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CLOSE ALL THE FACTORIES DOWN! BILLY JOEL AND THE MILLENNIUM ARE BIG SHOTS IN ALLENTOWN!
From a town known as Oyster Bay Long Island, the Massapequa Millennium rolled into Pennsylvania this weekend and once again left the crowd in a New York State of mind with a second place finish in the Lehigh Valley Tournament, the single most prestigious event in Allentown since the Billy Joel song and the opening of the Super K-Mart out on I-78! Once again the v2.0 showed that by practicing hard and by keeping the faith, sometimes a fantasy of winning can become a reality.
Allentown PA, 105 miles from Massapequa (6.5 hours by car), was the site of the v2.0’s latest soccer conquest and first ever matches against the Massapequa Empresses, a team comprised of uptown girls who ironically also traveled 6.5 hours to play this highly anticipated contest. After circling the lot 11 times and finally finding a spot, it was time for the girls to put on their shoes (if they had them) and roll. In the first match, the v2.0 dominated the field with an impressive performance. Two goals by Meagan “Special” K as well as outstanding defensive play by Liz “Tenacious” D and Shannon “I got it” M and the goaltending of Grace “barefoot” M gave the girls a 2-1 victory in this first (half) game! Don’t ask me why, but the second (half) game didn’t go as well for the v2.0. The ref, a stranger to certain rules, allowed several knockdowns without the standard standing eight counts. The Empresses bullied their way to a 4-1 victory with the lone v2.0 goal coming on a penalty shot by Sarah “Imma” B.
After the post game drama of the earlier matches (authors note: for once, I am an innocent man) the v2.0 were poised for a letdown against the…well, I’m not really sure who they played. Being only human, we were supposed to make some mistakes. In all honesty, the girls stayed in the game thanks to the hard nosed and frenetic play of Bridget “To A” T, Kristin “Auntie” M and Cailey “Anger Management” C. The v2.0 earned a tie in this scoreless affair. The girls’ best scoring chance came on a rocket off the foot of Jamie “Bring on the Flame-y” V, stopped by the opposition’s goalie who upon being requested to take part in steroid testing, quickly and mysteriously vacated the field. Kudos to Coaches Brian “The Dog Whisperer” Meneilly and Mike “Are we there yet?” Brown for keeping the girls focused.
A quiet and uneventful evening (unless you were in the hotel bar) was followed by Sunday morning’s frost and a heated match against the Radnor Widgets, a team known for many things, unfortunately none which I am acquainted. Several of the girls arrived with seconds to spare thanks in part to a matter of trust between Tom C and his GPS unit which took him to the field via scenic Amish country. (Tom did in fact make plans with a number of locals for next year’s Rumspringa) To say we didn’t start the fire would be a gross understatement as Sarah “Africanized” B scored two quick goals to put the v2.0 out in front early. Goals by Gabby “Bacon Slabby” H and Carmella “Burger with cheese please” R, plus the surgically precise play of Cassidy “Yo” G and Emily “Ice” T iced the victory.
As the final match of the day grew near, the girls knew that this was the time to remember that the tournament will not last forever. The girls were only having fun and we all enjoyed the weekend for a change, but it was time to get serious. The final game was underway as the opponents, dressed up in bumble bee-esque attire, took it right to the v2.0. The game remained scoreless for the longest time. Tensions were high as both sides applied pressure. Grace “to be or not to” B did such a great job of stealing the ball and moving out along both sidelines that I felt the need to tell her about it. After asking her dad if he did in fact get scolded by the ref for flag waving too far from the line, Carmella “I want bacon too” R scored what turned out to be the lone goal of the game. The victory insured that the v2.0 were in second place for the weekend and that they would later receive the prestigious 2nd place ashtray, an age old PA tradition surpassed only by Pocono Mountain real estate scams and Amish dwarf tossing. Congratulations again v2.0, stay just the way you are
FINAL SHOTS
It was unanimous that the scariest area thrill ride was not the Vomitizer at Dorney Park, but rather the elevators at the Holiday Inn. Despite a number of complaints (all rooms were identical – deep pile carpet and a couple of paintings from Sears) we were fortunate enough to have a beautiful view of downtown Allentown from our room which included both Hon Hon Wok and the 24 hour check cashing – Breakfast…$5 Parking garage…$8 The View…Priceless
Millennium Take Aim at First Place with Win over Carle Place!
Last Saturday our favorite U-something or other soccer team found their way to the lovely hamlet of Carle Place to open their season against the dreaded Carle Place Jackalopes, the finest soccer club within a one mile radius of Abercrombie and Fitch. While writing this tome, I was perplexed by the obvious and frequently asked question: Who exactly was Carle and why did he have an 'E' at the end of his name? After a comprehensive and quite frankly exhaustive high end search (I checked on Wikipedia) I have determined that the name Carl (as well as its multiple variations) is greatly under-represented in the annals of history. As a matter of fact, the name Carl was originally derived from the old English Ceorl, a medieval nickname for a villain or person of low birth and rude manners. Not such a great coincidence then that I could only find a handful of famous Carls throughout history, most notably Carl Yastrzemski (baseball), Carl Jung (Analytical Psychology) and Karl Marx (Communist/Marx Brother). So, in order to atone for this miscarriage of appellation justice I have attempted the nearly impossible - A tribute to history's greatest Carls!
Opening day can be tough for any team, but when you open your season on the road it is even tougher. The Millennium V2.0 got all they could handle on this hot end of summer Saturday in Carle Place, a sleepy little bedroom community known both for its endless variety of fast food choices as well as its proximity to other towns. After a tremendous effort in the recent Covanta Tournament for the Geographically Challenged, it seemed as if the girls were suffering from a post trophy letdown. Early on, there was a feeling that this afternoon was going to end ugly for the visiting team. While the Jackalopes were moving with the speed and grace of a young pre-steroid Carl Lewis, the Millennium were slow and punchy, not unlike Carl Weathers’ Apollo Creed in Rocky II and III. Responding to the encouragement provided by the sideline faithful, the V2.0 squad finally awoke and came to life. The spirited play of Gabby “Don’t call me Carl” H, Grace “You can call me Carl” M and Cassidy “Do Not Carl” G provided the wake up call that the V2.0 needed. The scoreless tie was broken by Kristin “Mc-Carl-ty” M on a shot that the great poet and author Carl Sandburg would have described as “Abe Lincoln good” if only he were still alive today. Great foot work by skilled ball handlers Cailey “iCarly” C, Bridget “Carl of the Wild” T and Meaghan “Carlito’s Way” K, as well as some great goaltending by Emily “Carl Me” T kept the score tied at the half.
In the second half the V2.0 finally started to play like the well oiled machine we all know and love. Hard nosed play by Grace “Last Carl” B, Jamie “this Carl thing is lame-y” V and Liz “A Christmas Carl” D combined both the gutsy style and gritty determination of a pre-Calvin Klein Karl Lagerfeld. After an unfortunate penalty in the box (and an even more unfortunate joke about prosthetic limbs), the Jackalopes were awarded a penalty kick which they put in just past the reach of goalie Shannon “Carl of Duty” M, who shut them out the rest of the way. With time melting away, the V2.0 rallied to tie the score on a corner kick by Liz “see above” D which caught the Jackalopes off guard and unprepared. The V2.0 kept the pressure on full blast with awesome scoring attempts by Carmella “Monte Carlo” R and Sarah “Charuzu-san” B. After a blimp sighting reminiscent of the great astronomer Carl Sagan, the V2.0 got back to soccer business and reapplied the pressure. Not unlike the Carly Simon song, the anticipation was too much to handle. As the clock ticked down to the final seconds, hard work and team work finally paid dividends that would have made Carl Icahn proud. After a relentless barrage of shots and saves, Jamie (one of my personal friends) V pounced on a rebound Karl Malone style and drove it home for the game winner. Next up for the girls will be the Manhasset Storm, a game that the V2.0 hopes to manage, manipulate and manufacture a win. Go Team!
FINAL SHOTS
Carls that didn’t make the cut: Karl Ehmer (outstanding deli meats), Carl Carlson (The Simpson’s), Carl Reiner (comic/old man), Carl Linnaeus (the Great 18th century Swedish classifier of plants), Carlos Santana (guitar playing guy), Carlos Beltran (beer league softball player) and Carls Jr. (fast food restaurant)
Millennium Version 2.0 Rocket to the top as they Express themselves in tournament victory!!
There was a time when putting parts of things together to make something new was a really bad idea (i.e. Frankenstein, Euro Disney, the Yugo, etc.) I have heard rumors that it is no longer a mistake; it’s actually a good thing! Leftover peanut butter, scraps of chocolate – trash? Nope. It is a peanut butter cup! Half gas engine, half electric motor, all Japanese techno-crap? Heck no, that’s a Hybrid… Part Rottweiler, part Chihuahua…a confused mutt? No, you got yourself a $2,500 Rott-huahua at Shake-a-Paw! So it only makes sense that when you mix one part disenchanted Rockets with one part forgotten Express and a cup and a half of Millennium, you don’t get a mess; you get a super high end cutting edge soccer machine! This weekend, that machine known as the Millennium (the Millenexprockets was my first choice however it may be way too hard on my spell-checker) showed the local soccer world that they were the Massapequa team to beat by taking first place in their division in the Covanta Somewhere-near-but-not-exactly-in East Meadow Tournament.
The exciting weekend of soccer began early Saturday morning with a hard earned tie against the Garden City Centennials Storm, a team known both for its frustratingly long name and for being from Garden City. Fine goaltending from both Grace “Quiet Riot” M and Emily “Mr.” T as well as the stone-wall defensive play of Elizabeth “you can call me Liz” D and Jamie “You better remember my name-y” V kept the game close until Sarah “I didn’t do it” B scored the first Millennium goal of the season to lock up the comeback tie! In the second match of the day the girls faced off against the North Shore Wildcats, a team so accomplished that they represent not just one town but rather the entire North Shore. The Millenexprockets took the lead and never looked back on goals by Gabby “the Baconator” H, Jamie “see above” V, Carmella “Calciatore Ragazzina“ R, Emily “E” T and Kristen “Hammer“ MC. The 5-1 victory was the result of hard work and unselfish play by all, most notably Bridget “Ice” T, Meagan “Large and in Charge” K, Liz “D” D and Cailey “Robo-Smile” C.
In the third and final game of the day, the CSHH Stingrays (the pride of CSHH) were overmatched by the Millenexprockets. Grace “Be all that you can” B virtually shut down the right side of the field while goalie Bridget “Par-“T stopped a penalty shot inside the box that demoralized this unfortunate cluster of cartilaginous dasyatidae. Goals by Gabby, Jamie, Kristen, Emily and Grace M provided the necessary cushion for the 5-1 victory!
The Millenexprockets started where they left off on Sunday with more great soccer. First up was the East Meadow SC Lightning. Confused perhaps by the fact that this East Meadow tournament was being played in Hempstead near the Uniondale border, the East Meadow girls were no match for the Massapequa powerhouse. Goals by Meagan, Sarah, Gabby and Sarah again, along with more great goaltending and insane defensive play (way to go Robo-smile) iced the 4-1 victory and a firm grasp on first place with but one game to go! The final opponent of the tournament was the dreaded Rockville Centre Storm, the third and by far most violent weather based team in the tournament. Despite the torrential downpour of aggressive play by the Storm, as well as the lack of calls against them (can’t be verified but I am pretty sure I heard one Storm player call the Ref “Daddy”), Emily’s goal and the awesome combo of defense and goalkeeping kept the score at 1-1.
The start of the second half saw the Millenexprockets finally showing signs of fatigue. The Storm pulled ahead on a play which I understand is still under review by the FIFA and has been labeled “too aggressive and unsportsmanlike” by the Worldwide Wrestling Federation. Although Massapequa would not come back and win this one, vindication was all theirs at the award ceremony when the Millenexprockets were the recipients of the significantly larger and far more ornate first place plaques. The successful tournament ended with a gathering at the Biltmore Beach Club sponsored by member JoEllen V. This was JoEllen’s third trip to the club this season, lowering her average cost per visit to just under $922. Applications for next season’s membership are still available for all interested parties.Congratulations girls (and coaches) on the first of many impressive victories!
FINAL SHOTS
Goaltending was great all weekend long! Thanks to Grace, Emily, Bridget and Liz for a job well done! Missing from the sidelines was Bill “Mr. Krabbs” V however we were pleased to have Kelly “Big Red” V in his place…Uggs Ashley? Really? Tensions rose briefly until it was determined that an unidentified Wildcat fan actually remarked that Dan was a “Big Flag man” averting a possible ugly scene…Rumors that the Uniondale Fire Department has offered Tom C a job to replace their current fire whistle have yet to be substantiated.
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