TONIGHT 10/23 we are playing pick up games, 13th & Wayne 6 pm
Grey Cup Saturday if the rains don’t come!
First, a BIG THANK YOU to Mike Noble and Carl Antonucci for having the Victory Party at SB3 Saturday. What a nice facility and fun and bonding was had by all, right Jim Witsch?
Once again TONIGHT 10/23 we are playing pick up games, 13th & Wayne 6 pm
Grey Cup Saturday if the rains don’t come!
Saturday, October 25th Grey Cup Walts vs Boyz 12 noon at 13th & Wayne
and Zekes vs Nats 12 noon at 2nd & Pennsylvania.
The championship game will be immediatley following with the winners playing at 13th & Wayne.
We most likely will have refreshments to follow.
Message from the Codger Board:
If you want to make a donation toward the Steve "Buzz" Brandon Benefit, You can give to either of the Dick's and or Randy Martin either tonight or at the games on Saturday OR if you want to go to the Benefit and donate on Saturday, GREAT!!!
Message from Dick Walsh: I still have a ball glove, probably from the first game on last Tuesday who’s owner left without it. It kept me awake all night sobbing because it felt neglected. If the insensitive owner will contact me and reclaim it within 24 hours I will not have to report this to the ECEA (Erie Chapter of Equipment Abusers). You may not have heard of this organization before. It’s new.
Also, did anyone at the party on Saturday pick a pair of eye glasses that appeared to be left behind or maybe resembled their own? One of us is without the pair he brought. He would like them back...even thought he didn’t hit very well with them.
Message from Randy Martin: Guy's I put a lot of new jokes and stories on our Comedy Central. Just scroll down the main page of our web site to see them!!!
This is really great - Everyone should watch this!!!
Star Spangled Banner As You've Never Heard It - YouTube
Just click on the flag picture to see the video.
It's worth watching !!!
"Buzz" Steve Brandon a "True Blue Codger".
The party will now start at 2:00pm instead of 4:00pm
Steve continues to improve everyday. it will take some time but great progress has already been made. Thank you for all your positive thoughts and prayers.
Patty Brandon (Buzz's Sister)TomczakSteve Brandon
Buzz Update…What a great day! I took my brother out in the car and went to McDonalds and got lunch. We rode down to the beach and sat in the car and ate while watching the world go by. There was one lonely sailboat on the bay today. lol We left there and rode by Eduardo's Tavern so Steve could see the sign about him, then back to ForestView for his afternoon rehab. It was great to get him out..Steve continues to work hard.
The Codger Schedule for the balance of the season is as follows: We will play two shifts at 13th & Wayne 6:00 & 7:30, we will play 1 nine inning game (5 runs max per inning) all the same rules.
Tuesday 10/7 6:00 Zekes vs Walts GREY CUP Saturday 10/18 Fields TBA
7:30 Nats vs Boyz
Thursday 10/9 6:00 Zekes vs Boyz
7:30 Nats vs Walts
Tuesday 10/14 6:00 Walts vs Boyz
7:30 Zekes vs Nats
Thursday 10/16 6:00 Boyz vs Nats
7:30 Walts vs Zekes
Here is s video from Channel 12 of one of our night festivities at 11 and Hess. We meet at 5:30 for practice time before the games that start at 6:00. We are currently playing at 11th and 12 and Hess. The 11th street field will be renovated with work on the field and putting up new dugouts and fences for the next year's season,. so if you come looking for a game at this field go to the 13th and Wayne field for the rest of the season.
PICTURES WERE TAKEN BY MIKE KIEFFER
Hi Codgers. Please send your prayers for Rick and his Family!
For our old Codgers, you may have noticed that Rick Stoutamyer has not been at our practices and our 1st game this year. For our New Codgers, we are more than just a bunch of guy's that get together to play ball!!
Sorry for my absence. My family has had some medical problems this summer. My wife was diagnosed with cancer. Then my father fell and broke his hip and ankle. Now my daughter is hospitalized for treatment for her multiple sclerosis. So I've been running all over the state to help them out. I'm in Philly right now with my daughter. Don't know yet when the dust is going to settle on all this. I do want to play ball this year, but I just can't predict yet when I'll get back to Erie.I will try to keep you posted.
Thanks Guy's, Randy Martin
I spoke to Rick today 10/17/14! He sounded great! He might be home soon for a while to be with his wife that is doing better these days. Has some more things to do with his daughter and his dad in November down in Chambersburgh? and Philly . He said he misses all of you Guy's and can't wait for next Season!!!
BOB SYDOW ALS CHALLANGE 8/19/2014
You do not need to belong to watch this video, just click on the link below. Once you are into facebook you will have to scroll down to see Bob getting drenched with ice water!!!
RULES FOR THE ERIE CODGERS SOFTBALL LEAGUE
Latest Revision: August 7, 2014
ARTICLE I – PURPOSES
The softball league was founded on two basic principles – good sportsmanship and good fellowship.
The league motto shall be “Many are called, All are chosen.” The league has the right to expect members to embrace and display the highest standards of conduct and ethics, and demand that its members refrain from conduct that could injure the league or its purposes. This code of conduct and ethics, which appears in Article III, establishes parameters within which members can compete in a positive atmosphere while promoting fair play and sportsmanship.
Failure to comply with this code may result in Discipline, which is dealt with under “Disciplinary Procedure” in Article IV.
ARTICLE II – MEMBERSHIP
Membership is open to any individual who reaches his/her fifty (50th) birthday any time during the calendar year. Accordingly, anyone who turns 50 at any time during the year may play – even if his/her birthday occurs after the playing season ends.
Membership may not be denied on the basis of race, gender, sexual orientation or physical challenge.
ARTICLE III – CODE OF CONDUCT AND ETHICS
Each member shall:
Conduct himself in a manner considered reasonable to community behavior, and befitting a good sport.
Comply with all league rules, and commissioners’ decisions.
Treat all players, officials and spectators with fairness, respect and courtesy.
Not engage in un-sportsman-like activities or in any misconduct while involved in a league activity.
Only discuss their league problems with their manager. Managers then may take their concerns to the next level.
For the purpose of this code, un-sportsman-like conduct includes but is not limited to the following: (1) unfair, unethical or dishonorable conduct (2) any act which discredits or disgraces the league (3) vulgar, abusive or disrespectful language (4) attempts to intimidate (5) a flagrantly violent act, which could cause injury to an individual (6) taunting (7) persistent violation of any league rule.
Further, the following specific acts are strictly forbidden: (1) players persistently arguing a team manager’s decisions (2) use of alcohol or smoking tobacco of any form on the playing field, in dugouts or bench areas (3) fighting (4) overt public criticism of a player’s physical and/or mental errors.
ARTICLE IV – DISCIPLINARY PROCEDURE
The Commissioners or coaches will present the proscribed discipline to the offender.
ARTICLE V – RULES
NSA: The NSA Rule Book shall be the criterion for all rules not specifically addressed by the rules adopted by this league. In the event of a conflict between the NSA rules and the rules of this league, which are part of this document, the league rules shall clearly supersede the NSA Rule Book.
During the 1st through 6th innings, a side will be retired when it makes 3 outs or scores 5 runs, whichever occurs first. The 5 run rule does not apply during the 7th or higher innings.
If a home run were hit over the outfield fence and that run would account for more than the allotted five (5) runs per inning, the offensive team can only credit five (5) runs.
A player who begins a game will remain in the lineup for the entire game both offensively and defensively. If a player is injured, he must be removed from the lineup for the remainder of the game. (The intent of this rule is to discourage substitution of better players in place if poorer players for competitive reasons.)
All players in the lineup must bat.
BASE RUNNING SAFETY:
Runners who go to a base when a play is being made there will be called out. The runner is responsible for avoiding all collisions at a base when a play is being made there and must run outside or inside the baseline as necessary to do so.
Two squares shall be placed on either side 2nd and 3rd bases to denote where an advancing runner is to go in the event of a play. The runner is responsible for avoiding collisions/contact at the bases. Failure to comply will result in the runner being called out. If a base runner advances toward a base or returning to a base misses the base in order to avoid a collision, he shall be considered safe provided that he reaches the carpet prior to the fielder gaining control of the ball while in contact with the base.
Runners going to first base must run to the outer base when a play is being made unless to do so will cause contact. The fielder must touch the base.
All base runners are allowed to run beside second and third base but must return to touch the base before advancing.
A base runner may overrun any base by making the turn to the next base. In doing so, he is in jeopardy of being put out on a force play when returning to the base.
Unless the base is blocked by a fielder, runners shall touch all bases when advancing. A player who fails to touch a base is liable to be called out on appeal.
All plays are considered force outs including runners returning to a base after a reverse.
Runners may be tagged out but this is discouraged.
A base runner advancing from 1st to 2nd or 2nd to 3rd or returning to 3rd, 2nd, or 1st may be put out by the fielder touching the base while having possession of the ball before the base runner touches the carpet.
No tag is permitted at home plate; instead a separate home plate is used. Touching the regular home plate is an automatic out.
NO SLIDING. Automatic out.
When a player is injured, all play stops. Runners continue to the base they were advancing toward and stop there.
In rundowns only one reversal is allowed between bases. Any movement toward a previously touched base is a reversal but to stop is not a reversal. Once a reversal is made, the runner must retouch the base he reversed toward before he can advance. For a double reverse or not retouching the preceding base upon reversing, the runner shall be declared out immediately and play shall be stopped; however runners may advance at their own risk.
Runners who are returning to a base may overrun said base.
Base runners may advance a maximum of one base beyond the one they are going to on an overthrow into the dugout or out of the field of play.
Runners who leave the base before a ball is hit are OUT!
No player will have a courtesy runner without his permission.
A courtesy runner shall not be used because a person is slow.
The courtesy runner, running from Home to 1st, will start facing the Backstop, behind an imaginary line extended from the Left Field Foul Line and may advance as far as play will allow.
The courtesy runner will be the batter who made the last out unless that batter used a courtesy runner and/or is unable to run. Then it will be the next previous batter who made an out. If it is a new inning the runner will be the individual who made the last out in the previous inning. There is no limit on courtesy runners per inning.
If the leadoff batter in the first inning of a game requires a courtesy runner, that runner shall be the player furthest down in the lineup who is able to run. For example, the leadoff batter in a game is unable to run and the player furthest down in the lineup who bats 13th is unable to run, then the 12th player in the lineup becomes the courtesy runner, if he is able to run.
A player may not be used as courtesy runner more than one time per inning.
If a player being used as a courtesy runner is the scheduled batter, he shall be replaced on base and take his turn batting.
D DEFENSIVE RULES:
Only six (6) players are permitted to be on the dirt portion of the infield in line with the baselines. More than six (6) players in the infield will result in the runners being awarded one (1) base on the pitch.
Deep outfielders must remain outside of the NO-FLY ZONE until a pitched ball is hit or crosses home plate.
An additional outfield rover will be added to make a total of 6 outfielders. At no time will there be more than 3 outfielders on the right field or left field side of an imaginary line extending from home plate through second base to the center field fence.
The maximum number of defensive players shall be thirteen (13.) Managers shall make reasonable efforts to have thirteen (13) players per team but may agree to play with less than thirteen (13). Both teams shall use the same number of defensive players.
LENGTH OF GAME: All games are seven (7) innings unless the teams are tied at the end of seven innings. Games may be shortened by the managers during inclement weather.
LEGAL PITCH: A legal pitch for the league shall be a minimum height of six (6) feet from the ground and a maximum of twelve (12) feet.
REQUEST TO CHANGE TEAMS: A player who wants to change teams must
submit a written request to the league Commissioner.
BAT WARMERS: Bat warmers will not be permitted.
BASE COACHES: Base coaches must be familiar with Codger rules as they pertain to that function. The First base coach will call Illegal Pitches as well as plays at 1st and Home. The Third base coach will call all plays at 2nd and 3rd. The third base coach will call “infield flies”. A base coach may request assistance from the other base coach if he desires. The decision of these coaches cannot be argued.
If there is no more than one out with runners on first and second, or all three bases and a batter hits a pop fly, in fair territory, on the infield, the 3rd base coach immediately rules it an infield fly, the batter is out. Base runners cannot be forced to advance.
PLAYERS RISK: Each player must understand that he is playing at his own risk. The league does not provide team or individual insurance for injuries. All players must sign a release form.
INSURANCE: The League provides liability insurance to the City of Erie.
BATTING PLAYERS: A team must bat all available players who come to the game.
Grey Cup Eligibility: A player must participate in eight (8) games to be eligible to play in the Grey Cup.
WALKS: As this is a recreational league, intentional walks are not permitted. Further, all managers are to discourage their pitchers from pitching around a batter.
COMMIT LINE: A commitment line shall be located halfway between third base and home plate extending 6 feet into foul territory. When a runner touches or crosses the commitment line, the runner must continue home.
CROSSING COMMIT LINE: Once a runner crosses the Commitment Line, there will be a No Tag play at home plate. The defensive player must have possession of the ball while touching home plate or the Strike Zone Mat after the runner has crossed the Commitment line but has not touched the Scoring Mat.
SCORING MAT: A scoring Mat shall be placed 8 feet to the left of home plate in line with the first base line.
STRIKE ZONE: A mat will cover the pointed section of home plate to designate the strike zone.
BALLS AND STRIKES: The catcher will call balls, strikes, and foul balls. He may request assistance from the 1st or 3rd base coaches as appropriate when he is unable to see whether a ball is foul or fair. His decision cannot be argued.
PITCHING REGULATIONS: The Strike Zone Mat will be used. Legal pitches striking any portion of the mat of plate will be strikes. The height of a legal pitch from the playing surface must be between 6 and 12 feet. A batter may swing at an illegal pitch but it may not be called strike if he does not swing at it.
BATTING: The batter has one strike on him when he comes to the plate. He is entitled to two more strikes. A batter can pick up a strike by a called strike, a swing and miss, or a foul ball. A batter shall walk on four balls.
DUES COLLECTION: Each team manager or his designee will collect the league dues from each player and turn it in to the league treasurer after the fourth (4th) game of the season. A complete team roster will be turned in to the league at the same time.
COMPETITIVE IMBALANCE RESOLUTION: If the Commissioner feels there is competitive imbalance, it has the right to move volunteer players from team to team.
From Bruce's "Sticky Note Central"
(He Should Have More Sticky Notes On His Dash Board!!!
Subject:Return of 8 Great Tuesday Softball
Reply-To: "Richard Walsh" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Evening League practice for 50 and over "Guys" will begin at 6PM on this Tuesday at 2nd and Cherry...We will also take "Guy's who are 49 and in the womb and will be 50 by the end of this year can also sign up to play... Once again, we wnat to thank the cooperation from the City of Erie Parks Department. This will allow us to have a full evening of enjoyment. ...first with softball and then male bonding, including beverages and pizza, while listening to the music from the amphitheater on the bay.
Thursdays we will play at 11th or 12th and Hess. Actual field may vary each time. I suggest you ignore your mothers’ advice, in this one instance, and follow the crowd.
We expect to be and 2nd & Cherry until the 8 Great Tuesdays are complete at which time we will advise all where practices will continue.
As the City has cooperated with us, we need to cooperate with the City. We all must sign the insurance waiver form before stepping onto the field of play. So please make this a priority when you get to the field. We’ll have forms for all four teams; so, sign the form for the team you were on last year. New guys, sign any form and you will be placed on a team later.
Your Friendly Commissioners
Bruce, Randy, DicknDick.
p.s. we would also like for everyoune to also make sure to register on the Erie Codger web site please at http://www.leaguelineup.com/FormPreview.asp?url=codgers&sid=721551460&FormID=53335 Please make sure to fill in as much info as you can. It would be great if you have an email and would use this. Otherwise you will have to either keep an ear open at the field or call carpetowne at 814-445-3981 to find out any info for games etc... Also, if your data information changes during the season, please re register so I can update our listing. Thanks, Randy Martin 814-898-1929 email@example.com
Attention all: If you want any Codger gear please order it on line.
Our new guy's, our uniform is a jersey and the black hat. I expect to be paid as I hand over your stuff. I would like to take care of exchaning gear and money after the games. If I have to do this before the game I will not have time to warm up for the games! Thanks, Randy Martin
PS. for those who don't have a computer, just give me a call at 814-898-1929 and I will place the order. Order soon if you want this for Christmas. You can pick your order up at Carpetowne when it is ready!
April Birthdays: Bob Dzikowdki, Jim Potter, Rick Schaffnit, Kent Sivillo, Fred Solomon, Bob Sydow, Dick Walsh, Pete Wier If we don't have your picture, we've substituted someone who looks like you.
Send us your picture, so we can see the real you (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Who's next?...Keep watching
Enjoy life now - it has an expiration date
Hey Guys, if you are up early in the morning, go listen Bruce's son Randy Baumann on DEV radio from 6 - 10am. Just click on the picture of DVE above. This will play the radio station live at any time to hear Randy Baumann's show once again from 6 - 10am, enjoy!!!
I (Randy Martin) have been using a cream/gel anti inflaitory that has been working great for me (I use is on my knee, neck, back, muscles)... I have been giving it out one person at a time (it seems to be working for the guy's I've gave it to them). I've decided to just put it on the web site for all.
Here is the info on the anti inflammatory cream I was telling you about. You must get a script from your Dr. for them.
2936 West 17th St. Erie, PA 16505
Call the pharmcist there!. If you would and you get to talk to him, let him know that you got this info from me. He will work with your Dr. t get him the info on the script below.
The compound below is what I call the Hi Test of anti-inflamatory cream/muscle relaxer/nerve pain. This one works the best for me!!!
KETOP/BACLO/GABAP 10/2/6% PLO GEL
Here is a description of the ingredients in the Hi Test gel above.
Ketoprofen – non steroid anti inflammatory
Balclofen – muscle relaxer
Gabapentin – nerve pain med.
Transdermal Gels for Pain, PLO - Pluronic Lecithin Organogels are used for transdermal delivery of various medications. Medications most commonly used are anti-inflammatories, muscle relaxers, nerve blockers, local anesthetics, hormones and anti-emetics.
When using anti-inflammatories, PLO's deliver a high concentration of the drug to the desired site. Studies have shown up to 100 times higher NSAID synovial fluid concentrations when compared to NSAID blood levels. It allows for quick onset of action, three to five minutes, while bypassing the gastrointestinal tract for those patients at risk of the side effects most commonly seen using oral anti-inflammatories
ATTENTION: ALL YOU CAN GO ONLINE AND ORDER A GAME JERSEY A CODGER DRESS SHIRT OR ANY OTHER SHIRT AND A HAT (BRUCE WANTS THE BLACK HAT AS OUR STANDARD HAT!!!). WE WOULD LIKE ALL OF THE GUYS TO HAVE AND WEAR THEIR JERSEYS TO ALL THE SEASON GAMES. IF YOU DO NOT HAVE THE INTERNET OR ARE HAVING TROUBLE ORDERING YOUR CODGER SHIRT AND HAT ON LINE ON OUR WEB SITE, CATCH UP WITH RANDY MARTIN AT THE FIELD OR 898-1929 OR AT email@example.com
If you can't make a game - click on, Email Your Coach, under main menu to the left
Guys I am now keeping the current roster sheet up on our web site under the handouts under the main menue to the left. The handouts section is password protected. I will give this password to anyone on the roster if you email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
it works great!
Just clinck on them map which will let you move your cursor around the map and see what the current
temperatures and weather conditions are in ...
cities all over the
Thank Jim Witsch
Category: Pilot Weather, CWSU National TAF METAR Map Displays of current weather observations and forecasts
Don't hesitate to share. I get lot's of emails and jokes and video from you! I don't have time to go look for all these things, so THANKS / send me any jokes by clicking on my email address email@example.com
Take the Penalty!
Friends are Welcome
An old cowboy was riding his trusty horse followed by his faithful dog along an
The cowboy was enjoying the new scenery, when he
suddenly remembered dying, and realized the dog beside him had been
dead for years, as had his horse.
Confused, he wondered what was happening, and where the trail was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall that looked like fine marble
at the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch topped by a golden
letter "H" that glowed in the sunlight.
Standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like
mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like gold.
He rode toward the gate,and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
Parched and Tired out by his journey, he called out; 'Excuse me, where are
we?''This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to
have some water?' the man asked. 'Of course, sir. Come right in, and
I'll have some ice water brought right up.'As the gate began to open,
the cowboy asked; 'Can I bring my partners, too?''I'm sorry, sir, but
we don't accept pets.'The cowboy thought for a moment, then turned
back to the road and continued riding, his dog trotting by his
After another long ride, at the top of another hill, he came to a
dirt road leading through a ranch gate that looked as if it had never
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree
and reading a book. 'Excuse me,' he called to the man. 'Do you have
any water?''Sure, there's a pump right over there. Help yourself.'
How about my friends here?'the traveler gestured to the dog and his
horse.'Of course! They look thirsty, too,' said the man.
The trio went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned
hand pump with buckets beside it.
The traveler filled a cup and the buckets with wonderfully cool water
and took a long drink, as did his horse and dog.
When they were full, he walked back to the man who was still standing by
the tree;'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.'This is Heaven,' he
answered.'That's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the
road said that was Heaven, too.''Oh, you mean the place with the
glitzy, gold street and fake pearly gates? That's hell.''Doesn't it
make you angry when they use your name like that?''Not at all.
Actually, we're happy they screen out the folks who would leave their
best friends behind...
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse &
leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in
ourstore. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are
documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a
reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union
grievance,causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look'
using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile;
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
If you don't send this to your dearest friends; You will be depriving them
of some good humor.
thought these might make you smile...
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did
This one is more serious
A young man sprinkling his lawn and bushes with pesticides wanted to check the contents of the barrel to see how much pesticide remained in it. He raised the cover and lit his lighter; the vapors inflamed and engulfed him. He jumped from his truck, screaming. His neighbor came out of her house with a dozen eggs, yelling: "bring me some eggs!" She broke them, separating the whites from the yolks. The neighbor woman helped her to apply the whites on the young man's face. When the ambulance arrived and when the EMTs saw the young man, they asked who had done this. Everyone pointed to the lady in charge. They congratulated her and said: "You have saved his face." By the end of the summer, the young man brought the lady a bouquet of roses to thank her. His face was like a baby's skin.
Healing Miracle for burns:
Keep in mind this treatment of burns which is included in teaching beginner fireman this method. First aid consists to spraying cold water on the affected area until the heat is reduced and stops burning the layers of skin. Then, spread egg whites on the affected area.
One woman burned a large part of her hand with boiling water. In spite of the pain, she ran cold faucet water on her hand, separated 2 egg white from the yolks, beat them slightly and dipped her hand in the solution. The whites then dried and formed a protective layer.
She later learned that the egg white is a natural collagen and continued during at least one hour to apply layer upon layer of beaten egg white. By afternoon she no longer felt any pain and the next day there was hardly a trace of the burn. 10 days later, no trace was left at all and her skin had regained its normal color. The burned area was totally regenerated thanks to the collagen in the egg whites, a placenta full of vitamins.
Somehow, you just always knew it was out there - somewhere...........
just click on the picture to see the short video
Seriously?? So I'm at Wal-mart buying a bag of dog food. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. "I'm starting the dog food diet again. I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. I lost 50 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms." I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. "All you do is load your pockets with food nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I am going to try it again." (I should add that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, this woman asked if I ended up in ICU because the dog food poisoned me. I told her, "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt, and a car hit me." I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
To My Old-As-Dirt Friends & Relatives who qualify as "old as dirt".
For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, Here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.
They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each contain 1 line of a 4 line couplet.....
And the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.
DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
DROVE TOO LONG
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
AROUND THE CURVE
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
HE SAW THE TRAIN
AND TRIED TO DUCK IT
HE KICKED THE GAS
AND THEN THE BUCKET !!
A MAN A MISS,
A CAR A CURVE,
HE KISSED THE MISS,
AND MISSED THE CURVE,
Do these bring back any old memories ?
If not, you're merely young!!!
If they do - then you're old as dirt. LIKE ME!
Have a great day!
Wisdom From Grandpa - -
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial rates;
And blamed it on the cost of 'living'.
If you haven't got a smile on your face
And laughter in your heart,
Then you are just a sour old fart!
"Have a Great Day, unless you've made other plans"