FIRST TIME SEX A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'

Splinters In Crotch       A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.      The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down."

 

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IF YOU WERE BORN IN PITTSBURGH, LOVE THE STEELERS, THIS IS A MUST TO WATCH.  A LOT OF

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What a Storm...Hope You're OK?

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http://vimeo.

Try and guess what this commercial is for … BEFORE it ends … It's one of the best ads I've ever seen CLICK HERE

 

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WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS  ARE SO HIGH!!!

Kevin had  shingles.

Those of us who spend  much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it  seem more and more that physicians are running their practices  like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to  Kevin:

Kevin walked into a  doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin  said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical  insurance number and told him to have a  seat.

Fifteen minutes  later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he  had...
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height,  weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the  examining room.

A half hour later a  nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said,  'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood  pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off  all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the  doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and  asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.'  The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck.  Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU  LAUGH OUT LOUD LIKE I DID... THAT'S WHY I HAD TO SEND THIS TO  YOU....THESE DAYS WE NEED ALL THE LAUGHS WE CAN  GET:)

 

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HAPPY  HALLOWEEN!
   
   
Two  brooms were hanging in the closet and  after a while they got to know each other so  well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom,  the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her  white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.  

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

Now are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is  going to hurt !!! 

  
'WE  HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

  

Oh  for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least  groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy... Even these  silly....little cute............. And clean  jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Sounds to me like.........
she's been sweeping around!!!

 

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 O.K NOW I'VE GOT IT WORKED OUT

This is a HOOT!

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Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penxs in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..

After six months, the therapist gave up.
He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early.

His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penxs in the pickle slicer.

He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.

She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penxs.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too.”

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A view of mid-air re-fueling. 

http://www.youtube.com/v/pd5BMP_41bI%26rel%3d0%26hl%3den_US%26feature%3dplayer_embedded%26version%3d3

 

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Katrina North, an ABC Interactive

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Think your havig a bad day?

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Buddy Hackett on the Johnny Carson Show, and oldie but a goodie!!!

Just click on the link below to view it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spPmm4YAELg&sns=em

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Subject: Deer Camp

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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NUDE  SANTA ----- 

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS. ~Your Kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are Perfect! ~Going Out is good.. Coming Home is better! ~You Forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they Even knew you!!! ~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything. ~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore. ~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's Called "pre-sleep". ~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" Switch.. ~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ??? ~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere. ~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!! ~What used to be freckles are now liver spots. ~Everybody Whispers. ~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear. ~~~But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!! Stay well, "OLD" FRIEND! Send this on to other "Old" Friends! and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!! It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wooden Ball....

An old man walks into the

A guy stopped by the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

 

 

Giving Up Wine


I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I must spend my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for that. I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she gives up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

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 Definition of OLD

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

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NOW, THAT IS FUNNY AND OH SO TRUE

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. 

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. 

A search for a Virgin continues. 

There was no problem, however, finding enough arses to fill the stable

 

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HOLY E-MAIL


One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on...

So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time.

hen the angel returned she went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good...'

God was not pleased.

So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.


Do you know what the e-mail said?

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Morning quiz;   

 

 

Test Your Brain This is really cool. ALZHEIMER'S EYE TEST (I love this part.. Its absolutely amazing!) Count every "F" in the following text: FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS..... (SEE BELOW) HOW MANY 'F's? Count them again. WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.. READ IT AGAIN ! Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 'F's before you scroll down. The reasoning behind this is further down. The brain cannot process "OF". F INISHED F ILES ARE THE RE SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS..... Incredible or what? Anyone who counts all 6 'F's on the first go is a genius. Three is normal, four is quite rare. Send this to your friends. It will drive them crazy.! And keep them occupied For several minutes..!

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To my ageless friends

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I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my forwarding itwill be worth the effort. "Walk with me as I get Older" - worth the read...

A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Sh*t, I forgot the words........

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EMPLOYEE NOTICE:

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, National has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 55 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPEDcan apply to the Govt to be considered for the SHAFTprogram (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTEDwill be reviewed under the SCREWprogram (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPEDonce, SHAFTEDtwice, andSCREWED as many times as the Govt deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPEDcould get AIDS(Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously, persons who have AIDSor HERPESwill not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Govt.

Persons who are not RAPEDand are staying on, will receive as much SHIT(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. National has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHITyou can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. 

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An  Arizona couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex therapist's office. 
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' 
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' 
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an  elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. 
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' 
  He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. 
  The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. 
This happens several weeks in a row. 
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' 
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. 
She's married; so we can't go to her house. 
I'm married; and we can't go to my house. 
The Holiday Inn charges $98. 
The Hilton charges $139. 
We do it here for $50, and

Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7. Care to pay!

 

 

 

 

This commercial did not make the cut for "Super Bowl Sunday"

(probably would win some sort of award if it did)

<http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Yn0ey0vePwI&vq=medium>; www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Yn0ey0vePwI&vq=medium

 

 

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Subject: paraprosdokians

 

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy!

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

 

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

 

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

 

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

 

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

 

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

 

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

 

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

 

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (ever been to K MART)

 

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

 

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

 

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

 

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

 

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

 

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

 

 

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Have you ever thought about finding out if your dog (or cat) has any unusual talents?

 

Click on the words " This dog " below and you'll smile. Have the sound switched on! This dog knows how to have fun!!

 

 

 

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Hollywood

 

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.. FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke (I don't care who you are, that's funny.)

 

Aging

 

~Your Kids are becoming you.....but your grandchildren are Perfect! 

~Going Out is good.. Coming Home is better! 

~You Forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they Even knew you!!! 

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... Especially Golf. 

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, 
but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore. 

~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's Called "pre-sleep". 

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" Switch.. 

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ??? 

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere. 

~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!! 

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots. 

~Everybody Whispers. 

~~~But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS

 

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Someone asked the other day,,

'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?' 
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up ?? ,'

I informed him ,,. 'All the food was slow.' 

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?' 
'It was a place called 'at home,' I explained. !

'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work,

we sat down together at the dining room table,& if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.' 

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :;;

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 11, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God. It came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people... 

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line. 

Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. He had to get up at                         5AM every morning.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive. 

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals..

Older Than Dirt Quiz :;;; 
Count all the ones that you remember ,, NOT the ones you were told about !! { or change the color of the print }
Ratings at the bottom. 

1. Candy cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes 
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephones
5. Newsreels before the movie 
6.TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels !!

[ if you were fortunate]
7. Peashooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records 
10.Hi-fi's records
11. Metal ice trays with lever
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Studebakers
15. Wash tub wringers
<> 
If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age, &
If you remembered 11-15 =

You're older than dirt !!! THAT'S ME !!! 

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.. 

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MISINTERPRETATION...

 

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few,and noticed two very large women by the bar.

They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked,

"Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them chirped saying,"It's WALES, you idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said,"I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?”

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

 

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After the honeymoon

 

 

 

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling his golf clubs to play a round with his buddies.

 

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit playing golf."

 

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

 

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

 

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.” 

 

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!" 

 

”I wasn't!“

 

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“Fiscal Cliff” put in a much better perspective.

 Lesson # 1:

 * U.S. Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
 * Fed budget: $3,820,000,000,000
 * New debt: $ 1,650,000,000,000
 * National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
 * Recent budget cuts: $ 38,500,000,000
 
 Let's now remove 8 zeros and pretend it's a household budget:
 
 * Annual family income: $21,700
 * Money the family spent: $38,200
 * New debt on the credit card: $16,500
 * Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
 * Total budget cuts so far: $38.50
 
 Got It ??.......OK now,  
     
     
  Lesson # 2:  
     
  Debt Ceiling  
     
  Here's another way to look at the Debt Ceiling:
 
 Let's say, You come home from work and find  
  there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood....  
  and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.
 
 What do you think you should do ......
 Raise the ceilings, or remove the shipt?  
     
  Happy New Year 2013.-

 

Beer Theories Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." Babe Ruth "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." Lyndon B. Johnson "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Paul Horning "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." H. L. Mencken "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" George Bernard Shaw "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.! W. C. Fields Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser. Professor Irwin Corey To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group Salvation in a can! Leo Durocher One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: "Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

 

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Teacher asks the kids in class: 
  
 "What do you want to be when you grow up? 
  
"Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best b....itch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". 
  
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.   
  
And you, Susie?   
  
" I wanna be Johnny's b...itch!"



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Opening conversation on a blind date:

Lady: Do you drink? Man: Yes Lady: How much a day? Man: 3 6 packs Lady: How much per 6 pack Man: about $10.00 Lady: And how long have you been drinking? Man: 15 years Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct? Man: Correct Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct? Man: Correct Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink? Lady: No Man: Where's your Ferrari then

 

 

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Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Old age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in
Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is .. . ... ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money....
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

 

 

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Homemade Breast Implants

Click here:

 

 Frances Dilorinzo - Homemade Implants - This is one of the funniest things I`ve seen! 

 

 

 

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RETIRED HEALTH MESSAGE

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,

I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass. It's the tortoise life for me!

1.. If walkingis good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .

 

I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE..........??????

 

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A blind man enters a lady's bar by mistake. Finding his way to the bar, he orders a drink. After a few drinks he yells, "Does anybody wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The place gets silent. Then a woman with a deep, husky voice sitting to the right of the man says, "Sir, since you are blind, I think it is only fair to let you know that

1. The bartender is a blonde woman.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3. The woman on your jleft is a blonde and a professional wrestler.
4. I'm a six foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
5. The woman next to me is bloknde and a professional weight lifter.

Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

"Nah" says the man. "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it FIVE times."

 

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NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

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Longest Nerve In The Body

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your arss and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

My public service is done for the day

 

 

 

 

 

Click on the link to see be careful eating chocolate

 

http://www.jamiiforums.com/jamii-photos/277724-be-very-careful-eating-chocolate.html

 

 

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Click on the picture to watch the bird fish!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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An older guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.



When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.



The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.




I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,

'99'.

The old guy obeys and says,

"99".

 

The doctor says, "Great",now turn over on your left sideand again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,

'99".

 

Again, the old guy says,

'99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”.

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your p*nis

to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say,

'99'.

 

The old guy begins,

"One...

two…

three…" 

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A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia Stateline. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ars to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

 

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A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.     Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours, you are supposed to call the doctor."It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be contiued....

 

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Subject: SENIOR SEX

 

Nursing Home sex

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home.  Every night after dinner
he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life.  One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into
the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have
passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks,
"Do you know what I miss most of all?

She asks, "What?''

"Sex." he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun
to your head!"

"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman
could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where
they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.

Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.  Alarmed,
Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by
the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's
little pal!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!!  What does Ethel
have that I don't have?"

Old Frank smiled happily and replied, *"Parkinson's"

 

---

 Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT..' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.

'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man..

'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clich??for speed.'

She then turned to the third
man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You'll probably think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

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This is so eloquent in its brevity while painting a perfect picture of the whole situation. Every member of the Senate and Congress should have this emblazoned above the inside of their office door.

 

“Witnessing the Republicans and the Democrats bicker over the U.S. debt is like watching two drunks argue over a bar bill on the Titanic.”

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Subject: Winter Storm

 

 

 

Just got off the phone with friend living in Montana near the Canadian
border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly
waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below
zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has
done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

 

 

 

 

 

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WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

 

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can be President.

 You can never be pregnant.

 You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

 You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

 You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

 Wrinkles add character.

 Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

 People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 

One mood all the  time. 

 Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

 You know stuff about tanks.

 A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

 You can open all your own  jars.

 You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

 If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

 Your underwear is  $8.95 for a three-pack.

 Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

 You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

 Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

 You only have to shave your face and neck. 

 You can play with toys all your life.

 One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

 You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

 You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

 You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 

 You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

  Men Are Just Happier People

 

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

 

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

OFFSPRING

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

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Would You
Remarry??????? 

A Husband and wife are sitting quietly bed reading when the wife looks over at him
and asks THE QUESTION......?

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died?  Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would?' (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND: 'Where  else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'

WI FE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND : 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: 'Yes, those are always good times.'

WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: 'No, she's left-handed.'

WIFE: ----- silence ------

HUSBAND: 'Sh I t.'

 

 

 

 

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PREGNANT AT 71

 

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

 

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down

 

The hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

 

"What the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

 

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

 

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

 

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An illegal alien, in Polk County , Florida , who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop, ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state-wide manhunt ensued.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area. As soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor, undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "Because that's all the ammunition we had."
Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer, or what!

The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be, since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body,

he simply replied: (BEST QUOTE EVER) . . ..

"When you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die."

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Men Never Listen!!!

 In a Hospital,a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's

restroom,but it had always been occupied

A nurse noticed his predicament. *

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any

of the buttons on the wall." 

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he

had promised not to touch. 

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP20 

and a red one labelled ATR. 

Who would know if he touched them? 

He couldn't resist,he pushed WW,warm water was sprayed gently

upon his bottom. 

What a nice feeling,he thought.  

Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. 

Anticipating greater pleasure,he pushed the WA button,  

Warm air replaced the warm water,gently drying his underside. 

When this stopped,he pushed the PP button.A large powder puff caressed

his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable

pleasure.  

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom,it is tender

loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the

ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.Next thing he knew he

opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at

him. 

"What happened?" he exclaimed."The last thing I remember was pushing the

ATR button." 

The nurse said, "The ATR button is an Automatic Tampon Remover.  

Your penis is under your pillow." 

  MEN NEVER LISTEN

 

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Best viewed  full Screen!

 

Largest Glacier-Calving Ever Filmed....it makes the glacier calving we've seen in Alaska look miniscule.

 

Click on the link below to see:

 

"CHASING ICE" captures largest glacier calving ever filmed

                                                                     

 

 

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Old lady and hell

                                                                     

 

 

  

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates When all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams. Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her Shoulder blades for the wings.' The old lady looks a little uncomfortable But carries on with the conversation. A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?' 'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.' 'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.' 'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.' 'Maybe so,' says the old lady, But I've already got the holes for that.'

 

The Three Patients

 

One morning at a doctor office a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

 

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That's how I strained my back"

 

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?" He replied,  "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

 

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to you  .... .?"

 

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

 

 

 

 

 

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You wont believe that the human body can do this

 

 THE ROSS SISTERS

 

A video of 1944, was retrieved, scanned and colored. In this classic choreography from the movie "Broadway Rhythm", the Ross Sisters, Aggie, Maggie and Elmira , sing and move in a way that does not seem humanly possible

 

During the first 50 seconds, they are singing, but NEXT, WATCH what they do - it's almost impossible....

 

 

sorisomail.com/email/34321/a-flexibilidade-das-irmas-ross.html

 

 

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A Bride's Father Gives the Groom a Message That He Will Never Forget!

 

 

 

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                                                             I object!

 

 

 

HOW GREAT IS THIS OBSERVATION!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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 SOME GUYS TOYS JUST GET BIGGER

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=6VAuPPufNro

 

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A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

 

 

New Country Song !!!

Subject: Girls On Fox News

Fair and Balanced NEWS from FOX !!!

 
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNj0T4uK3lE&feature=youtu.be =

 

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Subject: First Date Conversation..

 

Conversation starts with the lady asking the man if he drinks.

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 six packs

Lady: How much per six pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your flippin Ferrari?

 

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PONDERISMS

(some things to think about)

1- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

 

2- There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . The quick and the dead.

 

3- Life is sexually transmitted.

 

4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

7- Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

 

8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

 

9- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

10- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

11- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 

12- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'? Hmmmmm, How about eggs ? . . .

 

13- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

 

14- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

 

16- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

 

17- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

 

18- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

 

19- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 

 

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The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

• The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
• The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"

Why are you scrolling down?

It's your turn to say something.

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How much do you remember?

This video is great if you grew up in the 50's and if you didn't it's

still good!

click on this link

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=sDc0ID6PJeg&feature=youtu.be

Turn on your speakers!!!

 

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Good ones….

 

 

thought you'd like to know that your tax dollars are allowing  me to forward this to you for your reading enjoyment!

HELLLLOOOO !!!!


DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland .  They were driving on the
Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.  They
started crying and turned around and went home.


FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and
one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?'  The other blonde turns and says
'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

 

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is
idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

 

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me
to show it to you!'

 

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I
get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

 

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that
her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere
she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

 

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE

 

ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

 

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY,

 

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying
that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,
'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

 

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THIS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS 

Pass to all 50 yrs. and older AND anyone who could benefit

 

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass. 

If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina.
Warning: It may be too strenuous for some. 


Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!



Scroll Down 






















Keep Scrolling





































NOW SCROLL UP 
That's enough for the first day. 

Great job.
Have a beer!

 

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RED NECK FIRE ALARM 

Now that's funny,  I don't care who you are!!!!!

You never have to change the batteries!!!  

 

I'm putting one in every room!  

 

 

Safety First! 
 
You don't have to thank me for this information.... 
I do this as a public service.

 

Four Moms in Psychotherapy

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the 2nd mom, Ann, and said, "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the 3rd mom, Joyce. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Mrs. Smith, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea
what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

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 CHURCH SIGN -1

 

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Who's Your Role Model for 2013?

This is fun. I promise you WILL laugh when you find the identity of your role model. NO CHEATING! I was really surprised to find out the name of my role model. Don't scroll down yet.... To find the identity of your personal role model, do the maths below… Then scroll down to find your hero. It is crazy how accurate this is! NO PEEKING! 1.) Pick your favourite number between 1-9 2.) Multiply by 3 3.) Add 3 4.) Then again multiply by 3... I'll wait if you need a calculator 5.) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number 6.) Add the digits together NOW SCROLL DOWN And with that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below: 1. Einstein 2. Queen Elizabeth 3. Snoopy 4. Bill Clinton 5. Mrs Brown 6. Gandhi 7. Barack Obama 8. Winston Churchill 9. Zeke Nowicki 10. Jack Kennedy I know, I know.... I just have that effect on people. P.S. Stop picking different numbers! I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!

My thoughts on this are.  Either Grandpa needs to spend a bit more time on the range or he needs a bigger badder gun.   Go grandpa go!! To bad he didn't have an AK 47.   This happened in Ocala FL. The lefties want to press charges against the old guy because the poor underprivileged thugs were retreating and no longer a threat . Bullcrap! In the aftermath of the Aurora , Colorado Batman movie theater shooting, a surveillance video has surfaced that shows the simple, obvious answer to the question on everybody's mind: How do we stop a massacre? The answer is revealed in the stunning short video shown below. This remarkable solution: • Requires no police. • Costs the taxpayers no money. • Requires no up-front paperwork. • Protects innocent lives. • Is deployed in as little as FIVE seconds. • Works everywhere. • Deters violent crime. • Makes bad guys flee immediately. • Is easy to learn. • Functions at the local level. • Does not require control or intervention by the United Nations or any government entity. Watch the 75-sec video here.

 

 

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How old is Grandma (and/or Grandpa)?    

 

(Read this to the end-- quite an eye opener.) 

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end... One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother About current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.  The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:  ' television  ' penicillin ' polio shots ' frozen foods ' Xerox ' contact lenses ' Frisbees and ' the pill There were no:  ' credit cards ' laser beams or ' ball-point pens Man had not yet invented: ' pantyhose ' air conditioners ' dishwashers ' clothes dryers ' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and ' man hadn't yet walked on the moon Your Grandfather and I got married first, and then lived together.  Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir." And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man With a title, "Sir." We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and Wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was A bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.  Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with Your cousins. Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the Evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the Evenings and weekends — not purchasing condominiums.  We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 &10-cent (5 and dime) stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could Afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.  In my day: ' "grass" was mowed, ' "coke" was a cold drink,  ' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and ' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. ' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, ' "chip" meant a piece of wood, ' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and. ' "software" wasn't even a word.  We were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. We volunteered to protect our precious country. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap. How old do you think I am?  Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time. Are you ready?????                     This woman would be only 61 years old. She would have been born in late 1952.   GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.

 

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Driving Reaction Test for Older People

 

I know all of you are "too young" for this - but you might want to try it if/when you find the time.   I know all of you are very good drivers, so here is a fun test to see how good your reflexes are! The automobile driving manual says the average driver's reaction time is .75 seconds or one car length for every 10 mph. Test your average reaction time. Be careful; this can be addictive! You will be surprised at how slow you really are. JUST CLICK ON THE DART WHEN THE SHEEP STARTS TO RUN ..... THERE ARE FIVE SHEEP. Click here: Reaction Test

 http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf

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Your an EXTREME Redneck if.......
 
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. 
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this." 
7. You think Dom Paragon is a Mafia leader. 
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 
9. Your junior prom offered day care. 
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines." 
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk

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I'm sure you will enjoy this. We never knew one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep.



'UP'

Be sure to Read until the end... you'll laugh!

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UPto the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP  the silver, warmUP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UPtrouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UPexcuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UPbecause it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixedUP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UPthe word UPin the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UPalmost 1/4 of the page and can add UPto about thirty definitions.

If you are UPto it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UPis used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UPthe earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?


U

P!


Did that one crack you UP?

 

 

 

 More Irish Jokes

 

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!' 'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

  

  

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?' 'Just water,' says the priest. The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?' The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?' 'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.' 'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?' She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

  

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' The man said, 'I do, Father.' The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

  

Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

 

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These idiots walk among us!

 

New sign at Wal-Mart
Our society is doomed..............

I DIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side. '

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes Iknow, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'
our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip bac k into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Moth er was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

 

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Even if you're not a fan of NASCAR

 

This is way to good to pass up...You have to watch...How many times did you think, boy, this would be nice to do to a salesman.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5mHPo2yDG8

 

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The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. 

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, 

(you are going to love this..)

 
 

 " What's for dinner, Zorro?"

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Hey there everyone!

 

 

 

Try this out

 

  
-This is so neat! It's sort of a time machine of music. Each of the years below connect to that year that is special to you, including the best 20 hits of that year.Pick a year, wait a few seconds, and the Jukebox will show you the 20 hits

 

 

 

 

 

It will also tell you all of the cool stuff that happened that year. So, check out the year you graduated from high school, you were born, got married, etc. Great memories!

 

 

 

Just "CLICK A YEAR" and have fun. 

 

 

 

> > > 1940	> > > 1950	> > > 1960	> > > 1970	> > > 1980	> > > 1990
> > > 1941	> > > 1951	> > > 1961	> > > 1971	> > > 1981	> > > 1991
> > > 1942	> > > 1952	> > > 1962	> > > 1972	> > > 1982	> > > 1992
> > > 1943	> > > 1953	> > > 1963	> > > 1973	> > > 1983	> > > 1993
> > > 1944	> > > 1954	> > > 1964	> > > 1974	> > > 1984	> > > 1994
> > > 1945	> > > 1955	> > > 1965	> > > 1975	> > > 1985	> > > 1995
> > > 1946	> > > 1956	> > > 1966	> > > 1976	> > > 1986	> > > 1996
> > > 1947	> > > 1957	> > > 1967	> > > 1977	> > > 1987	> > > 1997
> > > 1948	> > > 1958	> > > 1968	> > > 1978	> > > 1988	> > > 1998
> > > 1949	> > > 1959	> > > 1969	> > > 1979	> > > 1989	> > > 1999

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Frozen Windows:

 

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now.”

 

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Watch your age in the upper right corner! 

Kinda fun to watch your age go up and down as you answer the questions.

How long will you live? This is a calculator that estimates your life expectancy.

It was developed by Northwestern Mutual Life. It's interesting that there are only 13 questions.

 

Yet, they can predict how long you're likely to live.


http://media.nmfn.com/tnetwork/lifespan

 

Quiz for Bright People There are only nine questions.  This is a quiz for people who know everything !!  I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions.  They're straight questions with straight answers.  1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. 2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward ?  3 Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own, for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables ?  4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside ? 5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle ?  6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them. 7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them ? 8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh. 9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.' Answers To Quiz: 1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.  2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls .. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute. 3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.  4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.  5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they're small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.  6. Three English words beginning with "dw": Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.  7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.  8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh:Lettuce.  9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.