Preseason Power Rankings:

1. Carolina Blue

2. Gold

3. Maroon

4. Navy

5. Royal Blue

6. Red

7. White

8. Black

9. Teal

10. Orange

11. Kush Green

12. Purple

Carolina Blue

This team is very talented. They have a ton of players capable of making plays. Their first captain Jason “I like it up the ass” Sweeney drafted a perfect fit for the team with Harvey “I like putting it up the ass” Rauch. Hopefully these two can stay away from each other/keep their eyes on the prize and actually play some basketball this year. Their other captain, Matt “I’m a disgrace to my family” Goldman is a very tough guard that will wreck havoc in the league. However, word on the street is that he juices his own peach at halftime. Hopefully the Matt will keep the syringe off his peach for the whole game so this team can live up to its hype. The also have a sharpshooter in Brandon “I rob people” Shearer. I don’t know how Shearer went that late in the draft. He was the steal of the draft but don’t be surprised if he missed games because he is out robbing your house. They also drafted Franco “WANKO” D’ Amico. Hopefully this kid can keep his hands on the ball (and not the ones in his pants) during the game. They also have Ryan “Look Dad, One Hand” Junko. Tell this team to keep his hands out of the pants because showing your dad you can crank with one hand is not ideal. Cyrus “I have a nice bathroom” Khani was their next pick. Trust that bathroom is not very nice. Lastly, they drafted Mitch “Thank god it’s” Friday. He is quick and athletic. Overall this team is very strong, but hopefully they can distribute the ball and keep their hands above the belt.

Gold

This team is also very talented. However, I feel like this team is getting caught up in their hype. They have 3 great players, but they better hope that they can show up with complete focus on balling out. Their captains Antonio “I can’t lose arguments” Thomas and Nate “I’ll eat your shit for $10” Ripley. Antonio is too focused on the looks of his team instead of how they will play. I feel he is a very good player but will be unreliable if someone takes away his three-point jumper. Ripley is very good in the paint, but you will be lucky if he doesn’t try to bite your ear off. Also, keep Ripley away from the toilets because he might go bobbing for shit at halftime. Ripley keep is clean for the league because no one wants to guard a man that smells and looks like shit. Their first pick Jesse “Such a great guy” Fera is a very good pick. He could practically jump over the rim. He is also a rookie. He is gonna have to learn how to play after the pre-game ceremonies. Fera is a great pickup who will help this team contend, but the last thing this team needs is Fera laughing at himself trying to play ball in the first half. Next, they drafted Joe “What’s Incest?” Lackner. This kid is a meathead and can barely finish a layup. But, he is an athlete and can help this team win. They also drafted a big body in Ross “Testa De Pene” Petrone. If your feeling curious you can translate that name in Italian, but Rossi will be a force in the paint. They also picked another big body in Tim “Tits” Daschbach. He will use his extra Chubb to body kids who can’t handle the Chubb. They also drafted a supporting cast in Will “are u related to jake engel” Engel and Tyler “Not” Super, Lastly, Hold was paid a crisp $8 to draft Cam “she said she will this weekend” Scott. Cam has one of the most disgusting looking shots in the league, but he somehow finds a way to drain it. But don’t let the ugly shot distract you for the boos that he will get from the crowd. This team has a lot of potential but they need to be focused and balling to win the league. Good luck Carolina Blue.

Maroon

The Maroon squad is lead by Josh “Yoshi” Krakoff and James “Julius” Deilius. Josh is a very well rounded player. He can make a three and drive on you. Look for a big year out of Krakoff this year. This team also has a quick big boy in James. James is another well-rounded player that will make you wanna shit yourself (Don’t eat it Ripley). Both these guys are great players and spectacular guys. They took a bold first round choice with Nate “I pick up chicks without English” Hamel. He is a big boy that will help this team a lot. Look for Hamel to be a presence in the paint. However, I would stay away from Hamel because I heard e smells like Ripley’s breath. They drafted a highly touted guard in Mark “I was gay in 6th grade” Krolcyzk. The kid may have had the ugliest hair I have ever seen but he is on the rise. Just don’t let him grow his hair long or he may be hated more than RJ White. The got Advaya “No I’m the best Indian” V. I was on Advayas team last year and he was brown trash. Kid cannot score. Only thing he does well is making you feel bad for an airball. They also drafted Wilson “Bricking layups is fun” Henderson. I always like comparing Wilson to the real life Patrick Star. Kid just doesn’t haven’t physically and Mentally. But Wilson is a very nice kid. Maroon also drafted a supporting cast with Eli “I am a vagina” Shedd, Ayush “Honeybuns” Sharma, and Aaron “GOAT” Brody. Don’t forget about Jorge “El Toro” Echeveria. The kid may not have any skills as a basketball player but I bet he makes magic happen this season. This team has a lot of potential with its depth, but it may also turn into a shutshow very quickly. Good luck to the boys on Maroon.

Navy

Navy Blue is looking to shock the world this year. We may not have the best team but we have the most heart. A big theme on this team is the experience of this team. There is only one underclassmen on this team. To start us off we had top pick and lucked out with number 2 overall. With a no brainer, we went with Evan “Dawg” Heilman who is the BEST player in the league hands down. This man can cross you up, shoot it in your face, and pick steal your cookies. Everyone in this league should worry about this kid. After Evan, we went with Brian “McBrush” McCombs. Brain will offer a big body in the paint that can get rebounds, defend, and make open layups. 3 picks later, Blue Balls drafted Ben “Chewy” Lund. Ben Lund is a quick 3-point specialist that will be cold-blooded. Heath “Wonderboy” Erdos was our next pick. Heath will offer another guard position that can contribute to the team. I don’t thing anybody has seen Heath ball, so we got a 50/50 shot with him. After Heath we drafted Kevin “Dog-F*cker” Finn. Although Kevin may be intimate with dogs, we hope he will put his mut to the side and balls . In the 6th round, we signed Danny “pays people to hang out with him” Dabulis. Dan we be on the perimeter the majority of the game, and he will rain down threes this season. Next, we got Cal “Scilly Willy” Sollie. Cal is on the of the nicest kids in the league. He also is very tall and hopefully he can make some plays. Lastly, we picked Aidan “Eats” Moss. Don’t really know much about him, but we hope he can dribble a basketball. That wraps up Navy Blue Balls roster. This team will be a championship caliber because of the depth we have on the team not to mention the best captain duo in the league this year. We gonna make a run this year. It’s our year.

Royal Blue

I feel bad for whoever got drafted to this team (besides RJ). This team is one of the most sorry teams in rec basketball history. They are led by Zach “Why can’t I fuck a grandma?” Ioli. Ioli is a great player and great leader but the kids has to keep it in his pants. No one wants you to bring your South Park grandma who you are seeing. This team depends on Ioli’s play and hopefully he can keep his Johnson out of Madam Johnson to keep his team in the top side of the league. The other captain is Nate “My Dad beats me in 1v1s” Murphy and he is gotta be one of the most inconsistent players in the league. Nate could pull up from the white line and scream “KOBE” and still it, but he could also pull up and scream “MY PUSSY HURTS” and shoot it to the free throw line. If the legit Nate Murphy shows up this team could make a run. To help the most hated team get hated more, Royal Blue drafted RJ “Jack Steve’s Apprentice” White. I may have Jack Steve’s old color, but it’s like Royal wanted to be the new Jack Steve era. They then decided to draft Danny “I wear the same sweatshirt everyday” Harkelroad. I feel bad for Danny. He is a very talented kid that will be stuck on the most hated team in the league. The kid does have the biggest chode in the whips though. They also picked Robbie “Freshman of the year” and Cory “El Presidente” Horgan. These two are very good players that will helped make this team a contender. They then drafted Anthony “The better” Ioli because they desperately need some well-liked players. They then drafted Gavin “I weigh 69 lbs” Fitzpatrick. Don’t know why they drafted him. He is so small and can be guarded by literally any freshman in the league. This team is above average, but somebody is gonna get bodied on their team. Look out Royal Blue for a rowdy season. I wanna wish Royal Blue good luck but I just can’t do it.

Red

This is the most red team I have seen in my 4 years of rec basketball. This team is filled with kids that can ball and outsmart the shit out of you. The average GPA on this team is rumored to be a 4.69 because literally every kid on this team is smart. They are lead by Paarth “I’m the president of 17 different clubs” Shankar is a very talented guard that can lock on defense. They also have a fellow Jew-Ball captain in Danny “I touch kids” Berlin. While he was on the KHK trip to the Domican Republic, I heard he touched a lot of kids (in the bad way). Aside from that, these are very strong captains that will cause trouble for the league. They drafted a freshman Soyum “I’m soft” Shankar. I love this kid, but him as a first rounder is very questionable considering people can get in his head with ease. Then, they desperately need someone to hold down the fort, so they drafted Jeffrey “Sauce God” Wambien. This kid is a solid draft choice, and one hell of a reviewer. From Black’s predictions on us this season, you know that I (Gabe) would love to be on Blaine’s Pizza Reviews. They also drafted Keith “My Dad is cooler than me” Kerber. Keith is a decent basketball player, but he is a twig. Rutowski’s willy got more girth than everyone on this teams limbs. This team will have trouble in the paint and they didn’t help their cause when they drafted Aidan “I can’t make a layup” Gordley and Justin “Faglin” Maglin. This team has a ton of talented guards, but they will not be able to defend someone weighing over 100 lbs. This team does have the talent to be middle of the park this year and I think they will be capable of putting it all together for a playoff push. Good luck to the boys in red this year.

White

This team was destined to be bottom of the barrel this year no matter what pick they got in this years draft. There captains Matt “I’ll take a bloody nickel” Godwin will chuck up bricks the entire season. For anyone that wants the ball on this team, I would recommend stealing the ball of Matt during the game because he is bound to go 1/100 every game this year. The other captain Riley “I broke my ankle fisting myself too hard” Fitzsimmons is a good ball handler that this team will need all year. But because he couldn’t keep his ass away from his foot. They will have to manage without him. They also drafted Colin “Overrated” McClinden. Colin will literally have score 100% of this team’s points in order for them to win. Riley and Matt decided to drastically make their team worse by adding Cooper “How am I still living?” Phillips. Coop will not contribute anything to the team. He will only be there for the pregame because there is no chance he will remember playing in the game. Cooper has gotta be one of the worst players to draft in the league. They drafted a very high valued target in Hunter “Always Derbed Up” Halloway. Hunter will be crucial for this team and let me tell you, it ain’t for his basketball skills. They also drafted a very smart pick in Tyler “I look like a woman from my backside” Horgan. This kid may no have the talent of his brother, but he has the heart that this team will need in this season. They then drafted Drew “Ripley’s secret lover” Blodget who I think has no jumper. He may be able to dribble the basketball but he has no threat from three. They then drafted some goons in Yanuk “YANUK” something and Gavin “America’s Funniest Home Videos” Wyland. This team was lost from the beginning, but because they drafted a decent supporting cast behind Colin and Tyler, I believe this team will be mediocre at best. Good look to the Coked Boys this year.

Black

Wow! This team had so much potential at the beginning of the draft, but every pick after their first rounder was garbage. Black is led by Dustin “Pizza face” Riberi and Kevin “I got cut from my Jew-Ball team” Krawcyzk. First of all, Kevin is utter trash at basketball. The kid got cut from our Jew-ball team, and believe me, the competition ain’t that good. Kevin has the athleticism of a great player, but he can’t put it through the hole (ironic). They also have Dustin who is a great player. However, I will be holding parties in his head every week and the whole league is invited. The kid just can’t score. He would rather give a freshman the ball than try to score. It’s just sad how this team lacks a leader. I think they knew that they didn’t have leadership on this team, which is they drafted Herb “I have no friends so I hang with seniors” Gordon. Herb was our second favorite draft target behind Pup because he is such a versatile player. He can body you, shot in your face, and play tough defense. This kid will lead this team as long as he can have the ball for the majority of the game. The Black team also drafted Ike “Pear” Tyger. This kid looks like a pear and he is as soft as a pear is. He will offer this team a big body in the paint, but let’s hope he doesn’t get his ass bodies. They also drafted Colin “Sweatpants” Sibley. You can expect Sibley to wear sweatpants to every game and to airball about 10 threes a game. I don’t know why they drafted him this early because Sibley has no talent on the court. I don’t think this team understands what talent is in basketball because they drafted Nitesh “Indian Brotha from Another Motha” Nagpal. Nitesh is a big body that this team needed, but he doesn’t know how to play basketball. The kid travels with the ball more than his dad does during the weekends. They then drafted Basil “I’m named after the fake weed” Despines. Don’t be alarmed when this kid yells QUIET DOWN PLEASE when he shoots the ball. Next up, this team has JJ “Twig” Cuddy. I don’t see this team getting any help besides its top 4 players. Black has absolutely no shot at the playoffs and no depth either. Good luck to Black because your gonna need it.

Teal

I have this team at the bottom half of the league because of all of the unknowns on this team. The only people I have seen play on this team are the captains Michael “MIKEY” Orsino and Jake “Steve” Stevenson are ballers. They might be one of the most deadly duos in the league, but they need a second line to help them compete for a championship. With the last first round pick, they went with Mateo “Stud” Ceppullio. He may be good at b-ball, but he is a FRESHMAN. He will not be able to run is own line or even score more than 5 points a game. This team drafted another unknown with Tyler “Sleeper” Gleim. They also drafted Evan “Lanky Boi” Vopal in the hopes that he can be as good as his brother. The rest of this team is underclassmen which is another reason why I have them at the bottom of the league. Half their team may not even be able to dribble the ball. They drafted Alex “Eraser Snorter” Mudry who is a fantastic last round pick. The kid will probably score more points on his own team than the opposing team, but he will offer some experience to this young team. If this team can answer all the unknowns with some positive play, this time can crack the top five. But for now, this team will remain at the bottoms half of our list. I wish the best of luck to Teal.

Orange

This team had two of the top round picks, but they have the worst co-captains in the league. Honestly, who let these kids captain this year. Their first captain Jack “ I play baseball if u didnt know ” Beggy can only score from outside the paint. He is 4 foot and the vertical of a 3 year old. He is by no means a number one guard on a team. Along with that, he will Lyndon tacos after the game (and I ain’t talking about Moes) There other captain Michael “Plot or Not?” Walsh is straight garbage and will be sitting on the bench with his thumb up his ass. Both of these players would have gone 3rd round, which is why they probably decided to be captains. They drafted a stud in CJ “I’m the reason they’re co-Ed bathrooms” Hess. Although he has lost some height, CJ is very quick and has a wet jumper. Someone tells the refs to watch out form CJ getting too handsy in the paint. They also drafted Sam “Burrito” Berlin who is gotta be one of my favorite players. He can drill a 3, body you, or make you a mean burrito at Chipotle. The kid has got that IT factor this team needs. It just sucks that this team’s captains are garbage for CJ and Sam. The rest of this team is very young, which is yet another problem. Besides Connor “Freckles” Jamison, the rest of this team will not help the cause. Look for this team to finish in the back 4 of the league. Good Luck Orange.

Kush Green

For a Kush Green team, this team has a good chance if not bring last in the league. One because Purple is so bad this year, and because they have a talented roster. Expect this team to show up 30 seconds before tip with red eyes. No way this team can contend for a championship, but they definitely can knock off a higher ranked team. With Cary “I look like an ape” Young and Jason “When am I not high?” Levy, Kush has some potential. Cary was a former travel team star before he grew another chromosome and turned into a gorilla. He now just bricks layups and air balls 3s. Levy used to be a baller, but he got his head stuck in the clouds (too high). All Levy can do these days is run from white line to white line and beg for air. The lungs are killer for this team. The next pick for Kush was Tim “White Trash” Vopal. If you see Tim for the first time, your mind will jump to rich white suburban kids that thinks he can ball. Although most of that is true, Tim is a baller. He is a premier player in the league, but if you give him a little ball tap before the game, he will be scared to score. This team also drafted Ryan “Menace” Rauber is a straight dawg on the court. He is easily one of the lost slept on players in the league. This is literally the only king going for Kush Green. They also drafted two solid Jewish basketball players in Nkita “Raging Russian” Knobel and Josh “Super Rich Kid” Brufsky who will probably the most important player for Kush’s chemistry. They need Nkita to play like he does in Synagogue League when he crosses kids Yamikahs up, and they need Brufsky to bring the juice for pregame festivities. The rest of this team is in it for the good times. They have Hashim “What happened to this kid? Durrani, Shreyes “My little brother fucks my dog” Vivek, and Hunter “I was a dad for 3 weeks Wallace”. All of these players will be funny to watch as none of them know what basketball is. Lastly, they got Matthew “Hulk” Newman. This kid will be the most electrifying player in the league. Getting him in the 6th round was a steal and Newman will prove the entire league why he will run the league next year. Kush Green has potential to be a decent team this year if their stars can carry a team and then some. Good luck to the boys in Devil’s Grass Green.

Purple

I don’t how this team thinks they have a shot at winning more than 3 games. This team has a combination of the least talented roster and the worst captains this year. The captains Dom “Bodybag” Rodgers is one of the grittiest players in the league. He will elbow you in the eye before you step foot in the paint. If you happen to score on Dom, don’t be surprised when he tries to put you in the hospital with his anger. I’ll give somebody $5 if they can guess how many times Dom puts somebody in a bodybag. Watch out for this kid. Next, Holden “Touch my sack” Ford is another terrible ball player. I had 12 points on him last year when he thought he could guard me. Holden is also so uncoordinated it hurts to watch him hold the b-ball. The captains on this team needed a great draft to make this team have a chance, but I guess they decided to throw away their season. The made a good first round draft pick with Antonio “Don’t talk about my mom” Orsini. Orsini is a top big man in the league and will offer some help in the defensive department. After Orsini, this team just shit itself during the draft. They selected Eagan “5th Leg” Rutowski. Good luck guarding Eagan when he goes up for a shoot because you will most likely get a face full of his huge dong. Other than that threat Eagan is not dangerous. His shot is broken and he can’t dribble without hitting the ball off his foot. Purp also drafted a perfect fit for this team in Andrew “Skate Fast, Eat Ass” Woomer. The nickname is all I need to say except for the fact that he will be the glue that keeps this team cooked. They also draft Nick “Ravioli” Natoli who I honestly don’t know anything about. They drafted Michael “Borderline Midget” Stamm. Mic is very short, but I have never seen him ball. He has potential, but he may die his first game of the season because he can’t keep up with the big boys. They also drafted a sleeper in Coby “From Three” Markovitz. Coby is a solid player, but confidence for him will be a problem in the league. They finished the draft with Mason “Why am I on this team?” Meddings. Mason is a rev b-ball veteran, and he will offer experience to the young players in this team. Their last pick Dex “1st year Senior” Stamm. Hopefully this kid is a baller, but he is actually a midget. This team is by far the worst in the league, but I can’t wait to see this team play. Good luck to the boys in Purple.