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  • Latest News...
  • 5 a side football organised
  • Stunell returns to UK after spell at sea
  • Mitchell & Webb in Preston next week (everybody home!)
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News

Runshaw Snooker League Legends Hit Facebook

February 26, 2012
It's not often that this site gets excited about current affairs without good reason (in fact, it's not often that it ever gets updated at all), but a new craze is sweeping social networking like, well, poker and snooker in those heady college days.

The good people at Runshaw College have kindly taken the decision to launch a facebook page which contains an extensive back catalogue of all the official pictures they've taken over several decades of being the UK's (formerly) number one sixth form college for A Level results.

This means that you can now sit back, relax and gawp in amazement at publicity shots of Paul Marsden in an England shirt, Jay Bethell trying it on with the ladies at a Christmas party, and even some modern day classic shots of Michael Gaskill giving out the prizes at the college's most recent awards night, including a 9:16 video of him giving out every single bloody prize, set to the most awful muzak you'll hear anywhere in Central Lancashire.

The page in question is called Runshaw College Alumni - click here to take a look.

Mawdesley United v Leyland St Mary's - The 10th Anniversary

March 18, 2010
Ten years to the day since their inaugural fixture, Mawdesley United and Leyland St Mary's will do battle again on Wednesday 21st April 2010.

In a match celebrating the good, the bad and the ugly over a decade of Cows v Mary's clashes, legends from both teams will come head-to-head in what will be the first time many of the players have played an 11-a-side fixture on grass in years.

The venue has yet to be confirmed, but it will be an evening fixture, with some sort of pub-based meet-up afterwards to compare comedy own goals, horrendous misses, and shocking fitness levels.

If you want to play, look up the event on Facebook, or give AJ a shout. Anyone who has represented either club with pride - or played against them in some capacity - is welcome to head along and join in the 'spectacle'.

Happy New Year Streak

January 14, 2008

Happy New Year all. I haven't got much to say (surprising, given that this is the first update for 11 months), but you may find the above video of interest. It shows two of St Mary's finest products (Will and Shaun) along with a notable St Anne's alumni (Ian) joining forces with former Preston College classmates John and Paul, streaking along Fox Lane to commemorate the dawn of the new year.

The footage was taken at 11.50pm on December 31st 2007, and what better way to see in the new year than to draw shreaks of fear from terrified drinkers at the Seven Stars and then get chased back up Fox Lane to the scout hut by a Police car..?


Meet up for Mass at LSM

February 12, 2007
It's not often that RSL Online urges its readers to go to Mass, but this opportunity is something a little different.

If you're stuck outside the Leyland area, you might have missed the information that the high school is celebrating its golden anniversary in 2007, but now thanks to the wonder of cyberspace you're going to be brought up to speed.

Part of the celebration includes a commemorative mass in the school sports hall at 6pm on Saturday 24th February, followed by a meet and greet along with traditional Lancashire hot pot!

The religious bit may not be everyone's cup of tea (when was it ever, particularly at school?) but the chance to catch up with the great and good of the school's past should prove to be a good opportunity. I hope to see you all there...

Rachael on the radio

January 10, 2007
Rachael Rearden has gone a long way since leaving high school. Well, geographically it has to be said that she's only gone from Eccleston to Chorley, but I'm speaking metaphorically.

In a rare example of an LSM leaver (and indeed, both a Runshaw and Newman leaver) actually doing something constructive with their life, Rachael has got herself a slot on the newly launched community radio station, Chorley FM, working alongside co-presenter Chris Bryan to showcase Chorley's music talent on 'The Flat Iron Show'.

Today's Chorley Guardian claims the pair "will be digging into the local scenes and playing music ranging from rock and indie to hip hop", and from the evidence I heard this evening the content is certainly varied, and definitely reflects Rachael's more off-beat style. She even managed to do Madame Gray proud in the latter stages of the show by discussing the words for various bedroom items in French - and even successfully translating her own name. Unsurprising though, considering she claimed to have earnt a grade A for her GCSE efforts.

The show will broadcast every Wednesday evening from 8.30pm-10.30pm on the station's 102.8FM frequency (which I haven't managed to pick up anywhere yet) or more conveniently you can listen live at http://www.mesh-internet.co.uk/ChorleyFM/ - it's worth a listen.

England’s triumphant failures heralded

January 8, 2007
As is the custom following an Ashes series, England's cricketers will receive a full public parade after their return from Australia at the end of the Commonwealth Bank triangular tournament.

Plans have been drawn out for a parade on Friday 16th February 2007 – the day after the team's return flight lands in the UK – and is expected to take place in the northern market town of Chorley as London is playing host to a Scissor Sisters tribute concert. It is understood that Chorley was chosen as the ideal venue as the town’s leading team was once also a force to be reckoned with, but, alas, is now similarly crap.

The full itinerary – as exclusively leaked to RSL Online by the font of all cricket knowledge, Jim Kenyon – shows that a fleet of six pink minis has been booked for hire to parade the English heroes, who gallantly lost 5-0 at the hands of an Australian team that was running scared of Ashley Giles as recently as eighteen months ago.

It is understood that the traditional open-topped bus has been ditched in favour of the more cost-effective collection of 1960s Alex Issigonis Minis on the grounds of cost, coupled with the unpredictability of the Lancashire climate. Adam Derry's renowned 'Merv' may head up the parade thanks to its dashing and patriotic roof design, but only if he can take time away from the important business of drinking and 'participating in recreational activities' in his now-native Northumbria.

Commencing at 10am, the tour will begin on Cleveland Street in the pedestrianised area adjacent to the Market Tavern (knowledgeable readers will note the significance of this venue, given that England commenced their tour 'Down Under' with a two-day innings defeat to the Market Taverners XI, losing by 564/3 to 226/9, all of it for four). From there, frenzied crowds of bemused pensioners and local drunks are expected to herald the stars by waving their walking sticks and benefits claim forms, reciting such popular Barmy Army terrace chants as "You can't drive those down here" and "You're shit – aaaaaaahhhhhh", as the route takes in Chapel Street, Market Street and Pall Mall, passing such sites as the town's covered market and the disused McDonalds.

The procession will continue onto Duke Street and Ashby Street, before coming to a halt at approximately 10.10am when Merv gets stuck in a pothole on Chorley Football Club's car park. A civic reception will follow in the games room at Victory Park, and will be commemorated with keynote speeches from tour heroes such as Steve Harmison: "I wouldn't be standing in front of you here now if the coach hadn't told me what to say", Ed Joyce: "My inclusion as 7th choice batsman/drinks carrier was ultimately the difference" and Tom Smith: "Well at least my reputation as a local hero is still intact by virtue of not being picked".

As ever, RSL Online will bring you full coverage of the event as soon as it happens. You may also like to check out the coverage from our sister site and host broadcaster - ChorleyOnline.com.

Adam Derry wins 2006 Runshaw Snooker League title

January 1, 2007
Rank outsider Adam Derry is celebrating a very happy new year after upsetting the odds to land the Runshaw Snooker League title on a low-key final day of the 2006 season.

Derry confidently saw off Steve Ward in the end of season play-off final to become the fourth different competitor in five seasons to lift the Runshaw Maths Challenge trophy - taking advantage of a muted response to the finals day invitations which saw only five competitors taking to the table.

You can watch Adam seal the title here...



The Leyland resident was floundering at the bottom end of the table with just one win from three games heading into the final day of the season, but a mesmeric run of form in the league encounters that settled the jostling for play-off spots saw him accelerate into second spot behind nominal appearance maker Steve Ward, who had recorded a token two wins out of two in 2006.

With five men in the reckoning for the competition's biggest prize, the play-off format was altered from a straight knockout to a Super League-inspired system which placed the advantage into the hands of those finishing highest in the table.

In the qualifying semi final, flu-ridden Steve Ward shook off his illness to beat Derry with relative comfort, but the eventual champion was able to work his way back into the reckoning with a second chance in the final eliminator. His opponent in that contest was Adrian Ward, who had seen off brother Ben in the 3rd v 4th clash. Ben, in turn, had made it to that stage with a victory over Jay Bethell, who was this year's surprise wooden spoonist (though he showed he was there on merit by beginning his play-off clash with three consecutive fouls).

The decision to use a Super League format produced a Super League type result when Derry saw off the middle of the three Wards to ensure that after an entire round of play-off games, it was indeed the top two that made it to the final anyway.

And though the script was written for Steve to win one of the most one-sided play-off matches in the tournament's history - on paper, at least - he had no answer to the newly-found potting quality that Derry has added to his game at university. He now joins Rick Sherliker, Jay Bethell and Adrian Ward (twice) as RSL champions - and who knows who'll prevail next year in what has become a wildly unpredictable competition.

Mawdesley United's Magic Moments

December 16, 2006
The Festive period is often a time to reflect on events past... and this web site is one place in which you can indulge in your required dose of Christmas nostalgia.

Cast your mind back to the winter of 2000/01 - year eleven for those lucky enough to have been in the Leyland St Mary's High School Class of 2001. A sporting phenomena was starting to emerge from the corridors and waterlogged pitches off Royal Avenue - the legacy of which still (just about) survives today.

That phenomenon was Mawdesley United. A chance trawl of the internet brought up our old web site - and with it several great memories. Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the excellent news snippets from that era...

Mawdesley United to make Peacock approach? - 3rd December 2000

EXCLUSIVE By RICK HESKETH
(From www.brfc-supporters.org.uk)

It has been rumoured that Mawdesely United are set to swoop on Rovers to sign out of favour Darren Peacock on a free transfer.
Mawdesley Manager AJ Ward claimed that the club had "some limited finances", but the deal would cost the club nothing in terms of a fee.
The deal now hinges on the current Chairman election at Mawdesley, and whether Peacock would be prepared to play for an apple and a bag of crisps per game.
If Mawdesley do pull off the shock capture of Peacock, it is bound to send a shiver down the spine of the football world.

Sharples AFC offer £2 for Peacock - 4th December 2000

A bidding war has erupted with Sharples AFC of Bolton slapping in a massive £2 offer for Peacock.
"We can match the apple and crisps and throw in a half a shandy," bragged Chairman A Tatlock, "We've already got Fabien Barthez's twin brother in goal"

Sharples AFC's site is at http://www.smethbolton.freeserve.co.uk/

Mawdesley admit defeat in Peacock deal - 4th December 2000

Mawdesley United manager AJ Ward has reluctantly given up the chase for Blackburn defender, Darren Peacock. Ward blames a current lack of funding at the West Lancashire club for the withdrawal of the offer.
"We hope that some day we could match the price being offered by Sharples," he said, "But unfortunately our transfer funds are down at rock bottom until the issue of a new club chairman is resolved. We will endeavour to rekindle our interest in top professional footballers as soon as funding can be found."
It is expected that the funds for the deal would have come from either a new sponsorship deal or a cash input from the new chairman, but a delay in the Mawdesley boardroom has meant that this matter remains undecided.
However, Ward was delighted to announce three top signings;
"In the last week, we have made tremendous progress in the transfer market. Bringing in Rick Hesketh, Richard James and Brad Kirk means that we now have real strength in depth, and hopefully we can build on these signings."

Gibirdi transfer delayed - 8th December 2000

Chris Gibirdi will not be signing for the club until the new year at the earliest.
He currently cannot afford to buy his club shirt.

"E" thinks it's all over - it is now - 13th December 2000

Andrew Woodward today withdrew from the race to become Club Chairman after allegations of bribery were placed before him.
Supporters' Club member, Nick Townsend, broke the news that he was offered cash in exchange for his vote during an internet conversation last night (see below), Tuesday 12th December. The Eccleston-based student faced pressure from players and supporters to step out of the race, and strike threats had been on the cards had he been instated in the role.
He was later quoted as saying to Nick Townsend,
"Hi nick, nice stunt! Well the worst man won, all thanks to you. Hope you feel good!"
Despite a hotly fought contest, Woodward decided to leave gracefully, handing the role of Chairman to Anthony Errington. Paul Marsden will take over as vice-Chairman and may soon be appointed in a specialist role as Head of Youth Development at the club.

Townsend's presidency role - 14th December 2000

Nick Townsend has been handed the position of Senior Vice-President at the club. The role comes just a few hours after he exposed Andrew Woodward's bribary scandal, and was given by Owner, AJ Ward, and Chairman, Anthony Errington, as a thank you for his work.

Nick's new responsibilities include walking and sleeping.

Marsden's "Rix" Role - 15th January 2001

Following a meeting this morning with Manager, Adrian Ward, and Chairman, Anthony Errington; Paul Marsden has been appointed Head Coach of Mawdesley United.

He will take charge for the first time in the forthcoming fixture against Year Nine on January 26th, and his role will involve team selection alongside Adrian Ward, and tactical changes and substitutions during games.

Paul said, "You've got to mention on the web site that I'll be like Graeme Rix!"

The outburst occurred following Paul's bright idea that he'll be like the former Chelsea coach, in that he can make substitutions and is a paedophile.

Woodward set to quit the Cows? - 30th January 2001

Mawdesley utily man Andrew Woodward today hinted at a shock departure from the club.
The 15 year-old announced late this afternoon that he is likely to retire from football, after spending many of the club’s recent matches as a substitute.
The player also announced that he is now too tall to play for the club,
"This sort of thing is ok when you are 6ft," he announced, "but it isn’t once you reach 6ft2. I’m going to leave in order to allow new talent such as Chris Newton to come through."
Woodward is expected to confirm his decision over the coming weeks.

Woodward U-Turn shocks Benson - 31st January 2001

Ecclestonian Andy Woodward today reversed his decision to retire from the club. He told manager Adrian Ward that it was his intention to stay and fight for a place in the Mawdesley starting line-up, following an improved display in a school practice match this morning.
However, striker Nat Benson was eager for Woodward to end his spell at the club.
"His goalscoring days are over," announced the 14-goal star, "He's had a good career."

Mad Marsden's Mawdesley Mare - 9th February 2001

Mawdesley play Bradford in tomorrow's (10th February 2001) FA Cup final at the Millennium Stadium - if Head Coach Paul Marsden is to be believed.

In a bizarre dream last night, Paul had visions of the Cows making it all the way to the "sacred" Welsh venue, although chances are that the sheep lovers will have boycotted a match involving cows, and knowing the reputation cows have, we'd probably get blamed for the state of the pitch.

Paul announced this morning,
"We didn't actually play in the dream, we were just warming up."
"We were playing Bradford, so we knew we were in with a chance."

However, it wasn't all good news for Marsden,
"First, we were in the dressing rooms. Then, I got out onto the pitch, and I realised that I had my school shoes on, so I had to go in and change them. Then a big announcement came on over the tannoy saying 'Welcome to the Millennium Stadium'."

The Mawdesley board may now have to decide Marsden's fate - most likely to be a one match touchline ban.

Hesketh let off the hook - 23rd February 2001

Fattening, long haired, unshaven ball-winner Rick Hesketh was today forgiven for his poor performance against the Calves by departing manager Adrian Ward.
Ward announced "I'm not arsed" before stating that he will take over as coach once Paul Marsden officially becomes boss for the next game.
He continued "I just want to see Hesketh suffer."
However, the news wasn't good for striker Andy Woodward. Manager Paul Marsden has signalled the end of the Ecclestonian's playing career by telling the media that he intends to hand Woodward the role of tea-lady.

The news in full can be seen by taking a look at Mawdesley's old web site. The Geocities version of the site (which won a Golden Web Award for 2001-02 - the club's only major honour) closed in the Spring of 2001 when it was replaced by Rob Bethell's excellent new design. Sadly, internal politics and some Celebrity A-List style bitching meant that the site became little more than an online cat-fight, but some kind of karma came into play when that site's registration expired and it was left to the original Geocities Site Builder monstrocity to maintain Mawdesley's token web presence.

This is the News...

December 15, 2006
Hmm... some of you may find it of interest to take a look at http://www.prestontoday.net/ViewArticle2.aspx?SectionID=4905&ArticleID=1925476 and follow the 'view' icon.

It will bring up one of the most informative news broadcasts you've ever seen, so I recommend you take a look...

Those LSM High School Prize Day Results in full...

December 8, 2006
All you avid readers of the Leyland Guardian (OK, so it's just me then...) will no doubt have seen this week's special feature on the Leyland St Mary's High School Prize Day awards for 2005/06.

In a bold move, the paper opted to publish a picture of a Bethell sibling all over star guest Kev Simm. Thankfully, the Bethell in question wasn't Jay or Rob. Also, in an initiative that would have saved Sir Douglas of Willoughby several hours of effort, the esteemed publication has decided to list all the prize winners in minute detail, though it became evident that there were one or two errors to the list.

As luck would have it, I've been able to get hold of the correct list, so I can bring you the remaining results and corrections in full for your benefit.

Corrections

The prize listed as 'Food Technology: Year 10 - Amy Bethell' omitted to mention Janet Metcalfe's generous sponsorship of the award. The Leyland Guardian would like to apologise for this glaring oversight, and promise that Janet's noble support of the food technology department won't go un-noticed next year.

The winner of the year nine girls' PE prize was also listed as being Jennifer Woodward. We apologise for this mis-print, and appreciate that it is highly unlikely that any member of the Woodward family would ever win a prize for sporting aptitude.

Omissions

Those other all-important results that we forgot to bring you...

School Prizes

Progress Prize: Year 16 - Robert Bethell (for growing up)
100% Attendance Certificate: Steven Annan (Are you sure? Ed.)
Achievement in Modern Foreign Languages: William Pope (for mastering English as a foreign language)
Achievement in Art: Adam Tree's tattooist
The Associated Board of the Royal Schools of Music: Christopher Gibirdi, Grade 1 Solo Concerto, Fail with Distinction
Headteacher's Prize: Andrew Woodward (obviously)
Basic Food Hygiene Certificate: Everyone except Adrian Ward

Special Awards

The Jack Gillett Prize for Outstanding Literature: The entire PPT web site team
The Ch****er Award for outstanding behaviour at Relationships Day: Christopher Gibirdi (Surely another mistake? Ed.)
The Eat Pies Award for Libellous Comments: Adrian Ward
The Myspace Award for Not Changing in Five Years Since Leaving The School: Richard Sherliker
The 888.com Award for Economics: James Bethell

School Sport Achievements

South Ribble Schools Basketball League Champions (Captain: Kevin Foster)

Knights of St Cucumber Trophy for Sport and John Barnes/Kevin Campbell Trophy for Overall House winners (Awarded following inter-university competitions in snooker, pool, pub golf, It Box, fancy dress and pulling): Sheffield Hallam

AJ all over Wikipedia

December 1, 2006
On the first day of Christmas, the internet gave to me...
A bizarre Wikipedia entry!

Check out your favourite Runshaw Snooker League webmaster's amazing claim to fame - listed as one of the entrants to the Lancashire Evening Post's News Idol competition on the almighty Wikipedia (and believe it or not I didn't write it - it somehow just appeared during a google search). Some unusual online activity going on...

Also, check out some of my new side projects, Greater London Online, Greater Manchester Online and Merseyside Online - you know you want to!

Finally, in this sporadic update, it is worth noting that the 5 a side football (or should that be 3 x 7 a side football?) is now a regular feature at All Seasons Leisure Centre in Chorley every Thursday night from 10pm-11pm - though it's not actually a block booking so it's not entirely guaranteed to be on every week. Please send me a text or e-mail to let me know if you're coming each week - it'll save me wasting so much credit all the time! Ta all...

5 a side football

November 9, 2006
Here's some action for you football-deprived people...

Thursday 9th November (tonight) 10-11pm @ All Seasons Leisure Centre, Chorley, £3.50

Tuesday 14th November 9.30-10.30pm @ Clayton Green Leisure Centre, £2.50

5 a side... all welcome... please give me a shout in advance if you're coming so I know how many numbers we've got. Come along and meet your old friends from Astley/Mawdesley/Euxton Mob Neutrals...

Some online tributes

October 15, 2006
The local media was quick to pay tribute to Sean Stewart and John Marsden, with the Lancashire Evening Post and Chorley Guardian both running extensive features following the two funerals. If you've already read the feature below you may recognise part of the Guardian's article...

I couldn't attend Sean's funeral due to work, but by chance I passed his hearse and the church as I was driving there, and it was a great testimony to Sean's popularity that even despite the pouring rain there was a volume of human traffic descending on the church thirty minutes before the service that wasn't too dissimilar to the kind of congestion you see around a football ground on a Saturday afternoon.

In a further saddening twist, Mr Bunce (of maths supply-teaching fame) has died suddenly. He'll be remembered by those of us of a certain age as the one who stepped in for Mrs Matthews during her illness to share teaching duties with Mr Bowman. The staff list (or 'Teachers League' for those who remember it) in my homework diary (or 'Quote Book', as it is better known), described him as "The Tony Parkes of the situation". I don't know much more about him than that, but I remember having quite a bit of fun in those lessons because he allowed us to get on with our usual nonsense without being overly disciplinarian, which always makes for a popular teacher.

On a final, more uplifting note for this sombre situation, you may recognise the wannabe 'News Idol' who's been getting a fair share of coverage on the LEP website...
- Hopefuls Battle To Be News Idol
- Watch The News Idol Auditions
- Five Up For News Idol Honour
- Student Crowned News Idol (not me)

Ben bids farewell, but not goodbye

October 2, 2006
The next time you speak to Ben, he'll probably be muttering away in a broad Scouse accent.

That's because we've packed the little bugger off to Liverpool for university, and told him to stay there (well, at least until Christmas, or maybe some time before then if he needs his washing done or receives an invite to a particularly tempting night out at Squires).

Yes, I know, I was meant to pen Ben's departing note some time ago to reciprocate the tribute he paid to me three years ago, but I've had what can be described as a 'manic' few weeks. Now that I've actually got a few moments to spare, I'll run you through a few of Ben's golden moments in recent years...

28th July 1987: Benjamin Philip Ward is born at Sharoe Green Hospital, Preston

11th May 2006: Benjamin Philip Ward scores at Goodison Park.

I'm sure, as far as Ben's concerned, that the rest is merely a footnote (oh, with the probable exception of meeting Vicky!), as his myspace profile will just about confirm. Ben leaves for pastures new with all our best wishes, and I'm sure he'll have a great three years watching the Blues... erm, I mean studying for a degree in e-business (which, for the final time, has no link to sales of Class A drugs). Good luck la!

Sean Stewart R.I.P.

October 3, 2006
Most of you from the Leyland St Mary's High School Class of 1996-2001 will no doubt have heard by now that Sean Stewart has died following a car crash on Dawber's Lane, Euxton, ten days ago.

For those living afar who haven't already heard, he and his friend John Marsden were killed when the car they were travelling in as passengers flipped onto its side following a collision on Sunday 24th September.

I didn't know Sean all that well at school (hence the lack of a particularly good picture to illustrate this piece) but I know a number of you reading this will have done. My memories of him are of a lad who was always up to mischief - even though it was mostly unintentional - and the superb banter in which he engaged with Mr Gillett in the final years of our Geography GCSE classes could be described as "being worth the admission fee alone", to use a sporting euphemism. Needless to say, Jack tended to have the upper hand, predominantly because he had the power to send Sean from the room, but it was Sean who always scored the final point - mainly because he then spent the remainder of the lesson pulling faces at Jack or gesticulating through the window to leave the rest of us in fits of laughter.

Sean's funeral takes place tomorrow at 1pm at Euxton St Mary's Catholic Church, with his friend John being put to rest at the same venue 24 hours later. The pair will then be buried in the churchyard at Euxton St Mary's.

R.I.P. Sean and John.

Mansea launches football challenge

August 24, 2006
Popular 1980s athlete David Mansea has joined forces with unlikely partners Channel 4 and Chris Gibirdi to launch a unique footballing challenge.

The UK's heptathalon silver medalist in the 1988 Seoul Olympics is a well-known household name following his infamous appearances on 'A Question of Sport', 'Blankety Blank' and 'Celebrity Love Island', and he recently branched into the world of football during an ill-fated spell as manager of Milton Keynes Dons - landing the role despite holding no formal coaching qualifications and lasting just three months in the job as his side slid into the League One relegation zone.

But now he's back in the game, championing an innovative online contest that allows football fans the chance to prove that they're the next big name in managerial circles - The David Mansea Association Challenge.

Mansea is excited at the prospect of pitting enthusiastic amateurs in a head-to-head situation of blood, guts and thunder. He claimed:

"There's so much ill-feeling in the world at the moment, what with the Israel-Lebanon conflict, the threat of global terrorism, and Powergen's awful customer service, but I feel this game is exactly what we all need to escape from reality and really get back to enjoying the thrills and spills of the new football season.

"True, most people sign up for these contests in eager fashion during August and have forgotten about them by the middle of September, but we hope that for two or three weeks we can enjoy some genuinely vicious banter, and in some cases extreme physical violence as a result of Forshaw somehow picking a wonder-team yet again that can't possibly be legal in terms of the £55m treasure-chest you have to spend. Let the bloodshed begin!"

Basically, what this article is trying to say is that you can join one of those Football Fantasy League thingys that Gibirdi's set up, using David Mansea's copyrighted name. Click here to sign up - and enter pin number 2577 to join The David Mansea Association Challenge.

Kaboom flushed down the drain

July 3, 2006
It's official - Kaboom magazine has finally gone down the drain.

Steven McCartney's year nine school magazine narrowly beat Eat Pies onto the LSM High School news stands, but failed to capitalise on the head start as it met its demise after only one issue.

And now it has been exclusively revealed that all the remaining unsold copies have been liquidised in order for Kaboom to finally make itself useful where it belongs - down the toilet.

The ultra-effective cleaning fluid is now available in all top stores such as Morrisons, Asda and Tesco (buy it there now before Derry gets sacked for gross negligence), and is said to be highly efficient at cleaning any stubborn stains in toilets, sinks... and bidets.

Bidet - [Pron: bi·det (bç-dâ')]

n.A fixture similar in design to a toilet that is straddled for bathing the genitals and the posterior parts. Our thanks to answers.com for that valuable piece of advice.

Davidson signs for Shrimpers

Play-off chasers Morecambe FC have signed veteran forward Norman Davidson in a bid to stem their current player crisis.

The Shrimpers have received special permission from FIFA to sign the Scottish striker outside the transfer window after the mysterious disappearance of several fringe squad members in the past week.

Despite being vastly experienced at Conference level, Davidson admitted at today's press conference that he had some trepidation about pulling on his boots once again.

"I didn't really want to sign for Morecambe but half of the reserve and youth team are in Barbados because the police are after them," he claimed.

Today's Other Headlines:
- Dean rejoices as Task Force re-takes Falklands
- "War over Sudetenland is wallop" insists Willoughby
- Celtic pay £4.5m for a Scheidt
- "As an Euxton mob neutral, I honestly couldn't give a fuck who wins...": Chief Sports-writer Kenny Crompton previews the Astley v Mawdesley derby

Astley v Mawdesley celebrations washed out

April 21, 2006
Mawdesley United's sixth anniversary celebrations were something of a damn squib after a torrential hailstorm extinguished any hopes of play in Chorley.

The pitches were in a good state earlier in the day, but the heavens opened just after the 6pm meeting time, and after a ten minute deluge it was obvious that Astley Park wouldn't be able to stage the Shoddy Products v Cows encounter.

The game would have represented a sixth anniversary clash for the Cows, who are six years old today following their first encounter against Leyland St Mary's on April 21st 2000, but with the goalmouth awash with water and mini streams flowing along the 6-yard line, many players chose to leave not long after the start of the shower, whilst those that braved it were left cold, soaked, and emotional (when discussing Jeff's alice band and GHDs).

Despite the greater significance of the occasion to the small band of Mawdesleyites, the more disappointed party were the Astley Park players, after a nostalgic lineup had assembled to do battle. In spite of the weather, 11 men had made their way to the venue of legends, and the presumed lineup that would have taken to the field will have brought back many memories to APFC die-hards. In 4-4-2 formation, the likely line-up would have read: Thomas; Hunt, M Weaver, Mitchell, Allan; A Ward, I Weaver, Random (the identity of this man has escaped me - remind me who you are and I'll update the story!), McNally; B Ward, Jarnell.

Mawdesley had only amassed nine men, but its likely that more would have arrived had the weather not taken a turn for the worst. Their team had an unfamilar lineup with Andy Crompton and Adam Tree set to play alongside three other debutants, but the likes of Nick Crowther, Jay Bethell, Will Pope and Andy Stunell gave the lineup an element of familiarity.

The game is likely to be rescheduled for early summer, most likely as a World Cup warm-up game in June for anyone harbouring hopes of a late call-up to Germany. Check out the site poll to stake your claim for the game's likely venue.

Alex arrives to stir up trouble

April 21, 2006
Twelve-year old Alex Willson has thrown a spanner into the workings of this year's RSL competition by beating two of the title favourites during a recent stay in Lancashire.

The Midlands Monkey twice saw off cousin Ben Ward and recorded a hat-trick against Adrian Ward in a string of upsets that stunned the two host players. Both managed to tip the balance with an equal number of retaliatory victories (both winning by margins of over 80 in one frame), but RSL debutant Vicky Hill also fell victim to the young pretender to the crown.

The only obsticle he couldn't overcome was Steve Ward, who dusted off his cue after two years away from the table to record a comfortable solitary victory, which puts him top of the leaderboard ahead of the unlikely previous joint leaders, Andy Crompton and Chris Gibirdi. Hill's single defeat puts her bottom without a point - much to the relief of Jay Bethell whose average of 0.8 had previously left him rooted to the foot of the table.

Astley v Mawdesley 2nite!

April 20, 2006
If you're not doing anything better with your Thursday evening, then get on down to Astley Park for the spectacle of an Astley Park FC v Mawdesley United FC challenge match!

We're meeting at 6pm on the football pitches, and we want anyone, whether you're a Shoddy Product, a Cow, or a neutral, to come down and take part.

Simply give me (AJ) a shout if you're coming down, so that we've got a good indication of numbers. So far we've had a healthy response from many of the legends from both teams, so hopefully it'll be a good chance to make your re-acquaintance with old friends... and foes!

CaxtonRoad.co.uk

April 3, 2006
There's a new player in the world of internet satire thanks to Rob Bethell's latest online creation.

CaxtonRoad.co.uk follows the trials and tribulations of living in a student house in Manchester, and makes for a good read in a well-designed portal, although obviously the in-jokes may not make great sense to the general RSL reader, and the shots of the interior of the house look far too grand to actually be a student property (especially if you're basing your views on the housing that Leeds has to offer).

It's worth checking out -if only to see what Rob gets up to when he's not at the gym - and you can reach the page via the link above.

That Ben were on the telly, yer know

April 2, 2006
In case Ben hadn't bombarded you with texts or MSN messages demanding to watch him on TV, then you may not have noticed that he played a cameo role on T4 today - not actually saying anything, but contributing far more than June Bloody Sarpong.

It was all because Channel 4 were featuring the Adidas +10 Challenge which Ben competed in last Thursday (and before you ask, yes, it was a competition win), and seven different segments of the contest were shown in highlights form during T4 yesterday and today.

For those that didn't get a chance to see it when it was live, the clips are now available to view at the T4 website (or at least the first three are).

Check out clip three - the human ball - to see Ben staring like a goon at Jose Mourinho's face on a big screen and screaming inanely at a man inside a giant plastic sphere, and then - if added - he features in episode five, being jostled by Gary Neville and Ben Cohen, and episode six when he stars in the memory game, giving Team Neville an excellent head start.

Unfortunately, the famed 'Dudek-esque' penalty save (of which many of you will have heard endless tales) didn't make the final cut, as they preferred to show the scuffed and mis-hit penalties instead, which has left Ben and Steve fuming, but never mind.

You can also catch Ben on the back page of this week's Leyland Guardian, giving an exclusive interview to the paper's Malcolm Wyatt in an article that he pretty much wrote himself. A job in PR (or just sheer self-publicity) awaits...

Weavers on Sky

March 19, 2006
I meant to post this a while back, but got side tracked due to the volume of work this term (it came as quite a shock that they actually wanted me to do any work while I'm at university).

It appears that our friends the Weavers have been jet-setting off to warmer climes for no reason other than to get themselves on Sky while waving a flag around on a French beach. Apparently they were also there for drinking and rugby, but I don't believe the latter bit.

Ian was spotted drinking again in Castleford this afternoon. Why he was there I do not know - I have chosen to blank this afternoon's purpose from my mind in case it reminds me that Wigan are only avoiding bottom place in Super League by virtue of Wakefield's inferior points difference...

AJ v2.0

March 15, 2006
Adrian Ward is pleased to announce that he's now available in the following formats:
-Bebo
-Facebook
-Myspace
-Ringo
-WAYN.

If you happen to be on any of these networks, you may as well add me, as as least my profiles tend to offer a touch of satire (remarkably, the PPT site seems to be learning from this). My username is usually AJWard1985 if you're looking me up, or otherwise you'll find me via my hotmail address. If you haven't got my hotmail address then where have you been all this time? Grab it, shove me on MSN Messenger and get with the times.

[SERIOUS MODE ON]It's been quite a busy time here in good old Leeds-ville. So much so, that I've not been home this term (take note, first years), and tonight's the first time in a month that I've been able to have a good old gander round the internet (hence the update). You may be interested to hear that:
-I'm half way through a guest article for PPT Online, which I hope to post shortly
-I'm buying tickets for Hard-Fi (Sun May 21, open-air gig in Leeds) and the Old Trafford Test Match (Sun July 30, Day 4 v Pakistan) if anyone wants to join those parties. I've already booked tickets to see Embrace and Mitchell & Webb in Preston for all those who asked, so if you're not amongst those posses but you happen to be going to either event give me a shout and I'll see you there
-My laptop is riddled with spyware (namely 'Spy Falcon'). Any suggestions to get rid of it will be greatly appreciated
-Leyland cricket is in trouble. An excellent piece relating to the problems appears on Faz's Un-Official L&F Site.
-In a very sad piece of news, former LSM French teacher Mrs Rae has died. I'm told that school was closed today to allow for her funeral to take place. It's odd how little things stick with you from years gone by, but my abiding memory of her (apart from being the only French teacher with a sense of humour) was when she came and addressed the Rovers fans at the back of the class with the news that current home shirts were selling for £6.99 at QS Fashions. It was a far more preferable topic of conversation than "Qu'est-que c'est dans votre trousse?", and it was indicative of her friendly nature that she chose to talk to us about that than sticking to the rules and conversing only in French. She leaves behind two young children (I believe) and hopefully she'll rest in peace.
-I'll be coming home for Easter next Saturday, 25th March, so I'll see you all then.[/SERIOUS MODE OFF]

Oh, and I think the PPT holiday should be Germany, some time around mid-June. If any of you have got any nous, you'll realise that its World Cup time, and it'll be an international piss-up and footy fest - what more do you want? (Ah yeh, the old Barnsley slags... I remember now...)

Food of Nostalgia

February 10, 2006
Never let it be said that RSL Online is a dictatorial undemocratic propaganda tool dealing solely in nostalgia in order to hide the depths of despair that blight our otherwise worthless everyday lives in 2006 and convince the masses that the world really is quite a nice place. OK, so maybe it is.

We've had our critics of late (mainly James Bethell who's manfully offering a one-man resistance to the RSL Online dominance in much the same way that Jon Stead is trying his hardest to lead the Sunderland team away from inevitable, crushing distaster), but we're not going to cave in and cease to offer our unique window to the past, a reminder of days when life was easier and there were no bills to pay (though University students will no doubt agree as one that the 9am starts are not particularly missed).

I remember Jimmy (or was it Mr Gardener? They were always in the same place at the same time) saying to us that one day we'd look back and realise that High School was the best day of our lives. Whilst I'm not totally in agreement with him at this stage, there was one aspect of Leyland St Mary's High School life that I'd never really been able to replicate in the real world, and my life felt more vacant as a result. The sweet, unique taste of the King Rib, served daily throughout year 10 and 11 from the snack hatch, was a lunchtime delicacy that filled even the most gaping of stomach-shaped holes. It combined the very best of flavoured processed meat, damp pitta bread, and limp lettuce (and the strong onions did your breath no favours), and was a taste sensation that was years ahead of Peter Kay in its thinking. For five hard years I've struggled manfully to find a suitable replacement to satisfy my taste buds, all to no avail. I felt that there was no future for food. It seemed I would have to see out my days munching on nothing more tasty than chicken balti pie or KFC's Zinger Tower Burger, with nothing to inspire my culinary senses before an inevitable death from flavour-deprived starvation. Until tonight.

Ladies & Gentlemen... I present to you... SUBWAY'S BBQ RIB PATTY! For so long I've been collecting my Subway saver stamps after buying the now redundant varieties such as 'Cheese Steak', 'Classic Tuna' and 'Sweet Onion Chicken Teriaki' (try ordering that after a skinful), but nothing has come close to the excellence of this discovery, which I now wish I'd sampled so much sooner in my tender years.

By selecting a 6" Italian loaf, and asking the overworked girl behind the counter to fill the slices with the rib and a garnish of lettuce and onions - nothing more, nothing less - you have a perfect replica of the Leyland St Mary's King Rib speciality. However, to take it that one stage further, ask for a garnish of Sweet Onion sauce, and you've got the ultimate timeless dish, fit for serving at any royal occasion (or tea at a Northern League cricket fixture). I urge you all to go out now, whatever time of day you're reading this, and barge your way to the nearest Subway to take a step back in time by doing little more than opening your mouth and letting the contents of the sandwich fill the vacuum. Soon you'll be transported back to a world where Linda's evil sidekicks served you the food (but only if you'd pre-ordered it at breaktime), Mrs Dean and the free school meals crew pushed in front of you in the queue, and you ate in excited panic while chatting to Nat Hill and Danny Eastham...

Actually, sod it, and go to McDonalds instead.

Remember me?

February 8, 2006
Does anyone remember the time when Astley Park FC had its own official forum for players and fans alike to come together and have a good old chat? What do you mean you don't? It's still there!

I was shocked to find that the forum is still accessible and very much active (if you count a last post of February 11th 2004 as 'very much active'), so click on through and start chatting!

If you weren't an Astley fan, then why not visit the old Mawdesley United site for a trip down Memory Lane?

There will be more retro footy action and a review of college life (possibly with contributions from the one and only Lex Morris!) on this site once we've completed the Eat Pies archive.

Stop press: PPT Online has been updated. If you follow the link in the guestbook, you can spot an exciting new change whereby the main news story now has a picture of an egg overlaid on the previous picture of a Hyundai Accent. The text for the article has also changed slightly. This method of editing is known as the "Hi, we're Long-View, and this is another version of our popular single 'Further' " effect. Keep those quality updates coming lads (when you've finished coming last in korfball / saying 'tilt' all the time)...

Photo analysis with Katherine Tasker

February 5, 2006
Anyone familiar with the workings of 'Bebo' - the system that makes Friends Reunited look like the PPT site - will be aware of the photo gallery service that allows members to post pictures of their old school days for others to rate and comment upon.

Ben and I have been uploading a multitude of snaps in recent weeks, and this afternoon, a Portsmouth-based female called Katherine Tasker (who claims to have been an LSM student back in 2000) has been casting an eye over some of the shots, with humourous results.

Commenting on the 7S form photo above, she claimed:
"Even though that teacher looks like she has been electricuted, and the guy behind her, to our right looks as if he has died of boredom, and the ginger one two people to the right of the teacher is sniffing that girls neck, its an alright photo. It's good to look back at these times, no matter how good or bad they look."

Judging one photo of Karl with a K, she added:
"That dude looks as if he's going to eat you. He's hungry. Feed him muffins."

After likening Mr McElroy to the BFG and claiming that Mike Gaskill looked like something off a police programme, she also took one look at the photo from the Christmas Do 2000 (below) and said:
"Ok, them lot are freaking me out, they all look daunting. Even though they seems if they are having a good time."

I was also interested to note that she described my 1999/00 hairstyle as being "peculiar", but the piece de resistance (pardon my French, if it proves to be incorrectly spelt), was - aptly enough - her views on the photo of Rob Bethell in the French department modelling Leyland 'fashion'. Her assessment? "Rob scares me...."


A trawl through cyberspace

January 29, 2006
Believe it or not, the year ten French web sites are all still online! If you've got nothing better to do with your jour then I suggest you head on down to this site to wallow in several pixels of nostalgia. Look out for a very contented Uncle Mike on the 'uniforme' page, and a highly sophisticated Rob Bethell talks us through his 'mode'...

Other heroes of years gone by that I've recently encountered by chance include Ste Annan, Rick James, Rick Hesketh and Martin Stuart (who deserves a bonus mention for linking to this site).

If you spot any more Leyland legends online, please share your findings with everyone in the guestbook (linking to PPT doesn't count, and particularly not if you can't even link to the right page, muppets). Through our successful 'people finder' service, we've also been able to find out the latest news on our old classmate Colin Sturzaker. It seems that he's wasted little time since graduating with the class of '01, and in March last year he successfully boarded a train at Manchester Oxford Road, seemingly bound for Blackpool North (or maybe just home). Good luck up there Colin! If you can shed any more light on the whereabouts of people the rest of us have long since forgotten, please let us know!


The Very Best of Eat Pies: Issue Five

If the reminiscipackage of nonsense contained within issue five doesn't make you laugh out loud, then I can only conclude that you didn't attend Leyland St Mary's High School, or you're one of the many victims of the vile abuse that filled the eight pages of the January 22nd publication, Eat Pies' first outing in 1999.

Sit back, read, and please don't think of getting your solicitors involved (the most libelous pieces were penned by Anthony, Paul and Rick anyway)...

Front Page Threat!

We were all a bit shocked the other day, when we received a letter from the ‘Gay Jumper sleeves’ boy who appeared in ‘Eat Pies Eye’ back in issue 2. It was a very strange letter, and we have been commanded to put it on the front page, and not to change it...
“FOR EAT POOS. I am a rather strange person with bad handwriting - Please PlAcE On fRoNt pAge oF eAt PoOs aNd iNclude this last bit. > my jumper sleeves are still looking rather GAY. THIS IS NOT A THREAT IT IS AN AR*E. Include word ar*e and do not change it to ‘t*t’ or anything else...” Scary.

The Errington Files

The Life Story of the Former Software Shack employee

1984: Anthony Humphrey Errington is born
1985: He learns to walk and talk, with his first words recorded as "System Error"
1987: He designs his first computer game, Noddy for the Spectrum.
1989: He releases the sequel to Noddy, "The Adventures in Toytown."
1990: He Passes his first Maths GCSE
1992: Put his first Bill Gates poster in his bedroom
1994: His computer has its first virus, Anthony had to spend a week at a stress clinic.
1996: He moves to Leyland St Mary's High, arriving each day aboard a spaceship called the Blue Bus
1998: Is offered a job in The Software Shack, which he accepts.
1998: The Song "Blue eyes and curly hair" is written in his honour.
1999: Resigns from The Software Shack. Retires for a peaceful life with his N64, for which he is writing the game "Noddy's Space Adventures."

Happy Retirement Errington

Eat Pies Eye

“Football is my leisure activity - By Anthony Errington and William Shatner”
Strange note which has gone round most classes.

The betting slip (above) and 'eyes' (below) featured above also appeared as part of the 'Eat Pies Eye', with the eye advert allegedly featuring in 'The Mawdesley and Kirkshire Gazette’.


ADVERTISEMENT

NEW MAGAZINE OUT SOON!
FOR ALL PUPILS IN ST. MARY’S
HIGH, THE MILLENIUM MARYS MAG
IS COMING! IT WILL BE FULL OF
REVIEWS FOR YOU! LOOK OUT FOR...
SONGS I’VE HEARD ONCE ON THE RADIO THAT LEFT THE CHART TWO WEEKS AGO!
PC GAMES THAT I’VE PLAYED THE DEMO FOR!
PLAYSTATION GAMES THAT I’VE NEVER HEARD OF!
TITANIC - THE VIDEO!
(ACTUALLY, I WON’T GET ROUND TO RELEASING IT BECAUSE IT HAD TAKEN ME 3 MONTHS TO DO 4 PAGES, & THEN MY DAD CRASHED THE PC. I CAN’T TELL YOU WHO I AM BECAUSE I’M SCOTTISH).

Eat PiE:mail

Luckily, we haven’t received quite as much junk e:mail recently. Send your views to eatpies@sportsmail.com soon...

*Sent by: Barrby
Date: 1.12 pm, Monday 14th December 1998
Comments: THE MEANING OF LIFE IS EYES. IF THEY ARE BIG, THEN LIFE IS POO.
*Sent by: Tony Humphrey
Date: 1.06pm, Wednesday 6th January 1999
Comments: Hello to the eat pies team. I fancy a young handsome gorilla. Yours extremely untruthfully, Tony Humphrey
(I scived off on Wednesday the Sixth because I had not done my history project).
*Sent by: The Software Shack
Date: 1.29pm, Tuesday 12th January 1999
Comments: This is a Software Shack announcement: We have to announce that Anthony Errington has been removed from all Software Shack and TPCG responsibilities. We are pleased to confirm Chris Gibirdi as Paul Marsdens new assistant.
*Sent by: Hairy Paul
Date: 6.46pm, Wednesday 13th January 1999
Comments: This is hairy Marsden here, I would like to say that Chris Gibirdi has been sacked from the shack. this is due to the lack of hair on his body. Thanks, Hairy Paul

Letter from gib!

written at 9.34pm, 3/1/1999

dear eat pies,
it’s gib here. I would like to reinstate one of the forgotten sections of Eat Pies (due to e:mail)... in and out!!! therefore I have thought of one myself!... Chris Gibirdi’s... in and out!

in out
*bryan kidd *david moyes
*eddie forshaw *dutton forshaw
*eat pies *cheese & onion pies
*marsy’s muzzy *some italian bloke’s muzzy
*eat pie:mail *posted mail
*blackburn r. *charlton a.
*holidays *schooldays.

there we are, an in an out by the one and only gib!
yours sincerely, gib (p.s. eat pies is class!!!)

Editor's Notes: The Post-script

It's only when you sit back and re-read each issue of Eat Pies that it becomes startlingly apparent how cutting some of the issues really were. Most of this package is Anthony Errington-centric, and that's not even the entirity of the Mr E related content. Still, at least he'll have had the last laugh when he saw that we lost out on a cool tenner when his middle name was revealed to be something so totally incomprehensibile I won't even attempt to spell it here...

Credit to Paul Marsden for the most humourous of the Errington appraisals, the Errington Files forming a memorable centre page spread. If I remember rightly, Rob Bethell penned the line linking him with William Shatner, and it still makes me laugh out loud to this day. Rick Sherliker's caps-lock crazy piece was bollocks as usual.


RobertBethell.co.uk

January 22, 2006
It seems that the only way to be up with the times right now is to be launching a web site... and we've been tipped off about another ex-LSM pupil making HTML in cyberspace.

Whilst Robert Bethell's concoction may be short on excitement or humour, his new venture is a shining example to the rest of us in how to produce a professional and user friendly interface that's easy on the eye and just as simple to navigate. If you're looking for site design, look no further than RobertBethell.co.uk

The mere fact that Rob's launching this site goes to prove how scary life is becomming, with many of us soon to leave the safe confines of university and face the trauma of getting a job and doing some real work. If you were wondering why I've been so glowing about Bethell's latest work, it's because I could do with earning some cash by becomming his new PR guru...

The Very Best of Eat Pies: Issue Four

If you still care, our review of Eat Pies' greatest moments reaches part four. If it's cutting, controversial satire you're after, stay tuned for the reviews of some of the latter issues. It'll be low on photos, but high on top-quality extracting of urine.

Eat PiE:mail

Read who has e:mailed us at our address eatpies@sportsmail.com this week...

These are continued from last week... Eddy & Derry’s
messages from Monday 7th of December.
*Sent by: Sensible Boys (who love poetry)
Comments: Paul is hairy, Paul is hairy, Paul is hairy, Paul is Scary
*Sent by: Paul & moustache
Comments: I want to reserve issues 3-19 of Eat Pies. I
include my moustache as payment. >From Paul
*Sent by: EDDY AND DERRY
Comments: ******* Elf *Mo**us*t*a*ch*e* ** ********
***Fat*******Pooo*************Hair*************Pies
=Paul MARSDEN BY EDDY AND DERRY
*Sent by: Michelle Marsden
Comments: Andy. I love him from Michelle Marsden
*Sent by: Eddy & Derry, probably
Comments: Andy kissed someone called Joanna Falkrick
*Sent by: “Rodent”
Comments: I looked up 'Bethell' in the dictionary. It
said that it meant Bum Fluff
*Sent by: A.N. Onymous
Comments: Poo

Please note: All these messages are silly & immature. Keep them
coming in! You have earnt your own regular page!

MAD MAIL

...and these ones arrived on Tuesday the 8th...

*Sent by: Moustache Man
Comments: Moustache man is back to rule the world. He eats pies and they make him fart
*Sent by: Mr Dreamy
Comments: Did you know that Paul the moustache looks at himself in the mirror with complete dreaminess. It scares me...
*Sent by: High Energy Levels
Comments: A.j the elf eats daisys which make him burb like a fairy. It makes the little pixy giggle, which makes the teachers smile.
*Sent by: Who cares?
Comments: I want to complain.
*Sent by: Barry’s friend
Comments: Barry. I love him. What's he up to, he's got three a going at the once! Their names are ***************, *************** and **************
*Sent by: Our fights correspondant
Comments: Paul just started on Gerbil, but the Rodent struck back, and Moustache man fainted
*Sent by: Someone
Comments: hukaskiwu 4 esdljhlwe, gaidawgi 4 kahihdgvjw, uiuhewiuag 4 ashoihhkjdh, Paul Marsden 4 His Moustache
*Sent by: Bradley's eyes
Comments: Bradley's eyes
*Sent by: the webmaster
Comments: eatpies@sportsmail.comeatpies@sportsmail.comeatpies@sportsmail.comeatpies@sportsmail.com
eatpies@sportsmail.comeatpies@sportsmail.com
RULES OK!
*Sent by: Adam’s enemy (who hasn’t heard of spaces)
Comments: whyisadamderrysuchahorriblelittleboy.
sendanswerstoeatpiestoday,wastenotime,yourprizeiswaitingforyoutoday.
*Sent by: STEVEN ANNAN (Wed 9th)
Comments: Hi it's me Ste here, Your mag is OK But acording to Stephen Mc Cartlidge or something his mag will be 100 times better and bigger.
*Sent by: Richard James (Wed 9th)
Comments: nat benson is trying to do wrestling moves, if he was a wrestler His name would be the english wimp!!!! >From richard james
*Sent by: Colin (Thurs 10th)
Comments: to lisa and catherine, my dearest loves. i am sorry i could not dance with you at the disco but i still fancy you both. colin :-)
*Sent by: Michael Parkinson (Thurs 10th)
Comments: Your mag is for fat people with no lives. I think that your mag is tacky and made by a load of gooners especially AJ Ward who thinks he's cool and he's a prat. Bye-Bye
*Sent by: Cruel, Cruel, Person...
Comments: Message to all Gerbil fanciers, he has been approached by a rodent water vowel for marriage. If you want to marry him ask him quickly, we know their are a lot of female Hamsters out there
*Sent by: A beaver
Comments: Please tell Gerbil I fancy his rodent-like looks.
*Sent by: A female (not Paul, by any chance?)
Comments: Boo Hoo, I love moustaches, but I can't grow one. Because I'm a female

Read a very, very, very, evil e:mail on the back page. Be warned... it’s scarier than Mr E after a long, hard, night on the shandy...

Scary Mail

A very scary e:mail has come in... we think you should read on... with fear...

*Sent by: Ste McCartridge (again???)
Comments: This is a Internet CHIANLETTER from some bloke called Ste Mc Cartridge or something. With a better magazine. If you do not send 25 emails to other people within 48 hours you will have broken the chain and something evil will happen to you or your magazine. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

(In the next issue, find out what we did about this...)

Editor's Notes: The Post-script

Issue Four was released on the last day of term before Christmas in 1998, and due to the Christmas Carol Service, the edition was only sold at Leyland St Mary's Parish Church. This limited scope for widespread scales, and given the fact that this edition almost entirely consisted of badly spelt e-mails from (then) first years, that was probably no bad thing. Issue five hit the shelves in the new year and restored Eat Pies' reputation with some quality contributions and new feature ideas from the esteemed editor.

A point of note is that we never bothered to deal with the internet chain letter, and an apology for failing to do so appeared in the next issue. An apology also appeared in issue four - hoping to make amends for the low quality of the festive edition.

In a break from tradition, Ben failed to file any copy for the 'First Year Forever' page, so the gap was filled by a guest contributor... me. In a cruel (yet entirely fair) premonition, I called upon powers greater than myself to kill David Howells. I doubt many would have argued with the sentiment.

Reacting to the influx of e-mails, it is only now that we can look back and reflect that Michael Parkinson was an extremely shrewd judge of character. On a parting note, does anyone remember Colin Sturzaker? Whatever happened to him? Answers to the usual address... (not eatpies@sportsmail.com I'm afraid)...

Press Release: Cordial PPT relations resume

January 16, 2006
The Runshaw Snooker League is pleased to announce that it has resumed political relations with the Preston Poker Tour.

The move comes as the result of a blinding piece of retaliatary satire from one of the site's hidden talents, who cunningly managed to combine the golden combination of humour, politics (I can't believe one of those piss-heads has actually watched the news recently, not least news of a political nature like I should be watching ahead of Wednesday's exam) and of course, me.

If the author of the article wishes to reveal himself via the guestbook, he'll be entitled to an entire week without piss-taking via the RSL portal. Surely that's got to be a just reward for getting that stomach-churning fat woman off the top of the Poker site...

One thing that I can't get over though - who keeps visiting sites with these pictures of fat women in the first place? Seems like certain PPT members have some sordid secrets in the closet...

(P.S. - Whoever's got all those pics from Hogg's party, let me know, as I wouldn't mind some of them for future piss-taking, etc...)

You've gotta feel sorry for the lion

January 15, 2006
Former Leyland St Mary's High School pupil Steven McCartney has been found sticking his hand up a lion's backside and forcing it to dance to the YMCA.

For once, I'm telling God's honest truth, and you can see for yourselves at the amusing http://www.putfile.com/djsteve-o.

Keep an eye out for the sporadic breakouts of laughter from the normally stonewall expression, coupled with some surrupticious singing along to the camp classic (which, rumour has it, is more popular amongst the class of 2001 than we were initially led to believe - apparently it all makes sense if you visit Friends Reunited).

The only dubious point worthy of mention is the unspecified substance on Ste's chin as he recites 'Frosty the Snowman'...

Press Release: RSL expresses PPT dismay

January 14, 2006
The Runshaw Snooker League regrets to announce that it has suspended political relations with the Preston Poker Tour.

Whilst normally at odds with its inferior partner, the RSL has acknowledged the PPT at diplomatic levels since 2004. However, that relationship has been strained to an untenable level due to the vile and abhorrent imagery and content now appearing on the organisation's official web site.

Runshaw officials have stated that they "may consider" future dialogue with PPT representatives, but only if the conduct of their webmasters is seen to improve through an improvement in the quality and content of their output.

In the meantime, the Runshaw Snooker League is proud to bring you a high quality photograph of happier times(pictured left) in order to take your mind off the loathsome photo of Tree's Mum on the PPT web site.

Tony "delighted" at meeting his idol

January 5, 2006
It's not often that legends get star-struck, but Park Hall dance sensation Tony certainly was when he got close to one of his heroes at a recent celebration.

Tony is well-known to all on the Charnock Richard club circuit, and night after night, club goers clamour to have their photo taken with the best mover since Bez in the Happy Mondays era.

But one man clearly excited Tony more than most, as he explained after having his photo taken not once, not twice, but at least three times with the man he admires most in the world (that's just counting the photos we've got access to...).

Tony revealed: "If there's one man I've always wanted to meet, its Pete Townsley. His dancing capabilities are probably second only to mine in the whole of Lancashire, and it was a pleasure when he agreed to have his photo taken with me. However, I'm a bit disturbed that after a while he started to get a bit close to me, and he insisted that the photographer took more and more shots of us together in a variety of ever-increasingly compromising positions. I don't think anything less of him as a result... I just think its perhaps best if you don't meet your heroes because they don't always turn out the way you expect in real life. He's a real creep."

(Many thanks to our photographer - pics courtesy of 'Tilt' Photographs, Astley Village)

Hogg's Birthday Party

January 4, 2006
Sorry for being a bit slow off the mark with the year's first update, but I'm currently being slowed down by this heavy cold/cough thing that seems to be going round.

Just to get you looking forward to another exciting year of RSL updates, here's the first pic from Dani Hogg's party last week.

There are plenty more pics from the Euxton Institute event going round - we'll bring you a selection of the best ones once Ben saves them all in a folder that I can actually access via the server.

Older readers will be pleased to learn that some archive photos from the Christmas and Leavers' Do's of 2000/01 have just come into my possession, and we'll be publishing one or two for old-time's sake over the coming week (I've got an exam to revise for next Wednesday so this is obviously stock updating period for RSL Online!).

Happy New Year from RSL Online!

December 24, 2005
Always wanting to steal a march on our PPT rivals, RSL Online is keen to wish everyone a Happy and Prosperous New Year in 2006 (unless you're playing poker, in which case I hope you all lose... if that's possible).

It may seem strange for us to be offering new year greetings on Christmas Eve, rather than offering the more pressing seasonal message, but if you're anything like me, you'll already be sick to the back teeth of the tedious and repetitive nonsense that occurs every Christmas so I'm looking forward to getting tomorrow out of the way in favour of the more exciting Boxing Day and New Year celebrations.

To commemorate the New Year, I've stolen a PPT site idea, and I've asked G4 (pictured above) to sing you all a very merry version of 'Auld Lang Syne'. To save you all from any possible trauma, I've selected the karaoke version.

Football Tomorrow

December 20, 2005
I've booked one of the astroturf pitches at Clayton Green Sports Centre for tomorrow afternoon (Wednesday 21st December) between 2.30pm and 3.30pm.

Everyone's welcome, from PPT-ites to Astley Parkers, or even those in-between Mawdesley United types! If you want to come along and play it'll cost you a quid, and please let me know if you wanna play by giving me a text or e-mail, or catching me on MSN.

Cheers... AJ

Holler for Hallam

November 29, 2005
Sheffield Hallam University is proud to announce the appointment of its new 'Hallam Girl' mascot, Sophie Howard.
After months of searching, 22-year old Sophie from Southport was deemed to be the perfect embodiment of everything that a Hallam Girl should stand for.
A spokesman for the South Yorkshire institution claimed:
"Sophie is a prime role-model for any girl enrolling on our courses, given that she goes out on the piss a lot and is prepared to get her kit off at every opportunity. I hope that all our female students adopt Sophie's manner on campus, at home, and in the pub. She will also act as a vital marketing tool for us, appearing in prospectuses, TV advertisements and those classified ads you get at the back of FHM. At present, she is also undertaking a promotional tour for the University, advertising our wide range of courses by appearing at venues like Tokes, Park Hall, and Wigan Pier."
The glamour model's appointment has been well received by many of the Hallam students, with 19-year old Sports Science undergraduate Chris Gibirdi claiming:
"Fuckin' 'ell, she's fit as! Holy Moly! I'm in love!"
As usual, those jealous bastards at Manchester and Nottingham have been quick to spout their displeasure at not having their own campus babe, and have all gone off to play poker.

Forshaw and Ball at loggerheads

November 16, 2005
Eddie Forshaw has launched a scathing attack on his cousin, Ball 'Nuts' Ball (forgive me, for I have no idea what his first name is).

In a move that is bound to cause many an argument around poker tables, Ed dramatically told the RSL guestbook (please note that Forshaw's prose has been edited as it has slumped to the generally crap level of literacy that you'd expect from a student at Manchester University 'Est 1824', even though everyone knows the present instituation was only formed following a merger between the University of Manchester and UMIST on 22nd October 2004):
"What Ball failed to point out is that I wrote the piece entitled 'Manchester Pips Nottingham'.
"Why would Ball write about how poor his own 'university' is?! I demand the story be changed to acknowledge my journalistic expertise... and point out Ball's fraudulant antics... the (David) batty."

What Forshaw fails to point out is that Ball didn't write the article entitled "Ball praised for satirical breakthrough", which falsely proclaims Ball as the saviour of satire on the Poker League site - I did. And I apologise for any confusion caused by that article - I accept there's no way Ball would be post-modern enough to write anything that witty about his own beloved University of Drive-Bys. Read this and learn, Skin-Ed. (If you don't understand that final reference, please check your latest edition of 'Contemporary Haircuts of RSL Legends 2005/06', under the entry entitled "Forshaw, Edward - Skinhead").

In Memory of Rupert

November 9, 2005
And now for a bit of sad news for anyone who's visited the RSL HQ at any time over the last three years...

Our cat Rupert, friend to all snooker players since defecting from Runshaw College's print lab during Easter 2002, has died following a short illness.

He hadn't been eating for a few days, and was generally acting in a very strange manner, appearing to be quite unwell. After being taken to the vets for blood tests yesterday morning, he was diagnosed with what Ben describes as 'Cat Aids', which sounds most unpleasant, and the sort of illness that you'd expect Chris Morris to discuss on 'The Day Today'. He was put down peacefully, and by now has probably been buried in his favourite part of the garden (I'm back in Leeds so I'm a bit cut off from all the latest news!).

He'll be sadly missed, most notably by Truffle who'll no longer have anyone to fight with when the mood takes her. We'll all miss having him sleeping on our heads at night too, even if it does mean that we'll now get a full un-interrupted night's sleep for a change.

Rob Bethell described him as a 'Top Cat'... he certainly was. Cya Rupes...

Jimmy Quits!

November 9, 2005
Every once in a while, we do break genuine news stories on this site. And our latest exclusive is that Jimmy O'Donnell has quit the priesthood!

And to continue the shock 'non-RSL-type' theme, I won't be revealing my source on this occasion. Mainly because I'm too busy concentrating on my assessed politics essay (deadline Monday - words written: 0) to think of anything satirical enough to fit this space.

Sheffield Hallam named chaviest University in the UK

October 19, 2005
Sheffield Hallam today landed the prestigious title of 'Chaviest University in the UK'. It wasn't the result of an offical Poker League Online poll or anything as important as that; the only evidence needed is the photo above which shows the students in their everyday clothing.

Joint runners-up in the Chav stakes - Abomination of Manchester and Nottingham Pokerians - declined to comment at their failure to land the title.

Ball praised for satirical breakthrough

October 19, 2005
Critics have been quick not to be critical after James 'Nuts or Hitler - you decide the nickname' Ball penned a genuinely clever article on the much-maligned 'Poker League Online'.

His piece entitled "Manchester pips Nottingham in survey" was described as 'witty' and 'authoritative' by members of the Poker trade press, though a representative for Leeds Met threw a strop and threatened to stop building expensive new stands at Headingley Stadium if Ball failed to remove the 'institutionally and stereotypically racist' article from the site.

Whilst Ball's improved writing style has generally been met with acclaim, his editorial policy has caused a rift amongst contributors to the generally indecipherable portal. Stories not meeting the site's strict "write a load of shite that only us inbred poker players can understand" policy are quickly removed before the truth about the game is discovered by accidental visitors.

One contributor - 14 month old Adam Derry's fringe - was keen to see Ball deposed as the site's resident News Nazi, claiming:
"Just because I'm stuck up here in Ant and Dec territory where Poker is what blokes usually do to the women in bars on a Saturday night doesn't mean my comments are invalid. In fact, by watching the game from afar, I've been able to see what a load of toss it really is. If Ball doesn't allow me to express my views under Article 10 of the Human Rights Act 2000 - Right to Freedom of Expression - there will be hell to pay, though that reminds me that Ball still hasn't paid me since I stole all his chips on the river after a stack of tilt in the previous four hands... (general A-9 off-side drive flop-related bollocks continues for several paragraphs; as serialised now on Poker League Online)."

Leyland & Farington appoint extremely talented new webmaster

September 7, 2005
By Paul Busby

Leyland & Farington Cricket Club is delighted to announce that it's appointed the best webmaster it could possibly have ever appointed.

It's appointed Paul busby, who as well as being possibly the best up-and-coming player in the whole of the Northern League, is probably the best writer in the league too, as proven by his really good new book (pictured right).

Because I really am the best player at the club, I can justifiably make the claim that I'll be best at keeping the site up to date and entertaining as well, and I'll ensure that you all get to read a lot about me.

And because I went to a really good school like Bolton School, it means I'm dead better and writing and all that,, and sentence structure is one of my best things in the style I write in on the site; as you can see by my use of sub-clauses and also things will all be splet the write way.

So keep visiting the site, which will be updated regularly so you can read how brilliantly I'm doing.

(Former L&F Webmaster's Note: Please be aware that all updates are subject to Busby performing well - otherwise the site will return to its usual dormant state)

Many thanks to Rob Bethell for the book design!

Fears growing over 'Tesco' cult

September 7, 2005
Fears over a cult which threatens to engulf the entire Runshaw catchment area - and possibly the whole of the UK - have been increased today after Chris Hadden became the latest RSL-related persony thingymebob to be enticed by its capitalist powers.

The ginger haired one, famed for having ginger hair (and being a gangster), is believed to have been indoctrinated into the long-feared 'Tesco' cult, following the likes of Adam and Rachel Derry, Phil Ashton, Nick Crowther, Emma Thomas and Rob Hesketh who are all said to be operating out of Tesco cells (known as 'Superstores') in Leyland and Chorley.

Experts claim that students and the long-term unemployed are most vulnerable to the organisation's lure, possibly due to financial rewards which are offered in exchange for hours of slavery within the confines of its glass-fronted monstrocities which are springing up in every town in the country.

The recruits are believed to be forced into performing menial and demoralising tasks whilst under the cult's command, such as floor-sweeping, shelf-stacking, and offering a sinister-sounding service known as 'cashback'.

Members of the public who have inadvertantly strayed into the confines of Tesco's headquarters - possibly due to hunger or a desperate urge to buy cat litter - claim that the various past and present Runshaw students offer them groceries and household goods as they browse the harshly lit walkways, only to demand money for said gifts as they leave the premises - and some even claim to have been encouraged to join the Tesco movement by joining its 'Clubcard' system.

One inadvertant Tesco visitor called Steve Ward (who asked not to be named), told us that he stumbled upon a Tesco centre whilst walking home from a football match. He claimed:
"They entice passers-by to enter their premises by lighting their buildings in a fashion that would have most local environmental bodies choking on their lentil soup. Even in the dead of night, these Tesco buildings continue to operate, holding their followers - I think they call them 'employees' - to the point where they hardly ever get to go home to see friends and family. Poor little Adam Derry's been in there so long that he hasn't even had time to have a haircut in the last six months, the little ponce."

Ward still coming up with the goods

September 6, 2005
Adrian Ward has told this site that he still posesses enough creative talent to keep a steady succession of stories flowing on RSL Online.

Ward was coming under pressure from certain quarters to improve the quantity (as well of quality) of updates after a slow period, particularly given the glowing praise it has recently received from the links page of Leyland & Farington CC's unofficial site - deemed to be the local leader in satirical analysis.

But he assures readers that all is still well within his brain, and that he won't be resorting to desperate measures to fill the space on his generically-designed site.

"There's no danger of me resorting to ridiculous self-parody in order to spark interest in the site," he told himself as he sat at his laptop, "Indeed, I have a whole catalogue of amusing stories and anecdotes that I'm willing to unleash on you all in due course."

"I promised everyone a Chris Gibirdi toilet-related exclusive not so long ago. That story still remains in the pipeline... my only fear is that you'll have all heard it already, and that he'll have got off with so many other birds by now that it renders my scoop obsolete."

Gibirdi beaten at poker by none other than Adrian Ward

July 31, 2005
Given that there's no way this fascinating story will ever make it onto the Poker League site (if Gibirdi's doing the updating), I thought I'd better bring you some info from last night's Fox Lane Open.

In a six player event, Chris "Tiltmeister" Gibirdi was beaten... by me, Adrian John Ward of Langdale Road, Leyland. That has to be the only relevant incident of note in an otherwise turgid affair, played in a fairly unfocussed manner by a sextet (yes, that is a word) who were more interested in watching Lancashire's capitulation to the Ciderboys in last night's Sixteen16 Final at the Oval.

But the fact remains that one of the world's (self-proclaimed) greatest players was humbled by a mere upstart who regularly denounces this over-hyped game and didn't even know the value of the cards in his hand when making some bold bluffs and counter-bluffs and counter-tilts and... stuff, etc.

For the record, last night's standings in reverse order were:

6th: Rick "0 with the bat for the season" Blackburn
5th: Chris "Tiltmeister" Gibirdi
4th: Adrian "In To Make Up The Numbers" Ward
3rd: Ian "Captain Cautious" Farrington
2nd/1st: Rob "Steroids" Bethell / Steve "Munch" Wilson

(Nobody knows how this one finished as we left them to it with both players in posession of more chips than McDonalds.)

Dim Jim honoured for being grim

July 19, 2005
Radio Lancashire 'legend' Jim Kenyon has been awarded an honourary degree by the University of Central Lancashire for his discovery of an insomnia cure.

Kenyon received the honourary doctorate from the Institute of Health & Neurological Disorders after medical students realised his Northern League cricket commentaries had helped to rid insomnia sufferers of their conditions within seconds of his first words.

Dr Harold Shipman of UCLan revealed:
"With just a few lengthy vowels, Jim is able to reduce even the harshest of insomnia sufferers into nothing more than a huge snoring lump. For many years we've been looking to cure patients by showing them videos of Ian Farrington and Ben Ward opening the batting, but even that had a very limited level of success. Now, just by tuning to 103.9FM, 104.5FM or 855MW (except when the Asian Network's on), we can help all those whose level of sleep deprivation has reached critical levels. However, sadly we do have to report that one of Jim's summaries from the St Annes versus Darwen game sent three of our most-promising young researchers into a sleep from which they have yet to wake up, due to his incessantly dull droning about 'young' Michael Baer and the Cordingley brothers. We fear that some of them may soon slip into a coma from which they shall never recover."

Kenyon was typically underwhelmed by the award of the degree, but took time to bore us with a few select comments, claiming:
"It's a lovely sunny day here in Preston, I can tell because I have to have the air conditioning on in my car as I sit in the car park watching the degree ceremony. I think that awarding this degree is a testiment to the variety of prose in my commentaries, and the level of diligence I take when researching details of the fine Northern League clubs and their players. But of course, I couldn't do it without the outstanding performances of players like Adam Walsh and Zed Patel who make my job so much easier with their stunning defensive displays."

Jay re-joins Mawdesley on a Bosman

June 14, 2005
James Bethell has ended his Fox Lane nightmare by re-joining home town club Mawdesley on a Bosman transfer.

The opening batsman-cum slow bowler-cum wicket keeper had been playing on a non-contract basis for Leyland & Farington (e.g. without paying his subs) since the end of last season, but has failed to make an impact on the 3rd team stage in 2005 after graduating from the L&F Academy.

He has now used the famed Bosman ruling to join his former club - also on a non-contract basis (which means, of course, he won't be paying any subs) - and the placid-yet-long-haired legend was thrilled to be back.

"I've spent the last nine seasons of my playing career with Mawdesley in some form or another," claimed the non-subs paying quitter, "So I'm delighted to be back at a club which will have me."

"I'm thrilled at the prospect of playing in the prestigious Merseyside and Southport Alliance pyramid structure once again, and I believe that we can go on to bigger and better if I can be bothered to score any runs."

Another man who had been expected to leave Leyland & Farington Lack of Cricket Club has been handed a Fox Lane lifeline.

Adrian Ward looked set to switch to this season's Chorley league suprise package Chorley St James', but his chances of a trial were dashed after rain caused the cancellation of Tuesday night's net session.

And midweek team manager Martin Brown has offered Ward the chance to feature in tomorrow night's Chorley & District DP Cold Planing Wednesday Night Bash League fixture in a bid to make him stay on as a key website editor and honourary press officer, oops - sorry, squad member.

Tonight, Brown spoke of the club's need to hold onto players such as Adrian as he told his brother Ben Ward:

"Ben, we need you to play tomorrow night."

"That's fine. Do you need AJ as well?"

"No, we're not really that desparate."

"But there's three games tomorrow night isn't there?"

"Shit, we ARE desparate then. Bollocks."

Second team seamer’s steroids shocker

June 6, 2005
Rejuvenated Leyland & Farington 2nd XI have been dealt a blow after one of the key players in their renaissance was suspended by the Northern League for steroid abuse.
New-ball specialist Rob Bethell has been handed a two-year ban from all Northern League cricket – including the Thwaites Smooth Beer Cup and the much-maligned Twenty/20 Cup – after a urine sample he gave in the back of Jim Kenyon’s Vauxhall Vectra at the recent Lancaster fixture was said to contain traces of a banned substance.
Bethell’s sample is alleged to have contained Iwanttobemassiveone, a naturally produced chemical which is secreted by the pancreas when an athlete overdoses on a dangerously high level of yoghurt and flapjack.
A positive sample could have been averted if the Mawdesley-based strike bowler had maintained a healthy alcohol intake, as Iwanttobemassiveone dissolves in lager, but his abstention in recent months meant that the illegal traces failed to clear.
Bethell can count himself unlucky, as drug-testing in Northern League circles is rare, but suspicions of illegal activities were raised when a once loose-fitting Mawdesley CC jersey began to take on a tight appearance… and the opening bowler started taking wickets.
When asked for comment, Bethell was said to be “dead massive”.

Read all about it: Slats sacked from paper boy job

June 4, 2005
Adam Slater is seeking new employment after he was sacked from his role as a paper boy for “gross incompetence”.
The second team regular had been earning up to 8p per newspaper delivery while working for Jackson’s Newsagents, but that changed last weekend after arriving for work in what was described as a “disheveled” state.
Ken Patel, owner of Jackson’s Newsagents, exclusively told the 2nd XI Newsletter:
“Slats had to go. He has been a pretty shoddy employee at the best of times, but last Sunday just took the biscuit. Our usual policy is to ask our paper boys to report for duty around 7am, but for whatever reason, he decided to arrive at 4am, clearly worse for wear after a late night piss up in Preston. I was woken by his drunken bawling outside the shop, but refused to attend to his demands as I get so little sleep as it is. That, I fear, was a mistake, as the next morning all I could see in either direction from my window was a carpet of newspaper.”
Eyewitness reports vary in their detail, but some who claim to have seen Slater outside the shop spoke of a man evidently rankled with rage, brandishing a packet of twenty Lambert and Butlers but seemingly with no method of lighting the cigarettes. When it became clear that nobody was paying attention to the drunken protests, Slater was then alleged to have collected a pile of newspapers waiting outside the shop, and distributed them in his own unique fashion.
One onlooker - who wished not to be identified - claimed:
“I was busy minding my own business, downloading porn downstairs while the wife was asleep, when suddenly I heard a kafuffle outside. I peered through the curtains, and at first I thought it was snowing. However, I soon realised that it was merely that Slater yob throwing papers into everyone’s front gardens. One copy of the Sunday Times covered an entire cul-de-sac.”
When asked to comment on his actions, Slater was surprisingly willing to talk, but the assembled press at his Eagle and Child press conference were unable to deduce any sensible comments as he rambled on about the lack of gentle dentists in Leyland.

RSL "not shitting itself" over poker threat

May 7, 2005
Snooker officials have denied claims that they fear the emergence of poker as the game of choice in Runshaw College circles, announcing plans for a bright new era of cue-related action.

Not a single frame has been played in the RSL since January due to poker's ever-growing popularity in the South Leyland/Euxton/Astley Village/South East Mawdesley/West Croston region, but an anonymous league official went on the record today to defend the competition - and reveal the details of snooker's radical new changes which should draw the punters back to the north side of Langdale Road.

"To say that we're shitting ourselves over poker's supposed dominance would be a load of crap," announced the league official, "Though we have had one or two cases of diorhaea in the past couple of months which have since cleared up."

"Like a rugby league fan knows that his code is better than rugby union, we know that our league is still the best, as for all the tension, thrills and excitement of playing late night poker for money, there's nothing that can beat the RSL for sheer statistical glee when you see that Crompton's average has climbed above 0.4 and that Gibirdi has no chance of making the play-offs. Until poker brings in a ranking system to match our flawless league table, we know that we offer the ultimate brand, and in time - for example those long, boring hours in June when everyone waits around for their A Level exams - the crowds will come flooding back."

The league spokesman revealed that a few minor tweaks to the rules could be just around the corner.

"The 2004/05 season is only young in terms of the number of games played, and therefore we don't feel it would disadvantage those who already have frames under their belt to make one or two rule changes at this stage of the competition. We propose that from this point onwards, any number of players can take part in a frame, each taking it in turn to deal. We'll give every competitor a bag of Skittles to use as a bargaining tool during frames, and then to get the frame started, each player will be dealt a number of balls to pot. If you're not to happy about the balls you're given, we can continue to deal by offering you more balls to play with - we'll use pool balls if necessary."

"Each player will be allowed to 'raise' each other between breaks - whatever the hell that means... I guess it may be something to do with lifting up smaller players like Hampson so he can reach the table more easily. The winning player in each frame will be the one who pots their balls in the most interesting fashion, for example a royal flush of pots - green, brown, blue, pink and black - will be looked upon more favourably than something dull such as four of a kind, as potting reds is piss easy. The winner can then take his Skittles home with him, and the eight players with the most Skittles at the end of the regular season go into the play-offs."

"The winner of the play-offs then gets given all the Skittles, which he's allowed to eat, though I guess he'll probably be sick if he does, given the length of time they've spent in Jay's bag - and more worryingly, his car."

"If that doesn't beat poker I don't know what will. Hang on - yes I do - a lunch-time based Leyland pub crawl competition, sponsored by esteemed Runshaw Old Boys Lex Morris and Nick Townsend. Last one to the Eagle & Child has to down a gallon of tequila... get drinking!"


Keenan refuses to apologise for broken nose

Chris Keenan has flatly ruled out any chance of an apology - three years after breaking Rob Bethell's nose in a cruel and calculated act of GBH.

Tensions were strained as Mawdesley United succumbed to four successive defeats in the 2002 Blackpool Cup, and Keenan's renowned bad temper was stretched to the limit after the humiliation of losing to CANADIAN opposition in the final game.

In this photograph - exclusively hidden in the RSL archive until it became newsworthy - you can clearly see how Keenan took out his pent-up anger by using a clothes-line technique to mangle Rob's conk (don't mis-read that bit, please), causing "a bloody mess" within his respiratory system.

At the time, no-one was aware of the severity of the incident, as stunned team-mates were too distracted by Keenan's cunning use of a pennant to hide the evidence, and the off-putting glow emitted from James Coates' hairstyle.

Bethell's overly dramatic protestations - with arms flailing like a mentalist - were ignored initially, as Rob was still recovering from years of distrust caused by his support of the 'slick of the eye' campaign.

But now, the "boy who used to cry wolf" is a far more trustworthy individual, and everyone should feel symphathy for a man who has been so hurt after being ignored for so long, and has lived with the pain of a fractured nose for all this time without so much as a whimper.

When asked for a comment, Keenan laughed uncontrollably and turned bright red.

Jay defends decision to clean convertible at Tesco's drive-in car wash

Any suggestion that his idea to take a convertible through the Tesco car wash was foolish has been laughed off by vehicle expert James Bethell.

The Runshaw College student was minding a yellow Porsche Boxster 2.7 for a friend when the car was stained by the decision of passenger Ben Ward to throw up all over the back of the driver's seat.

With renowned cleaner Ann Ward overseeing the latest round of staff-culling at Leyland St Mary's High School (Bob Simpson the latest to face the wrath of the firing squad after a series of misdemeanours), Jay's usual cleaning source was unavailable to help with the mopping up operation, so he took the bold step of taking the vehicle to Tesco's revolutionary drive-through facility.

After taking extreme care to ensure the roof of the convertible was down, Jay selected the precision wash option for £6.99, and with the interior of the car now open to the elements, the consequences were inevitable. Whilst the remains of Ward's vomit were cleaned spotlessly, Bethell was unable to drive away from the Leyland store due to an excess of soap in his eyes that temporarily impaired his vision - that, and the fact that he was piss wet through and the car now resembled a novelty jacuzzi.

"At least it was a thorough job," mused Bethell.
"And now that the weather is so cold the car has turned into a huge block of ice. We've been able to secure a lucrative four-figure deal to supply ice to the Fox and Lion for the next six months."

Middle names of (then) year nine students

Yes, we do check the latest results in the poll, and the three of you that want to see what middle names were like back in May 1999 have your wish.

Of course, these name are now probably dated; changed by deed poll or conveniently replaced by Confirmation names, if you can actually remember which one you chose.

The alias of the flick-haired man who uncovered these details shall remain anonymous for the sake of avoiding any potential looting of his home in Gorsey Lane, Mawdesley.

We apologise for the question marks that blight this article. It is reproduced on this site in the exact form it was published in Eat Pies issue eight, released on 21st May 1999. For reference purposes, Andrew's middle name is in fact Thomas, but I'm sure you'll recall that Eat Pies never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

RSL Online would like to remind you that all Eat Pies extracts are copyrighted property of the editor, and cannot be reproduced without permission. Therefore, if any of you are name-checked here, you will have to seek permission before writing your middle name on any application form for the rest of your life.

------------

MIDDLE NAMES OF 9S1

Here are those elusive and mysterious names!
AJ- John Rob-John Andy-John
Rick- John Jeanette- ????? Jenny- Louise
Charlotte- Mary! Erry- ???? Paul- Ronald!!
Teresa-CLASSIFIED Tanya-Maria

- I hope that this section proved enticing and very interesting.

Bethell wins Turkish skittles duel

James Bethell has reclaimed his place at the top of the Newman & Myerscough Skittles League after a stunning last-gasp triumph over the Turkish window cleaner, Servet Tasdemir.
The Mawdesley-based teen astounded friends and colleagues when he announced his decision to join the competition at the start of the year, rejecting a multi-pound deal to remain in the Runshaw Snooker League, which he won two seasons ago.
But that decision appears to have paid dividends, with Bethell winning 16 of his 17 games so far this season, only losing in a turgid late-November scuffle with veteran campaigner Sir Tom Finney.
He snatched top spot back from Cardinal Newman College’s Howard Jackson by skittling 9 of the remaining 10 skittles in his clash with Tasdemir in the final round of skittling in this battles of skittles. The aim of skittles, of course, is to skittle skittles until they are skittled on the floor.
At the post-match press conference, the victor refused to comment on the game, preferring to use the packed press opportunity to launch an attack on Leeds hooligan Adrian Ward after he caused untold damage to Bethell’s beloved Newcastle two weekends ago.
“Ward is random, and should be mocked like Souness,” he announced, speaking through an electronic voicebox. He also defended his people against potentially libelous remarks on various news web sites, claiming,
“I am shocked and appalled at the comments made about the Geordies. Stick that on your site and smoke it!”


The Brad Files

You asked for them, so here are the old Brad Files - or at least the text because that's all I can muster, but its gotta be better than nothing! Congrats to Steven Annan for this retro masterpiece...


"WELCOME 2 BRAD FILES!

Hi, and welcome to the Brad Kirk files, we have created this web site for the soul purpose of making fun of a certain Brad Kirk! On this site you can find information on Brads daily deeds, his pets, what he likes, and just some stuff 2 take the piss!

If you would like 2 see what you look like as brad just take one magnifying glass and place it over your eye! as shown above! Now you will look like brad as well! Your eye should take up most of you face!


BRAD PLAIN AND SIMPLE!!!!
If you dont know Brad (like you would want to!), theres a few things you should know!
* He has the bigest eyes in the world
* Plus the ego to match!
* He goes out with girls 3 to 4 years younger than him as he cant get them in our year!
* He thinks he is gods gift!
* And last but not least he likes Wrestling (What a sad Ba~t@rd!)


NEWS!!!!!
FOR SALE AS FROM 9-9-2067
The brad game!

It is your mission to seek out brad and hunt him down, and then kill him in the most cruel way u can think of! We at the bradfiles got the above preview thanx to eat pies retailing!

EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!!!!
Thanx To a Mr AJ Ward who noticed this advert in the local press , we recon that Brad has already aplied as he has all the problems listed!


Brads Pets!



Above are two of Brads pets! If you havent already noticed, they too suffer from bigeyeitus, So Brad adors his pets as the are like him!


Brads Story, Brad first came to our humble school in year 8! Before he came there were rumours flying all over the place! That he was a millionaires son etc! (Yeah right) And when he did come and heard these! he just went along with them and made up some of his own! Like his dad owned the capitol Center in Walton le Dale (Yeah right you complete and utter f*cker!) But soon these caught up with him and smacked him in the face (YES!!!) But yet his own mega ego got him through and he thinks he is the no one person in the school! (if so would there be pages like this on the web?) i think not!



Sign My Guestbook http://htmlgear.lycos.com/specs/book.htmlhttp://htmlgear.lycos.com/specs/book.htmlView My Guestbook

If u would like a web site produced to the quality of this site or better please contact me as i will be willing to help. (Steven Annan Web Design 2000)

HELP HELP HELP!!!! DO YOU HAVE GOOD SONG WRITING SKILLS? IF SO I NEED SOMEBODY TO WRITE THE WORDS FOR THIS SITES SONG WITH THE TITLE 'WHERE DID YOU COME FROM BIGEYED BRAD' EMAIL UR ENTRIES TO THE ABOVE ADDRESS.

Brad Kirk's eyes are not really that big, infact they are quite normal. All items on this page are compleatly fictional unless otherwise stated (INCLUDING WHAT I JUST SAID ABOUT HIS EYES)"

Geordies seek AJ revenge

RSL Online has un-earthed a worrying story that is set to be published in tomorrow's edition of the 'News of the World'...


LEEDS YOB Adrian Ward has been forced into hiding after several thousand Newcastle residents vowed revenge against the drunken lout.

The Geordies are determined to settle a few scores after AJ's misdemeanors led to a night of fear, confusion and misery on Tyneside.

As reported in last week's NOTW, Ward incenced bar and club-goers a fortnight ago whilst in the north east to celebrate a friend's birthday, causing injury, mayhem and thousands of pounds worth of damage to architecture in Newcastle city centre during a drunken rampage through the city.

According to one onlooker, the Leeds University student consumed "more bitter and vodka mixers than he could handle", and in the aftermath he left three women and two men hospitalised with various bottle and stabbing wounds. He also:
+SPARKED a riot between Newcastle and Charlton fans following the two sides' afternoon draw at St James' Park, which resulted in city centre bar 'Vuzz' being torched
+URINATED from the top of the famous Tyne Bridge
+TOUCHED-UP under-age girls who were illegally drinking in 'Mushroom Bar'
+SNORTED lines of cocaine off the rims of ships docked at the quayside
+BOMBARDED the Sage Centre in Gateshead with flour-bombs, sparking a massive security alert ahead of Labour’s annual conference at the venue
+PEPPER-SPRAYED lengthy queues of revellers waiting for late night taxis home, and most disgracefully...
+FARE-DODGED on the Newcastle Metro, refusing to pay the mandatory £10 on-the-spot fine by crying "Fuck off you Newcy Brown Whales" to stunned station staff.

A spokesperson for the whole of Newcastle said,
“Ooh noo pet! Way-ay man! This bonny lad’s a fuckin’ disgrace an’ we’re gannin’ ferrim, just you wait pet.”

Former Stella Street resident Len added:
“Nyaarr! Am ganna burrrrn him up!”

But Ward found support from one source, albeit a shit one. Andrew Stunell commented:
"I think most of the stories are just fabrications made up by fucking Geordies 'cos they're a bunch of wankers. And so are 'Boro fans - wankers. All that happened that night was that AJ had a few drinks, got a taxi home and went to bed. The rest was all Brad Kirk's fault 'cos he looked at everyone a bit funny."

Token Geordies Ant and Dec were unavailable for comment.

Mercer to revolutionise Runshaw's Media Studies failings

For the first time in the best part of five months, what you are about to read on RSL Online is actually a genuine story! (Well, the first bit is, but then it gets satirical...)

Former Leyland & Farington CC captain Alex Mercer has been exclusively revealed as the man to revitalise Media Studies A Level grades at Runshaw College if this week's ridiculous trip to New York fails to improve their students' grasp of semiotics, postmodernism and the hypodermic syringe theory.

After quitting the L&F leadership at the end of a turbulent and Middlesbrough-esque league campaign in 2004, Mercer has been contemplating where else to put his vast array knowledge and experience to good use, and he now appears keen to keen to answer the highly strung and emotional plea for help spilling from the mouths of media department supremos Chris Haythornthwaite and Steph Hendry.

He will deliver a series of lectures to stunned second year students, just months before they sit the most important exams of their lives. That is, until they sit exams at university, if they achieve the required grades to get there, which is highly dubious if Runshaw's mentally anguished staff are doing the teaching. RSL Online has gained exclusive access to Mercer's notes, and here we have extracts of what he is to tell the spell-bound audiences...

INTRODUCTION
"Greetings troops, comrades, friends. I am here to lead you, mentally and spiritually, to achieve the ultimate goal at the end of the brightest rainbow, wherever its glistening sparkle may choose to shine. For some of you, that rainbow will form a spotlight on a nerve-ridden morning in August inside the Sports Hall as you open your results envelopes with tentative fear. In fact, that goes for all of you, but I just wanted to make it sound a little more exciting that destiny implies that some of you are set to live on a higher plain. I lived on a high plain once, in the wild open desert lands of Nevada. Coincidentally, I had to travel by plane to get there, so you see a cunning turn of linguistics there, although that's not much use to any of you unless you do English. Yes, it was in those Nevadan nirvanas that I took my first tenuous steps into broadcasting. I was acting as a runner on the 'graveyard shift', 2am - 5am, on CUNT Radio, assisting a young up-and-coming DJ known as Jeremiah Springer, who has gone on to become a successful and widely acclaimed presenter of a TV programme called "The Jerry Springer Show", which I believe is very popular in the USA these days, as well as within the geography department at Leyland St Mary's High School until recently. One night, struggling for callers as usual for our unpopular 'Dead of the Night' phone-in, I was forced to take unorthodox and decisive action to save the show, and hence I repeatedly used the phone in reception to repeatedly call young Jeremiah throughout his time on air. I used a variety of voices, accents and pseudonyms in order to give the impression that numerous different people were calling the show, and the next morning, to our eternal surprise, the station's Managing Director told us the show was the best he had ever heard for a broadcast at that time of night. This taught me that flexibility, nous, and the ability to speak utter bullshit in times of crisis are essential tools in the media industry. I find that these skills have served me well throughout my career, although last season this formula for success seemed to elude me for whatever reason."

(For legal reasons we cannot bring you parts of the next paragraph)

AFRICA
"...so of course after such a blatant transgression of state law I had to leave the country. Nevertheless, as a fearless globe-trotter, I was prepared to go wherever, and do whatever it would take to resurrect my career. By chance, I befriended a successful businessman called Richard Branson, who, at the time, was undertaking testing on his hot air balloon which he was to later use in order to circumnavigate the globe. In exchange for acting as one of his general slaves for the duration of the journey, he agreed to transport me from the USA to the captivating continent of Africa. I was eternally grateful for his help which allowed me a fresh start and another stab at life, though my time with Richard proved to be the most turbulent I have ever experienced, and is not something I wish to talk about at length. All I shall say is that after some of the acts of slavery he asked people to perform aboard that balloon, I believe it is a disgrace that he is still legally allowed to operate a multi-national conglomerate under the title of 'Virgin'. My torment subsided when I was thrown overboard, as promised, over the east African state of Tanzania. I landed, as fate would have it, on a single overhead power cable, the only line of cabling in the whole country. Had I landed on two cables simultaneously, I would have frazzled to death and fallen to the earth below to be devoured by wild dogs and feral monkeys, but instead the wire served to break my fall, and I rebounded in a kind fashion which caused me to land in a large vat of raw sewerage, so I was able to escape my terrorising 1500ft fall with only minor whiplash and stomach complaints to show for it. I had to lie low for a few days to avoid being discovered and burnt at the stake by the uncivilised rabble that lived there - mainly Chorley ex-pats - but eventually after learning to live in the jungle by sleeping on hammocks of bamboo-shoot and eating only the famous Wagga-Wagga beetle as my staple diet, I made the decision to escape to relative safety. I reached the capital, Dar es Salaam, after a 15-day struggle through the wild, but once there, my hardened physique and rugged good looks served me well. At first, I earnt a living by acting as a secret consulate to the president of state television in the country, and one evening I fought off a group of rebels determined to overthrow the presenters of the country's popular midweek lottery programme. My bravery was captured live by the camera crew as I saw off a crowd of four-score and seven using nothing more than my bare hands and feet to overpower their more advanced weaponry including sticks and sharpened gem stones, and being the only white face in the country, I was seen as a kind of saviour from afar, and become something of a national celebrity. The president of the station offered me my own Saturday evening prime-time talk-cum-light entertainment show – not unlike Noel’s House Party - and for six years I was the face and voice of Zigga Zagga TV, though only after overcoming the obvious language barrier I faced at first. Initially presenting the show in English, I was nearly fired after my third show when my comment of "Welcome to the show, Prime Minister" was incorrectly dubbed into Zulu as "Look, you've come, Prime Minister" as he walked onto the stage with his renowned limp. Thankfully, the station realised I wasn't at fault for the error, and I went on to introduce many features on the show which you now see copied on British TV. For example, the "Blue Peter ‘Bring and Buy’ sale" was an initiative I piloted in Tanzania, and the format of 'Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow' is largely a replica of the tribal lynching of rebels which was always a huge hit at the end of each Saturday evening's show. Eventually I was head-hunted by Far Eastern media moguls, who offered me a job as the stunt man testing out each new contest idea on Japanese game shows. With a heavy heart I packed my bags and waved goodbye to Tanzania, but I know that if I am ever to go back there I shall be revered in much the same way that Albanians express their love for Norman Wisdom. But, it was off to Japan for the chance of a lifetime, and I'll tell you more about that in next week's lecture..."

Fury as Hanham pulps former pupil

The Leyland St Mary's chemistry department is facing further investigation after it was discovered that one of its former pupils was savagely destroyed in order to produce a top-selling gentlemens' after-shave.

The Richard James range has been a huge hit since its launch in 2003, with Pierce Brosnan and Ewan McGregor both reported as being keen users of the brand, but it was only revealed today that the key ingredient of the £34.99 fragrance is the remains of a 19-year old punk-rock fanatic from Euxton of the same name.

William Hanham, head of science at the Leyland establishment, is alleged to have been the man responsible for the youngster's cull. Rumours surfacing in the Chorley Citizen and Village Visitor claim that Hanham enticed James into the "smokers' room" on the premise that the room contained all the hair dye he could consume, before reducing the six foot three giant to nothing more than a pulp through a severe verbal-volleying. His remains were then bottled and tastefully packaged, with a scented candle made from James' own earwax also a popular seller and available now at a reasonable price from market sellers on eBay.

The school had no comment to make regarding its latest alleged attack of brutality, but a statement on a leading perfume-related web site gave a glowing review of the controversial fragrance, claiming:
"Richard James releases a super cool signature fragrance range to suit the sophisticated man. The fragrance is fresh with notes of Bergamot and Green Tea and smooth with Lavender, finishing with notes of warm Suede. Richard James is definitely for the new breed of gentleman."


Errington's bus pass "libelous" says Day

Anthony Errington may be forced to step off the spacecraft known only as the "Blue Bus" and make the twelve mile round trip to school on foot after headmaster Trevor Day made a shock claim that the gifted year nine pupil's bus pass was potentially libelous.

"Ergh-hurrrrrrrrrrrrrr", sighed the Fylde CC veteran, as he steadied himself before launching one of his cutting but ultimately meaningless rhetorical one-liners.
"Look at that Lancashire County Council badge - somebody might take offence to that".

It was lucky that the assertion was made in front of wannabe hack Adrian Ward, who was later able to run to the press with the astonishing revelation. Ward was standing alongside Rob Bethell just outside the enquiries window of the school office as the duo received a moderately tame rollocking from Day and his key English department staff member Steve "A'rite cherubs" Christer for accusing Paul Marsden of fancying Lauren Kent and suggesting that the school was overstaffed (following an emotionally-charged rallying cry from head of geography Jack Gillett).

The disciplinary hearing was interrupted momentarily by an office assistant fuelled by her own sense of self-importance, who asked if the accused and accusers could get back to class and re-convene at break-time to allow them to conduct some important filing, but Day held firm as he droned on about something or other... oh yeah, banning magazines/web sites etc, and saying how Errington was breaking the law.

So it looks as though the New Street to Royal Avenue journey is going to take set one's brightest light a little longer in weeks to come.

Governers defend death by firing squad for miscreants

The school governers have denied any wrong-doing after eleven pupils and one incomprehensible teacher were shot dead by firing squad after misbehaving at Meymac's 'Club Crazy' activity camp.

Ann Ward, known as a harsh disciplinarian on the governing body, told RSL Online that the killings were part of "standard proceedure" for dealing with unruly pupils (and of course under-performing staff members), and that the practice would continue.

Shocking images taken by a throwaway camera depicted the condemned dozen standing on a plank above shark-infested water just moments before their "not-before-time"ly deaths. It is believed that the new disciplinary system could be used to settle the long running Dunne/Woodward dispute if matters continue to cause extended queues at the vending machines.

New sex scandal blights "activity holiday of a lifetime"

The returning Meymac troopers have been hit by another sex scandal, hot on the heels of the "hush hush nudge nudge wink wink" Bates/Martin affair that everyone claims to know about but actually doesn't.

This time a more homo-erotic incident has hit the headlines, with four of set two's brightest lights accused of a steaming male orgy in a dimly-lit dormatory.

Mark Billington, Nick Crowther, Chris Keenan and Steven Young were caught engaging in a variety of depraved acts by an undercover cameraman, including pulling back each other's pants elastic in order to gain sensual pleasure from the pain to the waist/stomach area, and Billington and Crowther were seen to be in the middle of, well, just look at the bloody picture.

Sherliker predicts exciting musical years to come

Elf-haired Richard Sherliker has expressed his delight at the explosion of exciting new music which is set to hit the airwaves over the next half-dozen years.

Speaking from his Meymac hide-out, Sherliker's face was a picture of sheer unadulterated joy as he spoke of the enthralling new sounds which will be available in formats known as 'mp3' and 'iPod' which could - rumour has it - surpass the cassette as the cool way to listen to your favourite tunes.

"I suppose Idlewild and Snow Patrol will be alright," sighed the Clayton-le-Woods teenager in a manner that barely concealed his excitement.
"But anything I don't listen to will be wank."

Goldie Lookin' Chain: The Early Years

Exhaustive searches have revealed one of the earliest known pictures of Goldie Lookin' Chain in their youth.

The snap was taken in the Yorkshire hillside on a year nine trip to White Scar Caves, where the band were able to "discover ourselves, like".

Eagle-eyed readers will have already spotted a youthful-looking Mystikal in the background - or "Rodney Birchall" as he was then known - and of course the baseball-cap wearing urchin is a young Huey Morgan of Fun Lovin' Criminals fame, who gave the band some sterling advice which has got them to where they are today.

Davidson accused of failings in scrummage coaching

Former Football Conference forward Norman Davidson has come under stinging attacks from coaches of both rugby codes after Leyland St Mary's High School's year seven rugby league team displayed a basic lack of understanding of the fundamentals of scrummaging during an inter-school tournament.

The Royal Avenue institution was playing host to the South Ribble Schools invitational rugby event on Wednesday afternoon when the team's flaws were fatally exposed, most tellingly in the game against Wellfield, which was abandoned after the St Mary's pack was said to be 'shit scared' of scrummaging and refused to bind properly despite lengthy protestation from the officials.

One youngster - who refused to be named - told this site that his side's reluctance to follow accepted practice stemmed from the archaic methods of coaching employed during 50 minute PE sessions, which are now inevitably shortened to just 25 minutes on a regular basis after changing, litter picking and manic Scotch bollockings are taken into account. The supposed prop forward said:
"The only time we ever get to practice rugby in any form is like, twice, ever, in five years at school. We've already had our two sessions of it, so we'll never get any chance to get any better, and we're scared of playing against other schools. We don't even know which code of rugby we're meant to be playing because all we ever do it pass the ball to each other, forwards as well as backwards, and occasionally we're told to make three man scrums in a position that is dangerously close to the fencing of our new all-weather (except heavy rain and frost) astroturf pitch, and in the rutted ground safely away from the sacrosanct flooded football pitch. We've seen games on TV where there are more than three people in the scrum, but because we can't tell which type of rugby is which, when the ref asked us to scrum down against Wellfield we just panicked because we just had no idea now many of us were meant to get involved, and what exactly we were meant to do once we'd locked together."

As our exclusive photograph shows, panic engulfed the minds and faces of the St Mary's pack as they were ordered to take their positions, with props Nick Townsend and Andy Woodward forced to carry hooker Steven McCartney on their shoulders after he fainted in fear of what was to come. An onlooker from a much better rugby-playing school commented:
"You could see fundamental problems in the way St Mary's had prepared for this event. For a start, their skull caps were woefully un-protective, and second rower Nat Hill didn't even have the same kit as his team mates. To add insult to almost certain injury, he also had no idea that there are only supposed to be three men in the front row. At least he had the guts to get involved though, as the other second row and the loose forward had both run off to Mrs Tolley, which, unusually, was something that Andrew Woodward didn't do for a change.
"The whole event was just a shambles. At one end of the ground, they didn't even have a proper set of posts so they just cobbled together something vaguely resembling the 'H' shape by putting a table between two speakers, which conveniently doubled up as a PA system so that Mr Gardner could make snide comments about the game while it was taking place. Despite the excellent media facilities on offer which included a PC with network connections to K2 and the French departments computer lab, most of the seats faced the pitch at a ridiculous angle, or in the wrong direction completely, and as for the officials, their equipment was dire. The touch judge's flag didn't even have the flag bit - it was just a stick that he held out to direct players, but nobody could see it properly so it was just a waste of time."

When asked to comment on his team's performance at the post tournment press conference, coach Davidson revealed:
"They looked like Morecambe reserves youth team when half of them were in Barbados because the police were after them."

When it became apparent that some members of the assembled press - most notably the Chorley Guardian's Gary York - were failing to take full attention of Davidson's comments, the under fire teacher exclaimed:
"Somebody's chatting while I am - how very diabolical! But, there ye go."

Nicholas Parsons of the Lancashire Evening Post and Bryan Potter of the Chorley Citizen both plugged Davidson on his organisation of the event, asking whether he felt he should resign in light of his recent failings. However, his response was as terse as ever.
"Mr Nicholas and Bryan! I would shout at you. I could say this to you - no. But I won't say it."

McElroy denies insanity

Renowned chemist Phil McElroy has moved swiftly to refute rumours circulating on internet message boards and in scurrilous high school magazines that suggest he is clinically insane.

The former care worker spoke movingly at a hastily-arranged press conference in Room 22 at Leyland St Mary's High School, and declared to the world's press in a room lit by bunsen burners that he had all the capabilities to make it as a renowned chemistry teacher by admitting "I haven't lost anyone's books since 1987".

Shielding from the glare of numerous flash-bulbs behind one of those flimsy perspex screens designed to protect pupils from more 'dangerous' experiments, he admitted:
"Everywhere I go now I get followed by sparrows and stuff. I am a plant - wahey! Poly means lots, such as polytechnic or polyputthekettleon."

He spoke with passion and a raw energy witnessed by few since the days when Mrs Chappell would scream "chaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggge" in the broadest Norfolk accent known to man, and just as he looked to finally be speaking sense - "If we get done today what we get done..." - he was cut off in his prime by the intrusion of Jackie McAndrew storming into the room screaming "He was sacked OK, now fuck off!". Realising her error, she performed a quick about turn and resumed her sampling class in K1, teaching prospective new pupils about the importance of mouse practice on aging Macintosh consoles. Concerned about the wellbeing of his colleague, McElroy called down the corridor after her "If you want some fresh air, go and get it, but remember to open the window first."

Suddenly becoming aware that he had double booked the press conference during an important year eleven chemistry GCSE class, the avid Manchester United supporter called for a quick halt to proceedings. Addressing hot-shot reporter Adrian Ward by his real name of Chris, he concluded:
"Now it's time for an experiment - we want cheese."

Dean to revolutionise Barnsley's fortunes

Wannabe Barnsley manager Phil Dean has unveiled his new youth team squad that is set to take South West Yorkshire football by storm.

At a press conference held in Science Room 23 at Leyland St Mary's High School, the madly-spoken Yorkshireman was heard using adjectives such as "fantastic" and, erm, "fantastic" loads and loads of times, over and over again.

"It's fantastic," declared the erratic biologist, as he unveiled his new squad, known by the nickname of 7A. "Absolutely fantastic".

Dean failed to elaborate further on his thoughts for the forthcoming season, simply grinning like a Cheshire cat as he strolled off down towards the tech room muttering excited phrases such as "enzymes" and "Tord Grip".

Players to look out for in the new set-up include crack forward Rick Sherliker, defensive rock Kevin Foster (recruited from the Harlem Globetrotters Basketball Academy) and midfield hard-man Rachael Flowers.