He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!"

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Two cowboys were riding in the desert. Suddenly one of them had to pee and jumped down from his horse and hid behind a big cactus. He did not notice the big rattlesnake that lived there, so when he started to pee at the snake, it became very upset and bit him right on his manhood.

The cowboy fell to the ground screaming and shouting and crawling around for help. His friend ride closer to him and ask what was wrong

It bit me! The rattlesnake bit me! Hurry to town and get a doctor! Hurry hurry!!

His friend rode at a fast speed on his horse and after 2 miles he came to a town and asked for the doctor.

The doctor was in the middle of an operation and could not leave but he said: You can help your friend yourself. You only have to see were the snake bite is. Between the toothmarks of the snake, you cut it with your knife, then you can just SUCK out the poison. That's it!

The cowboy looked at the doctor for a few seconds and then rode back to his friend in the desert.

His friend was still on the ground: - Where is the doctor? Why is he not here?

He was in a middle of an operation and can't come over, the cowboy answered.

- But, but what did he say? What did he say?

The cowboy now looking were the snake bit his friend slowly said:

- He said, You are going to die...

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, Former President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe, and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said,"Aren't you Moses?"

The man never answered but just kept staring straight ahead. Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President.

Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside and pointing to the robed man asked him, "Doesn't that man look like Moses to you?"

The Secret Service agent agreed. "Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name he just keeps staring straight ahead and refuses to speak.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back

"Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert, and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire middle east where there is no oil."

The Pennsylvania State police is cracking down on speeders heading toward and into the city of Pittsburgh. For the first offense, they give you 2 Steelers tickets.
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them!!

What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl???

The Pittsburgh Steelers!

What's the difference between the Steelers and a dollar bill??

You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill!!

What do the Steelers and a Opossum have in common??

Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!!

Quickie chuckles

1. Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage,
and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married,
did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
---------------------
2. A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all
of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you
must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine"
---------------------
3. "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now
and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
---------------------
4. A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the
husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
---------------------
5. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how
long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The
agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says,
and hangs up.
---------------------
6. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan
Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a
golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a
golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
---------------------
7. A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him
how he is feeling. "I'm O K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word
the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say?"
asked the nurse. "OOPS !"

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I Clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your Radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar Detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again. "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds. When he begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up and again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Letters even Dear Abby can't answer...

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name..

"Fred," he replies..

"Fred what?" the officer asks..

"Just Fred," the man responds..

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name..

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it..

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?".

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me." "I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor..

I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD..

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS..

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD..

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.".

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish." I said, "No shit?"

A young blonde dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked. "Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

Why is it that when a woman is pregnant, Everyone goes up to her, rubs her belly and says "Congratulations!".

Why don't they ever go up to the man, rub his Package, and say "Good Job"?

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room..

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:.

Golf: $1.00.
Dinner: $1.00.
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00.

Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?".

I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost.".

"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!".

"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Blind Man

Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man ... "Where do you want the blinds?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this .)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

--------------------------------------------

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1 TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2 TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3 TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4 TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5 TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6 TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7 TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8 TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9 TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10 TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11 TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues... INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12 TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13 TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14 TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15 TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16 TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17 TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18 TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources