Navy - To start we have Gabe “60 piece nugget” Riberi who is a great guy and a great baller. The league should watch out because you can’t let this man heat up from three. Next we got Ryan “both my parents are hot af” Ghise who is another great player, which makes us love this captain duo. With their first pick, they took Evan “I use to know a pup” Heilman, this man couldn’t sniff the court for the jv team so had to test his luck in rec. We will see how this turns out, but we consider him to be one of the top players in the league or even the best because he is an elite all-around player. Brian “McDouble” McCombs was another great pick up for this squad. He is a big body, so if they put him and Gabe down low together, then game over. Next we got Ben “collarbone of steel” Lund is a great point guard from years past, hopefully he can produce this season as well. Heath “Brian Yates” Erdos hasn’t proved himself in the league yet and we don’t expect anything special either, but he’s a good guy at heart. All this team needs at this point is someone to fill in as a small fry and they’ll have a value happy meal. Overall, this team will be a threat.

Orange- For orange, they had the best draft selections out of the entire league. First off, we’ll start with Mick “loves a good thumbsy up the bumsy” Walsh has a love for the game. Some people may consider him average, but we know you can’t let the microwave heat up. Watch out.

Next we got Jack “I’m in love” Beggy who is another very average player at best. While some people may say “it’s just beggy” whenever he gets the ball, we know better to not mess with this captain duo. With their first pick, we love the fact they took CJ “I like men and women” Hess that we even tried to make a trade for him. We consider CJ the top player in the league this year and we think people are mistaken to be sleeping on this man. With another big body in Sam “The taller one” Berlin, he has been putting in the work at the rec center lately. He has an unstoppable low post hook shot and also makes a mean bowl at Chipotle on Monday nights. They went with the young approach for the rest of their picks, but hopefully it’ll work out for them this season.

Carolina- Listen, the league is considering this team as the “best” team in the league, but we aren’t so certain with that. Will they put on a show? Probably. Do they have the talent and potential? Absolutely. Do they cherp a lot and think they are the shit? No doubt… We all know captains Matt “My dad taught me how to fondle an asshole” Goldman and Jason “did you know I was the starting quarterback” Sweeney are two of the top players in the league and can score at will. Then they took Harvey “Mr. mood swing and have I told you that I think I’m really good at basketball yet” Rauch and Brandon “He’s a great guy and should have been on our team cause of the chem” Shearer are both great players, but all of these guys combined all add up to major ball hogs. We are interested to see who out of the four listed will pass the ball first. Our prediction is the first pass (including inbounds) will occur around week 6 while the first team fist fight will be around the first 3 minutes of week 1. We predict they will be a top 3 team this year if they have the ability to move the ball around the court.

Purp- What could be the fan favorite team and at the same time the worst team, purp is coming in with nothing to lose. With captains Dom “No knees” Rodgers and Holden “My brother plays football at pitt” Ford this team is already starting off at a disadvantage. These two don’t know much about basketball and it showed in the draft. With their first pick they took an athlete that goes by the name Antonio “Can’t last 15 seconds” Orsini. Like we said he is a great athlete but basketball is not the sport for him. His shooting is rough but he doesn’t let that stop him from shooting 25 shots a game. The team still doesn’t improve as their next pick is Ethan “I used to be fat” Rutowski. He has one of the biggest heads in the league and is here for a good time, that’s about it. No one else on this team is even worth noting, therefore this team will sadly finish last.

Gold- The captains on this team are mediocre at best. Although they talk more than anyone, their game can’t back it up. Antonio ”Meat Dick” Thomas has a nice long ball shot, but can’t seem to run down the court for defense. Don’t be surprised to see this man taking a mid game break to eat some chipotle to fuel the meat dick. Then they have Nate “I show everyone my balls” Ripley who believes he can lock anyone down. Ask him how his one on ones went against Harvey. From what I’ve heard he is still trying to score a point on him. With the third pick they went with Jesse “Once a college prospect” Fera. Sure he can play, but the only time he will give you the ball is when you get one of his rebounds. He’s a great shooter and can score at will, so don’t let this man heat up because he can easily take over a game. Next they drafted Joe “my sisters are hot af” Lackner, who has been known to be pretty good. Honestly, we don’t know too much about Joe’s game but we heard he chucks up the occasional airball. After Joe they drafted Ross “my sister is better at sports than me” Petrone and Tim “Tactical” Dashbach. These two may not be the best players on the court, but they will grab a lot of boards and have fun. The rest of the team is eh so no need to write about them. Good luck boys.

Royal Blue- This team may look like a threat on paper, but once they hit the court it all changes. The captains for this bunch are Nate “C-Team ball hog” Murphy and Zach “Rufi” Ioli are great guys and great players. Both players are lock down defenders and will have to focus on the fast break to score some key points. Besides these two, we don’t think their team is that good. Even though they drafted RJ “Jack Steve reborn” White and Danny “do you know my brother” Harkleroad that might be the best big man duo in the league, we just don’t see the chem with this team because of RJ. Literally, the man can be quadruple covered and if you yell shoot it he will. That says something. If they can somehow get RJ to pass the ball and to not elbow people  constantly then they will be a threat. But to tie this team together, they drafted Cory “Cmon Cuh” Horgan who was a great pick in our minds. Cory puts in the work at the rec center and once he gets in his rhythm he has an unstoppable jumper. Don’t sleep on Cordog. They also drafted Anthony “Big Anth” Ioli who is a great person. People have been sleeping on this man, but we expect a break out year for Anthony averaging two points a game. He may not be the best player skill wise, but he is a great morale booster. If the captains can get the ball moving and the fast break are in sync, then watch out for this team.

Red- We believe this will be a top 5 team in the league this year. Led by Captains Dan “Shalom” Berlin and Paarth “Tom Wolf” Shankar, this team is already at an advantage. These two could be the best captain duo throughout the league. Both Dan and Paarth can score at will from deep and down low, while locking their opponents down on defense. We love their first pick in the draft. Sohum “I’m just a freshman” Shankar is a really good player and has the chem with Dan and Paarth for obvious reasons. The only problem with Sohum is that we don’t know how he will react to the crowd cheerping at him when he misses a shot. If he doesn’t let it get to his head, then he will be a force. Watch out. Next, they drafted Jeffrey “I love Vocelli pizza” Warmbein. Jeff is a top 3 big man in the league and is a great scorer down low and from three. They also drafted Keith “My dad is cooler than me” Kerber. We love Keith and believe he was a great mid-round pickup for this squad. Keith will fit right in with this squad and will make the occasional three ball if it’s ever passed to him. The team also snagged to gentlemen late in the round that go by Yash “Big econ guy” Jajoo and Basir “I’m sexy af” Khan. These two are always at the rec and are on the dl throughout the league. All we have to say about these two is to not let them heat up from three. The only problem with this team would be rebounding because majority of their team loves to hang around the arc.

Black- Led by Dustin “Have I snapped this girl yet” Riberi and Kevin “Sailor Suit” Krawczyk, this team only has a few threats. Dustin is a sneaky player whenever he isn’t afraid to shoot the ball and Kevin makes the occasional shot. Both players are here to enjoy the ride, but can also heat up real quickly. They drafted Herb “Ben” Gordon with their first pick who has been an absolute beast at the rec center recently. This man does not miss a three point shot and can drive on you easily. He hasn’t really proven his defensive abilities yet, but we’ll see this thursday as he tries to guard our team. Personally, we would say Herb is a top seven player in this league. Next, they drafted Ike “I flip trucks to feed the family” Tyger. Ike is by far the biggest player in the league and seems like he could be a threat down low. After Ike, they drafted Colin “I got insecure about my long hair” Sibley. He either airballs or swishes a three, no in between. They also drafted Nitesh “I went to Belize if you didn’t know” Nagpal, who was really wanted by team red. He has a love for the game and can hopefully produce on the court, but we do expect a lot of rebound out of this man. Basically, if you shut Herb down, then their team will lose. The rest of their team is mediocre, so good luck this thursday against our squad boys.

Teal- A lot of people are sleeping on this team, but we know better than that. Led by Mike “C team all-star” and Jake “Aloha” Stevenson, they are already at a strong point over several teams. Mike is a unstoppable scorer inside and outside, so locking him down is a key. Jake is probably a top 5 big man this year and gets a ton of rebounds. Good luck trying to get around him to get a board, unstoppable box out. Besides these two, they took Mateo “maybe people will like me because of Dom” Cepullio. Mateo is also being slept on by numerous people all because he is a freshman. We put Mateo in the same boat as Sohum Shankar that as long as his head isn’t messed with, then he will be a force. They also took Tyler “blondie” Gleim. Gleim was a top player last year in the playoffs, so hopefully he can produce this year as well. Mike and Steve had two great first picks, but the rest of the team is just eh. Hopefully these four can produce on their own or else they will suck.

White- This team was very fortunate on draft day recieving the #1 overall pick. With captains Matt “Ed” Godwin and Riley “Cream” Fitzsimmons this already sounds like a fun team. White is going to have to hop on Colin “3 year varsity letterman” Mclinden’s back and hope he can carry them to the promise land. That’s going to be hard, but if there is one player in the league that can do it, it’s Colin. Next they took Cooper “My real name is Matthew” Phillips who can drain a couple shots when he’s feeling himself. Second round talent? Of course not. But he is a great guy and loves the game. All in all this team needs to find Colin on the court and give him the ball if they want to win.

Kush Green- If this team shows up able to see where the hoop is we’ll be shocked. Other than that disadvantage this team is led by some great captains. Jason “If you don’t smoke we can’t be friends” Levy is a great big man who can knock down shots from anywhere. Also Cary “Old” Young is a solid point guard who can score from all around as well. Their first pick was Tim “Cross the line” Vopal who is actually a pretty good player who CAN DUNK. We still can’t believe it even when we see it everyday at the rec. Next they took Ryan “real tall guy” Rauber who is also very solid and is willing to pass the ball. The player who we are waiting to see the most is none other than Matthew “Patriots” Newman. Rumor has it he has the nicest shot in the league and we completely believe it. This team will finish the year with one, if not the, worst records in the league.

Maroon- Led by the two most underrated capatins in the league this team is going places. James “It’s spelled D-E-I-U-L-I-I-S” Deiuliis can and will shoot the ball from anywhere on the court, but can also grab some big man boards down low. Josh “The Krackon” Krakoff has one of the nicest mid range shots in the league and is a very solid point guard who isn’t afraid to take his game down low. These first two picks could have been the steals of the draft with Nate “I do in fact know english” Hamel and Mark “Who can also speak English” Krowlczyk. These could be the best juniors in the draft and it will show on the court. Hamel is the best big man in our minds and will be a huge factor for scoring this season. For Mark, a lot of people are sleeping on him and think he’s just average. But come thursday night, we guarantee Mark will prove the haters wrong and will toast his defender. Next we took Advaya, also known as “Walmart Paarth” was a huge grab by us. Some people don’t like his flashy style of play, but it’ll fit in perfectly with our squad. We see Advaya and Mark as solid guards this season. We also got Wilson “caught someone’s house on fire” Henderson, who is a solid big boy. Wilson grabs a ton of boards, which will be crucial. But also watch out for his fade away mid range shot, it’s lethal. We were able to grab Eli “nice guy” Shedd who will also be a clean guard this season. Moral of the story is for the league to expect a lot of flashy threes and big man moves this season. P.S: Hamel has been doing some speech therapy classes the last few months, so communication will not be a problem for this squad. Good luck to everyone this year.

Rankings:

1. Maroon

2. Carolina

3. Navy

4. Orange

5. Red

6. Royal blue

7. Gold

8. Teal

9. White

10. Black

11. Kush

12. Purp