Johnny “The Fireman” Careiro: this will be Johnny’s last year in the league before he retires (which begs the question: do fireman really work anyway?) and moves to the warmer climes of Florida.  Johnny has done so much for the league over the years – from setting up and cleaning up for the annual draft parties to working the scoreboard on a weekly basis – that the Executive Committee has deemed it appropriate to allow Johnny to personally pick the last team he will inevitably lose with.  Johnny hasn’t seen the league winner’s circle since 2009.  That’s longer than Raffensperger’s streak.  Oh wait, sorry, check that, Raffensperger has never seen the winner’s circle.  Anyway, speaking of retirement, we have several former players coming out of retirement to play again this year.  In either a senior moment or an effort by his wife to get him out of the house, Alvin “The Greek” Faett has decided to lace up the sneakers again.  God help us.  The folks who hold the league’s insurance policy will be keeping their fingers crossed from March to May hoping his new hip holds up.  In addition to using the backboard for his jump shots, The Greek is best known for his inane rants on the league website and his (uncomfortable for the rest of us) relationship with Iovino.  Speaking of making the rest of us feel uncomfortable, does Joe Reedy’s tight, cutoff red shorts make anyone else feel uncomfortable or is it just me?  Also coming out of retirement this season is Rob Edwards, now that he has shot all of the ducks on the Navesink River and his hunting buddies are in nursing homes, he’s looking for something to do.  Here’s to hoping the league can find him a 3XL jersey that fits.  One more blast from the past is Ryan Maloney, who was last seen around these parts doing a backflip off the bar at the KOC during the 2007 postseason party in an effort to impress the female bartender.  Let’s just say Ryan didn’t exactly stick a clean landing (and didn’t impress the bartender).  Andy Morris even threatened a comeback this year, for heaven’s sake.  But thankfully, in a moment of sanity, Andy’s son reminded him that he’s 61 years old.  So Andy won’t have the opportunity to add to his two league records: 1) most fouls in league history, and 2) most post-game beers drunk at Val’s - both records being the equivalent of Cal Ripken’s consecutive games played streak - i.e., they will never be broken.   

Kevin “The Kid” Barnett: two years ago Barnett pulled off one of the most amazing feats in league history by captaining a team laden with ball hogs to win the 2015 championship.  No one thought it possible.  And then last year Barnett captured the league’s inaugural 3 Point Shot Contest.  Needless to say, all of the recent success has caused his head to swell even more.  But on the bright side, that may be helpful, being that he’s the most vertically challenged of this year's captains, except of course on Saturday nights when he wears his high heels (thereby becoming a couple of inches taller than The Fireman).  In his spare time, Barnett likes to comment on famous people’s Facebook pages, as if they actually read what people write. 

Navid Faryar: long believed to be the best (and only) Iranian in league history, until of course, it was revealed that Eric “Big E” Brendel spent his formative years in Iran before being forced to flee shortly after the fall of the Shah.  No wonder Eric is so relaxed and can’t make a layup.  Would you worry about making layups after narrowly escaping being held hostage in Iran?  Me neither.  Helps put life in perspective.  Anyway, this latest revelation about Big E also pleased the league’s newly formed Office of Diversity as it increased our % of non-caucasion participants, along with the addition of another Wong.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Another Wong has joined the league.  Danny, this time.  (And yes, he drives a BMW too.)  Speaking of Wongs, who will make less passes – Kyle at the waitresses tomorrow night or Brian Wong to his teammates this season?  My money is on Brian. 

Mike Scarano: last time Mike was captain he lucked into picking Colin Rigby (back when Colin had shoulder length hair rather than the more recent lumberjack look) in the 3^rd round because none of the captains had ever seen Colin play.  I don’t think there will be any lucky picks lurking around this season for Mike.  So who will he go with in the first round?  John Iovino?  Is John in shape or still sporting his muffin top from the past two years? How about Joe McGarvey?  Or are McGarvey’s first round days fully behind him?  Sadly, I think so.  You’re more likely to see a customer in Jimmy John’s on Broad Street than see McGarvey go in the 1^st round.

Adam “No, No, Not That” Cavise: taking his first turn in the captain’s chair, who will Adam pick first?  Will he go with Matt Dobish?  Or will Adam refuse to have anyone on his team that wears yoga pants under his shorts?  I know, I know, Dobish claims they are “compression pants.” Well, if he wants someone to compress his pants, he should just call Matt Carr.  Speaking of Matt Carr, who will he have his first catfight with this season now that Josh Halpern has retired?  (By the way, look for Josh to stay involved in the league in an exciting new capacity, once he’s done appealing his latest property tax bill with the town.  Josh’s tax appeals have become an annual tradition like the Fireman’s Fair.)

Brian “The Commish” Jaenicke: getting grayer and balder by the minute, the Commish is back as a captain for the umpteenth time.  He routinely makes himself captain figuring that he should at least get the benefit of picking his own team after putting up with all of the BS in running this league.  Question is: who will shoot less 2 pointers this season – the Commish or Teddy Sourlis?  My money is on the Commish.  Unlike the Commish, at least Teddy wanders inside the 3 point line once in a while and might accidentally take a 2.