2014 CAPTAINS

·        Jon Nichols – he’s a league veteran and an annual first round draft pick, but with no championships to show for it, Jon gets his first shot at captaincy.  Maybe being at the helm will make the difference and he will finally get to the Promised Land.  But with the largest turnover in personnel in league history this year (10 guys from last year are not playing this year), has Jon spent too much time wining and dining doctors trying to get them to buy his overpriced medical devices and not enough time at pick-up games assessing the new talent level?  For example, does he know that Rob Edwards will not be playing this season?  I know what you’re all thinking – did Rob finally get so fat that he can’t play anymore?  Is he stuck in a doorway somewhere?  No, no, but he did get so fat that his ankles said “No mas” and now he needs surgery on one of them.  As a result, Rob has been reduced to Fair Haven’s version of Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty (although, unlike Phil, Rob supports gay marriage).  Yes, that’s right, Rob currently spends his days duck hunting on the Navesink River with guys even older than Joe Reedy.  (No, I’m not kidding.)

·        Marc Raffensperger – in only his second year in the league, the man with the longest last name in league history gets his first chance at being a captain.  In year two of pick-up games for Marc, he certainly hasn’t been shy about shooting the ball.  Apparently he caught a bad case of the Griers.  But has he been too busy shooting and not gaining enough knowledge about league personnel to draft a championship-caliber team?  Does he know that gone from the league are longtime stalwarts Rich Mitola and Tom Biga?  Last year Rich averaged a whopping 0.6 points per game.  He likely decided to hang it up before he ended up with a negative career PPG average.  These days Rich can now be seen around Fair Haven wearing his fur coat from the Rich Stoner Collection.  Quite frankly, it’s no surprise that Tom “Twinkle Toes” Biga has decided to finally hang it up too.  Last season, he was more often seen relaxing on the bench with his legs crossed than on the court launching his trademark high arcing 3-point bricks.  You half expected Tom’s wife to show up with his robe, slippers, and a warm glass of milk for him during the games.  He hadn’t made it inside the 3-point line on either end of the court in 3 years.  Sadly, also gone from our ranks this year is Mike “Don’t Mind Me While I Take Another Shot” Piperno.  It’s not surprising Mike and his gold chain are staying home this year since he became better known for his prowess in sucking down Jim Sharkey’s shrimp cocktail during post-game festivities at the KOC than for his prowess on the court.  While we will miss Mike, the Executive Committee is relieved because his retirement means they can now scrap their plans for buying an oxygen tank for Mike on the sidelines.

·        Colin Rigby – in only his second year, Colin already holds two league distinctions: 1) he’s our league’s all-time sleeper pick (a 5^th round draft choice last year), and 2) he’s only the second player in league history to require hair accessories on the court (with the first being John Cariero, who wears his daughter’s headbands and pulls off his Oliva Newton-John look quite well).  As a first time captain, can Colin craft a championship squad?  Has he been doing his proper due diligence on all of this year’s newcomers? Or has he been spending too much time chit-chatting with Mike Scarano on the sidelines between pick-up games?  Mike and Colin, our two resident middle school principals, are like a couple of school girls themselves chatting it up between pick-up games and discussing such weighty principal topics as how best to clean chalkboards, remove chewed gum from underneath desks, and sharpen No. 2 pencils.

·        Wes Moore – last year put an end to Wes’s string of back-to-back league championships in 2011 and 2012.  Was last year just a bump in the road for our freakishly long-armed friend or is the bloom finally off the rose?  It’s one of the big unanswered questions this year, along with “how fat will Navid be when he finally shows up for his first game?”  Wes had a tough draft day last year.  While he was busy assembling the tallest roster in league history (Rob Edwards, Pete Richardson, AJ Mihalic), he forgot one thing – ball handlers.  Can Wes bounce back with a better draft performance this year?  We shall see.  By the way, since we could not afford another comedian, the entertainment at this year’s draft will be watching Wes tie his shoes without bending over.

·       “Ping Pong” Josh Halpern – this marks Josh’s second consecutive year as a captain. The Executive Committee thought Josh deserved a “do-over” as a captain this year after he made one of the most disastrous draft day decisions in league history by drafting Kevin Barnett and Brian Jaenicke back-to-back with the #6 and #7 overall draft picks.  There hasn’t been a decision that bad since Tobacco Paradise on Front Street in Red Bank decided it made good business sense to also sell Boars Head cold cuts alongside "smoking apparatuses."  Despite a rash of injuries that hampered him in his first couple of years, Josh has been playing much better as of late.  Some may attribute his improved play to the girdle he wears underneath his jersey.  Josh is the only player in the league (that we know of at least) that wears a girdle, although suspicions abound that Joe Reedy wears one too

·        “Officer” Kyle Szatkowski – a newly minted police officer in West Long Branch, Kyle finally traded in his lawn mower and leaf blower for a badge and a gun.  God help us all.  The last police officer we had in the league was Mike Melody, the brother of our esteemed league ambulance chaser Gene Melody, and Mike nearly started a Detroit Pistons-like brawl during a game a few years ago.  Hopefully, our second stint with a police officer in the league ends better.  After garnering 3 championships in 5 years, Kyle has not seen the winner’s circle since 2010.  Can he end the drought?  Is it a mere coincidence that his fall off in play has coincided with his “friend” Steve Rumph leaving the league?  Kyle is no stranger to the captaincy.  In fact, he was once known as a brilliant draft day strategist.  In 2006, much to the astonishment and laughter of everyone in the room, he drafted 55 year old Mike Kranis with his #1 pick and then somehow went on to win the championship.  Yet, fast forward to last year’s draft, when a visibly confused Kyle drafted the second most toxic team in league history.  His team spent most of their time arguing with one another about who would take the next ill advised 28 foot jump shot.  Can he rebound from last year?  Or will the only thing he rebounds be the crazy shots he throws off the backboard to himself?  Only time will tell.