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TOPIC: 8 stages of Mertog |
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| EW33
June 26, 2008
12:37:27 AM
Entry #: 2807867
| The last few Sundays.... well most of them so far this year.... Mark has invited me out for beers with him and his dirty diaper squad after their games. To this point I have not been able to make it and after a few weeks ago I feared Mark was losing his patience with me after a few phone calls. Then he calls me and talks to me like normal and there is no issues between us, only to have it start up again this Sunday. There is a series of phone calls that I refer to as the eight stages of Mertog.
Voice mail #1 (3pm): "Hey wazup man? Just wanted to see if you wanted to come out and have beers at On The Roch's with us."
Very nicely worded, solid invite to some fun with friends. A much appreciated offer. I estimate Mark to be still in the parking lot or on the ride over to the bar at this point.
Voice mail #2 (3:30pm) : "Hey wazup man? Thought you were gonna stop out and have some beers with us. If you want we will be here a while stop on down."
Another decent voice mail expressing an interest in me joining him and to this point still very cordial. It makes me really regret having to watch my kids while my wife is working, but oh well this is what happens when you are towards the final few stages of Mark's evolution of a softball player. Estimated 2 or 3 beers deep.
Voice mail #3 (4pm) : "Hey man, where the fuck are ya? I told ya we were gonna be at the bar. I hope your still gonna stop on by."
The edginess is starting to creep in as my guesses are that some of his minions have started to step out and he doesn’t want to drink alone. I know that it's pissing him off but if I pick up the phone for any of these calls there is a chance i leave the doors locked and tell the kids not to make a mess while i head over to the bar. Estimate Mark to be 5 beers in.
Voice mail #4 (4:30pm): "What the fuck is your problem kid? You trying to piss me off? If you are I'm going to fuck you up."
The obvious explanation is a combination of beer muscles mixed with the fact that he has now decided that a new tactic may need to be employed to lure me out of hiding. It’s still not working because it’s just not possible. Estimated 7 beers.
Voice mail #5 (5pm) : “You know you are a real douche bag. I just saw you leave and drive right on by. Where the fuck do you think you are going? Then you decide to flip me off while I’m on the deck having a butt with my boys? Fuck you… but are ya gonna stop by after you get back?”
Obviously Mark missed the two kids in the backseat and the message I had left him regarding my need to watch my kids while my wife was working. Then he took the little one fingered salute to heart a bit because his boys were still around, but he has not given up hope that I will stop over. Estimated 8 or 9 beers.
Voice mail #6 (5:30pm) : “I have no one left from my team at the bar and I drank the rest of the fucks in this place under the table. Get your ass here so we can fuckin fight because no one in this bar is going to give me any competition in a brawl. Get your big, fat, goofy fuckin ass down here so I can light you up like the prick you are.”
Mark has now transformed from Mark the well respected prison guard to Mark the inebriated fuckstick who just wants to kick the living shit out of the nearest person or persons to him, but I believe he is still in decent spirits and trying to make a joke on the phone. Estimated… ah who gives a fuck he’s polluted.
Voice mail #7 (7pm): “I didn’t get a chance to tell you earlier what a piece of shit you are for not stopping down here. (pause in message while it sounds like he does a shot out of the bartenders cleavage). Before I was kidding but now I’m really going to beat the shit out of you. I was just going to toy with you and wound you a bit next time I saw you. You are way beyond that now. See you next week and you better watch your ass.”
Mark is now completely not himself and has started to make some pretty serious threats just because I didn’t make it to the bar. I actually stare at my phone in half disbelief and wonder if he started a battle royal at On The Rochs. I don’t here any sirens so I assume it’s still safe (I live about 500 feet from the bar.) I just shake my head and laugh a bit, but wonder if this guy is going to knock on my door and want to drink, fight, or fuck. I’m leaning towards he might drink a few then beat my ass and fuck my corpse. It sounds like he’s lost his mind so I no longer put it out of the realm of possibility.
Voice mail #8 10am on Monday morning: “Wow. What a fuckin hangover I got dude. I don’t know what or who hit me but my head is banging, my wife wont talk to me, the neighbor’s dog is walking funny and my son has this waffle ball bat wrapped around his head. I know I called you a bunch of times yesterday did I tell you what I was doing or where I was because I sure as hell don’t remember. Give me a call later bro. Have a good one.”
Obviously the beer and it’s muscles have stopped their strangle hold on Mark. He’s back to himself the calm, father and husband with a job to get ready for and he just wants some clarification since his memory has failed him. I debate giving him a call back but chose to go back to sleep. I just laugh and assume this is the end of just a fucked up week for Mark.
The same god damned thing happened to me the last two weeks though. It’s like fuckin Groundhog Day with an older, stumpier version of Bill Murray. I have no idea how many more weeks this will go on for, but I sure hope he gets a hold of Ryman’s number and loses mine.
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| Uncle Mertog
June 26, 2008
12:48:32 AM
Entry #: 2807877
| Hahahahahaha, I'm pissing myself laughing...that was hysterical. Ernie...you're a complete lightweight fag...and your dead!
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| Smitty
June 26, 2008
12:54:43 AM
Entry #: 2807879
| i usually get a 1000-1100 call which i always let go to voice mail because its more enjoyable that way (plus if anythings real good i can save it) this phone call usually tells me the rochs results and then whos a "douche" and whos a "shit head" and who's going to get their head beat in......and yes...ernies usually on all three lists
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| Uncle Mertog
June 26, 2008
12:57:54 AM
Entry #: 2807880
| Add your name to the list!
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| Ryno
June 26, 2008
8:08:46 AM
Entry #: 2807988
| That was about the funniest thing I have read on here in a long time.
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| gopher
June 26, 2008
9:36:17 AM
Entry #: 2808100
| Then maybe you should read some of the stuff you write....It is just as funny
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| RyMan
June 26, 2008
12:16:40 PM
Entry #: 2808354
| Im not afraid of Mark callin me. He has my email address, he can ask for my number. I know how to ignore a phone call. I live about a minute from On the Roch's myself. Call all you like big guy
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| Uncle Mertog
June 27, 2008
1:19:07 AM
Entry #: 2809515
| Ryman, I would call you for a drink buddy but I don't hang out at Gerado's or the Velvet Spike, but perhaps we could compromise and I'll hook up with you at Club Hell for fetish night.
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| RyMan
June 27, 2008
9:28:11 AM
Entry #: 2809714
| The fact that you know the names of these bars is questionable. I think you and Mrs. Uncle Mertog need to have a talk.
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| Smitty
June 27, 2008
1:15:15 PM
Entry #: 2810112
| wouldn't that be Auntie Mertog?
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| Uncle Mertog
June 27, 2008
2:14:53 PM
Entry #: 2810191
| 
The Grammar Nazi is in the house!
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| Brian Stevens
June 27, 2008
2:32:05 PM
Entry #: 2810219
| 
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| Brian Stevens
June 27, 2008
2:34:33 PM
Entry #: 2810220
| sorry about that annoying dancing girl. Ian- could you delete that before people start having siezures.
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| EW33
June 27, 2008
2:57:26 PM
Entry #: 2810248
| actually i kinda like it stevens.
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| Brian Stevens
June 27, 2008
3:10:35 PM
Entry #: 2810260
| don't look at it for more than a minute without interruption. One of the guys in my office did and went into a siezure then shit his pants.
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| Smitty
June 27, 2008
3:17:34 PM
Entry #: 2810273
| we'll call her auntie gotrem
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| Uncle Mertog
June 27, 2008
4:23:58 PM
Entry #: 2810370
| 
Seizures brought to you by our newest sponsor!
Oh like he doesn't deserve it for making "Back to the Future 3"
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| Brian Stevens
June 27, 2008
5:03:48 PM
Entry #: 2810423
| Given how sensitive people in the league are these days....I hope nobody knows someone with Parkinsons!
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| Uncle Mertog
June 27, 2008
5:09:01 PM
Entry #: 2810432
| I actually do know someone with Parkinson's! If he saw it, he would laugh...then punch me in the head...then laugh again.
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| Ryno
June 27, 2008
6:40:10 PM
Entry #: 2810525
| Isn't that what most people do to you anyway Mertog?
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| EW33
June 27, 2008
9:11:19 PM
Entry #: 2810625
| some of us just smack him in the head with our dicks. Cuz he is closer to my dick than my hand most of the time.
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| RyMan
June 27, 2008
11:20:52 PM
Entry #: 2810734
| Hodges, its posts like that one above this that tipped me off that its gay pride week.
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| EW33
June 28, 2008
1:36:31 AM
Entry #: 2810815
| says the single guy who taste tests bats with his cornhole / man pleaser.
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| Ryno
June 28, 2008
8:45:54 AM
Entry #: 2810891
| Touche'
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| RyMan
June 28, 2008
9:59:12 AM
Entry #: 2810927
| We all have our unique rituals and manurisms. I'd like to think you would all be more accepting of my bat identification process.
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| Dionne
June 28, 2008
5:17:30 PM
Entry #: 2811128
| "Bat Identification Process?" hahaha call it whatever helps you sleep at night
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| Uncle Mertog
June 29, 2008
1:42:34 AM
Entry #: 2811404
| Sucks them in knob deep with his corn shooter and he wants to call it bat identifcation....more like bat idefication!
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| RyMan
June 29, 2008
8:22:47 AM
Entry #: 2811475
| Don't be dumb, Mertog. Bat defication is when they come out. Duh.
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