- If you RAM it right...
- you can RAM it all night...
Just like that burning sensation when you pee the Rammers website is back and better than ever.
Same of site with new hot stories.
Looking forward to an active 2016 season. GOOOO RAMMERS!!!
High Winds in the Forecast Again??
Worth Noting: the rammers came in forth at trivia night after the game. they are 0-1 for the season at trivia.
Wuest Stuck in the Rain
Due to a breakdown in group text Chris "Water logged" Wuest was left out in the rain Monday night. Scene below with two stray dogs who also didn't get notified of the cancelation. Coach Jeff apologizes for the mix up. It has to happen once per year. See Mike Murphy 2012.
Monday - There will be blood.
There is only one thing that people are still wondering. Who is going to single-handedly screw up this season’s championship run by having a kid? So far, it’s been Coach Finucane, Greg and Mike that have made the selfish decision to assume ownership of a human. Thanks for letting us down, guys. It seems that a few of us have forgotten that nothing in life is more important than Monday night softball and perhaps we need a wake up call.
That said, before tonight’s game I’ll be castrating all of you with a rusty pair of scissors and hang the carcass from the fence as a sign of your dedication to softball. Maybe then you’ll remember how important Monday night Chili town softball is. Do you really think Osama was killed because of his threat to the world? Nope. He told the Abbotobad town supervisor that he couldn’t play softball anymore.
The Lakers just got swept by the Mavs and the rumors floating around regarding team trust issues. Wrong. Kobe, Gasol and Bynum were distraught because the Rammer closed and now they can’t find a sponsor.
This stuff is serious guys. I wouldn’t be taking time out of my work day to write this if it wasn’t. At least Murph won’t have to worry about putting on his jock in the dugout anymore.
Monday Night Softball Lockout
“It drives me insane, that’s what it does,” said Rammers veteran Chris Wuest, who was told he and a handful of other Rammers couldn’t use the Rammers Tab at Knuckles Tuesday. “I’m trying to eat chicken wings and drink beer, do my job and right now I’m just stuck at home drinking keystones and watching movies with Amanda all day.
“What’s up with that? Let me get back to what I do best.”
That could take a while. The 2011 season, and the business between 7 teams and their many anxious players, is in a holding pattern. With more court fights and appeals expected, the Chili Softball Officials said it needed “a few days to sort this out” and provide some rules for everyone to follow.
In one of the oddest days in Softball history, players showed up at their team headquarters (Knuckles) and most were told that they were welcome to come inside as long as they didn’t participate in any sort of “softball activities.”
Most left in a matter of minutes with more questions than answers about where the $9 hundred business is headed. And there was no consistency—some teams allowed players to work out (Gold Sox) while others turned them away altogether (Rookies/Shaffer).
No rules, not yet. Just uncertainty for fugmon and booger of the Yunkees.
In a question-and-answer memo distributed by the Chili PA and obtained by The Associated Press, free agents (including Matt Franklin) were told they can contact teams and shop their services, putting pressure on the Chili Rec. Department to set up a free agency system that complies with antitrust laws.
The document also told players that teams are responsible for care of any softball-related injury, meaning it’s “safer for players to work out on club property.”
U.S. District Judge Susan Richard Nelson lifted the 45-day lockout late Monday, but that did nothing to clear this up. The Chili Rec. Department asked her to put her order on hold, and she agreed to weigh the request after the players’ response is filed Wednesday
If a deal is not reached by May 1st, the Gates family is threatening to start a bowling league in which all participants will wear softball & Syracuse gear while throwing bullets at pins.
Ash Borer to Blame for Dead Trees in Chilli?
The nature of the damage, which DEC regional forester John Gibbs said includes one small ash tree apparently killed by the borers, suggests the beetles have been on the site for a year or more. The damaged trees are located in Davis Park
Sports reporter Erin Andrews however has proposed another theory. She claims that the trees are being killed by Rich Pozzulo. Several unnamed witnesses have stepped forward to confirm that Rich as seen throwing Softball at trees throughout the park.
Greg McCumber, one the witnesses, went so far as to say Rich was intentionally hitting the trees. "Trees are 75% air, you can't just throw a softball and hit one unless you are aiming for it," said McCumber.
When she first aired the story on ESPN's E:60 on August 8th the response from various environmental organization was quick. Picketers were sent to Rich's house where they have camped out ever since.
Hundreds have showed up including noted tree lovers, Tree Rollins, Lief Garret, Ryan Leaf, Lief Erickson, Charles Oakley, Dion Branch, Branch Ricky, Bob Barker, Stump Merrile, Elmer Fudd, Elmer Dessens, Tiger Woods, James Woods, Elijah Wood, Natalie Wood, Woody Harrelson, Woodrow Wilson, Forrest Whiticker, and Forrest Gump.
"This is the same guy who kicked his parents out of their own house and made them live in a trailer just to annoy his brother by having his kids around all the time," said Branch Rickey, though he has been dead for decades. "If anyone is capable of such a terrible act against trees it's Rich"
Elmer Fudd added, "His behaviow is weckless and he should be impwisoned. this is a cwime against the enviwonment and evewy one on eawth. Wich is a wascal."
State officials would not comment on Andrews' story but rumors of a cover up are already being heard. If true the result would be devastating to area trees.
While individual trees can be protected by chemical insecticides in the case of the ash borer, experts say there is no practical way to halt Pozzulo's assault on the state's white, green, black and blue ashes, which number about 900 million. "His arm is just too good" said said one expert who did not want to be named.
Pozzulo Arrested on Immigartion Charges
Pozzulo was caught in the sting after Gruhn received several reports of an olive skinned landscaper who was only working a few days a week. "sounds like a Mexican to me" said Gruhn. It is still unclear if the initial tips were called in by Chris Wuest's mom.
After being arrested Pozzulo was processed at the jail by Rammers 1st baseman Dave Finucane. Finucane said, "I would do anything he could to try and help my fellow Rammer out but if I could not get that creepy waiter from McGinney's off, then I don't think there is anything I can do here"
Pozzulo is currently being held at the Monroe County jail where his brother Rich is works as a guard. Reporter Erin Andrews, who has been embedded with the Rammers since the start of season overheard the following conversation:
James: "Rich can't you let them know I'm not a Mexican and get me out of here"
Rich: "That is not what any of this documentation says and Officer Gruhn's paperwork is always air tight."
James: "Just get me out here"
Rich: "This is pretty tough to argue with. You were seen landscaping, eating Taco Bell and drinking Swaza Tequila. Plus you look pretty Mexican"
James: "Rich! I'm your brother!, we have the same parents"
Rich: "I know Mom and Dad are not going to be happy about this at all, to find out there son is a Mexican"
James: "there has got to be something you can do here Rich"
Rich:"Please keep your voice down, just think for a minute how this might reflect on me. I've got to work here you know. I can't been seen socializing with Mexicans."
Pozzulo is currently not taking questions but did release this statement: "I'm not a Mexican nor have I ever been a Mexican. That is not even how you spell my last name. Who wrote this article, there are misspellings all over the place. And who writes and article and does not even include a picture"
Pozzulo's availability for the remainder of the Rammer's season is in question due to his incarceration. When reached for comment Manger Jeff Finucane only said "He already gave me the sponsorship money so whatever"
Winters is the last surviving member of the Mountain View Intersection Champs 1945 Softball
Winters began playing softball in 1941. After winning the Mountain View Intersection Softball league in 1945 he has been seen on various softball fields throughout Rochester every day since. However, earlier this summer, Winters was thought to have taken a night off. He was not at the field flaunting his semi-fagtigue jersey. Rumors began to fly. It was speculated, that “The Eternal Jason Winters” had retired from softball. Men and women fled to the streets in terror, the sun turned red, and children cried endlessly. After days of complete anarchy, Michael Dale Murphy declared that the Softball Messiah lived. Winters had been spotted on a softball field in Hilton. It was at this moment, a calming feeling came over the residents of Rochester. A sense of normalcy returned, and sounds of children crying concluded.
Following this horrific incident, Winters reestablished his influence over Rochester Athletics by firing Bill Pucko to make room for Erin Andrews. Winters’ agent has not released a statement regarding any personal relationship with Andrews.
Murph put on the DL for P.I.
Rammers third basemen Bryan Murphy was recently placed on the DL by head Rammers officials. The official reason for this placement has been a bad outbreak of poison ivy. Conflicting reports have swirled around the facts of how and why Bryan obtained the rash. Some Chili residents claimed to see Brian stumbling through the woods on Saturday night. Others claim that Brian was riding his $5 bicycle through the ditches surrounding 490. However, Bryan’s neighbors all agree that he has been a different man lately. It is believed that his wife of a year and a half is on vacation, without him. Bryan is home alone, and in trouble, with poison ivy.
When reached for comment Bryan said the following: “Late Saturday night I was drunk and headed out into the woods. I figured that I have never gone into the woods at 4am before so I was headed for an adventure. I figured that I was prepared and brought some supplies for my journey. However, I didn’t manage to pack any toilet paper, but I didn’t think it would be a problem. As soon as I packed a lip full of $1.99 Timberwolf, nature decided to call, and I decided to relive myself in the woods. Without thinking I grabbed some nearby leaves and wiped myself. I was even able to use the leaves to wipe some of the shrapnel off of my calves and lower legs. I didn’t have a care in the world!
The next day I noticed a deep and irritating itch from inside of my rectum and surrounding areas. I tried to relive myself with simple scratching, but found no salvation. That is when I decided to call my vacationing wife. She confirmed that my rash was probably poison ivy and I had unknowingly spread it all over my body. My entire rear end, genitals, legs, chest, and arms and neck were soon engulfed in a crusty rash – sometimes reaching over two inches in thickness! I will be sure to never leave home without my wife’s guidance again.”
The Rammers leadership is not sure who to lie the blame upon. Rammers officials are currently in a meeting trying to decide if any punishment or legal action should be taken. More to come in the future.
We’ll see how Willie performs tonight now that his true identity has been revealed.
Eleanor Macomber’s Poop Predicts Rammers Victory
Greg Macomber woke up the usual 20 minutes before he had to go across the street to work. He rolled lifelessly out of bed and staggered towards the stairway. All the while, Marty Pants was completing figure eights between his legs with his siren blaring. After the second step, Greg slipped and proceeded to rumble and tumble down past the half way landing and all the way to the not quite shag, but very comfortable carpet. Throughout the entire fall, Greg giggled and laughed. This was not the first time this has happened. After gathering himself, he struts into the kitchen to his preset coffee machine that began brewing 5 minutes before he awoke. He poured himself a nice cup of Joe, fed Marty, and began toward the backyard. Eleanor Macomber had been brewing up a nice cup of Joe herself, and was eager get outside. Greg opened the backdoor and Eleanor darted passed the crippling cement block wall, past the old septic tank, and found the perfect spot to fertilize. In his morning Grog, Greg left the backdoor open which allowed Marty to escape. In an effort to make it to first period gym class on time, Greg chased after Marty. Four steps into the lawn, his toes squished the warm gift Eleanor had given, and he completed a 180 degree fall landing with his chest square onto Eleanor’s gift. When Greg arose to his feet, he looked down at his Rammers shirt, and the poop spelled out “Win 15 – 9”. It was such a beautiful sight, Greg almost began to cry.
Rammersa Staff Infection Secrets
If you’ve only heard it mentioned on TV or the radio, you might wonder what Rammersa staff is. It is actually MRSA, which is a Pitching Staph (bacterial) and lineup infection. MRSA stands for Methicillin-Rammers Stinkylococcus Aureus.
Normally Pitching Staph bacteria can be found on our team and is harmless; unless they enter the lineup through an opening like a cut, scrape, 1-2-3 inning, surgical opening or fielding errors. Bacteria that enter our lineup can cause serious infections that can make us lose games, some like MRSA can even be fatal to careers.
What Does It Look Like
MRSA may first look like a spider bite, ground out to second or a dropped fly ball. It may even resemble a turf burn. Left untreated the MRSA infection rapidly progresses through the entire lineup.
The MRSA infection is spread by high-five contact with someone who has MRSA. You cannot spread the MRSA infection through the air. You can have contaminated surfaces or personal hygiene items that can spread the infection.
You can protect those you love from MRSA by practicing and teaching good softball. It is important to visit the Rammer often; including after exercising or after participating in any kind of sport.
Surfaces like those in the Rammers’ bathroom and weight rooms need to be cleaned after every use. Spitters and uniforms should be washed in hot water after each use.
Do not share personal items like tins, hitting tips, deodorant, towels and clothing.
General guidelines to follow to help prevent the spread of the MRSA softball and skin infection:
- Frequent and proper hitting and fielding
- Cover all open wounds
- Chew tobacco
- Batting Practice
- Wipe down exercise and shared equipment before and after use
- Seek immediate medical attention for any lack of hitting cuts
- Commonly used softball bats should be kicked by the coach on a regular basis
- Cover all wounds until healed
- Learn how to recognize the signs of wound infections
- Educate everyone using the facilities (home, work, school) about how to follow these guidelines
The spread of MRSA infection can occur in any setting where there is a lack of run support, skin-to-skin contact, individuals with poor batting averages, contaminated items (softball bats, players, equipment) and surfaces, and a general lack of bad softball.
These settings described above can be in Chili Center, Davis Park, The Rammer, and Greece Odyssey.
Prevention includes winning one of your first three games, washing hands with soap and water or an alcohol-based hand sanitizer, hitting homeruns, avoid sharing slumps, and visiting the Rammer on a weekly basis.
JEFF FINUCANE IS “OFFICIALLY” BACK!!
TJ Flint, of the Chili Gazette wrote: Jamie Pazulo thinks he is kinda like Jesus.
Many would agree that Jeff will be a first ballot Chili Softball Hall of Fame selection. Charlie Briel will be one of the guest speakers along with special guests; Gabe Marciano, the twins (Isaac and Isaiah), the entire 1996 Spencerport Pony League including Mr. Shockow and the Olds, the Baseball God under Chick Schum Rock, 1989 St. Theodore CYO basketball team, and Cal Ripken Jr. (From Ricky Pratt’s New Year’s Party).
This monumental return will take place just in time to earn bragging rights at Christmas. The Finucanes v. Howells 2010, will go down in history of as one of the most anticipated games in Chili softball history. I know I will be there, and will probably tell my grandchildren about this game. I hope to see you there.
Staff Reporter, YNN Rochester
Erin Andrews Signs 1 Year Contract with YNN
Ed Buttaccio, the YNN Rochester News Director, announced that Erin Andrews will join Casey Bortnick, Sheba Clarke, and Mary McCombs as the newest reporter for YNN. You may recognize Erin Andrews from the hit TV show Dancing with the Stars. She was recently voted out of the competition after a poor execution of the “Just Ram It” dance. The terms of the contract have not been released. However, we do know that Andrews will be reporting from the sidelines of Chili Monday Night Softball.
When asked about the recent addition, Bill Pucko replied “There is no way she is freakin taking my job. I’m Bill F’ing Pucko. I drive a sweet Dodge Stratus and always get a seat at the fanciest restaurants. I’d like to see Erin Andrews get served right away from the guy with the lazy eye at Stevie T’s.”
Mike O’Brian, “The Getaway Guy”, has already been told by Erin to “Get away from me” three times.
Andrews is also in negotiations for a new productions “Dancing at the Bars”. Andrews will be touring Rochester area bars where she will be dancing with area residents. After the recent announcement, sales in Rochester skyrocketed for Boner Protectors.
Rammers in Disarray
The news broke this morning during the teams Tuesday morning press conference at One Rammers Drive: Interim Coach Dave Finucane has resigned, relieving himself of duties as the Rammers “fearless leader”. Dave Finucane was in charge of the Rammers for only 2 games this year. After a very rocky start to the season and dropping both games in classless fashion, Finucane couldn’t take the pressure anymore. Joe Po’s owner/dad was heard leaving the field mumbling “I can’t believe I pay for this…”
Dave Finucane isn’t the only one feeling the heat on the highly hyped Rammers squad. Greg Macomber, gym teacher and junior varsity baseball coach in Greece, has caught negative media attention after getting tossed out of a junior varsity baseball game. Witnesses to the ejection say that Macomber was seen digging holes at home plate, spitting on umpires, punching women and children in the face, and refusing to leave the field until the umpire arm wrestled him. The AD from Greece would not return our calls to comment on this story.
Amid the 2 losses, the Rammers have also been battling injury. Mike Murphy has bravely played 2 games while being paralyzed. TJ Spiller has played with an awful blister from raking his lawn. Jamie Poz has played with a back injury suffered during landscaping activities. We’ll see how long it will take for this team to get healthy.
In other news, Shannon Brinson has won the MSP (Most Selfish Player) award for the 9th year in a row. Brinson again held out at the beginning of the season due to contract disputes. It appears as if everything has been ironed out as Brinson showed up at the Rammer last night for a beer and two chicken wings.
So, what’s next for the Rammers? Well, Jeff Finucane appears to be the leading candidate to resume his role as head coach. Finucane took a brief hiatus and has been tending to his baby mama’ (and his baby). We all know about the rumors that circulated this past off-season regarding the frustration of upper management. Apparently Joe Po’s owner/dad and Jeff have had several private meetings to discuss the future and direction of the team. Rumors flew that Jeff was going to be fired after the Rammers lost in the championship last year. We all thought it was a cover-up scandal when Jeff announced that the birth of his first child would take place on opening day. Then Jeff sent out pictures of the alleged child after birth (we all thought he photo shopped them). As it turns out, he really does have a kid, and she’s already been clocked at 52mph’s from the mound at an astonishing 7 days old. Watch your backs fellas – Lilly could be taking a roster spot soon.
Greg Macomber Banned from Spencerport Carnival
April, 2010 was not a favorable month for Greg Macomber. The month started out well after shooting a 94 with only one golf ball the whole round. However, in mid April, Greg joined the ranks of Tim Clifford and was Ejected from the Ballgame!
Tim Clifford later tweeted “Keep yo chin up pimp, guys like us gotta stick 2gether”.
Following the ejection, Greg was later implicated in false “I got it” allegations. The event took place on Thursday April, 29th when Greg allegedly called “I got it” on a ball that was hit a mile over his head. 30 seconds after the ball landed, Greg “got it”.
As of May 3rd, Henrietta has not issued any suspension for Greg’s actions. However, Mr. Adams, President of the Spencerport Carnival and Gaming Commission, has preemptively Banned Greg form all “I got it” competition. After many years of waiving in his driveway, Mr. Adams will no longer waive to Greg as he drives by and beeps his horn.
"This offer gives me the chance to follow my heart back to music. The money doesn't matter to me. The look in those kids eyes when I am showing them how to blow into that beautiful instrument is payment enough."
The class is already filling up fast as many students are running for the chance to learn from such an advanced professor. Jenny Chow was the first to sign up. "Professor Shevlin has been a mentor of mine since I first picked up the instrument. Every blow I take I think of Professor Shevlin and how happy he would be to see me play."
If you are interested in signing up you can call Seamore Butts at the Hockstein directly at 585-660-8909.
The Rammers have come to terms with Shannon Brinson for the 09 campaign. Terms of the deal have been undisclosed. Myself and Mr. Stein heard that Shannon was interested in coming back. We took the first flight out of Rochester to meet with him and his agent. We are happy to say that he will be roaming the outfield for us soon.
There were also many rumors floating around this off season regard the status of our Cy Young pitcher TJ Flint. We are happy to report that following a scheduled mile run in mid-March TJ made it successfully to the half mile point and proclaimed that he was good to go for softball.
The Rammers will be starting their traditional spring training work outs at Paul Road school in Gates. Dates to be announced soon. Mandatory meeting will be held at the Panorama following each training session to discuss defensive philosophy and signals.
Until next time GO RAMMERS.
Shevlin being held by FBI on 1st degree kidnapping/impersonating charges
The latest update from a source close to the Bills is that Shevlin, an upcoming star on the Qualicoat Advantech Panorama Rammers Chili softball team, has been taken by authorities for allegedly kidnapping and impersonating the Bills starting quarterback and future 2008-09 Superbowl Champion, Trent Edwards. The source close to the Bills even provided detail that Shevlin apparently went to Trent Edwards' home in Buffalo and hog-tied the future pro-bowl quarterback...and sexually assaulted him with a 1994 Clarinet, which was stolen from Leo Bernabi elementary school.
Though we cannot confirm nor deny the reports of sexual assault, Shevlin has always been known as a connoisseur of cock.
What may be even more troubling is the fact that Shevlin has been playing quarterback during the Bills practices' since July 25th without anybody noticing. Reports surfacing from Bills camp state that Shevlin (AKA Trent Edwards) showed up July 24th at St. John Fisher with a very enthusiastic attitude. Shevlin was handing out high-fives like they were touchdowns. James Hardy, who signed late July 24th, received a very healthy high-five from whom he thought was Trent Edwards. Said Hardy, "He gave a nice high-five...it stung really really really fucking bad".
We tried to interview Marshawn Lynch, but he had no fucking clue what was going on. He kept requesting to speak with Kenny Mayne.
The only report found from witnesses that detailed Shevlin being seen in the public (as himself, rocking a wifebeater tanktop, the kind all the young buff kids wear these days) was ironically at the Seneca Park Zoo, in front of the orangutan exhibit. According to Chris Wuest, who will not respond to our phone calls to confirm that he was actually at the zoo during his vacation, Shevlin was extremely focused on taking pictures of the orangutans cocks'. Even worse, Shevlin was apparently with his 10 year old brother.
Stay tuned for updates.
Murph and Shev hit the big time
As a long time fan of the show Murphy jumped at the opportunity to play the “man of steel.” He feels that his role will be more refreshing than difficult. “It’s actually not too much of a stretch for me,” he boasts, “Superman and I share some of the same abilities.” Shevlin agrees, “I forget that he is a normal dude when he puts those red undies on.” Murphy believes that, with additional training, he will be better than the real Superman. “I’ve got a leg up on that clown. Kryptonite doesn’t affect me. I’ve never even seen the stuff.” Murphy may have his own type of kryptonite and t seems as if his former employers know the secret. The new Heroes star has had trouble holding a job in the past as his last stint only lasted a mere six months.
Shevlin is also excited for his new role. “I have been a big fan of Robin for years. He has always lurked in Batman’s shadow, but everyone knows that he is bad ass.” Shevlin has dedicated his life to sculpting his body as an exact replica of the sidekick. “I have a pretty strict training regiment. I train in 50’s – 50 pushups, 50 crunches, 50 squat thrusts, 50 mountain climbers, and 50 lance waxes.” The final exercise has been reported to advance carpal tunnel in Shevlin’s right wrist. Although he boasts that he is left handed in “that department” the speculation continues.
Look for the dynamic duo this fall.
“Lots of drinks, no cups” -- Joe Po
The formerly proud cupboard used to be filled with household goods. It boasted shelves full of Ramen Noodles, Easy Mac, Troyer Farms Chips, WPOP, a variety of souvenir shot glasses, a half full bottle of Mr. Boston, and the aforementioned cups. As of 6:00 pm Monday afternoon, the cupboard was empty. All its goods were strewn about the floor of the apartment and the cups were gone. Some say that the cups might have been angry with Joe Po for not keeping up on their cleanliness. “The cups might have been angry with Joe Po for not keeping up on their cleanliness” said, in unison, by former Chili Heights residents Brandon and Evan Mendola. “They may have packed up their f&@#ing s#@& and bounced” said the brothers, again in unison.
Po returned from his job (painting nuclear explosives) to find his apartment ransacked. “I walked in and could think of nothing but revenge.” Neighbors commented on the redness of Po’s face and the slight likeness to TJ Flint’s receding hair line. “I think that dude’s going to be bald by Christmas” says Jesse Kotlarczyk. “TJ and I have been able to cover it up for years with a Bic.” Weather or not Joe Po is losing his hair, it is certain that he is heated about losing his cups. Po was seen later in the evening purchasing new cups from Wegmans. Jeff Finucane spotted a fuming Po slamming a 200 pack of Solo cups into his shopping cart at around 7:15 pm. Po explained the reasoning for such a rash purchase was that he “has a lot of drinks, but no cups.” Finucane agreed that Po was using sound logic with his purchase.
Team clarinetist and womanizer, Joe Shev, said that he used to see all sorts of cups. “I’ve seen D’s, C’s, B’s, A’s, and the occasional banana boat, however, Po’s cups are a mystery.” If anyone has any information about the whereabouts of Joe Po’s cups, or the name of the masked man, they are asked to call the hotline: 1-800-GOT-CUPS.
Local Garbage Cans Beg for Mercy
Garbage cans are speaking out as the 1 year anniversary of that fateful day, in which Rammer Shannon Brinson hit a ball (with a softball bat) into one unlucky garbage can. The leader of the Garbage Only Association, whom only wants to be referred to as Oscar, states that “the cans are sick and tired of being filled up with things that are not garbage.” Oscar has confirmed complaints from cans that have played host to recyclables, dead animals, grass clippings, human excrement, and containers filled with brown saliva. “These entities are not, and have never been, garbage. As a community, the cans are speaking up to raise awareness about the extra baggage.”
Shannon Brinson could not be reached for comment. However, Rammer outfielder Chris Wuest spoke on his behalf. “Shannon wasn’t even aiming for that canister, it was an honest play gone horribly wrong. Everyone has regrets.” Team clarinetist and womanizer, Joe Shev is on the record saying that he “loves cans.” Teammate Mike Murphy even used to have his own cans. He has since shed them for a more shredded look.
Jesse Kotlarczyk doesn’t see what the big deal is. “I don’t see what the big deal is.” He has seen his share of hard times. During those times he got some of his best clothes, cancer sticks, and meals out of garbage cans. Jesse could not be reached for additional comments because the “Nazi’s are invading Poland” on Call of Duty 4.
To this point, the Chili Recreation Department has ignored all calls made by the Garbage Only Association. The recreation department secretary, Marsha, has been flooded with calls for two weeks from the Association as well as non registered cans. It seems as if someone leaked the direct extension to Marsha’s desk. Rammers coach Jeff Finucane is currently investigating any Rammers who may have thrown their schedule away.
A letter from Phil Collins
I would like to begin by congratulating you on your fine victory on Monday night. The smell of victory is in the air tonight. It was a classy win for a classy bunch of guys. There are a few changes I would make, but I am no softball genius. I would not bat the coach behind Philly, so that he is able to make sure Philly knows how many outs there are in the air tonight. Philly may want to listen to my song “Don’t lose my number” off the No Jacket Required album. I would also reinforce to T.J. that once the team hits three home runs, it’s not advantageous to hit the ball in the air tonight. While I am on the topic of home runs, I would like to address my thoughts as I watched Joe Po’s home run soar over the fence. I was thinking; forget what those rammers put in the water, there must be something in the air tonight. I could talk about the game for hours, but I must get to my next point.
Although I applaud your efforts on the field, I am appalled by your efforts in the bar. You disgraced yourselves and your families with your attempt at my drum solo. Either get together somewhere private and practice, or just stick to the air drums. Garbage! I almost regret releasing the song now. For your information it goes.
Ba-doomp Ba-doomp (pause)
Ba-doomp Ba-doomp (pause)
Ba-doomp Ba-doomp (pause)
Ba-doomp Ba-doomp (pause, and slow it down for the last two)
If a gorilla can do it, so can you… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TApA1fyoSdk&feature=related
A music god
The Future Looks Bright for Joe and James
Joe and James have been unavailable for comment because they are hiding out in best buy until the media frenzy blows over. However, their agent says they will retire their Barbie and Spongebob fishing poles and donate them to the fishing hall of fame.
Squirrel evades pepper spray, 5 people treated in Panorama
Emergency crews were called to the bar at about 10:45 p.m. and washed out the victims’ eyes, said Deputy Fire“hose” Chief Rich Pozzulo of the Rochester Fire Department. Pozzulo personally treated the 5 injured softball players. After the incident Pozzulo was overheard chuckling and saying “those five idiots should have been watching their way.”
Firefighters put fans throughout the Panorama to flush out the pepper-spray-filled air. Chicken wings and sweet potato french fry production was on a standstill for nearly 2 hours. There is no report on how the incident will affect the Rammers current relationship with the Panorama. However, Nicole (the bar’s owner) looked dissatisfied at Finucane’s decision to douse the entire bar with pepper spray. “He should have chosen a different avenue," she stated "I would have double bagged it.”
“When the fire department went in and opened up all of the windows, the squirrel decided to leave,” Pozzulo said. “I guess he figured his work there was done.”
Injury Bug Bites Rammers
Coach Finucane may fill last roster spot with Gabe Marciano
The bond between Gabe and Jeff is stronger than Magnus Ver Magnuson. So look out rammer fans, Gabe Marciano might be starting on the hill against D&D/Cedars.
The rivalry ranks up there with other greats like:
Yankees vs. Red Sox,
Duke vs. North Carolina
Pepsi vs. Coke
Gym Class vs. Home Ec Class
Communism vs. Democracy
Boxers vs. Briefs
Sluts vs. Virgins
Sunny vs. Cloudy
Wet vs. Dry
Bills vs. Dolphins
Soft vs. Hard
Running vs. Sitting
Drinking vs. Smoking
Long vs. Short
Fat vs. Skinny
Stupid vs. Smart
In vs. Out
Gay vs. Straight
Punching vs. Slapping
Sleeping vs. Being awake
Blocking vs. Charging
Debit vs. Credit
Its that serious. Come on out to Diamond 1 at 6 O'Clock to see who will be the victor.
Attention: Joe Po’s fat lip trumps Marsha Brady’s swollen nose
In a side note, Shannon Brinson, upset that he did not receive the attention he should have after a wonderful throw to the plate was heard mumbling Joe Po, Joe Po, Joe Po. He is to believe to have the Jan Brady syndrome.
Please contact the authorities if you have any information.
FLINT AGREES TO TERMS WITH "THE HAIR CLUB FOR MEN"
Flint uses this tough time in his life as motivation. "It has made me a stronger person. I have always known that I had the pure, raw talent to go with my tremendous athletic ability. I always believed that somebody, besides Jesus, would be watching", said Flint.
Somebody was watching - Just so happened to be Duncan Robinson, Chief Marketing Officer at "The Hair Club for Men." Since the last time it ran national television advertising, Hair Club has incorporated a full-fange of solutions to premature hair loss, including state-of-the-art, non-surgical hair replacement. When Flint came in for relief duties during Monday's home opener, he didn't know that Mr. Robinson was there. "I didn't know he was there", said Flint during a post-game interview.
And Flint performed admirably, just as Mr. Robinson expected. "We've been watching Thomas for a long time. We've had our eye on him. We think he can come into our program and be another great success story for the hair club."
Though some consider Flint to be cocky, especially after his comment relating the way he hits the softball and how it directly correlates with the physics of laser beams, Mr. Robinson prefers to refer to Flint as "confident." "Usually when men lose their hair, it has a substantial influence on the psyche. We have found that most men who begin to lose their hair will start to shave their head, chew cherry flavored skoal, have friends named Chris Man and Rob-O, memorize the distribution order of checks and associated SSN's for the economic stimulus package, become overly obsessed with sanding floors, and have an addiction to spending time in the shower for long periods, specifically 20 minutes", said Robinson. Robinson is of the opinion that TJ displays none of the above and this this will translate into an incredible modeling career and success story for the hair club.
Though terms of the contract have not been disclosed, it can be confirmed that Flint has agreed to a lenthy and lucrative contract with the hair club. Duties will include growing hair, modeling his head, chewing cherry skoal, and an appearance on Oprah to discuss how the process has spiritually touched Flint. It is unknown if this will affect the current contract Flint has with Rammers.
Local Scholars debate the origin of the double bag rule
The most recent polls indicate:
47 percent of the population believes it should be referred to as the Rich Pozzulo rule because he lobbied for it to be instituted into Chili softball. It is believe that Rich will try next to have the sport renamed from Softball to Lostball because he hits it so far and loses the ball. The support has not been as overwhelming as it has been for the double bag rule.
29 percent of the population believes the rule originated in Brockport, aka Dirtport. There were many a nights when mass quantities of beer were consumed, and many Brockport residents could hear college kids yelling to their buddies to double bag it. The residents were confused, but after further research we have linked link this statement to other common phases as “Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool”, and “I did what last night?”.
9 Percent of the population has voted that the origin actually was trademarked by Bob Wegman himself. We have discovered some harassment allegations there were Bob Wegman was acquitted of when first founding Wegmans. The allegations stated repetitive verbal lashing about double bagging the groceries.
The final 15 percent of the population was not polled because they lived to far away in Irondequoit. There is no direct route there and we didn’t want to waste the time or gas.
The Morning After Pill (for loses)
It was a gloomy day. I guess its the cumulative affect of the events of the Monday night.
Currently the site is experiencing some issues and can't play sounds, so please take a look at the link.
Sunset Lanes Jersey found!!!
After discovering a Sunset Lanes’ Jersey burred under home plate, Joe Po, also known as Hank Steinbrenner, has been involved in a war of words with the Charles Gates Jr. Charles Gates Jr. is a Sunset Lanes bowling league member, and also one of the biggest fans of the Sunset Lanes softball team. Also known as “Junior”, he allegedly buried the jersey to put a curse on the Rammers. As a result Joe Po has been anything but bashful in his verbal assault against “Junior”. Joe has even extended this verbal abuse to Charles Gates Sr. and Al Gates.
Joe’s Father, George Steinbrenner, supports Joe’s actions.
Terms of the agreement have not been announced. It is believed that Pozzulo will make his premier appearance behind the wheels of steel on Monday night May 5th following the Rammers opening day game. "I am really excited for the opportunity. I have always wants to be up on that stage at the Panorama where other great disc jockeys have once stood like DJ Rick and DJ Steve" "I hope I can just live up to the expectations of the patrons of this great establishment" said Pozzulo.
The Rammers are hoping that the new responsibility does not hurt his performance on the field. "If he kicks on ball because he is thinking about what song to play while the waitress bring out the first batch of wings I am gonna be pissed" said teammate Dave Finucane. TJ Flint "I hope he can play cheese burger in paradise for me because I love cheese burgers"
We can only see what will happen next. Until next time GO RAMMERS.
Big Dave goes solo and leaves Chev to fend for himself.
The world will be watching and holding our breath to see if Joe Shev and put his feeling aside and perform the crap out of the national anthem on opening day. Time will tell, but this reported has never been more on the edge of my seat.
Judge sentences Brinson to 3 years for tax convictions
Brinson’s lawyers had spent much of the day in court offering dozens of letters from family members, friends even fellow Rammers Rich Pozzulo and Dave Finucane attesting to the good character of the "Brockport" star and asking for leniency. They argued he should get only probation because his three convictions were all misdemeanors and the actor had no previous criminal record.
But U.S. District Judge William Terrell Hodges said Brinson exhibited a "history of contempt over a period of time" for U.S. tax laws, and granted prosecutors the three year sentence they requested one year for each of Brinson's convictions of willfully failing to file a tax return.
"In my mind these are serious crimes, albeit misdemeanors," Hodges said.
Brinson apologized while reading from a written statement for his "costly mistakes," but never mentioned the word taxes.
"I am an idealistic, naive, passionate, truth-seeking, spiritually motivated artist, unschooled in the science of law and finance," Brinson said.
Brinson said his wealth and celebrity attracted "wolves and jackals like flies are attracted to meat." He called himself "well-intentioned, but miseducated."
Brinson was the highest-profile criminal tax target in years, and prosecutors called for a heavy sentence to deter others from trying to obstruct the IRS. The government alleged Brinson made at least $13.8 million for the years in question and owed $2.7 million in back taxes.
Brinson was acquitted in February of five additional charges, including felony tax fraud and conspiracy. Brinson's co-defendants, Justin Costanza and Nick Dolluccia, were convicted on both those counts. Costanza, who refused to defend himself in court, was sentenced to 10 years, while Dolluccia received 54 months. Both will serve three years of supervised release. Brinson will serve one year of supervised release.
Brinson and Dolluccia remain free and will be notified when they are to surrender to authorities.
Brinson maintained in a years-long battle with the IRS he did not have to pay taxes, using fringe arguments common to "tax protesters" who say the government has no legal right to collect. The government said Brinson other Rammers to stop paying their own taxes and sought $11 million in 2003 and 2004 taxes he legally paid.
Prosecutors sought to justify the maximum sentence by raising those and other details from the IRS investigation, as well as a tax loss even for years in which Brinson was acquitted of failing to file a return. Such "relevant conduct" is allowed by law for a judge's consideration at sentencing.
There is no report on how this recent conviction will hurt the defending 2001 Lower B Champion Rammers. The Rammers, who are striving for thier 8th straight playoff appearance, will have to do so without the locked up star.
Shevlin earned the great honor by beating out from 5 other applicants. He was once named Bernadi School's male clarinet players of the year and continues to blow the pipes today. This is the first time Shevlin has played in front of a live audiance since the 5th grade ice cream social.
The ceremonial first pitch will be tossed out by the Godfather of Chili Softball. 2008 marks his 8th consequitive century of softball. Joe Pontarelli will be putting on a fireworks extravaganza following the 9:45 game. It is sure to be a great show. The Rammers game time has not been announced yet.
Deal Goes South
Negotiations came to a screeching halt last night as the Rammers tried to work a deal with Joe Shev to join the season ticket holders. This may be a backlash from Joe’s last outing at Ralph Wilson Stadium. To recap the situation: A very inconspicuous Joe Shev, dressed in a bright orange jump suit in an empty section 229 section, was somehow seen standing up and throwing an object at/to a friend 6 rows up. By some power unknown to the rammers, and especially Joe, the security guard didn’t believe his story. Joe was forced to exit the seating section. While baffled and confused Joe found himself by the concession stands only to bump into Greg and Grut. Lightning had struck twice. Two drunk rammers had been thrown out of their seat. Despite the off-season turmoil, the rammers fully expect Joe to continue speed racing around the base paths.
Do you know how to RAM IT!
SKOAL DENIES SPONSORSHIP
Former Rammer Al Dreschler Linked to Black Sox Scandal
It seems that Al's mysterious betrayal of the Rammers was only an echo of his past. After a lowly 2006 season with the Rammers, Dreschler skipped teams. In 2007 he joined Tenel 360 and received his 345 cubic inch, rolling, softball locker bag - a brand new pair of softball pinstriped pants - size 13 molded Mizuno cleats - long-sleeved UnderArmor to show off his massive guns - and the right to only touch first base after hitting a homerun. Al has recently been spotted rolling his bag down Chili Avenue in search of new softball diamonds to conquer. Where Dreschler will turn up this year is a mystery.
Thanks to everybody that showed up to the Rammer's first practice.
The grounds crew was quoated as says "Who are the "bleeping" guys"
Nobody's spot is secure yet, but with the display of his lazer show, it looks as though T.J. will be battling fo the batting crown again this year. Philly is still hangning on to the hope of being a rammer. He didn't eat wings at the rammer and they may weigh heavily on management's decision.
Next practice: Next Thursday? Maybe the creepy guy will fix the machine by then.