Burlington Mets centerfielder Brandon Lloyd has had an interesting and trying offseason. The first incident occurred after a Jack Daniels fueled binge that caused the drowning death of Mets fan favorite Timmy. Timmy is not erratic Mets pitcher Tim Battista, but the much-admired Timmy the Tooth. Timmy the Tooth is(was) Lloyd's prosthetic front chopper. After consuming a gallon too much of the devil's juice, Lloyd was left with a hefty hangover that caused his stomach to violently revolt the next morning. After a half-hour of intense vomiting, Lloyd rinsed from his mouth the leftover chunks of food he ate the previous day and subsequently noticed, in his reflection in the bathroom mirror, that Timmy was gone. He rushed to the toilet and reached far into the plumbing, but was unable to rescue his beloved front tooth. Lloyd placed a plaque on his toilet seat as a memorial to his close friend. Timmy was well-known for mysteriously finding his way into teammates' water and Gatorade bottles during Mets games. That Timmy sure was a character, and he will truly be missed. After a period of mourning, he returned to the dentist where he was introduced to Timmy's cousin Tommy the Tooth. The two have become close friends and the Mets faithful hope that Lloyd will remove Tommy the next time his heavy drinking causes him to puke.

Lloyd's second incident occurred when he arrived at his local bar and ordered a beer. Lloyd noticed three police officers enter the bar, but did not pay them much attention, until the three officers approached him with guns drawn. The cops surrounded him, aiming two pistols and a shotgun at him, and quickly arrested him. After frisking the surprised centerfielder, the cops informed him that police were called because of a report of "a guy in a red hat" flashing a gun in the bar. As it turns out, although Lloyd was wearing a red hat, it was a case of mistaken identity. Lloyd sports a heavily tattooed body and false tooth, but he is a very mild mannered fellow, not at all a criminal. Lloyd later learned that a crazed woman called the police a made the false report hoping the cops would arrest another bar patron who was also wearing a red hat, but, like Lloyd, did not have a gun. Thankfully, Lloyd came out of the situation unscathed - well almost. He is contemplating filing a lawsuit against the woman to replace his boxer shorts, which were heavily soiled during the incident.

After a promising start to the 2005 season, the wheels fell off of the Mets bandwagon as they were defeated by Mt. Laurel in Game 3 of their best of three series, and eliminated from the playoffs. Mt. Laurel not only won Game 3, but they gave the Mets a beating comparable only to the beating Mt. Laurel centerfielder Larry Davies gives to himself during an episode of Josey and the Pussycats.

Burlington Mets centerfielder Brandon Lloyd has had an interesting and trying offseason. The first incident occurred after a Jack Daniels fueled binge that caused the drowning death of Mets fan favorite Timmy. Timmy is not erratic Mets pitcher Tim Battista, but the much-admired Timmy the Tooth. Timmy the Tooth is(was) Lloyd's prosthetic front chopper. After consuming a gallon too much of the devil's juice, Lloyd was left with a hefty hangover that caused his stomach to violently revolt the next morning. After a half-hour of intense vomiting, Lloyd rinsed from his mouth the leftover chunks of food he ate the previous day and subsequently noticed, in his reflection in the bathroom mirror, that Timmy was gone. He rushed to the toilet and reached far into the plumbing, but was unable to rescue his beloved front tooth. Lloyd placed a plaque on his toilet seat as a memorial to his close friend. Timmy was well-known for mysteriously finding his way into teammates' water and Gatorade bottles during Mets games. That Timmy sure was a character, and he will truly be missed. After a period of mourning, he returned to the dentist where he was introduced to Timmy's cousin Tommy the Tooth. The two have become close friends and the Mets faithful hope that Lloyd will remove Tommy the next time his heavy drinking causes him to puke.

Lloyd's second incident occurred when he arrived at his local bar and ordered a beer. Lloyd noticed three police officers enter the bar, but did not pay them much attention, until the three officers approached him with guns drawn. The cops surrounded him, aiming two pistols and a shotgun at him, and quickly arrested him. After frisking the surprised centerfielder, the cops informed him that police were called because of a report of "a guy in a red hat" flashing a gun in the bar. As it turns out, although Lloyd was wearing a red hat, it was a case of mistaken identity. Lloyd sports a heavily tattooed body and false tooth, but he is a very mild mannered fellow, not at all a criminal. Lloyd later learned that a crazed woman called the police a made the false report hoping the cops would arrest another bar patron who was also wearing a red hat, but, like Lloyd, did not have a gun. Thankfully, Lloyd came out of the situation unscathed - well almost. He is contemplating filing a lawsuit against the woman to replace his boxer shorts, which were heavily soiled during the incident.

When Mets pitcher Chris Falato first acquired his car, he was proud that it had been obtained from MGM studios in California and was the original car used by Mr. Bean himself in the smash hit "Mr. Bean" series. In an attempt to upgrade his 3 cylinder hot rod, Falato contacted MTV and asked them to "pimp my ride." Xzibit himself showed up to Falato's house to check out the car, but promplty told him "Hell no!" Falato begged and pleaded, but Xzibit said plainly, "Man, I don't work on no oversized penny racers." Falato knew he would have to buy a new car and give up his beloved Bean mobile. He bought a flashy, convertible Mazda Miata and asked how much he could get for his Bean mobile. The salesman went to his boss's office and returned with 4 pencil's and a coupon for a happy meal at McDonald's. Falato had an ear-to-ear grin on his face, as he drove his new car back to Baltimore munching on his chicken McNuggets.

Disgruntled Mets pitcher Bryan Bozarth hired superagent Drew Rosenhaus to renegotiate his deal with the Burlington Mets. Bozarth is apparently unhappy because the Mets are asking him to actually show-up and pitch once and a while. Rosenhaus contacted Mets general manager Ric Babula and made numerous demands, including the following: Bozarth can take his uniform off if he wants, take himself out of the game whenever he wants, pick which games he pitches in, and write the line-up when he pitches. Also, Bozarth demanded that a private box be built for his family at Weimann field so that they can privately watch the five games at which he shows up to each season. The conversation ended quickly when Babula became so enraged that ate the telephone during one of his classic tirades.

Trailing 3 to 1 in the bottom of the seventh inning, the Mets scored twice, and then added a run in the eighth to beat Mount Laurel 4 to 3 to tie the best-of-three series a one game apeice. With two outs in the bottom of the seventh, Burlington's Dan Graham drove in Manny Moore and Sean Gusrang to tie the game. In true Mount Holly baserunning form, Graham was then picked off first base for the third out. In the bottom of the eighth, Dennis Grahl, Paul Guerrieri, and Marc Johnson drew consecutive walks to load the bases. Former Mount Laurel outfielder Manny Moore then stepped to the plate with one out, hoping to end the game against his former teammates. Moore hit a hard ground ball, but Mount Laurel pitcher, Brett Jenkins, snared it, and threw it to homeplate. However, the throw was high and Grahl scored the game-winning run. Again, in true Mount Holly baserunning form, the greasy-fast Moore jogged out of the batter's box and would have been an easy out in the double play situation. Moore was asked about the play after the game and stated, "Dude, I hit it hard, but he just snatched it up. I started running, but then I thought about this righteous wave I caught last week and I was just totally caught up in the moment thinking about it." Mets third baseman, Jeff Vitale, off suicide watch from Saturday's loss, played spectacular defense. In the top of the sixth inning, the ageless wonder collided with Paul Guerrieri on a weak pop-up but managed to catch the ball despite the crash with meatheaded redneck catcher. Grandpa Pickles, the grandfather of Vitale's wife Linda, was hopped-up on loaded watermelon, and treated the Burlington faithful to some entertaining baseball banter, as well as a couple 'Tuna' calls, and a "F-F-F-Fire!"......In other RVL news, Cinnaminson took off the gloves and beat the vargin' pulp out of Willingboro. Steve Kolwicz hit a would-be single to right field, but was gunned down at first a la Glenn Wilson, by Cinnaminson right fielder Geoff Gilbert. The Flintstones, Jamie Schwantes and Jason Kurtz, hit the ball well, but it was not enough to stop the Cinnaminson train led by legend Doug Dreby (he is good).....Delran showed Moorestown the door with a 7 to 2 victory. After the game, Moorestown manager Nick Andreoli stated, "I thought, after reading that Billy Martin book, that I would be able to rule the RVL, but I guess not. It's been a bad week. First I was turned down for a role as an extra on an episode of the Sopranos, and now this. I need a hug, or maybe and new gold chain."......Vincentown beat Florence for the second game in a row to send the Athletics packing for the season. Mount Lauel's Larry Davies won the poll for who would be the most-heckled player at the tournament, but in a classic Cinderella story, Florence's Shawn Savage wore the dreaded bullseye. Savage, the lightning rod of Saturday's RVL version of 'Cops', entered the game in leftfield in the top of the seventh. Savage was greeted with chants of "9-1-1, 9-1-1" and imitations of Randy "Macho Man" Savage. and it only got worse as Savage fielded a base hit and threw the ball way over the third baseman's head and into Vincentown's dugout, allowing Vincentown to score a run. However, the biggest cheer occurred when Vincentown manager Harry Thompson removed his jersey and flexed for the crowd.

RVL president Clay Bridges' scheme to keep the Burlington Mets from playing the 10 am game backfired as the New Jersey State Police were called to maintain control at Southampton Memorial Park. It is alleged that ornery fans took a liking to Florence centerfielder Shawn Savage and Savage became the target of the infamous RVL tournament hecklers. It is also alleged that Savage's parents feared for the safety of their son and called NJ's finest to intervene. When the eight, considerably large state policemen arrived, they headed straight for the Burlington fans behind the left field fence. As the Burlington contingent cooperated completely with the police, they made their way down the fence toward centerfield where they found the heckling culprits and solved the problem. The policemen then returned to the Burlington area and apologized for mistaking Burlington as the guilty party. Although Burlington has the reputation as being the 'outlaws' of the RVL, there has never been any problems caused by Burlington where the state police had to be called. In fact, the police have been called to Southampton Memorial Park in each of the last three RVL tournaments, and each time it was because a team (and fans), other than Burlington's, did not know how to act.

Mount Laurel scored two runs on three walks, a hit batter, and a single in the bottom of the seventh to defeat the Mets 3-2 in Game 1 of the three game series. Although it sounds like Tim Battista pitched the seventh for the Mets, Bryan Bozarth got the first out, then hit a batter and walked former Met Dan Torres. He gave way to Cyber-slugger Rob Brock, who then walked the next two batters. Chris "Mr. Miata" Falato relieved Brock and got the second out, but gave up a single for the game winning run. The highlight of the game came in the 4th inning when Mets catcher Paul Guerrieri slammed a ball down the left field line for an apparent stand-up double. However, as the burly redneck lumbered around first base he lost his footing and fell flat on his face. Guerrieri is not (by far) the most graceful or agile player and landed with a thud so loud that the crowd turned toward left field because they thought the Mets' 420 lb. grill-man Jacob Merenko fell off of his grill stand.....In other RVL playoff action, the #8 seed Willingboro knocked off #1 seed Cinnaminson - are you vargin' kidding me?.....Delran's band of balding ballplayers beat Moorestown 8 to 6. Delran's Mike Dlug and Moorestown manager Nick "Someone opened the tool box and I jumped out" Andreoli argued backed and forth throughout the game, but never face-to-face, because Andreoli did not want to have a close encounter of the third kind with the alien on Dlug's lip.....Vincentown defeated Florence 5 to 3, but Vincentown catcher Jake Mannion was obliterated by a Florence baserunner on a play at homeplate. Mannion temporarily lost consciousness, but was revived using the aroma of an open Budweiser.

RVL president Clay Bridges gave Burlington the ol' stiff one without a reach-around by vetoing the play-off schedule written by the RVL Tournament Director and re-scheduling the times of the 2005 RVL play-offs. By now it is well known that the Mets will play at 4:00 pm on Saturday, the third game of the day. It is even more well known that The Mets usually play the first game at 10:00 am, and kick-off the festivities immediately after their game is completed. Burlington Mets players and season-ticket holders were disappointed by the news, as they take their RVL duties beyond the leftfield fence seriously and take immense pride in ingniting the passion of RVL players and fans for "The Event" of the summer. However, this year there has been a plethora of maneuvering and wheeling and dealing behind the scenes by the usual suspects of RVL snakes in attempt to secure the coveted 10:00 am game. It is widely rumored that Bridges has been accepting "gifts" from the aforementioned RVL snakes in exchange for earlier tournament game times. Although these rumors have not been substantiated to date, Bridges has had a brand new deck built onto his house, has taken numerous trips to Atlantic City in recent weeks, has a closet full of Cuban cigars, and hasn't paid for a meal at the Vincentown diner in quite some time. Burlington Mets media relations director Justin Kugler stated, in a mist of saliva and flatulence, "It is my personal opinion that some league officials and members do not like the Mets because they are loud and obnoxious and that is why they moved the Mets' game to 4. It is unfortunate because over the last 3 or 4 years all of the problems at the RVL Tournament have been caused by other teams, not the Mets. Mets players and fans fully support the RVL tournament and have routinely cleaned up trash left by other teams and fans after everyone was gone. Even so, every problem is always blamed on Burlington." The real loser of the entire situation seems to be Mount Laurel outfielder Larry Davies, who was the runaway winner of the poll of who will be "the most-heckled player" at the tournament. It may be a long day for Davies. Kugler also added, "On behalf of the Mets I would like say that we don't care what time we play. I also want to congratulate Willingboro for getting to play the early game as they have suffered playing the late game for many years now. And one more thing 'For immediate release'... for all those who don't like the Burlington Mets, YOU CAN KISS OUR ASS!"

The Mets' bats were silent as they registered only 3 hits and lost their season finale to Cinnaminson, 3-0. It was a painfully uneventful game, and their is really nothing to write about. Mets manager Ric Babula was not in attendance as he was tending to a phantom spleen injury. Cinnaminson's Gary Herron was unusually quiet and did not even attempt harass the umpires. Casey "Little Gary" Donahue also sat quietly on the bench as he was serving a two-game suspension resulting from his second ejection of the season. Donahue was, however, honored in a pre-game ceremony for setting the new RVL record for career ejections, previously held by Herron. After the game, Cinnaminson manager, Brian Solomon was found wandering in the woods beyond the right field fence, still searching for his SNiP sign, which last seen attached to the left field fence at Vincentown during the 2002 RVL Tournament. Solomon is convinced that Burlington players and season-ticket holders are responsible for the 'signknapping,' however, the Mets' public relations department maintains that "The Burlington Mets have no knowledge as to the whereabouts of Mr. Solomon's sign. It is indeed a tragic event, and we are still doing everything in our power to help Mr. Solomon locate his sign."

The Mets defeated Vincentown 13-6 in a game the two teams started on June 9, 2005. The June 9th game was suspended because the lights did not work. Trailing 6-4, the Mets scored 8 runs in the bottom of the fifth to take control of the game. With bases loaded and two-ours Ray Zirilli knocked in two runs with a single. Dennis Grahl then cleared the bases with a 3-run homerun over the right field fence and onto the soccer field. As the ball landed, the dozen or so soccer players scattered like immigration officials arrived to check for green cards. Grahl also played good defense at shortstop, and it appears that he has ditched his Steve Jeltz impersonation. Mets' 15 year-old rookie, Sean Gusrang, took a groundball in the groin that appeared to be extremely painful. The Met's trainer and fitness guru, Jacob Merenko, informed Gusrang that all he needs is some fuzz down there to cushion the blow - maybe next year I guess. Gusrang's fuzzlessness is mysterious since his father looks like a silverback gorilla with a tank top and a mustache.

Mets pitchers Tim Battista, Steve Harnischfeger, and Sean Gusrang combined to allow 15 runs on 14 hits and 12 walks (TIMMAY!) as Vincentown defeated Burlington 15 to 4. After walking John Bujanowski Jr. with the bases loaded in the sixth inning, Gusrang complained that he injured his leg. It may have been his leg, or it could have been his pride because Bujanowski Jr. is Gusrang's high school teammate and bragging rights were at stake. However, the most likely reason was that Jeff Vitale's daughter had just arrived and Gusrang was eager to get into the stands. Gusrang was not shy about sitting on the bench in only his boxer shorts while icing his injury. Brandon Lloyd played firstbase in the seventh inning, and set the RVL record for most tattoos for a firstbaseman. In the top of the seventh, Toby Harnischfeger was attacked by a ground hog while chasing a fly ball in right field. Harnischfeger stumbled to his knees but managed to hold on to the ball. Keith Babula struck out in his last at-bat to take a commanding lead for most strikeouts on the team (Babula - 23; Cox - 20; Lloyd 18).

Trailing 5-1 after the second inning, the Mets put seven on the board in the third and never looked back, winning 16-8. Pitcher Tim Battista allowed eight earned runs against the worst team ever assembled, however, the stat sheet does not always tell the truth. Battista gave a valiant effort in the 96-degree heat after consuming enough Jack Daniels to kill an elephant the previous night. Battista arrived at Weimann field only seven minutes before the start of the game, vomitted four times while warming-up, then proclaimed, "Get me a beer and I'm ready to go." Sadly, Battista gave up more base hits than he hit batters, ending his RVL-career-long streak of hitting more batters than allowing hits in a single game. Both Harnischfegers were in the lineup, however, Toby clearly outshined Stephen, who was 0 for 3 with a strikeout. Meanwhile, Toby was 2 for 3 with 3 RBIs. With bases loaded in the fourth inning, Toby hit a long drive to deep left field that appeared to be a homerun, however, it bounced off the fence and Toby was held to a single, due to his brother's baserunning. Stephen was on first and obviously stopped on second, clearly jealous of the ball his hairy brother hit. Mrs. Harnischfeger then yelled from the bleachers, "Yay Toby! Stephen, you suck!"

After defeating Mt. Holly in a marathon game in the 96 degree heat, those in attendance questioned whether the Mets had enough left in the tank to defeat Florence in the second game of their doubleheader. Thanks to a couple cases of Red Bull and a little 'hair of the dog' between games, the hungover, and, now exhausted, Mets handed Florence a 7-3 defeat. Thankfully, openly heterosexual Mets pitcher, Chris Falato, remained sober the night before and made it much easier for the defense than Battista did in game one. In the top of the sixth inning, trailing 7-2, a Florence baserunner attempted to score from first on a double, when Toby Harnischfeger made a strong throw to Dennis Grahl who relayed it to the plate. The Florence baserunner then made a mistake, and attempted to run-over Mets catcher Paul Guerrieri, otherwise known as the meatheaded redneck catcher. Although it was Guerrieri's 13th inning behind the plate on the scorching hot day, the Florence baserunner hit Guerrieri and crumpled like Falato's car in a collision with an 18 wheeler. See Game Results for box score.

Dan Graham, taking a break from surfing and clamming in Surf City, NJ, pitched a complete game and shut out Moorestown in his first start on the mound this season. Third baseman, Jeff Vitale, made a diving stop of a ground ball in the hole between shortstop and, from his butt cheeks, threw the runner out at first base. The highlight of the game was when Toby Harnischfeger stole second base in the sixth innning. His mother not only yelled "Yay Toby!" but also did the wop in the first base stands. See Game Results for box score.

In one of the most intense regular season RVL games in recent memory, the Burlington Mets defeated Delran 4-3 in ten innings. There was the usual horrendous umpiring we've come to expect in the RVL, however, the game was loaded with smack talking, arguing, ejections, bean-balls, bench clears, and more smack talking. Bryan Bozarth pitched all ten innings for the Mets to earn the win. Delran's Mike Dlug led off the top of the tenth with a bloop single to left and moved to second on a sacrifice bunt. Mark Wickersham then hit a hard groundball up the middle that was snared by Bozarth. Using his keen sense of smell, Bozarth got a whiff of Dlug's Rogaine and immediately knew that Dlug was on his way to third base and promptly threw him out. Then with Wickersham on first and two outs, Mets centerfielder Brandon "Skeeter" Lloyd let a ground ball single to centerfield roll past him. Seeing the ball get by Lloyd, Wickersham put his head down and darted toward home to score the go-ahead run. Bozarth's nosehair immediately burst into flames. However, Lloyd retrieved the ball and hurled it toward homeplate. Dennis Grahl cut it off and threw a strike to catcher Chris Falato, who was then pummelled by Wickersham. Falato, however, held onto the ball and the lead for the Mets. As Falato left the field you could actually see his pants stretching in his groin area. After nearly becoming the squid of the game (and causing Bozarth to suffer second degree burns to his lips and chin), and with bases loaded and an 0-2 count in the bottom of the tenth inning, Skeeter lined a single to right field scoring Wesley Cox for the game-winning run. NOTES: Falato assumed catching duties when Paul Guerrieri was ejected from the game after Marc Johnson said the umpire "sucks." As Guerrieri and Mets manager Ric Babula argued with the umpire (ok, screamed at and berated), while littering the ump's face with peices of tobacco and spit, Johnson sat nearby, laughing at what he had just caused. Johnson, by the way made an error, his first since the 2003 season.

I am speechless.

It was the 2004 season again for the Mets as only nine players showed for the start of the game against Cinnaminson. Pitcher Tim Battista ran into trouble in the third inning when, after getting the first two batters out, he hit the next three to load the bases. All three runners eventually scored. Battista has only given up five hits on the season, but he has hit ten batters. Battista left the game after four innings, down 4-0, but the Mets scored two in the top of the 5th to cut the lead to 4-2. However, Cinnaminson broke the game open in the bottom of the sixth, scoring five runs off Dan Graham. Brandon Lloyd struck out twice to take overtake Keith Babula for most strikeouts on the team. After being called out on strikes in the top of the seventh inning, Toby Harnischfeger was ejected from the game for calling the homeplate umpire a jerkoff. Harnischfeger's outburst brought back memories of former Mets outfeilder Mike Bowker, who was called out on strikes and ejected when he told the homeplate umpire "You suck, you fat (bleep)!"

There were bad vibes in the air when the Mets arrived at Weimann Field to play Moorestown. It appeared that Ridgeway School used the infield for Fun Day, as there were all sorts of lines, circles and other markings scattered about the infield. However, on the right side of the infield, written in white chalk normally used for the foul lines, were the words "VARGA IS #1." "Varga" is Willingboro pitcher Ryan Varga, and for those who know Varga well, know that he is definately not #1 in the eyes of the Burlington Mets. Varga's name written on the field quickly cast a spell of suckiness on the Mets field, however, all hope was not lost, as a dog trotted onto the field and defecated on the "G" in Varga's name. Obviously, the dog knows Varga well. The dog's act of heroism was short lived though. With bases loaded and two outs, a Moorestown batter hit a ground ball single to right field directly over where Varga's name appeared. As the ball rolled toward Burlington's tall right-fielder, Keith Babula, it took a tremendous hop and sailed over Babula's head, rolling all the way to the fence. Moorestown scored three runs on the play and never looked back.

The foursome of Bryan Bozarth, Toby Harnischfeger, Steve Harnischfeger, and Craig Wood won the 2nd Annual RVL Golf Tournament. Amazingly, they did not cheat to win. Mike Dlug was so aggravated that Bozarth's team won that he lost even more hair. Dlug is now down to 47% coverage. Designated boozer, Paul Guerrieri, attempted to urinate on a tree around the 5th hole, however, the wind said "Nope." The lesson - never urinate into the wind or end up like Guerrieri with piss all over your pants. The not-so-bright redneck was lucky that it rained five minutes later.

After misplaying a routine pop-up in the third inning to allow Delran to take a 2-1 lead, Wes "Chocolate Thunder" Cox hit a no-doubt-about-it homerun well over the left-center field fence to tie the game. Keith Babula also misplayed a pop-up in the same inning to allow Delran their first run. On the bench, pitcher Bryan Bozarth complained loudly about his stats, as the misplays were not errors, thus in the box score Bozarth gave up two more hits and two earned runs. After Cox's homerun in the fifth, Dan Graham singled home Shaun Babula to take a 3-2 lead. Dennis Grahl struck out twice, and again blamed his bats. Grahl, however, did not make an error and, in fact, made a nice barehanded play on a hard hit ball that was slowed by the jungle that Delran calls an infield.

Last night's game between the Mets and Vincentown was suspended in the top of the 2nd inning because two banks of lights did not turn on and, according to homeplate umpire, Paul Collins, it was too dark to continue. As always, Collins was in mid-menstrual form and refused to continue play although both teams agreed that they could still see the ball. The ever-temperamental Mets manager, Ric Babula, went ballistic and cussed-out anyone and everyone within screaming distance. Babula dropped more "F-bombs" than Eddie Murphy with Tourrette's syndrome. Babula also accused Vincentown's Billy Thompson of orcestrating the event in an attempt to have the game cancelled after Burlington took a 4-0 lead after the first inning. Several witnesses standing near Thompson later revealed that Thompson in fact asked Collins to continue the game. The Spleenless One was so outraged that he refused to shut off the lights and then turn them back on to see if all the lights would then work, although expert electrician Pete Ekelburg stated that there was a possibility that such action would fix the problem. Meanwhile, Jeff Vitale sat on the bench and, in his best Marv Albert voice, provided running commentary on the events as they happened.

The Mets won the second game of their doubleheader against Mount Holly, 10-3, and improved their overall record to 10-2. Like game one, Mount Holly had only one hit in game two, meaning that Dan Graham and Tim Battista combined to hit more batters (3) than Mount Holly had hits (2) in two games. Tim Battista struggled with his control in the sixth, but eventually regained his composure when he began breathing through his eyelids. Stephen Harnischfeger, still hung over from the previous night, made a total abortion out of a routine infeild pop-up, but since there was a man on first base, managed to recover and get a force out a second base. Toby Harnischfeger had two hits and an RBI, and at one point both Harnischfegers were on base at the same time. Too bad Mrs. Harnischfeger was not there to see it. I'm sure she would have cheered "Yay Stephen and Toby!" After playing a "warm-up" game with the Croydon Mudcats at 10 a.m. and all seven innings of the first game, Jeff Vitale was consumed by the 90 degree heat and had to leave the game after the fourth inning. Vitale was huddled in the shade with a migraine headache and dry-heaving, however, his wife showed no sympathy. Linda Vitale mockingly declared to her 42 year-old husband, "Your only an 18 inning man now! You can't go 21 anymore."

Bryan Bozarth pitched a complete game, gave up only one hit, and struck out eleven batters to earn the win against an impressive Mt. Holly lineup that is strikingly similar to that of the 1927 Yankees. Bozarth's nose hair caught fire in the sixth inning after a foul ball hit the top of his truck, but the fire was quickly extinguished when he inhaled a nose-full of infield dirt. Bozarth's nose fire ignited again when the same batter lined a ball into right center field for Mt. Holly's only hit. Toby Harnischfeger made a valiant diving effort to preserve the no-hitter, but only managed to catch a mouthful of grass and dirt. Quoted after the game, Bryan Bozarth emphatically stated, "That team is worse than butt cheeks. They're straight afterbirth." Manny Moore hit his first homerun of the season, and, while rounding third base, proclaimed "Dude, my first homer for the Mets. I'm totally stoked." Paul Guerrieri also hit a homerun and, being the redneck piney that he is, tried to run over the catcher as he crossed homeplate.

Chris Falato pitched five innings to pick up his third win against Mount Laurel this season, and improve his record to 4-0. Although the Online Poll revealed that close to a consensus of voters think Falato's fastball does not exceed 60 mph, it is apparently enough to strike out Larry Davies, the biggest squid in the RVL, twice. It would have been an uneventful game if not for Mets third baseman, Jeff Vitale. Vitale was called out on strikes with bases loaded and two outs in the first inning, and he erupted with that Jeff Vitale passion usually reserved for the playoffs, and promptly told the homeplate umpire "You [bleeping] suck!" Vitale erupted again when he was called out on a play at first base in the third inning, when he clearly beat the throw. The old man had a few choice words for umpire Donnie Rucker, and Rucker eventually admitted he blew the call. Vitale then proceeded to the bench and took his picture of Spooneybarger out of his back pocket and kissed it for good luck. Vitale singled twice and scored a run in his last two at-bats.

Mets outfielder Manny Moore was voted as the second baseman for the Willingboro "All-Stiff" team. Moore played for Willingboro briefly during their inaugural season. Moore responded to the news by stating "Dude, Willingboro has had like one winning season since they've been in the league, man. Dude, their second baseman now wears face paint like an indian getting ready to hunt a buffalo. That's ok though, as long as I'm on a winning team and I got my sufboard, life is totally righteous." Check out the Willing boro poll at:

http://www.leaguelineup.com/LeaguePoll.asp?url=willingbororvl&Qid=37739

Trailing 6-2, Vincentwon scored five runs in the bottom of the seventh inning to win 7-6. Bryan Bozarth pitched five innings and left the game with a 6-1 lead and a strained butt-cheek, but the Mets could not hold the lead. In a pitching performance reminiscent of former Met closer Matt Kensler, Dan Graham took the loss after he gave up 5 runs in the bottom of the seventh.

Despite sitting in a bar drinking shots of Wild Turkey for four hours before the game, Paul Guerrieri had three hits and knocked in three of the Mets' five runs, including the go ahead run in the top of the sixth inning, to lead the Mets to their seventh win in eight games. Guerrieri was visibly intoxicated at the start of the game, as he could barely keep from squinting, although the sky was overcast and there was absolutely no glare from the sun. He also smelled like a sewer. In the fifth inning, Marc Johnson hit a line shot over the left feilder's head that bounced off the fence, and, being the speed demon that he is, Johnson managed to stretch it to a single. Not only does Johnson drive a tow truck, but he runs like one too. Chris Falato's scoreless inning streak ended at 16, after he gave up his first run of the year in the 5th inning, but no one really cared that he had a streak in the first place. Shaun "Radar" Babula struck out the side in the seventh to record the save.

Tim Battista pitched 1 2/3 innings to earn his first career RVL victory, as the Mets defeated Florence 10 to 7. Staying true to form, Battista hit more batters than he allowed base hits. Ray Zirilli went 4 for 4 with two doubles, and was replaced by pinch runner Manny Moore in the seventh. As he jogged off the field, proud of his four-hit performance, Zirilli quacked "The big beads are coming out tonight! Aflac!" Manny Moore played right field in the bottom of the seventh, and with Wesley Cox in left and Brandon Lloyd in center, the Mets' "Oreo outfield" made its first appearance of the season. Dennis Grahl continued his Steve Jeltz impersonation at shortstop, but did manage to hit his first homerun of the season. Since the start of the season, Grahl has whined incessently about the quality "new bats." However, after a few hits and then the homerun, Grahl's whining mysteriously vanished. See Game Results for box score.

Chris Falato pitched six innings of shutout ball to extend his scoreless inning streak to fourteen. One more and Falato will have pitched as many scoreless innings as hamburgers he ate yesterday. Steve Harnischfeger pitched a scoreless seventh to preserve the shutout. Ray Zirilli caught the Mets' second shutout of the season, and also threw out a Willngboro baserunner attempting to steal a base. Zirilli's performance behind the plate indicates that he is fully recovered from off-season butt surgery. See Game Results for box score.

Pitcher Charley Belinsky had to be transferred from the 60 day DL to the "Are you really that stupid?" list because he re-injured his knee. Belinsky first tore his ACL and knee cartiledge when he tried to wrestle a fat guy in the mud. Belinsky was, of course, drunk at the time. This past Friday he was icing his knee at a local bar when he saw two women enter. Belinsky was, of course, drunk again, so he sprinted up to them, threw both women over his shoulders, and attempted to run around the bar carrying both women. However, after he had the women on his shoulders, he took three steps and his knee buckled and all three tumbled in a heap. One woman hit her head on the side of the bar, while the other landed on the floor face first. Belinksy apologized to the enraged women and then ordered several beers and charged them to the womens' tab without them knowing.

In a rare regular season appearance (Dempster's was closed for renovations), Bryan Bozarth pitched a complete game and struck out seven to earn his first win of the season. Bozarth's strong performance made his idol Rich Bender extremely proud. Although, Uncle Jack beat him into oblivion the night before, Brandon Lloyd singled in the fifth inning, ending his 0 for the season hitting streak. Toby Harnischfeger did not make an error, and, in fact, made a diving (ok, flopping) catch in the sixth inning. See Game Results for box score.

In a service sponsored by Yahoo! Personals, Rob Brock was married this offseason (yes, to a woman). Brock moved to South Carolina with his new wife, but returned to strike out thirteen Moorestown batters in six innings of work to earn the win. Shaun Babula struck out two in the seventh inning to notch his first save of the season. Although the Mets dominated the game, they only had six hits and left too many dogs in the tub. Ray Zirilli stole his third base of the season, leaving those in attendance wondering how someone with webbed feet, who is so fat and slow, can actually steal three bases.

Manny Moore's whereabouts last week are finally known. Many have speculated, but Moore was not surfing, in jail, at Charley's house, looking at himself in the mirror, or in Mexico protesting Vicente Fox. Moore was actually at home watching Fat Albert reruns and grooming his beard because his car was impounded for drag racing in Philadelphia and he could not get to the games. Although this was not one of the poll choices, "in jail" is close enough, so whoever chose "in jail" wins a Malik at the next double header.

The Burlington Mets announced the signing of pitcher and infielder Bob File. File played for the Mets briefly in 1998. File is an excellent player, but he is more well-known for his extensive neck, which falls in between a stork and a giraffe in terms of length.

Although Tim Battista recently purchased a townhouse in Delran Twp, NJ, it is obvious he is not fond of the towns' residents. In two innings of work, Battista threw at many Delran batters, managing to hit four of them. After the third hit batter an unknown Delran player pleaded from the bench, "Whatever we did, we're sorry!" The game got even more interesting as the horrific umpiring of the homeplate umpire prompted manager Ric Babula to enter into a tirade as only a spleenless man could do. Babula was eventually ejected from the game after the usually soft spoken Dan Graham told the homeplate umpire to unzip his pants and use his private parts to call balls and strikes. Although the Mets fell 5-0, a bright spot came when season-ticket holder Pete Ekelburg risked life and limb to save the beer coolers after the propane tank of the picnic area grill malfunctioned and caught on fire. Everyone was grateful for Ekelburg's courage in saving the beer. See Game Results link for box score and stats.

Manny Moore led off the game with a walk, and then proceeded to get picked-off first base against Mt. Laurel, his former team, leading those in attendance to question whether he really wants to play for the Mets or return to those losers. The season ticket holders will be paying close attention to Moore in the near future. Toby Harnischfeger stole second base in the fifth inning, prompting his mother to holler "Yay Toby!" from the picnic area along the third base line. Dennis Grahl contributed with two errors and several bobbled balls at shortstop. The Mets still won 5-0. See Game Results link for box score and stats.

Shaun Babula gave up a solo homerun in the fourth inning in his first appearance for the Mets since 1999, but held the the one-run lead to earn his first win. "Steven" Harnischfeger also gave up a blast, in his first 2005 start, then, a week later, complained that his arm was still sore. It would think his neck was sore after jerking his head around to watch that homerun he gave up. See Game Results link for box score.