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The Very Best of Eat Pies: Issue Three
Continuing our plunge into the depths of the archives, here's the pick of Eat Pies: Issue Three...
Eat PiE:mail
Who’s e:mailed eatpies@sportsmail.com this week? Read on to find out...
Sent by: A lad in year 9
Date: Thursday Nov. 19th, 9.42pm
Subject: I like eating pies I love eat pies the mag. I'm in year 9 and I live in Mawdesley. Guess who!!! HA! HA! HA!
Comments: I love pie eating and I love your mag. I like Mr E's page best. Try to include a bit more humor. Bye! Bye! A lad in year nine njgbknbgjknjkbnbkmfgbnkjbnjknbjkgnb nbjkvnbgjkngjkbnjbnjbnjgbnjkgnbjknthjtynnb
nhjhyngjitrngfjbunhbhjnbhnmjhbn;bogkgirojbitrjh
Sent by: Our number one fan
Date: Thursday Nov. 19th, 9.46pm
Subject: It's me again your no.1 fan
Comments: I'm your number 1 fan gchcvgfdhuvgyuksdgyu
ghvfhjgfyusdgfyug hygffyfghbvfdjbvhjfgvhjygyeegfyg
feryugeryugfyugfruygfyufgygrfb bferhjgfrhjygfhjvjfgu
fhegihfjghuirfhfhfuerfhufhijgifbojERRINGTONbgifb
jiofjhjbbgjkbkglbkojnhkhgjogh
Sent by: Monster Hater
Date: Thursday 26th. Nov, 1.16pm
Subject: I hate hairy monsters
Comments: I hate hairy monsters! :-)
Sent by: Barry Bethell
Date: Monday Nov. 30th, 1.13pm
Subject: Mr E
Comments: I Think that the Mr E page, is the best page in the magazine. I think that his last two pictures of hairy marsy and elf boy A.j are great i hope that in one of the issues he should draw the freakazoid Captain Brad Kirk of the Starship Big Eyes. From your no.1 fan and reader Barry Bethell.
Sent by: Ste McCartridge
Date: Monday Nov. 30th, 1.24pm
Subject: rivals
Comments: I will put your magazine in the rubbish bin when my new mag comes out. You will not know the name of it because this clever scottish lad has changed its name. you may remember my first and brilliant issue KABOOM. So beware from your rival, the lad who loves
Scotland - Ste McCartridge
The Library Lads
Well, we’ve had a couple of very naughty lads in the library recently...haven’t we!!! These e:mails all came at lunchtime on Monday the 7th of December.
*Sent by: Barry B???...
Comments: Good day to the meat pies staff! Especially to A.J Ward. Word of the day blasphomey- by Anthony Errington Lord Esquire(Not for girls)
*Sent by: A hoax e:mailer :-)
Comments: Rest in Peace Eat Pies. Kaboom 2 nears completion. It will rule the world. :.(
*Sent by: Peter Freely - Shakespeare fan
Comments: The quality of Eat Pies is not strained... Peter Freely
*Sent by: Eddy Forshaw
Comments: HVFC HJKEP GHJEOD GHEDSDFHVGL FROM EDDY FORSHAW
*Sent by: Adam Derry
Comments: My name is Adam. I love eating pies. I am fat
*Sent by: Immature Edward
Comments: jmu ,xzhdioe. Adam is fat
*Sent by: Edward again
Comments: Adam isn't really fat. He's just a little chubby
*Sent by: Adam Derry
Comments: Edward Forshaw is fat and has no brian whatsoever (he better not have brian...he’s mr e’s bloke!!!)
More rubbish from this lot next week!!!
Gerbil...the man who talks sense...
- I heard a rumour that the Shack was going to close down, and be replaced with an unofficial moustache growing club. The leader will be Mr. Marsden, Paul's dad!
- Did you know... I’ve played Tomb Raider 3 on the Playstation, and it’s hard - very hard!
Anyway that’s all for this week folks!!! More carrots, please, servant...
WANTED
Suitable female for a computer loving, ginger-haired, glasses wearing, freak-look-a-liking, not having homework diary signed, sort of boff boy from set two.
You must be exactly the same as me, or even completely different - I’m that desperate. My name is Mark Billington.
It’s the EAT PIES EYE!!!
Here are some things that we’ve noticed while wandering around our lovely little school...
“This booklet is dedicated to Paul Marsden, who will soon choke on his own hair. AMEN.”
Anonymous notepad, 9 set 1.
“Bid for Tess... £6,000. Poal £5,000, £1000”
Same notepad, same handwriting, 9 set 1.
“(I suffered from) slow and painful death last night. I was then revived by a cat which had ate a rat which had ate a fly which had been eaten by a spider which was ate by a horse which was ate by the cat I mentioned at the start. Also the ends of my jumper sleeves look gay. ORTHODONTISTS KICK BUTTS. Oh sorry I didn’t mean that because in facts they are all a bunch of prats. A.J is not gay like some people I know. Namely the boy that goes by the name of a tree. Woody. Next of all computer lover Mr E for Energy. And finally... Old Big eyes is back, there big from the day he was born. (To be sung to the tune of old red eyes).
Very strange (edited) sheet of paper in Mr Baron’s tech class.
Editor's Notes: The Post-script
I don't think I'm breaking too many confidences to finally reveal the contributors to the 'Eat Pies Eye'. Baiting of Paul Marsden's hair? Rob Bethell. Tess baiting? Yep, same again. Random criticism of orthodontists? Why, that would be none other than sweet little Richard Sherliker. The reason his note (which was partially 'commissioned' by Eat Pies staff desperate for an amusing contribution) was forced into such censorship is because Richard's original text was littered with libelous and offensive comments, many of which included choice words that would normally require the addition of a few asterixes before most publishers would even consider publishing them. Who would have thought it?
Issue three witnessed Andy Woodward's final "Eat Pie'station" gaming column. It was dropped after it was discovered that all of his game reviews had been ripped off, word for word, from various Playstation magazines. A little bit like one of his year ten English essays, which was awarded 21 out of 20 by Mrs Nelson having been copied from a best-selling children's book that Mrs Nelson particularly admired. You'd think he'd learn his lesson... let's just hope his final year law dissitation doesn't suffer the same fate.
This issue turned out to be one of the most popular sellers - but not for it's literary content. After all the effort we put towards producing a fine read, most people simply gasped in amazement and laughed with child-like glee when they saw our reproduction of the year seven photograph on the front cover. This country...
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