1. Scarlet 

2. Gold

3. Carolina

4. Charcoal 

5. Royal 

6. Cardinal 

7. Maroon 

8. Orange

9. Purp

10. Kush

11. Navy

12. White 

1. Scarlet 

My team is easily the most slept on and it’s not even close. But I say let em sleep. There is nothing more dangerous than a fighter with nothing to lose. But, let’s start. I mean me, Drew “I averaged 2 a game last year and think I’m good” Conwell is absolutely special on the court. Walking triple double. Plus I added a jumper. Sheeeesh. Ethan “I can’t even rip on this guy he’s too nice” Hancock is a solid athlete and will score. Mateo “good lord could he be more Italian” Cepullio is the best player in the draft. No cap. Connor “The entire draft room flamed Conwell for picking him” O’Neil is a seriously elite player. Let them sleep. Marcus “Baby Shaq” Fennell will be an absolute body in the paint this year. No cap. Sammy “better than his brother” Moss will provide shooting for us and guys like Simon “I just have Econ with him and don’t know what to say” Andres will get it done for us. I heard he played travel for his childhood which is sick. Danny “RecSpecs” Murphy is basically Jimmer Fredette and will not miss from deep, I mean bro wears RecSpecs his vision is in HD. Jake “Big Play” Zeh was the trade of the century. This kid can hoop. Jan “LeBron” Sames is a beast on the court and an even nicer guy. I promise we can play. 

2. Gold

They had a hell of a draft. Excellent work by the best captain duo in the league. Max “most hated” Mandler will unfortunately likely average 30+ and we will have to hear about his stat line the next day in school. RIP to everyone in his lunch or classes. Jack “degenerate gambler #2” Urbo is an excellent basketball player lotta respect for him as a hooper. Alex “Heart over height because I’m like 5”7” Jones can spread the floor however 12th overall was a bit high. I can’t tell you anything about Jackson “Gordie” Howe but Ethan “Camp” Rocks was a nice pickup. Aidan “Nicest guy in the league” Houck is a great kid and I got nothing but respect for him. Don’t rly care about the rest of this team being that they’ll be lucky to touch the ball the entire year.

3. Carolina 

I hate the fact that this team is good. Rob “I only make 3’s from 1 spot on the court” Henricks and Ridge “Dir” McClintock are an excellent duo and man did they draft well. Brady “I post North Carolina sports on my story everyday” Bartusiak is an awesome first round pick and Jack “Middle school rec ball goat” Myers is great as well. Zack “your last name looks like it was spelled wrong” Ehasz is a presence. Ty “unreal soccer player” Reimer is a dude we wanted but I think he can be a big time guy. I don’t care enough about the rest of this team to write about them.

4. Charcoal

Most hated team besides gold please step up. Led by captain Jake “has been with every girl in the 412 area code” Casey is the most dominant player in the league. No one can guard him. However, after Jake things get spotty. Josh “Degenerate Gambler #1” Brufsky is not a great basketball player. Him averaging over 10 is less likely than his 8 team parlay hitting. Jeffrey Epstei... I mean Brandon Liokerias is a menace to society and is someone who is not a threat on the basketball court either. Josh “Sam Phillips... yes Sam Phillips dropped 16 on me in a game last year” Howard is ok offensively but the worst defensive player possibly in the history of basketball. Matt “definition of overrated” Russ will chuck up 10+ 3’s a game and be lucky to hit 2. Nick “I’ve been the same height since 5th grade” Tanner was a quality pick but I mean he’s still a C+ basketball player at best. As if this team couldn’t embrace the role of villain anymore, they trade for Drew “lost to me 11-6 in a 1 on 1 game” Blodgett. Liv’s brother and Bennett Henderson will likely get a free ride to a championship because of Jake, but they won’t impact at all.

5. Royal

I like this team. The captain duo is fantastic. Tucker “crossed me up at the rec” Neal is an extremely shifty basketball player and an absolute lights out shooter. Nikita “tatted up” Knobel is as Russian as one can get and man can this kid hoop. The Soviet Slasher is an absolute dog. Ed “solid” Albert is a good basketball player and a nice guy. That’s to the extent of the player they’re getting. Matt “used to be an absolute animal on the courts of 5th grade rec ball” Haverlack doesn’t have the size advantage he used to have but he can still play. Nick “just happy to be there” Chimento is the team morale booster and will for sure be flailing all over the court and be smiling the whole time. Tyler “Super Mediocre” Super is an absolutely fantastic guy but like his nickname suggests is super mediocre. Dhruv “he better average 30 with a name like that” Saggi is extremely unknown but I’ve heard rumors he can shoot. Drew “soccer” Popp without a doubt is a scrub. Again, this team wins MVP with names as they add Wolfram “Wolf Man” Schmidt. I love this kid already with a name like that. In the last round they got Mike “at the rec everyday but still can’t play” Menard. Great guy. Tries hard. Loves the game. Can’t play.

6. Cardinal

Again, I like this team. Connor “point center” Schmitt is nothing short of a great basketball player and he’s an even nicer guy. Jordan “idk why he’s so slept on dude is a top 3 player in the league” Kweder is utterly fantastic as well. Great guy too. Koby “soaking from 3” Markovitz was the perfect first round pick for this team. Gordon “idk anything about this guy except he plays football” Groniger prolly brings size to this team. Hunter “always on volume 100 even if it’s 7:40 AM on a Tuesday” Hanna will be bouncing off walls for this team. He will either injure himself or pass out from being so hype all the time on the court. Hunter “Shrek” Shroeck has the last name Schroeck but plays like Fiona. Will Haberman rips lax which I got respect for but no way he can play. Josh “David” Ortiz was actually a good pick but he can’t play D. Cole Super has the privilege of being Tyler’s brother but he can’t play. I have never heard of their last pick so.

7. Maroon

Maroon had a decent chance to build something special and they absolutely blew it. JJ “fake board man” Cuddy is the most unnecessarily physical player in basketball history. This dude shoulder checks you walking across the half court line. Can’t score consistently enough for a first round selection. Their captain Triston “down bad with crippling back issues” Schaffer is more likely to suffer from back issues than he is to consistently score. Buddy changes back braces more than he changes clothes. I mean sheesh I don’t see the hype. He will shoot 20 times and make 7 of those shots and say he had 20. Plus he is an absolute liability on the defensive end. Franco “has yet to prove he’s elite” D’amico is an awesome dude but I don’t see the elite talent. Jake “slightly better than Josh” Howard is fine I guess but will demand the basketball. He is extremely tall. Not a horrible pick. Tyson “menace to society” Swigart is the single worst driver in the history of humanity and there’s no way he can hoop. No disrespect whatsoever, but the man can not play the game of basketball. Johnny “plays hockey” McShane I heard he’s got some athletic ability but no chance he impacts. Cole “Bri’s brother” Lang I rly have nothing to say about him don’t know much. Landon “will be lucky to touch the ball more than 2x this year” York will impact exactly as much as his name suggests. I don’t care about the last 2 guys on this team.

8. Orange

I don’t mind this team at all. They had a strategy and executed. They absolutely finessed Navy with the Derebuis scam, and Nick “faked an injury to bamboozle Dom” Derebuis can absolutely play. Will “easily the nicest kid in the world” Engel is a great man and a little bit of a shooter from 3, but we will see if he can add more to his game. Brandon “Hulk on steroids” Coe should go pro in throwing elbows underneath the hoop but is a solid Rec player. Ben “I wish we had him” Bacdayan has been dominating pickup games at the rec recently. Dude can play but is unproven in a 5 on 5 game. Jesus “is 1-4 against me in 1 on 1 games” Segura is the single worst 1 on 1 player I’ve ever seen but picks it up in a 5 on 5 game. However, I have little faith in him after he said that Logan Paul would knock out a prime Mayweather. Greyson “we thought we’d get him in round 6” Bayer is ok but was a reach to me. Nate “sister” Rising is a non factor to me being the fact that this kids first career rec shot I blocked and sent into the bleachers then flexed. Not my proudest moment but whatever. Will “I’ve heard he might be ok” Closser is a question mark. Garret Z is a nobody to me bc I don’t know him as a basketball player, and Peter “Wengels brother” Engel if he’s anything like his brother will be a nice guy.

9. Purp

I loved what this team did at the draft. They are the best purp team ever and they haven’t seen a second of action yet. Ryan “was in his basketball prime freshman year” McKeever is still an excellent player. Gavin “best dressed at the draft and looked like a mob boss” Fitz will average double digits. Charlie “the future of purp” Eberle is a physical specimen on the court. Jack “immobile” Shearer has those D Rose legs and can’t move but will still chuck up like 30 shots a game and make 10. Dex “also the future of purp” Stamm is a lights out shooter. Charlie “didn’t think purp was gonna pick him” Stohl was a solid size selection. Joe “ginger” Reeder was not a bad pick however Jake “Walmart Chimento and way worse” Saigal” was. Quinn Fitz with his brother is like Lonzo and Lamelo on the court. Electric stuff. Good draft from purp. 

10. Kush

Kush had a quality draft considering their circumstances. Cyrus “I heard he hasn’t seen daylight since April 2020” Khani is a good basketball player but who knows what to expect. Gavin “Yev” Wyland is a character and a great guy. Then, Billy “good basketball player” Salapow is a good player. Respect for his game. But, these guys I just mentioned will likely be on another planet come game time. Then, Donovan “XXXL Shorts” Kohler is a character player and a perfect selection for Kush Green. Bryan “Byron” Scanlan is a mediocre basketball player but a nice guy. Tough to slander. Cagni, Brayden Lucas, and Evan Taylor are dudes I know nothing about. Finally, the undisputed most hated non senior in rec ball, Mikey “biggest ego for the weakest skill set” Barbritas. The B in Mikey B should stand for BonafideScrub. This kid absolutely blows and won’t shut up about the “disrespect” he’s been given like his captain didn’t offer all the other teams 50 dollars to take him. Mikey B is a miserable basketball player through and through. Nice kid but really hurts himself by not shutting up about his point totals and responding to every tweet on the rec ball twitter. But, whatever.

11. Navy

Oh lord. Talk about a bad draft. First they get absolutely bamboozled by Derebuis, and then take Zach “Goes hard in the paint” Fairfull. I love the kid and he’s a lock to be flailing all over the court but not a #3 guy. Then, they take Jacob “best sophomore” Hufanagel can apparently play but won’t be enough to overcome this teams shortcomings. Speaking of short, Aedan “5”1” Moss is a bonafide scrub. Then, they have Dom “looks like a created player on 2k” Egizio who plays like a 65 overall. He will be chucking up 60+ shots a game. Then we got Drake “and josh” Wangler who is an ok player. No slander for him. Just ok. Then, the leagues most lovable player, Aaron “Slattner” Lattner is a great guy with a big heart and an ok jumper but he won’t be enough to overcome this teams pitiful draft. Then, Daniel “I can’t think of a name for you” Seewald is apparently ok but whatever. Daniel “wtf is your twitter profile pic” Dedes is without a doubt horrific. Alex “last round” Tindale. Scrub.

12. White 

Holy Christ where do I even start. This team is the epitome of garbage. Literally slap a photo of their roster in the dictionary next to the word “Shit”. Sohum “I’m so sorry u gotta be on this team” Shankar is a stud but... all alone. His captain, Sam “Did you know I work at Dunkin” Phillips is easily the worst hooper in the history of the world. Jesus what a scrub.Good guy but man he can’t play. His other captain Karidas can shoot a little bit but isn’t enough to make up for Sam. Zain “Hasn’t gone a day of high school without a mustache” Aizuki would’ve been a powerful 3rd-4th round guy but 13(!)th overall good lord. I’m gonna throw up if I keep typing abt this team. Jesus do they suck.