Rankings:

1. Gold

2. Carolina

3. Charcoal

4. Cardinal

5. Maroon

6. Royal

7. Purp

8. Orange

9.  Kush

10.  Scarlett

11.  Navy

12. Coke White

1. Gold:

This might be the greatest rec team ever assembled. Starting off with Max “Cougar” Mandler who is a cocky bitch but fortunately for him, the kid can back it up. Next you got me, Urbo, a definite top 10 player in my opinion but who’s counting. After those two studs, we got Alex “I would get any girl if i were taller” Jones with our first round pick. A solid shooter and as long as he's not snapchatting girls 4 inches taller than him, he will be a huge contributor to the team. Jackson “Sleeper” Howe is an absolute steal. Even though I have no clue who he is, I'm very excited to have him because the word on the street is that he played center on the Freshman ball team last year. After Howe we stayed big and went with Ethan “edawg” Rocks, this kid is an absolute unit but I pray to god he is better at making layups than he is at 5 footers on the links. Aidan “Not Joe” Houck is gonna be a monster on the boards and key player on the defensive side of the ball. The BEST pick in the entire draft is Ryan “Mohawk Molester” Higgs. Straight CASH from 3 and BEAST on defense. By the end of the season my goal is to get this kid to bring back his mohawk, that thing was deadly. Rounding out the squad is Aaron “Lowkey Baller” Brody, Max “Slayer” Bywalski and Rohit “not makkuni” Sattuluri. Damn, what a team, Gold by a million.

2. Carolina:

Rob “tough downgrade” Henricks and Ridge “im slightly above average at every sport” McClintock did a very very good job in this draft. Snagging Brady “can’t stop won’t stop” Bartusiak at whatever pick they had was a steal. Brady doesn’t know the term “going easy” so expect tons of defensive pressure and good boards from him. Jack “stealthy and healthy” Myers is gonna be great for this team. He’s fast and allusive as fuck and might be the MVP for this team. I’ve heard Zack “Dancer” Ehasz is good but time will tell with that pick. If that one works out well, Carolina is dangerous. Same thing with Ty “railed her” Reimer. Baden “Thursday” Friday is a good athlete and might be really good if he can make a shot. If Noah “probably soft” Gordley is as good as his brother he’ll be a great role player for this team. Jake “meathead” Lapinski is really good I guess and a STEAL this late in the draft. Marshall “how not who” Howe is probably decent and has potential. Good looks from Carolina and they are definitely the team to watch behind Gold. 

3. Charcoal:

Jake “Commitment Issues” Casey and Josh “It's my fault the entire grade has a gambing addiction” Brufsky are two literal idiots but surprisingly had a solid draft. Also- I give Brufsky 3 weeks before he gets kicked out of the league. Book it. Brandon “I could totally bang her bro” Lio is a very questionable first round pick and a total X factor. If Lio plays well, this team will be good, if he gets caught up chasing girls that want Jake instead, then this team could be in some trouble. Charcoal also finished off the “Fuck USC girls, lets get other townships’ bitches” team by snagging Drew “I cheated in 8th grade” Blodgett in a post draft trade. Josh “Lax Sweatshirt” Howard is a nice big man and Matt “She’s way out of my league” Russ is a good perimeter shooter. Nick “Laughs a lot” Tanner might be good but most likely not, and I’ve heard Bennett “My name sounds like i’m in preschool” Henderson is decent but he might touch the ball twice all year so who cares. Nico “Livs Brother” Amatongelo could end up being a decent late round pick. At the end of the day this is Jake’s team and he’s taking 98% of the shots. 

4. Cardinal

Connor “Nice Guy” Schmitt and Jordan “Varsity Role Player” Kweder have to be the nicest captain duo in the league. Unfortunately that doesn’t do shit for them. This team has Hamel and Warmbein written all over them. Great potential, shitty execution. Only time will tell. They picked up a good 1st rounder in Koby “JCC” Markovitz, this kid can play and will bring a nice perimeter presence to this team. I’ve heard Gordon “Not Racist” Groninger is a solid player and I wanted him. Great pick. After that they flatlined, Hunter “Crackhead” Hanna might have trouble calming himself down before these games. Hunter “What’re you doing in my swamp” Shroeck and Will “This kid doesn’t have a profile picture on instagram” Haberman will need to provide good minutes for this team. The end of this draft was atrocious. I’m calling it, this team is the Hamel and Warmbein of last year. 

5. Maroon

Franco “underated boxer” D’amico and Triston “waste of potential” Schaffer are the biggest question mark when it comes to captains. I can’t really tell if this duo is gonna be dog shit or fly under the radar and shock the league. Jake “probably a future drug addict” Howard was a fantastic pick. This kid can get it done in the paint and run the floor like an animal. Look for Howard to have a breakout year. I have literally no clue who Tyson “I have varsity in my IG Bio” Swigart but the fact that he has Varsity Lacrosse in his bio makes me hate this kid already. Johnny “i haven’t outgrown Johnny yet” Mcshane is a good athlete and could be an average player in the league. Cole “not asian” Lang is a great kid but a pretty god awful basketball player. terrible pick here. Finishing out the squad you got Landon “New” York and David “wannabe hoe” Goldberg. Those two aren’t gonna do anything. Sleeper pick of the draft is Tanav “my mom signed me up” Dandekar. The only reason he’s a sleeper is because the chances of him attending are slim to none. This team could go undefeated or winless.

6. Royal

What a shit draft this was. Tucker “head fake” Neal and Nikita “Want to see my tattoo?” Knobel had a lot of potential before the draft. Unfortunately these idiots drafted piss poor. Eddie “minecraft head” Albert and Matt “I stopped growing after 5th grade” Haverlack are two busts in my opinion, but I hope they prove me wrong. Taking Nick “Ogre” Chimento is actually not a bad pick. This kid isn’t awful but has a bad rep in the league, i could see him being a decent big this year. I think when they took Tyler “chicken noodle” Super they said the wrong name because i’m not sure what this pick was. Dhruv “Perky” Saggi wouldve been there in the 8th round but i mean, how could you pass on this name? Mike “accident” Menard, Drew “pick and” Popp, and Wolfram “woof” Schmidt might have a negative impact on this team. I think this season would be a success for royal if Nikita and Tucker don’t crash their car before a game this season.

7. Purp

This is one of the best purp teams we’ve seen in this rec league. Ryan “wait i thought the game starts in 20 minutes” McKeever and Gavin “I got cut from the golf team” Fitz are gonna do a great job this year. Coach Luke “future dad of 12 kids” Gensler is gonna lead this team to 2 victories. Charlie “My girlfriend towers over me” Eberle is the future of purp, a decent player and fits the scheme perfectly. Jack “Stone Feet” Shearer is a decent shooter but might be the worst defensive player in the history of the league. Maddox “reserved for this team” Stamm is on this team for one reason and one reason only. Charlie “innocent” Stohl has no idea what he has been drafted into and i apologize in advance. Quinn “Q” Fitzpatrick is a dog and will dominate all you freshman pussies. besides that this team sucks. but it is purp what can you expect? I got Purp winning the on court activities for the Kush Bowl but i think Kush will put up a great fight.

8. Orange

The play of the draft was having Ruby fake an injury and drop to #4. Great finesse by the young life squad Will “future Nick” Engel and Brandon “Protein Powder” Coe. Nick “I just look like a douche” Derubis is the best player in the draft. I used to hate this kid but he’s actually an above average human and I look for him to try to lead a pretty shit team to a few wins. Ben “copy and paste of Jack Myers” Bacdayan is a nice grab, he’s a great athlete but limited when it comes to actually putting the basketball into the hoop. Jesus “God” Segura is really bad i don’t have much else to say, but he will definitely be entertaining to watch. Greyson “my parents didn’t know what to name me” Bayer is a big body and he is the sleeper of this team. Nate “sisters are off limits” Rising is supposedly a good 3 point shooter and if i had to guess he is definitely a great distributor/passer. Just a hunch. This years orange squad is definitely an improvement from last year but still isn’t very good. At least he’s better than Conwell’s team

9. Kush

The fact that Gavin “Yev” Wyland and Cyrus “Former hot head, current pot head” Khani showed up on mars and drafted a decent team is very impressive and that’s why they crack the top 10. First they got Billy “I was told to leave from basketball tryouts” Salapow and Liam “Hoodie” Szjanecki and these two are actually very good. Cyrus and those 2 on the same line could be dangerous. Donovan “I wore jeans to Travel Basketball tryouts” Kholer isn’t great but you never know he could shock the world (Probably not). Bryan “Chipmunk” Scanlon is a good player and can knock down shots. I heard Evan “Lawrence” Taylor is a very good athlete but Cyrus and Yev had no idea whenever they picked him. I’m pretty sure Mr Sukernek just gave that kid to Kush, which is bullshit because i was gonna draft him. Peter “Lefty” Janowski isn’t bad either. This kush team is one of the better ones i’ve seen. The kush bowl is MUST WATCH this year. 

10. Scarlett

I wish this team was last on my list but unfortunately we have some worse teams. Drew “I cry at the turkey bowl every year” Conwell and Ethan “unfortunate last name” Hancock did a really bad job with this draft. Mateo “overrated” Cepullio isn’t the 2nd overall pick. He’s good, definitely not 2nd. The chances of him trying are also pretty slim so this team is fucked. I wish i could say more about Connor “I’d bet my life savings he’s a Notre Dame fan because he’s Irish” O’Neil but I have no clue who he is. So definitely not worth a 2nd round pick. Marcus “potential but didn’t work out” Fennell is a MAN and i hope he steps up his post game this year and plays well. Danny “Manager” Murphy is actually pretty good and will knock down 3 or 4 of the 35 three pointer attempts per game. Simon “I think i’m good” Andres isn’t bad but definitely not the player he thinks he is. Sammy “Mini Mario” Moss is fast as shit but he would get blocked by beetlejuice. Jake “way more athletic than my brother” Zeh is a great late round pick but Freshman won’t do shit this year. and Finally Jan “there’s no way this kids name is Jan that has to be a typo” Sames sounds like a good guy. Mateo, i’m sorry you got stuck with this team again, what a shit rec experience you’ve had.

11. Navy

what. the. fuck. is. this. team. I don’t even know where to start. When youve got Aedan “The most sarcastic kid on earth” and Dom “I’ll get with her next time” Egizio as captains it’s bound for disaster. Taking Zach “I have no control over my body” Fairfill at THIRD overall has to be the worst pick in rec basketball history. Literal dog shit. Sorry Zach nothing against you, I was gonna take you at #12 overall. Jacob “Woof” Hufnagel is a good idea but way too early. Sorry dom. Everyone keeps talking about Drake “Dong” Wrangler but I have no opinion on this kid, could be good could be shit. Aaron “I’ll have earbuds in everytime you see me” Lattner is a decent player but can’t hear because he’ll have on uzi the entire time he’s playing. Jacob “really smart” Lucas is a genius and could probably beat the whole league combined in a math contest. Daniel “Land” Seewald is a great kid so you’ve got that going for you. David “I retweet and reply to every student section tweet” Dedes has to be a scrawny lowkey athlete. I hope i nailed that description. And finally Alex “I wish my last name was Tisdale” Tindale, no clue, but best of luck to Alex having to deal with Dom.

12. White 

Just when I thought Navy was bad I took a look at this team. Sam “ugliest jump shot in the world” Phillips and Kristian “Frat Boy wannabe” Karidas are brutally bad. Tough to watch these guys shoot around. Sohum “Indian Kevin Durant” Shank is a baller and a freak athlete but he got bum fucked with this team. Kyle “when will puberty hit?” Kerber is a great kid and can shoot well but if he goes into the paint he might break every bone in his body. Zain “zooooook” Aizooky is actually pretty good and will probably be the 2nd leading scorer on this team. After this pick it spirals out of control for Coke White. I’m not even gonna go in depth about their players because going winless is a lock.