San Francisco Diablos
Diablos win 11-6 behind spot start from good ol' Oil Can Lary
"...And tonight I think he might be able to use that aching old arm one more time to push the sun back up in the sky and give us one more day of summer."
- Vin Scully
This past Sunday your Diablos earned a hard fought victory over the Rays 11-6. Did Brother use his 13th different lineup in 12 games? Yes. Did it include using the oldest starting pitcher in Diablos history? YOU BET! With summer in full swing and players out of town Kemmith “Oil Can” Lary answered the bell and toed the slab. Read below to find out how the Diablos backed him for his first victory since the invention of the wheel.
There were many contributions up and down the lineup. David Gerald Bobby IV came back from his SoCal sabbatical rested and ready to scoot around the bases. His usual tweaker style of play got a few runs scored, but the question remains…Where is the pink bat bag? Answer the question! HerbaJoe Chaika exploited a start by bringing his stud nephew JJ to the game. He then went and stroked the ball all around the park. He also manned the hot corner and never got a single bullet while Ol’ number 11 was pitching. PR Sainz continued his second half surge and also pleaded with the book keepers on a coupe questionable calls. Obviously Louis G’s stat whoring is rubbing off. Ya know they have pills for that. Mr Sarabia had a 5-hit game all lined up and then got a pitch square off his foot. He also covered both 1B and 2B and looked damn good doin’ it. Nick Lee got the start in CF and it lasted all of 3 innings before he made a dive for a fly ball that ended up popping his shoulder out. The bright side is he did it before President Drumpf found a way to charge him $50k for an ER visit. Get well soon. Kyle Say Hay made his triumphant return from the birth of his daughter(picture below) and swung the bat like the father of a new born. Tired, tired, tired. Luckily he consulted Brooksy and dropped in a texas leaguer for 2 RBI’s. Imbo had a fine day with the bat. He squared everything up. Even his outs were loud. Then he dropped in some Liberty Court baserunning to even everything out. His day got even worse when Bird knocked him down the outfield assist leaderboard with 9-3 putout. Not to be outdone Brooksy hosed a runner at first in the 9th inning and reclaimed his team lead in outfield assists. Imbo now unofficially sits in 6th place for assists. Ivan Lyftdalgo donned the tools of ignorance and scored three runs. He didn’t disappoint hosing opposing baserunners and blocking ball in the dirt.
The real hero of the day was Kemo. His veteran presence is always there to calm any of these kids who need it. He’s always ready to ask someone “Why you talkin’ bout old shit?” when their head gets a little big. His extensive knowledge of medicinal remedies from years of watching Greys Anatomy is always appreciated by the creaking joints of the over 30 players. All of these factors helped him toss 5 needed innings on Sunday. Never getting too high or low during his start enabled him to get the decision. You could almost see him actually smelling a “W” while pitching thru the 5th. He also strong armed a walk and added another hit at the plate. Saying that he was Doin’ it all on Sunday is an understatement. Enjoy the win, kid. You earned it.
Diablos win 10-1 one of the worst fields ever
This past Sunday your Diablos defeated Los Orioles 10-1. Was the infield covered in evil vines from The Ruins? The jury is still out. Did the Diablos offense take as long as your uncles ’87 Iroc to warm up? YOU BET! Brother announced it was his 12th different lineup on the season. Since it was only our 11th game the early confused AB’s can be blamed on the Diablos trying to do math.
This week we’ll list notable accomplishments in order. Louis G kept his streak alive on the mound. You would be wrong if you guessed it’s the streak for most batters hit before getting ejected. He also trended his OBP in the right direction. Freddie Cox Sierra absolutely embarrassed the O’s running game. Two attempts with nobody getting close enough to slide….Ouch. He also found the best possible right fielder to hit a triple past. Coach Sainz spent most of his day running around the bases and knocking in runs. He also tried to argue that he wasn’t hit by a pitch. The ump and his ass hairs beg to differ. Mr Sarabia had the unique chance to get RBI’s with his bat and his body. Team player I tell ya. Ivan Lyftdalgo got his first start at SS and only disappointed Imbo. He also consulted Jobu for his final few AB’s and laid off the curveball. Bird had himself a day by Diablos standards. He used the Bermuda triangle infield to get a hit, He pitched a solid inning of relief and he snatched the K shirt from Imbo at the last possible moment. What a guy. Imbo finally tied Brooksy in outfield assists for the season. He also danced an amazing irish jig to try and avoid a pitch at the plate. It didn’t work.
Your Diablos now sit at 8-3 and can’t wait to see the field conditions for their next contest. Check the schedule and come out to cheer on your favorite local baseball club.
Diablos blank Pericos, Move to 7-3
This past Sunday your Diablos returned from the All-Star break and picked up right where they left off. The 5-0 victory over Pericos was the typical effort the sons of Satan have given this season. Just enough offense while Louis G shuts that ass down. Before we get to the recap a few league notes must be passed on. In order to participate in the playoffs you must have played in a minimum of 8 games during the season. Since the league is more concerned with its rule book than finding decent fields to play on please make every effort to get out to the yard. On to the game…
It started like any other Sunday for the Diablos. Brother got lost trying to find the field, Cigarettes were lit after the tape was applied and footballs were used to warm up instead of baseballs. Team attendance was unusually high for a 4th of July weekend game. One of the quotes during postgame was “You can only fish so many weekends in a row”. Also adding to the holiday weekend were the random fellas enjoying a couple of 10am 40’s in the park. To say the Diablos felt at home would be an understatement.
Brother made the announcement before the game he was going with his 10th different lineup in 10 games. We didn’t have the heart to tell him he just couldn’t remember the previous weeks lineups. Either way it was a winner. Robbie continues to hold off the inevitable decline in play caused by marriage. He stroked a solid triple that his better half witnessed this week. No Sudoku for you, Tiff! David Gerald Bobby Berning III showed up with a friggin surfboard riding shotgun. I shit you not. He may or may not believe it helps with getting access to the carpool lane. Ivan Lyftdalgo complained about nobody responding to his late night booty call texts. Obviously we won’t answer him this week either because he knocked the ball all around the yard. Imbo performed his usual pregame banter with the umpire. He even held back a few zingers which is really unlike him. What he didn’t hold back on was RBI’s and telling people to use two hands on pop ups. I haven’t heard how Brooksy is doing after being bent over TWICE in the batters box by Liberty Court base running. I guess it hurts less when it’s done by a loved one(s). Kemo earned the shirt, once again, by trying to strong arm another walk. One of these days he’ll learn not to trust Mark McGwire’s dad when he umps our games.
On the other side of the field we had another stellar start from Louis G. He is approaching Orel Hershiser territory with his current streak he’s on. I won’t jinx it here so look it up. It didn’t hurt that the one guy who kept getting on base has a strange desire to get picked off and thrown out regularly. Freddie Cox-Sierra coming off his first ejection from a little league game came out firing. He hosed two runners with the same heat he gave that shitty ump who was screwing up his kids softball game. You tell ‘em! Overall the Diablos looked strong coming off the break and now sit at 7-3.
Diablos reach All-Star Break
Hello friends. It’s been a minute since our last Diablos update and I apologize. I was on assignment covering pygmy races in the Philippines. During my absence the Diablos have put together a nice little 3 game winning streak.
Two weeks back the Diablos defeated the TJ Bandits 3-1. Louis G had the quietest 18 strikeout game ever. No seriously nobody knew it happened. The number of K’s was so stealth Lou didn’t even mention them during the postgame festivities. I actually had to count the scorebook thrice because my recollection of the game did not match what I was reading. The offense was led by Marcus “Watch and learn” Reed scorching a double and triple. Did he feel all that running the next day? I’ll never ask. Is it pretty watching him float around the bases? YOU BET! Also adding a 2-out RBI was PR Sainz. He went the other way(Something he excels at on and off the field) with 2 strikes and added a much needed insurance run. Matt “1 to 10” Lewis got his first RBI as a Diablo. His pop-up dance left something to be desired but I believe management will get him on the correct PED regimen before he fields another ball. Yeti Pacheco spent his birthday manning 1B and getting himself an On Base Percentage. His launch angle is still garbage but I’m sure he isn’t sweating it while he gets ripped off on a Gondola in Venice. Lucky bastard! Overall it was a solid win over a much improved opponent.
This past Sunday your Diablos played a Father’s Day game on the surface of the sun. I’m not kidding. We had several players look like they were going to toss their cookies. One even got snitched out by a kid on a bike when he did. A huge shout out to all the fans who made an appearance. On to the recap.
The numbers weren’t looking too good for Jarochos about 30 mins before game time. That didn’t deter the Diablos from putting in a half assed stretching session while awaiting a clown car full of players to show up. Alas no clown car appearance and the game went on as scheduled. Robbie Pardilla put together a complete game with the bat and glove. His diving snag of a line drive wasn’t enough to get Tiff to look up from her Fabio romance novel, but it sure got my juices flowing. Bird was ready to start breaking in the new catcher’s glove and then work called. Can’t believe someone needed AC work when it was 1000 degrees outside. HerbaJoe Chaika strapped on the tools of ignorance and added a solid RBI single. His day went downhill from there as Louis G hit every spot in front of home plate with a pitch. Dick move, Bro. Speaking of Louis G he tossed another complete game gem. Naturally he was upset because his OBP went down. David Gerald Bobby Berning III came back after a week off with tales of finding himself in the wilderness. The time off must of charged his batteries. Seriously I was worn out just watching this guy run around like a wild man. Kyle Say Hay must’ve mistaken Father’s Day for Halloween because damn if he didn’t look exactly like Patrick Bateman. The perfect hair and Raybans were a nice touch. All he needed was a Walkman and a knife. Brooksy hosed a dude at first from Right Field. Naturally he’ll be challenging Marcus for Centerfield next game HA. The final score was 4-1 which pushed the Diablos to 6-3 at the All-Star break.
Diablos dominate Black Sox
This past Sunday your Diablos played their most complete game of the season in beating the Black Sox 4-0. Did they leave a small village of runners on base? You know it. Did it still feel like they won 17-0? YOU BET! The contributions were far and wide. It honestly felt like the first “team” win in a while. It all started with Brooksy dropping a “Miracle” inspired speech about who the Diablos are and exactly what they can do. If this game were made into a movie that speech would be delivered by a bald eagle clutching a war torn American flag while the ghost of James Brown belted out “Living In America” just off to the side. Yeah you missed some shit. Louis G took the words to heart and pitched one his most efficient games in a Diablos uniform. He pitched to contact and let his defense work for him. He also had 5 less hit batters than last week. Yeti made an appearance and had an immediate impact. His launch angle left something to be desired but damn if he isn’t embracing the millennial lifestyle and counting his steps to and from the OF. Somewhere Clint Eastwood just grumbled “Get off my lawn”. Tomahawk Jesse showed some veteran poise in psyching out a baserunner for a double play. It was some David Blaine Street Magic shit. Honestly he may be part vampire. Yeah he put on a laser show from the batters box, but defense makes me go from 6 to 12. Bird had himself a day behind the plate and at it. Called a solid game despite having an umpire who couldn’t call a strike within 30 seconds of seeing it hit the glove. I’ve seen people come to terms with the infield fly rule faster than this guy could call a pitch. Kemo graced us with his presence after first pitch. His tale of phone battery life, white people in Brisbane and scared housewives was truly worth the price of admission. His “senior moment” on a double play grounder can be overlooked after his whirlwind adventure getting to the ball park. Brother unveiled a new tequila bag and all was right with the world for one Sunday afternoon. Join the Diablos next week as they take the field at Balboa Park. Bring a friend. Bring a stranger.
No I will not give you a recap of what happened! Poor lineup card management, trying to impress a chick and man periods all summarize the garbage that was on Sunday. If you were there I apologize for what you had to see. Refunds will be offered at a future date. A few fans were willing to go on record and this is what they had to say "I've never seen so many men on the rag before." Obviously these guys have been in close contact so much lately they are all on the same cycle. The roller coaster season continues for the Diablos who now sit at 3-3. Enjoy Memorial Day weekend.
Diablos win one for Mama
The Diablos defeated Toros Gold 8-3 this past Sunday. Yours truly was "on assignment" so I got the news over the wire. Will add details as they come in.
Diablos crawl back to .500
This past Sunday your Diablos finally found their way back to .500 with a 12-3 win over the Rockies. Today’s recap will go over each player’s contribution to the victory. The battery of Lou and Bird did a fine job limiting the Rockies death by a thousand bunts offense. What I’m most proud of is their recognition that fastballs with any pop made the umpire blink and call it a ball. They sloooooooooowed the pitches down to a crawl and began getting the calls. David Bobby Gerald Berning III continued his assault on the all-time OBP record. His unofficially OBP stands at 1.257. Someone check the math. He also earned the Imbo player of the week award(pictured above). As we expected Rob took Tiff’s name last year and his jersey now says Rodriruez. The change has not been kind to his batting eye. When asked Brother will file the paperwork to get your name back. Just gotta ask. Kyle Say Hay found himself owing his first kangaroo court fee for a called 3rd strike. He would’ve been the lucky recipient of the K-shirt, but Niko stepped in and saved the day in 9th getting his own backwards K. That's teamwork. Niko later had some trouble with the cooler, but win beers taste the same whether they’ve been shaken or stirred. Mr Sarabia continued his streak of HBP’s. Only 10 more to break the Diablos record. He also signed autographs for the kids and told them all they too could be Diablos someday. Their mother shook her head accordingly. PR Sainz pulled double duty as player/coach ala Frank Robinson. The intentional walks are where the similarities end between those two. Imbo brought his hitting stick, a huge American flag and his CF cleats. All three were helpful. Abby Mauna Maui Hidalgo got the start in LF and didn’t disappoint. He caught nothing with two hands and even pulled the old “Knock my hat off while I chase a ball so I look fast AF, but tell everyone it’s because I needed to try and make an over the shoulder catch.” That endeavor ended exactly how you would expect…….A 2B for the Rockies. Nick Lee made his Diablo debut by trying on several uniforms much like Goldilocks until he found one that was JUUUUUST RIGHT. Kemo did it all on Sunday. He marked the RBI’s in the book like a vet, worked a count to get an RBI FC and even pimped a slow baby bouncer to second. Nobody makes it look more effortless when a grounder slowly nestles itself in the bread basket than Kemo. Most importantly Brooksy was the ATM that got the umpires to stay and try their hardest. At 2-2 the Diablos have been very underwhelming this season, but all signs are pointing up. Tell yo wife, tell yo kids the Diablos playin’ Toros Gold this Sunday.
Diablos finally get a win
This past Sunday your Diablos FINALLY got their first win of the season with a 14-4 victory over Piaxtla. Did it take too long for them to break into the win column? Yes. Was Fredo’s threat of loss nudity the main factor? YOU BET!
Climbing the hill for his first start of the season was Bird Nielsen. This guy was in control from the minute he pulled up in his mom mobile. Whether it was hitting the outside corner so many times the umpire had to call it a strike or pitching through the circus tent extravaganza that was the Diablos 3rd inning defense(Hey Bobby!). He showed up with ice water in his veins and earned the victory. His only false move was pulling a Lou after the game and trying to search the book for his K stats. Bad Bird!
Even with such a stellar start from the starter the day belonged to the offense. 8-run first innings tend to overshadow everything. Especially since that eclipsed the Diablos season total of runs scored by a comfortable margin. Brother called in a few favors and had PR Jim Leyland help out with coaching. Through his cloud of Newport smoke good ol’ Jim declared “This is best lineup we’ve ever put together.” Not sure that was the truth, but the offensive explosion couldn’t have come at a better time. Kyle Say Hay continued his solid hitting, but we here at Diablos headquarters are more worried about his keister. An errant throw was a bullseye on the brown eye. His postgame football form wasn’t effected so the prognosis seems ok. David Gerald Bobby III had himself one helluva day. He smacked the ball around the yard from the box and kicked it around from the diamond. It all made sense once we found out he had a fellow San Diegan in the stands. Quit showing off. Imbo made his triumphant return from saying yes to the dress. His fashion choices and swing are still in top form. Kemo tried like hell to strong arm walks from the umpire all day. This no doubt led to his first official earning of the K-shirt. Mauna Abby Maui Hidalgo, who is an official Lyft driver, spent the morning trying to hitch a ride. The fact that he drove himself didn’t hinder his ability to get on base. His postgame make out session/wrestling match with Leyland was as sexy as it sounds. Welcome back buddy. All in all a solid day for the squad. Your Diablos attempt to make it two in a row next Sunday. Come out and enjoy an adult beverage. Bring a friend.
Diablos drop home opener
This past Sunday your Diablos returned to their old stomping grounds at Balboa Park. Visions of a conquering army returning to parades and adoring women danced through the players heads. It was not a warm welcome home. The offensive struggles continued and they lost in walk-off fashion 4-3 to Los Rojos. Even with an intimidating 27 players suited up for the Diablos they couldn't muster any momentum. PR Sainz did his best Lou Brown impression, but he may have gone one too many times to the "Stay Loose" well. Not many highlights can be recalled from the game. David "Hey Bobbo" Berning did his best Tsuyoshi Shinjo impression in the outfield. Every catch had a hop, prance or dive. it was a sight to behold. Newest Diablo Kyle Say Hay spent most of the day on base and even gave Brooksy room to make a play in the field. Atta babe. Other than that the day on the field can only be described as a shart. The Diablos now stand at 0-2 and I can't recall if that's every happened. This Sunday they get back at it in Hayward at 1pm. Bring a friend and possibly some runs.
April 18, 2017
The above picture accurately captures the scene on Easter Sunday. The only afternoon game that got started during a rain storm. Did we need to start the game? No. Was it old fashioned greed? YOU BET! Either way the umpires got paid and we now have a game to complete sometime between now and the day we all hang up our spikes. Shout out to the Sierra Clan for providing shelter during the deluge. Some things found out on Sunday were 1)Fredo's hamstring seems quite pliable for his advanced age 2)Rain or shine Lou is a straight dick with his HBP's 3)Any situation can be immediately improved by yelling "Hey Bobby" with your hands cupped around your mouth. Tune in next week as the Diablos triumphantly return to Balboa Park. Roxie's anyone?
Diablos drop opener 3-2
April 13, 2017
This past Sunday your Diablos opened the season with an emphatic thud. You know the kind of thud I'm talking about. The one where you get quiet and ask someone in the other room "Everything okay in there?". Yeah that was the kind of day the Diablos had. Everyone's favorite abominable snowman got the Opening Day nod and didn't disappoint. Yeti tossed 5 solid innings and could've gotten a win. Of course he tried to tamp down everyone's expectations during pre-game by stating "Not sure how long I can go" and "Haven't done this in 3 years". Yeah we know Yeti. We heard all this last week. He also battled the slight hypothermia that comes with wintering in the Himalayas. Thankfully the foot can be saved. After that I'm not sure there was much to speak of. The lack of baseball awareness was in full effect. Hopefully it was just the fellas giving up their Baseball IQ's for Lent. From not remembering basic rules of the game to absolute garbage effort in running the bases. Even Buttermaker was rolling over in his grave watching the Liberty Court display. To the Diablos credit they were in position to win this game late, but the baseball gods usually have a way of evening out all things. Luckily the season is long and there is always next week.
It's finally here! The baseball season has arrived to cleanse our souls. No more talk of the Falcons choking. Or about how the country is now run by a pint of orange sherbet. Just good ol' baseball talk. If you are somewhere that faintly smells of Ben-gay and cigarette smoke a Diablo must be near. Some new faces have been brought on board to try and lower the average age and up the athletic ability. Also PR got a wild hair up his nose so when you go looking for your favorite local squad they may look a little different. The word from headquarters is that Opening Day ceremonies will commence at 9am this Sunday 4/9/17 Northgate Park in Fremont. Brother has been assured we play a morning game after the festivities. Don't know who. Don't know where. Basically it's business as usual for this band of ruffians. So dust off your Diablo hat. Rinse the mold out of the coolers. Diablos baseball is back!
Pissy warning letter translation from former league
Your Diablos beat the AB's this weekend 12-6. Many homers were hit on the little league field we played at, but the best part of the day didn't happen on the diamond. We were yelled at by two non-players in a fashion that usually leads to fisticuffs away from the field. Calling our manager a jerk will not be forgotten. Biting our tongue and turning the other cheek got us this warning from the league. We had it translated by a wise veteran who speaks this language.
***UPDATED*** Kangaroo Courts Fees
March 24, 2008
The fees for stupid shit are as follows:
Leaving your shit at the field: $1.00
Giving away your jersey before you retire: $ Market price of a jersey
Acting like a douchebag when a non-game winning homerun is hit: $2.00
Section 2.69 Liberty Court Baserunning: $2.00
Golden Sombrero: $3.00
Late for Game: $5.00
Not bringing Strikeout shirt to following game: $5.00
Pissing in your own dugout aka "The Ivan Rule": $5.00
No Show/No Call at Game: $20.00
Remove uniform before last out: $20
Yelling at Coach across the diamond like a Ho: $20