2016 FAIR HAVEN MENS BASKETBALL LEAGUE CAPTAINS

"Broadway" Rich Mitola: was Rich’s decision to purchase a winter coat with a fur hood simply a fashion faux pas or an attempt to imitate Joe Namath?　 Either way, that decision, along with his girth, has earned him the nickname "Broadway." And while most guys buy a flashy sports car during their mid-life crisis, Rich decided to buy a moped, or what may more aptly be described as one of those motorized scooters that old, fat people ride around in at WalMart. Keep an eye out for Rich this winter whizzing around the streets of Fair Haven while wearing his fur coat and drawing catcalls from 65 year old women. Quite possibly the nicest guy in league history, Rich decided to hang up the jockstrap a few years back after he realized gravity had gotten the best of his game and he hadn’t actually jumped during a game in three seasons. Now Rich spends game days behind the scorer’s table, quickly burnishing his credentials as the best (and neatest) scorekeeper in league history, which Navid and Pete Richardson can attest to when they immediately check their stats after the game. As for the potential success of his captaincy, Rich does have one league championship under his belt – the 2006 season – when he was part of the most confounding championship team in league history, as a clearly nervous and confused Kyle selected 56 year old Mike Kranis with the first pick in the draft, yet still managed to win the championship. Did Rich learn anything that season under the tutelage of Captain Kyle other than Kyle’s trademark move of repeatedly throwing the ball off the backboard to himself in an unsuccessful attempt to make a layup? Rich has certainly had a birds-eye view of the talent (or lack thereof) from the scorer’s table over the past few years.　 Maybe he can use that knowledge to cobble together a winning squad.　 Or maybe not.　Time will tell.

Alvin "The Greek" Faett: he’s best known for two things: 1) his endless (and inaccurate) rants on the league website, and 2) his love for Iovino, which makes us all very uncomfortable. In fact, the saddest day of The Greek’s life was when Iovino decided to move to Napa Valley a couple of years back to squash grapes like Lucy Ricardo.  And his second saddest day was when Iovino decided to get married (and not to The Greek).  And his third saddest day was when The Greek found out he wasn’t invited to the wedding.  But he’s put that all behind him. (We hope.)  He’s certainly one of a kind, as evidenced by the fact that the draft party and the end-of-year party are the highlights of his social calendar each year.  But can he finally put his money where his mouth is and pick a championship squad? We all know who he is picking first if he gets the chance, but if he can’t get Iovino on his team, will he have a nervous breakdown at the draft? And how many times will he ask the Commissioner during the draft party when the pizza is arriving? (It’s as if his wife doesn’t let him eat pizza at home or something.) If he can’t get Iovino, who will he go with? Will he take Brian Wong and his propensity to take 28 foot jump shots? Maybe he will surprise us all and take Jon Nichols, despite telling us countless times over the past few years on the league website that Jon has lost a step. Or maybe he goes with Marc Raffenspergerburgerberger (or however you spell his last name). Whatever happens, we know The Greek will be entertaining.

Chris "Red" Grier: he decided to hang it up this year for reasons still not entirely clear to the Executive Committee. But we’ve seen this movie before and so we can expect him back next year after he realizes "I am much better than most of these hacks, so why am I not playing?" Anyhoot, did Chris finally figure out the formula after garnering his first championship last year?　 Will he take any of his teammates from last year  Perhaps Mike Menzer? Or will he be too worried that Menzer won’t be able to resist the call of the Seastreak bar on his boat ride home from the city on Tuesday nights? Or maybe Chris was so impressed with Gene Melody’s semi-finals performance last year that he targets the Music Man in the first round? Gene was so impressed with his own performance that he rented a giant screen and re-broadcast the game at Riverside Gardens Park in Red Bank for anyone who would watch. Unfortunately for Gene, only Medicated Pete showed up. Or maybe Chris goes big and selects Eric Brendel, although Eric is a close second to Kyle in terms of repeatedly throwing the ball off the backboard to himself in an unsuccessful attempt to make a layup.

Matt "Matthew" Dobish: unfortunately, Matt can’t play this season due to an injury he sustained playing with a bunch of hacks in the YMCA league. Apparently even those girly-looking black tights he wears under his shorts couldn’t prevent his injury.　 Anyway, it’s a shame as Matt had established himself as a top of the league player last season. But does he have what it takes to be a captain? Does he know enough about the league talent? Who will he draft first? Will he go with Colin Rigby? Or will he be too concerned with a possible "Samson-effect" now that Colin cut his hair? Speaking of which, if you’re keeping score at home, Colin’s new hairdo leaves us with only two players who wear hair accessories during games – Johnny C. and Denny.　 Or perhaps Dobish will pick Josh? Although it doesn’t appear as though Josh’s back is fully healed yet as he’s been moving around pick-up games on Tuesday nights like he took a dump in his pants. Maybe Josh has spent too much time browsing the listings on the Rumson-Fair Haven "Buy, Sell, Swap" Facebook page and not enough time rehabbing his back. And when he’s not doing that, "Josh from Red Bank" is busy waiting on the WFAN phone lines in the middle of the afternoon to harass Mike Francesa.　 Again, if you’re keeping score at home, here’s a short list of Josh’s harassment targets: FH Board of Ed., FH town council, FH zoning board, FH tax assessor, Mike Francesa, and the guy with the long fingernails at Umberto’s.

Bob "President Ex Officio" Carr: as the former league commissioner, Bob was to the FH Men’s League what Pete Rozelle was to the NFL. In other words, he pretty much made the league what it is today.  Perhaps the only questionable decision he made as commissioner was hiring his son’s band as the entertainment at the draft party several years back.　 Bob was understandably looking to do something different for the party with regard to entertainment and the band did a fine job, but Bob just mistakenly thought that a bunch of married, 40-50 year old guys wanted to stand around, drinking Bud Light, and listening to "Free Bird" on a Friday night. And it got really awkward when Kyle started slow dancing with Rumph to "Wonderful Tonight." Anyway, Bob gets a pass for that decision after building the league into a juggernaut. Yet, despite all of he’s accomplished for the league, he’s never won a championship. Can he finally get one as a captain? Who will he pick first? Will he go with the ageless Joe McGarvey? Although the "ageless" moniker may no longer be appropriate as Joe has been seen at RFH games using one of those folding chairs that old people need in order to sit on bleachers. Also, rumor has it that he has tried to use his AARP card to get a discount on the admission fee at RFH games. Nevertheless, as the all-time leader in league championships, Joe will be determined to add at least one more to the trophy case before he hangs it up. Or maybe Bob goes with Wes Moore, assuming Wes doesn’t decide to join the circus as "The Guy With Freakishly Long Arms." 　

Rob "Duck Dynasty" Edwards: to Rob’s credit, after taking off the 2014 season to give his crying ankles a much needed break, he made an admirable attempt at a comeback last year, but by the end of the season, he was limping up and down the court like Keyser Soze. Word is that he finally decided to call it quits this year after his wife came home and found him stuck in the doorway of their house. To make matters worse, at the latest inspection of his duck boat, the NJ Marine Division reclassified Rob’s boat’s weight limit as "No more than 350 lbs. or one Rob Edwards." In addition to captaining his duck boat on the Navesink, Rob is also no stranger to the league’s captain’s chair, having twice captained teams to the league championship, including an undefeated season in 2008.  Can Rob summon those old days of captain’s glory? Who will he choose as his first pick? Will he go big, with league rookie and Staten Island native, Jimmy Keane? Let’s face it, you can never go wrong by picking a guy from The Rock. Or will he go small, with someone like Lil’ Kev Barnett who turned in a masterful captain’s performance himself last year by managing to get a team full of gunners to co-exist? Then again, Lil’ Kev’s recent behavior has been questionable at best as he spends more time commenting on and "liking" Facebook posts than a teenage girl. And he made the annual Polar Plunge down in Asbury Park on New Year’s Day, as if being short and Irish wasn’t enough of a challenge in the bedroom, he apparently wanted to add shrinkage to the unenviable mix. But any pick is possible with Rob at the helm, especially if he shows up at the draft as he has in years past, already a six-pack deep and with cans of Keystone Lite stuffed in the pockets of his duck hunting vest