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- Gold
- Carolina
- Charcoal
- Royal
- Maroon
- Cardinal
- Orange
- Kush
- Purp
- Scarlett
- White
1. Navy
You’re probably asking yourself “why the hell is this team ranked at first?”. That’s because the game speaks for itself. Led by fellow captain Aedan “Mr. Mini Smooch” Moss, brings a lot to the table. Despite the lacking height of only 5 feet and maybe an inch to his name, he’s a menace on defense and will absolutely clamp you up and could even foul out a few times. As the other captain you have myself, dom, who for some reason is heavily slept on but wtf am I supposed to do about that, I’m a tall skinny ass italian lightskin with the stomach of an 88 year old. But I’m easily a top 3 defender in this league and will splash on you from the white line you just won’t see it coming. To continue, this team is loaded with talent, most notably with our first pick, Zachary “big boobie suckin” fairfull. This man is just an animal in the paint and is the true board man of the league. After that we went with Jacob “this kid better be good” Hufnagel. This was our second round choice and some may say we took him too early but the potential that we see in this kid is unreal. Next up is Drake “bucket from the 3pt line” Wangler. Saw this kid all last year and he was pulling up from anywhere. Now for the team sleeper, Aaron “slllllatttner” Lattner. Dudes wet asf from anywhere on the court and is a great team player. Brings great team chemistry as well and he also fully understands that Uzi is the goat which is exactly the type of energy this team wants and has. Jacob “going to outsmart you” Lucas was a great pickup for this team and we traded for him right after the draft. Lastly, Daniel “I have a smart ass sister” Seewald and David “I’m pretty short and love Twitter” Dedes are just great additions to this menace of a team. Enough said.
2. Gold
Oh boy look at this team. They pretty good ngl I’ll give them that. We have captains Max “id prolly pipe my own mother tbh” Mandler and Jack “tiger woods” Urban. Max is talented but could be the biggest pussy to walk earth. Team may end up depending on him but he’s easy to piss off so that’s good. Jack is long asf (pause) and has some handles and might be good on defense. This is a great captain duo at the end of the day. Now, this team actually thought it was a good idea to draft Alex “I literally know every fucking thing ever” Jones. Don’t get me started on this kid, he’s like 5’3, has ZERO talent and thinks he’s a human thesaurus. If you ever need to know anything give this kid a call im serious. The only thing I can give him is that he’s gotten with a very solid line up of bitches. Next is Jackson “I look special” Howe. This kid cannot hoop you can tell by the way he walks, also just ugly asf. Have fun with this kid max. This team then chose Ethan “unathletic piece of shit” rocks. He’s pretty tall seems like a 7 footer but that’s all he has going for him. Next up is Aiden “Pat” Houck. This is a huge piece for this team, very solid pick. Then they got like Ryan “better than my cartoon ass looking brother” Higgs, and I hear that he’s wet from 3 so that’s nice. The rest of this team has some solid role players so good job.
3. Carolina
Ahhhh Carolina that’s a sexy color. Look at this team. Let’s start with captains Robbie “balding but 10/10 personality” Henricks and Ridge “my girlfriend spits in my ass crack” McClintock. Rob is wet from the 3pt line and I have nothing but respect for this guy, he’s a solid player but definitely sucks ass at defense. Ridge aka Dir is just an absolute fuck face who can maybe hoop just a tad but he is nothing to be worried about. This kid also smells like shit. This team took Jack “advanced math class since 2nd grade” Myers. That’s a great pick in my eyes. Something about these feisty soccer players man, they always are a problem on the court somehow. Then its Brady “why the fuck am I always tan” Bartusiak. Apparently you got cut from the actual team so you signed up for rec, this sucks a lot for you since you aren’t going to contribute a single thing to your team sorry bout it. This team has Zack “two moms” Ehasz. We almost drafted this guy but thought we should let him flourish somewhere else, this is a solid pick, just tell him to not bring his dick hungry thots to the games. Then they have Marshall “why did my parents give me this name” Howe. Rob I hope you teach this kid something good to help your team. The rest of this team has decent players but not decent enough to give a review about, good luck this year and fuck u Dir.
4. Charcoal
Aight here we go look at this team full of dumbasses. First it’s captain Jake “she won’t even find out I promise” Casey. He quit hooping for the school but that only made it a problem for the rest of us bc this man is hard as fuck to guard. Pretty talented at basketball but his team depends on him. The other captain Josh “my body count is higher than my field goal %” Brufsky. Honestly bro don’t even bother coming to your games, just go play some EDM and find some more bitches instead, your team don’t need you I promise. This team decided to take Brandon “I don’t have a condom but” Liokareas. Lio, youre pretty tall and could definitely help this team. Will you be the rise of this team? Will you be the fall of this team? Why the hell is your sister so attractive? So many questions with too little answers. Notably, charcoal was able to snag Drew “brewster” Blodgett. Not much to say about you brotha, you have some handles and know how to pass, just work on finishing (on and off the court). Next we have Matt “I need to cut my pussy ass hair” Russ. You live in your brothers shadow but that must have helped you a little bit bc you can definitely shoot the ball pretty well. Short and ugly too. Josh “tall and useless” Howard. Just get rebounds for your team bc other than that you can’t do a single thing and that really sucks since you’re like 6’3 with no abilities. Oh my god this team took Nick “I’m actually pretty good at soccer” Tanner. You’re nice at soccer and that’s good and all, I just feel bad for you bc you don’t really know how to pass the ball and you’re like 5’2 which has to suck a lot fr. Also teach your brother how to use Google “Meat”.. Jake have fun with this scrawny fucker being a ball hog. You guys took a kid named Bennett, is he in 1st grade? You also took Livs brother which is cool, I expect some decency out of this team.
5. Royal
This team is definitely the dark horse of the league. First up is captain Nikita “I’ll throw up in your mothers car” Knobel. Top 5 player in the league for sure and could be the first player this year to catch a whole ass body on the court. Then it’s captain Tucker “oh let me just drive into this tree” Neal. Tucker you can definitely hoop and I don’t have too much to rip on you about. He will score on you in the paint. They picked up Eddie “how are you not black?” Albert. First of all, your punnet square got fucked, being actually black woulda been sick asf. You can hoop. Haha man this team was able to get Matt “qwik” haverlack. Matthew has quite the skill set and could hit you with a sneaky sky hook so watch out, nothing above average tho. Royal took Nick “what the fuck” Chimento. Have fun with this kid nikita. After that it’s Tyler “don’t let my last name fool you” Super. Decent at best, makes a great waste of space on the court, a very nice guy tho. Next up is Dhruv “Gahndi” Saggi. Now listen this kid is young and pretty talented. He’s pretty short but will surprise you on the court, he’s a bucket fr. Oh boy this team was lucky enough to pick up Mike “how is my sisters ass this fat” Menard. Mike you can’t do much on the court but I already know that you will help this team tremendously in the locker room. The last two kids on this team is a mf named Wolfram and someone who’s last name is actually “Poop”. That’s all.
6. Maroon
Maroon is a very interesting team. Led by captain Triston “why is getting over a girl I can’t even hookup with so hard” Schaffer. Honestly he can ball a decent amount and he’s pretty tall, but if he turns it over he will get depressed as fuck and won’t get over it for another month. Love you Boob. The other captain is Franco “FaZe Apex” D’amico. Franco, idk if you’re even nice at ball anymore but you were in 6th grade. Get out ur lil whiteboard and go calculate the circumference of all your meatballs. Maroon took JJ “gay best friend” Cuddy. Now JJ is known to be the board man and it’s true, he can get rebounds. The sad truth is that that’s his only ability when it comes to this sport. After that this team picked up Jake “waste of height” Howard. Another waste of height in the league, this kid is a scrub with zero talent. Tyson “not Mike” Swigart, a kid that might be a decent ball handler at best but other than that has nothing to contribute to this team. Johnny “Anna” Mcshane. Who even knows what this kid is about, he is probably average at best but could even end up being straight garbo. Next up is Cole “my future brother in law is my captain” Lang. I don’t know too much about you but just don’t piss off Franco or do anything dumb. Then they got Landon “below average at life” York. Young kid with not much talent but he might make a few passes here and there. After that it’s David “Ratatouille looking ass” Goldberg. You are a below average sophomore and have an ugly ass jumper. Lastly, this team has Tanav “NAV”. You’re a scrub but you’re name is almost NAV so that’s cool I fw him a lot fr.
7. Cardinal
The next team on this list is Cardinal. Their captains are Conner “Carl from Jimmy neutron” Schmitt and Jordan “I quit ball for the school bc the bench loves me” Kweder. Conner is a beast and has been since 3rd grade, but this dude is slower than slow even when it’s free Burger King on the other end of the court. Jordan has very good range and can rain threes for infinity. Sucks ass on defense and is only a shooter tho. With this teams first pick they chose Koby “I can’t rn I’m at an NBA game” Markovitz. Koby you have some great talent and are a threat to this league, top 10 player easily. Gordon “hes a good sophomore” Groninger. This kid is talented for sure and he’s definitely gonna be a problem to some teams, solid pick. Then this team decided to take two kids named hunter, what the fuck. Hunter “not Montana” hannah and hunter “shreck” Schroeck. Both absolutely useless players who have zero coordination on the court, nice job here Conner (not). The rest of this team is full of scrubs and tbh not even worth writing a review about. This captain duo with koby is very powerful, but they have no other players who are going to touch the ball let alone score. Decent team tho.
8. Orange
This color is honestly so ugly, but that shit doesn’t matter to captains Will “Mr. Wholesome” Engel and Brandon “b” Coe. Will has developed his game over the years. He went from ass to less ass, this kid is nothing special and you have absolutely not much to worry about at all. Brandon on the other hand.. is also pretty mid at this sport but he is very big (pause) and can body you in the post so watch out for that. With this teams first pick they took Nick “Haley’s dildo” DeRubis. Nick you can play basketball, youre tall and athletic as well so this is obviously good for you and your team, best player on the team I respect it. Ben “business casual” bacdayan, is annoying to guard bc he plays soccer and we know how annoying that is. Nice pick. Next up is Jesús “why the fuck is my ego this big” Segura. This kid has a pretty outstanding ego for being 5’4 which is impressive, but how can you even back it up. You are so ass at basketball it’s not even funny but I guess we’ll see how you perform this year. Greyson “hockey” Bayer. You think you are good at basketball bc you can make 3 shots in a row while shooting around. You’re a fucking scrub with no game whatsoever but have fun trying i guess. Next up is.. uh oh. Nate “I feel bad at this point” Rising. Nate sweetie, I bet you are having fun reading these reviews. Just know it’s all jokes kinda, and I’m sure you’ll be fine on the court this year as long as your ball handling skills are half as good as your sisters. Then this team got Peter “probably better than Will” Engel. Peter is a mid level talent and a player that you most certainly cannot sleep on, he has game. Great addition and way to elaborate on some brotherly love. Lastly it’s garrett Z and Will closer. Both bums that are just going out there to have some fun this year, good luck to orange.
9. Kush
Where do you even start with this atrocity of a team. Led by captains Cyrus “high” Khani and Gavin “higher” Wyland. When it comes to Cyrus you really never know what you are going to get. He maybe has some abilities but we will never fully know this mans full potential due to certain substances off the court. You can say the exact same thing about Wyland, just a bit worse. He will definitely show up to his games very late or very early. Billy “chill asshole” Salapow. You have great knowledge of basketball and can hoop to a pretty decent level, but you still are definitely not as good as you think. You also love Uzi so I wish you the best of luck this year. Liam “dirty money” Szajnecki. Kid has been tall asf his entire life and uses that to his advantage, of course, but that’s damn near about all you get with this giraffe ass mf. Next up is Donovan “moves like a special penguin” Kohler. I love this guy I really do but don’t bother guarding him it’s pretty much a 4 on 5 when he’s on the court I’m serious. Bryan “weenie man” Scanlan. Bryan you can actually shoot decently well and you are obviously a great guy, a ladies man to be more specific. You spend most of your days grilling your weenies, especially in the morning so that’s cool. Then they got Nik “I’m a pussy” Cagni. You’re tall and you think you are some cool skater boy so shut up and ask your parents how tf they forgot to put a “c” in your name. Brayden “idk” Lucas. If you are Jacobs brother then that’s awesome because you’re probably smart too. Don’t know too much about you. Next is Evan “sucks at football” Taylor. You think you are good at football which is funny, and for some reason you think you’ll help your team. Don’t bother showing up. Lastly is Mikey “go fuck yourself” Barbitos. Not a soul likes you.
10. Purp
This team needs to understand that they are so fucking bad it’s crazy, I’m not kidding. Led by captain Gavin “how am I tall now” Fitzpatrick and Ryan “dude in my basketball shoes I can” McKeever. Gavin you are an OK at best player who has a nice skill set and some crafty moves. But you weigh maybe 96 pounds so you’re going to get absolutely fucked. Ryan you on the other hand should be way better than your stinky ass is. Broken ass jumper and can rattle dunk on a good day when you’re literally 6’2. First up is Charlie “grace owns me” Eberle. How are you so whipped by your girlfriend that’s unbelievable, idk if you can ball anymore but we will see, I want you to succeed. Ok then this team took Jack “my vagina hurts” Shearer. Jack my man you are so bad at defense it’s not funny, you’re an old man who can shoot the ball sometimes. Fix your hip. Peter “waste of space” Janowski. You sir are just a bum and won’t do a single thing to this shit show of this team other than make it worse. Next up is Maddox “dexter” Stamm. This kid is pretty chill but he’s like 4’11 so that’s unfortunate. Fun team player tho. Charlie “waste of space #2” Stohl. Not much to say about you, just try and help your team kid. Quinn “Q” Fitzpatrick. Nothing but love for this kid, he could maybe be a threat in the paint. Teach your brother something useful to help your shitty team. Jake “seagull” Siagle and Joe “trash” Reeder are two juniors who bring again, nothing to this team. What a shitty draft job Gavin. Good luck this year bc it will be much needed.
11. Scarlett
What an absolute joke. But what can you expect from this negatively skilled captain duo. Captain Drew “my personality is Ohio state, the most unathletic 6’2 kid you’ll ever see” Conwell. Enough said, I feel bad for anyone on this team. Next up is the other captain Ethan “ “ Hancock. This kid doesn’t talk, many communication issues inbound. He’s also too little and a free cookie when you’re guarding him. With scarlett’s first pick they took Mateo “can we pleaseeee go upstairs now” Cepullio. You are way too horny my guy but you’re also Italian so that’s pretty nice. You are quite the athlete and know how to play basketball. This is your team I’m sorry that your captains had to be so ass just try your hardest. Next up is Connor “why is he kinda nice with it” O’Neil. The second best player on this team is Connor himself. Very underrated and I have nothing bad to say about you kid. Marcus “Big Baby” Fennel. You are 100% so fucking unathletic but that’s cool bc I bet you’re a great guy and know how to make people laugh. Just stand in the post and do your thing. Danny “I need to realize I suck” Murphy. You shoot the ball at a decent level but you also just are not good at basketball. Not to mention you wear ur lil goggles and think you’re Kareem or some shit. Then they got Simon “says” Andres. Ngl Simon I almost took you in the draft but then I thought about how you suck. I was trippin for thinking you had any talent thats my fault. Have fun out there. Sammy “pip squeak” Moss. You are my co-captains brother and that’s cool, you definitely are trash tho. Your other two players are nobodies and won’t do shit this year. Good luck and fuck you.
12. White
H o l y f u c k. Put this team in the circus because this is a comedy special. My two black ass cheeks have more skill than this captain duo. Starting with Sam “where can I buy body wash” Phillips, you are so horrible at this sport it’s unbelievable. Your ex girl’s 65 year old sugar daddy probably has a cleaner jump shot than you. This teams other captain is Kristian “skin and bones” Karidis. Idk just try and use your deadly bones to your advantage the same way that your sister uses her deadly ass to hers. With whites first pick we have Sohum “so bum” Shankar. This was a good pick bc this man is pretty much a Kevin Durant type player and that’s scary. Good choice for sure, nothing else to say about him. Next up is Kyle “puberty who?” Kerber. This kid is very small and a featherweight, but hey he could be quick and speedy at times, I’m not really sure but we will have to see. Then they got Zain “monster” Aizooky. Nothing bad to say about you Zain, you definitely have more skill than either one of your captains. Then it’s Joey “BMX pussy” Lucca. I have heard that you literally just don’t know how to play basketball. That’s okay I’m just saying this team is a perfect fit for you. Go ride some bikes. Andrew “drone” Higgs. You think you are so good at this sport when you just suck ass. You’d make a great camera man for your shitty team tho I bet those drone shots would be sick fr. The rest of your team is somehow worse than the players I just listed so I don’t even have to talk about them. You guys are so bad and have fun not winning a single game.
