Purp squad pt2:

By far the most underrated team. I’ll be the first to tell you purp doesn’t look too hot on paper,possibly the worst looking team in recent history, but the perfect amount of yooked could take this team far. With Captains Holden “Theresa caputo” Ford and Dom “my couch is ruined” Rodgers, this team is a contender with some true grit starting at the top. Antonio “better than Ripley at ball” orsini as the first round pick brings some scrappy play and puts the locks on the “best” players. Eagan “Long John silvers” Rut is underrated and his dads a cop so look for some aggressive play and that BDE. the Stamm brothers will be by far the best brothers duo in this league. Andrew Woomer is the greatest guy on the court and will hypnotize you with his wet shot. Courtney will outwill defenders in the post and throw some crazy bows. Mason Meddings is a dawg and a top 5 shooting guard in the whole league. To top it off, and most importantly, purp drafted a dude named Kobe, look for this kid to take the league by storm. Purp will be shock the world and have the most fun doing it, if they can survive pregame activities.

Coke:

Oh boy this team is a scene. Don’t think it’s a coincidence they chose coke white. With captains ed “red wings” Godwin and gum “look at my weird arm” fitzsimmons, they’re off to a bad start. Godwin will play the worst defense you’ve ever seen in your life and will take more attempts than anyone in the league- but here and there he’ll catch a wet streak.  Gum is a mean handler and a solid player, but he wanted a bunned up foot to match with his weird arm so he might have problems during the season. With the 1st pick, Coke gets Colin “big varsity guy” McLinden. This dude will straight up harass people and live in the heads of the other teams. Solid pick. By the grace of god I can’t explain why they picked Cooper “bare titty” Phillips in the second. He’ll promise you he’s on fire and he needs the next shot, but please don’t listen to him. Scrappy defender and got some heart nonetheless. With hunter “derb man” Halloween and Tyler “idek what to say” Horgan they got some solid rotational guys. Halloween is wet and I’ve seen Horgan put up maybe 2 shots in total and he drained both so watch out. Drew “Rips my daddy” Blodgett is a good guy, but not nearly as good of a man as the legend Yanuk, who will not no where he is the entire game. Wyland adds team morale and is an absolute legend in these streets for his recent heroics. To top off this team, they got nick “look guys I’m a chameleon” Chimento. Good luck with this kid, but he will give some passion and throw some mean illegal screens when asked. Oh, and not to mention the most attractive coach in the league.

Navy Blue:

Navy is a solid squad. Captains Gabe “I’ll eat 50 nuggets in one sitting because I’m an absolute unit” and Ryan “great guy” Ghise will be scrappy. Ghise is sloppy but gets the job done with some heart and Gabe is a force to be reckoned with for the first 3 trips down the court until he collapses. Don’t get me wrong though both good captains who will be fun to play for and with. Their 1st pick was Evan “Sharon would be disappointed if she knew what I’ve been up to” Heilman. Solid pick, definitely one of the top players in the league. Next they got Brian “handsomest man alive”  McCombs who is not a 2nd round pick but fuck it he’s a great guy who will get the job done. Ben “I stick up for the girls” Lund is a solid junior if he plays with confidence. Heath “swag pics in the shower after games with my sick knoch boys” Erdos is a bum and Oklahoma sucks. Kevin Finn is a legend who will give the team some unreal morale. Danny “I slide into the DMs of middle schoolers” Dabulis. No clue who cal sollie or Aidan moss are but I’m sure they’re bums.

Red:

Fuck this team. Paarth “pressure boys” Shankar is easy to hate in games and but he’s a great guy who is respectable and is nice at ball. Danny “O’Connor was the highlight of my life”  Berlin is giving RJ white a great run for most hated kid in the league. With the first round pick they go out and get mini Paarth with Sohum Shankar, and the league is going to live in this kids head. He’s a nice baller but age might get in the way of production. Jeffery “Walmart Dan Portnoy” Warmbein is a good dude who did nothing wrong to deserve to be on this team. Joe Phillips has to be a dog bc he’s related to Will I think. I don’t know how to pronounce the other names. Just hope you’re on the opposite line of Dan Berlin bc you won’t touch the ball.

Black:

This team will be subpar. Dustin “I’ll only send snaps of my feet” Riberi and Kevin “Horndog” Krawczyk are a horrible captains duo. Dustin is clean at ball but has confidence issues or something and refuses to shoot the ball. Horndog is a god awful ball player but boy does he make up for it with his grit and scrappy play. I’d take that heart for the game any day. With the first round they scooped up herb “my girlfriends brother is way cooler than me” Gordon who is a solid pick. The kid is athletic and long & should add some big plays. Ike “3 knees” “pop a wheely” “dirtbike” Tyger is a big boi that can splash from 3 for some reason. Colin “Eskimo brothers with everyone” sibley is an athlete that should play well and get tested for some STDs sooner than later. Nitesh “I’ll tell everyone I’m Indian on Snapchat twice a week” Nagpal is an all around great guy who really surprised me in pickup ball, kid is a big time sleeper. Basil Despines is a great dude but no clue how he’d do on the court, but does he have a nice book collection- I bet. No clue who JJ cuddy is, and Dom “big boi” zatolla is a unit who will contribute nothing but some good laughs, which is sometimes all you can ask for. And they got a dude named surya which is cool.

Teal:

This team has one of the top set of captains in the league with Jake “Thomas” Stevenson and Michael “my mom gives me bubble baths” Orsino. They both bring solid D and some nice offense to their squad. First round pick is and incredibly handsome lad by the name of Mateo “grace Sweeney ain’t shit” Cepullio. This kid is a stud for his age and I know he won’t let his age get to him. Tyler gliem should help the cause a little bit if parties aren’t thrown in his head.  Evan Vopal has to be a legend and a baller if he’s anything like Tim, so great kid draft pick. Who tf is tucker Neal. Alex Jones is an athlete I heard and I might’ve mentored him before getting the boot for controversial reasons. Quinn Smith is a big body that should help down low snap some boards. They got some dude named bear which is pretty sick. To finish it off, Alex Mudry should’ve been a 2nd round pick in my opinion.. making him the steal of the draft. Stud athlete, even better guy. Give em hell Rodney.

Orange:

First of all, who tf picks orange as their color. I don’t even have a list of this team so no clue who’s on it but they’re all bums. Their captains jack “my dad is a legend” Beggy and mic “trust me I’m sick at baseball” Walsh are utter booty hole at ball but good guys and good athletes. That’s all I got for this squad, you guys are hags.

Royal
This team has another solid pair of captains in Nate “I think I’m more athletic than I am” Murphy and Zach “Sid the Sloth” Ioli. In the first round the took THE most hated kid in the league RJ “I’m look like a praying mantis” White. Kid is just an annoying ball player. Don’t be surprised to see some kids take shots at him this year. In the second round the got Danny “Good Guy” Harkelroad. I don’t have anything bad to say about this kid, he’s just a great dude and good ball player. I expect him to have a good season. Their next pick is another kid I have no knowledge of in Robby Henricks. In the 4th round they got Cory “Better than my brother but still kinda ass” Horgan. Kid knows the game but just lacks the skill to be a real impact. I’m the 5th round they took another hated player in Gavin “Colin wouldn’t beat my ass” Fitz. Kid is a shrimp and won’t be effective on the court. The last player I know anything about on this team is Anthony “The bigger Ioli” Ioli. Kid is good for a layup a game but that’s about it.

Maroon
These boys are another solid squad. Both captains James “Meaty Klay Thompson” Deulius and Josh “I’m just an average white guy who’s decent at ball” Krakoff are both good players. In the first round they took Nate “Mosh” Hamel. Idk much about this kid besides he started half the moshes in the student section this year and I had to take the heat for it, so by default this kid is a bitch. In the second round they took Mark “I look like Kick Buttowski” Krolczyk. This is any other kid I know very little about. The rest of the roster is irrelevant besides Eli “Y’all know me from that pic” Shedd and Wilson “Tenderdong” Henderson. Both players are decent picks at best.

Gold
This team is a solid team in the league. Antonio “Mob Ties” Thomas and Nate “Saggy balls” Ripley are the captains. These two have some good chemistry as the were teammates on purp last year. They got one of the top 3 players in the league in the first round with Jesse “I would be going D1 if it wasn’t for my hammy” Fera. Kid can pull up from anywhere but I’m not sure how much effort he will put forth. In the second round they got Joe “I think I’m sick because my sister is hot” Lackner, kid is an average athlete and will be a decent contributor. Their third round pick was a solid one because his dad is a ref. Ross “golf balls aren’t the only balls my sister likes to play with” Petrone, is a below average play but his dad will sway the game in his teams favor. Their 5th rounder they acquired via trade, Tim “I think I’m sick at Lax” Daschbach is a big body who will get some boards. The rest of the team I know nothing about besides Cam “Her pussy tasted like macaroni” Scott. This kid means well but most likely be effective on the court.

Carolina
Carolina on paper is the best team in this league, although their team chemistry will be a point of concern all year. Captained by Jason “I’m a dick because I’m a QB” Sweeney and Matt “The only coochie I have ever seen is my sister’s” Goldman. Both solid ball players but there will be a constant power struggle between these two. With the first round they selected Harvey “Lemme stick it in your ass” Rauch, great player but almost anyone can get in this kid’s head if they know him. I also expect him to shoot every time he gets the ball due to the lack of touches he will receive. In the second round they snagged “Brandon “If I get drafted by purp I’ll quit because I’m a bitch” Shearer. Kid is a good ball player but won’t get enough touches to be effective. In the third round they picked Franco “Is this Ocnarf?” D’Amico, I know nothing about this kid. With their 4th pick they got Ryan “I haven’t hit puberty yet” Junko, kid is a fan favorite but doesn’t have an ounce of basketball skill in him. In the 5th round Cyrus “People (used) me for my house” Khani got picked. We all know the back story with this kid so I’m just not gonna say anything before I catch a case. In the 6th round they went with Mitch “all I do is smile” Friday, idk much about this kid besides he’s always cheesin. Their 7th round pick was James “lil Bill” Phillips, idk much about this kid but I assume he’s Ight.  And with their final pick they got Aidan “Couck” Houck. This is another player Ik absolutely nothing about. Like I said this team is solid on paper but they lack in team chem. With that being said peaches is gonna owe me a case after purp stuns the world.

kush
Holy shit this team is a bunch of posers, they deadass got a captain that doesn’t toke in Cary “I’m Eskimo brothers with Jack Steve” Young. Kid is a good ball player but I’m not sure if he’ll even make it to the kush bowl if he does decide to engage in the pregame activities. Jason “I play the Sax” Levy is a decent big boy at best. In the first round the took Tim “Hey let’s hook up in the elevator” Vopal. Kid can dunk but is a non smoking cuck. If he doesn’t smoke before the kush bowl we’ll find another way to hinder his performance. Next they got Ryan “I’m built like slender man” Rauber. Kid is built freaky and it will probably translate over to the court. In the third round they took Nikita “who the fuck is this kid?” I’m not sure what his last name is because either Levy’s or Cary’s handwriting is atrocious. Next they took Josh “Breswki” Brufsky. Idk anything about this kid but with a last name like that you gotta be able to down a considerable amount of brews. Here’s where it gets fun, with their next selection they took Hashim “I swear I won’t green out” Durrani. Kid will be practically useless on the court and before the kush bowl. Then they fuckin took Matt “I love the patriots” Newman. All I know is the kid is huge and loves sporting his ugly ass Tom Brady jersey. With their 7th pick the selected Sheryas “my actual last name is longer than the alphabet” Vivek. I’m not sure what this kid brings to this team but he’s a good dude. And with their last pick they took Hunter “I flex a half gram of bud on my story everyday” Wallace. Kid can smoke for days but won’t contribute on the court at all. All in all this team is has very few bright spots and will 100% lose the Kush Bowl due to their low toleranc

1. Purp

2. Carolina

3. Gold

4. Navy blue

5. Royal Blue

6. Coke

7. Maroon

8. Teal

9. Black

10. Orange

11. Red

12. Kush