He's entitled to it. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Lou: Whose wife?
Bud: Yes.
Lou: Look, when you give the guy a receipt, how does he sign it?
Bud: Who
Lou: The guy you give the money too
Bud: Who. That's how he signs it
Lou: You got an outfield?
Bud: Certainly
Lou: St Louis has got a good outfield?
Bud: Oh, absolutely
Lou: The left fielder's name?
Bud: Why.
Lou: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask
Bud: Well, I just thought I'd tell you
Lou: Then tell me, who's playing left field?
Bud: Who's playing first
Lou: Stay outta the infield!! I wanna know what's the fellow's name in left field?
Bud: What's on second
Lou: I'm not asking you who's on second
Bud: Who is on first
Lou: I don't know
Together: Third base!
Bud: Now take it easy man!
Lou: And the left fielder's name?
Bud: Why
Lou: Because
Bud: Oh, he's in centre field
Lou: Wait a minute, you gotta pitcher on the team?
Bud: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher
Lou: I don't know. What's the pitcher's name
Bud: Tomorrow
Lou: You don't want to tell me today?
Bud: I'm telling you man
Lou: Then go ahead
Bud: Tomorrow
Lou: What time?
Bud: What time what?
Lou: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Bud: Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is on-
Lou: I'll break your arm is you say whose on first
Bud: Then why did you ask me?
Lou: I want to know what's the pitcher's name!
Bud: What's on second
Lou: I don't know
Together: Third base!
Lou: You got a catcher?
Bud: Sure
Lou: the catcher's name?
Bud: Today
Lou: Today. And tomorrow's pitching.
Bud: Now you've got it
Lou: That's all, St Louis has got a couple of days on the team! that's all.
Bud: Well, I can't help that. What you want me to do?
Lou: I'm a good catcher too you know
Bud: I know that
Lou: I would like to play for St Louis someday
Bud: Well, I might arrange that
Lou: I would like to catch. Now Tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching
Bud: OK
Lou: Tomorrow throws the ball, and the guy gets up and bunts the ball
Bud: yes
Lou: So when he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I want to throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Who?
Bud: Now, that's the first thing you've said right!
Lou: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
Bud: Well, that's all you have to do
Lou: I throw it to first base
Bud: Yes
Lou: Now who's got it?
Bud: Naturally
Lou: Who has it?
Bud: Naturally
Lou: Naturally?
Bud: Naturally.
Lou: I throw the ball to naturally
Bud: No, you throw the ball to Who!
Lou: Naturally
Bud: Naturally
Lou: So I throw the ball to who?
Bud: Naturally
Lou: Same as you! Same as you!
Bud: You throw the ball to who, Who gets it.
Lou: He'd better get it!
Bud: That's it. All right now, don't get excited. Take it easy
Lou (in a right state now): Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.
Bud: Uh-huh.
Lou: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow. Triple play!
Bud: Could be
Lou: Another guy gets up, and it's a long fly-ball to Because. Why? I don't know, he's on third and I don't give a darn
Bud: what was that?
Lou: I said I don't give a darn!
Bud: Oh, that's our short stop!
