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Author |
TOPIC: Shockers Softball |
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| Tom Emanski
May 24, 2010
2:17:25 PM
Entry #: 3484498
| Hello, Mr. Tom Emanski here, and I have been asked to run an article on the state of the Shockers Softball team for ESPN DePortes to run on the Friday before the big NIT Tournament that will be held on Sat-Sun of Memorial Day Weekend.
First let me state that there are several items that need to be addressed with the Shcokers team. If the players follow this sound advice, from an expert like myself (Hey I taught Fred McGriff how to stop speaking ebonics and hit!) then you too - Shockers can improve your season and your game.
Lets get to it.
1. Can someone please tell Scott Burke to give the bowflex that he stole out of Dukes garage back to him? Duke really needs it this year to get back to last years results. Also someone please tell Duke that garage sales, family reunions and yardwork is left to the women!
2. Can someone please contact the nearest police department to report the Lairomatis brothers missing, I believe that I saw Matt's missing person profile on a milk carton, but I think that Kevins missing hitting and defensive abilities also need to be added to the missing persons list as well! Hopefully we can get him added to the milk carton as well before it is too late.
3. Can someone pleas tell Frank/AKA Buffalo Bill that just because he moved to Steve Barkowski's old position, that he does not need to start hitting like Steve! We may need to put an APB out for Frank and his hitting ability very very soon. Hopefully Frank playing all of those extra If games with Alpine is not sapping him of his strength with the first priority Shockers team!
4. Can someone please let your pitcher Jack know that doing exercise to lose weight does not mean running up and down the stairs of the Empress parking lot! Someone please get that guy a larger shirt or at least a sports braw!
5. Can someone please tell Nick and CB that they really can stop playing outfield like a couple of gay guys with aids!! Fellas you have a mit use it - it is not to be used for cum catching, that is what you have each others backs for!
6. Someone please let Vic know that there is a minimum AB requirement to win the Shocker batting title. 50 AB over the course of the season will not cut it.
7. Can someone please let Julio know that there is no law against getting a hit with runners in scoring position. For christ sake 4 RBI total and we are almost to June. Can we get a wager here, Nick gets to .350 avg or Julio gets to 10 RBI first I am setting the line at Nick -135 to get the avg. up to .350 before Julio gets to 10 RBI.
8. Someone please let the new Shocker acquisitions Daryl and Adam know to get some thick skin before this weekend and for the rest of the year! The last thing that the Shockers need is either of these players to wilt under the pressure of being called, faggle, gay-dar, penis-wrinkle, dick-cheese, homosexual, faggot, dick-smoker, fat-bastard, and any other expletives that come out of the Shocker duggout.
9. Can someone please let "The Franchise" Jake N. know that there is a 1 pants rule on Shockers. Also please let him know that he really should have a higher batting average than Vic and Jack whose combined weight between them is about 745 lbs. This is not the WWE it is softball. You guys look like you ate Jake. I also have had a special request from an unamed Shocker that - will the real "Precision" Jake please show up.
10. Will someone please let BA know that "swinging down" does NOT mean launching a 350 foot shot into the Joliet Catholic football field! Hey BA last time I checked there was a right fielder out there when you bat too!!!
11. Can we please read to John/Pope/Powell/Fat Bastard the above post on BA. Also, I think he can use a new bigger shirt along with Jack.
12. To the fashion designer of Shocker apparal, Blus and White are not a good look for fat guys. Hey guys its not the clothes that make you look fat, it is the fat that makes you look fat!!
If anyone would like to follow up with me personally for some one on one lessons please call 1-800 GET-AHIT or 1-888 YOU-SUCK
note(this messsage has been paid for by Shockers softball. All rights reserved.)
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| Vic
May 24, 2010
4:10:07 PM
Entry #: 3484672
| Awesome post!!!
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| Juice #28
May 24, 2010
4:24:43 PM
Entry #: 3484694
| Great Job. Funny shit!
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| Gold Glove Brigham
May 24, 2010
5:05:03 PM
Entry #: 3484755
| What the fuck I called the number that was left and no one answered! I dont think that was the real Tom Emanski!
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| Duke
May 24, 2010
9:15:48 PM
Entry #: 3485001
| This is soooo funny.
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| #4
May 25, 2010
10:36:27 AM
Entry #: 3485445
| I called that 1800-GET-AHIT number, some guy answered and told me no one was home, sounded kind of like CB....So I'm fuked
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| Tom Emanski
May 25, 2010
11:29:38 AM
Entry #: 3485522
| To #4 - yes I am sorry I was out yesterday making arrangements for updating the missing persons database for Matt L., the missing hitting database for Frank/Buffalo Bill, the missing defense database for CB and Nick.
I was trying to find the origianl fundamental instructional video for Kevin to RE-LEARN how to play the game from scratch. I was also busy trying to find Jack and Vic a comfort fitting sport bra.
I was trying to get a UHAUL truck over to Scott Burkes house to return the Bow flex to Duke before the big tourney this weekend.....I was also trying to make arrangements with some volunteers so Duke can get aaway for a few hours from the impending garage sale.
I was out looking for a sports physcologist for Julio, I was out looking for a MUSH bat for Pope and BA,
I was out looking for some ear-plugs for the 2 new pickups Adam and Daryl - you cant have them hearing all of the expletives this weekend coming from the Shockers dugout.
I was out at the Boombah shop looking for a NEW 2 in 1 pant that they are manufacturing specially for "The Franchise" Jake.
So for anyone who calles 1-800 GET-AHIT or 1-888 YOU-SUCK, I am sorry I was not personally available, I had CB manning the phones because he needs a job, however I can see that his inability to help has moved from on the field to off of the field.
DO Not worry Shocker nation, I will personally put time into fixing CB so he does not turn into the Rian Jacobi.
We will get all of these issues ironed out before the big tourney this weekend in Joliet....In between games, the Shocker nation may want to come over and pay a visit to my booth that I will have setup at the tourney, you can personally meet Fred McGriff, and listen to this man speak english! If I can help him I can help anyone. Thanks.
Note: (This message is paid for by Shockers Softball, all rights reserved.)
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