Carolina

Gold

Charcoal

Royal

Cardinal

Orange

Maroon

Purp

Scarlett

Kush

Navy

White

1. Carolina

Carolina is by far the best team in the league captained by Rob Henricks and Dir (Ridge) McClintock aka the splash bros. Switching picks with Schmitt and Kweder saved our entire draft. Picking up Brady “lockdown” Bartusiak in the first round was a steal and a half. He will produce on both sides of the ball and hold your star players to single digits. Jack “the workhorse” Myers is gonna be a terror. Zach “Python Packin” Ehasz is an athletic player who will get us boards and layups as well as the lockdown D. Jake “Fuckin Unit” Lapinski is gonna lockdown every big man and be a bully on the boards. Ty “Roadrunner” Riemer is fast as hell and will get us some fast break layups. Baden “Exact copy of Mitch” Friday is a very athletic kid and a knockdown shooter, all in all a great pickup. Noah “Nice Guy” Gordley was an ABSOLUTE STEAL of a pick, and Marshall “I’m better than my brother” Howe looks 12, but is a hell of an athlete. Expecting a title run from this team.

2. Gold

Sadly gold is a pretty damn good team. It’s captained by Max “I won’t shut up” Mandler and Jack “can’t decide if I’m dating her or not” Urban. These two drafted pretty well given their last pick in the draft and probably will have a successful season if they can keep each other’s dicks out of their mouths. They first picked up Alex “I couldn’t give enough D so she went on a rampage” Jones who is honestly a good pick. He can knock down shots on O, but not sure about the D yet. Jackson “The worse brother” Howe might rebound but Marshall is gonna show him up this year in every other way.  Ethan “pebbles” Rocks is tall and I’ve heard he is good at ball but I think Jack just wants to suck him off after Max. Aiden “Pat” houck will knock down threes, and Ryan “birdman” Higgs will be able to distribute and run the floor. These two are sneaky players. Aaron “send the ball into orbit” Brody (you’ll see), Max “who tf is this” Bywalski, and Rohit “not the little fuck” Sattuluri were the last picks. They won’t do much. Hopefully this team doesn’t dominate so we don’t have to hear Max talk about it for the next decade. 

3. Charcoal

This team is captained by Jake “please take me back” Casey and Josh “Have I been given more std’s or cars” Brufsky. Hopefully Brufsky will be able to come to all the games and not have to miss a few for gambling rehab. Their first pick was questionable with Brandon “I’ll grab your cheeks even if you say no” Liokareas who sucks I don't know why they took him in the first round. Next they got Josh “yes I played football” Howard who is a great guy but no chance he’s good at basketball. Matt “chode” Russell and Nick “PJ you’re a pussy” Tanner are some scrappy players but will turn the ball over every other possession. Nico “I’m shorter than my sister” Amatangelo is a decent athlete but won’t do much. Lastly Drew “I wouldn’t have any friends if I didn’t live alone” Blodgett. He is only here to provide his captains and lio with some cooch. This team has the chance to be good, but loyalty is going to be a huge issue. 

4. Royal

Royal is led by Nikita “The Czar” who is a damn good ball player and one hilarious dude. Unfortunately for him his co is Tucker “I look like a squid” Neal who is a pretty good shooter but is unathletic. This team is basically just full of average athletes but great guys. Their first pick was Eddie “Steve” Albert who is one hell of a guy but probably won’t do too much besides bang a few threes. Matt “Plateau’d in 5th grade” Haverlack would’ve been a good pick 7 years ago but he has one of the most broken jumpers in the league. Then they got fucking Nick “wowowweewow” Chimento. God knows why they got him this high. He is tall, just a little slow. Tyler “how is this man a lineman” Super probably won’t do a damn thing for this team but is the nicest guy I’ve ever met. Next they got Dhruv “tits are” Saggi and Wolfram “I was drafted for my name” Schmidt. I don’t know anything about these two but they have some of the best names in the league. If this team gets hot late in the season, they might be able to make a playoff run.

5. Cardinal

Cardinal is led by Connor “big sexy” Schmitt, who is a tank and a half, but might need oxygen running up and down the court. Jordan “make a wish minutes” Kweder, will be a good ball player along with Koby “brick a three” Markovitz which was a good pick because he can knock down some shots and has a high basketball IQ. In the second round they got Gordon “Mini nick tanner” Groninger which is a SHOCK of a second rounder...buddy will probably dribble around the court then cry when he bricks a layup. Next was Hunter “ants in my pants” Hanna and Hunter “schroek is love schroek is life” Schroek. Cardinal is gonna be raining from 3, but their lack of speed will come back to bite them in the ass.

6. Orange

Holy sweaty. Will “my wing review scores are higher than my ppg” Engel and Brandon “big booty B” Coe are very average to below average players but drafted pretty sweat heavy. Their first pick, Nick “I’m my girlfriend’s rag doll” Derubeis, is actually a nice guy and a very good ball player, but he just screams D bag at first glance. Ben “stay away from me when we lose” Bacdayan is one competitive man and will smother you with his pace. Jesus “How is my ego bigger than me” segura is just a worse, shorter version of Ben and will also smother you until you’re gassed. Not sure who Greyson “teddy” Bayer is, but after was Nate “you’re lucky we can’t write about sisters” Rising. The kid’s had it tough because he keeps getting pounded like someone else he may know, but he’s a decent athlete. Peter “BDE” Engel is a great last pick. Great use of the brother reserve by wengel. We think that this team will get some wins but after their starting five it just goes downhill fast. 

7. Maroon

Frankie and Boob. What an interesting team we have here from Franco “Francesco” D’amico, who might skip a few games to be a romantic mf with a later draft picks sister, and Triston “Dude don’t worry I’ll get her by sweek'' Schaffer, the guy who loves boobs. Their first pick was the infamous JJ “dude I’m taking the girls  home so I can drive them around for 20 minutes and make them uncomfortable” Cuddy who will crash the boards hard, so good luck if you’re in his way. He’s gonna break you like a pipe in the rec center gym. After JJ was Jake “I look goth” Howard who is a good pickup and a tall body for this team. Then they got Johnny “Anna” Mcshane, David “nips'' Goldberg, and Cole “my sister is more athletic than I am” Lang, who don’t seem terrible. Rounding out this squad is Tanav, who I’ve heard is an absolute bucket. Triston needs to take 95% of the shots for this team to be good, so hopefully his back can make it through the grind of the season.

8. Purp

What a group of lads we have here captained by the one and only Gavin “tree trunk” Fitz, who is a sneaky one and has potential to drop numbers every night, and Ryan “what time” Mckeever, who probably won’t show up until halftime, but otherwise is pretty good and big. They first got Charlie “step stool” ebs who is a very good athlete and a great guy, but I don’t know much about his basketball skills. Next was Jack “there’s a stick in my ass” Shearer who is a good pick and can rain threes, but his hip limits him from any movement. Peter “Strap” Janowski can shoot very well but other than that don’t see much potential. They finished up with Charlie “chuck” Stohl, a great guy, and Quinn “Q dawg” Fitz, who probably are not gonna do shit but I love Q. Purp has a lot of potential, but will most likely flop that’s why they’re 8.

9. Scarlett.  

Scarletts captains are Drew “only relevant when talking about sports” Conwell and Ethan “mute” Hancock. Two very nice guys, but Conwell is gonna have a hard time doing anything other than the occasional splash from the white line. First they picked Mateo “dude let’s talk about cheeks” Cepullio who is a great athlete and finds a way to get it in on and off the court. Conwell claims Connor “dad bod” O’Neill is good, but we know his takes aren’t the best. Marcus “GUMMY” Fennel is a BIG body but will have a tough time getting up and down the floor. 

10. Kush

Cyrus “ghost mode” Khani, who disappeared off the face of the earth, and Gavin “I look like I’m constantly baked” Wyland are the captains of this team. They will be on pluto while playing, so I do not see them making many shots. They first picked Billy “did you know I miss my gf” Salapow, who is a pretty decent baller, but will be distracted by the thought of going to Dayton to see his girl. Liam “el chapo” Szajnecki is hella tall and a funny man, but might slide the refs a couple thousand. Donovan “warmer” Kohler is very uncoordinated, but he will take you out with some Tai-Kwon-Doe if you get caught talking smack. Watch Out. Bryan “skeigler” Scanlan can splash some threes, but Mike “I can’t realize that nobody actually likes me” barbarita is going to hog the ball because is good he thinks he’s good. Kush pretty much sucks and I’m taking purp in the kush bowl

11. Navy

Good god this team sucks. First of all their captains are Aeden “kiss me and we’ll be cool” moss and Dom “Friendzoned by the same girl 4 times” Egizio. He tries so hard to get girls that I genuinely wish he would succeed. All he wants is someone to carve pumpkins with, and he gets friendzone after friendzone. He already moved to the Peters girls, but even they won’t give the poor man a chance. Look for him to skip a few quarters simping to someone he will never get. Their first pic was Zach “Kylie owns me” Fairful and I don’t know why they took him at THIRD OVERALL. Zach is a nice man, but he’s not nice at basketball. Expect a lot of bricks. Later they got Aaron “humpty dumpty” Lattner, a sneaky ball player, Jacob “good guy” Lucas, and David “I hope the student section thinks I’m cool” dedes. Navy is pretty bad but hopefully Dom’s basketball game is much better than his game with any girl. Good lord you’d think going to Blodgetts brothel would get this kid some play but no. 

12. White

Sam dude you had the first pick and still put together a sorry ass team. Sam “hey babe I’m commissioner of the turkey bowl wanna come?” Phillips is god awful at the game of basketball but he's such a nice guy. And kristian “my sister has a caboose” Karadis is also pretty bad and won’t do much. Their first pick, Sohum “Bollywood baller” Shankar, is an animal and a menace on the court, great first pick. Then it went south starting with Kyle “just graduated preschool” Kerber who isn’t a bad pick but is still waiting for that growth spurt. Next was Zain “Fatima mi amore” Aizooky who has splash ability but also won’t do much else sorry brotha. Andrew “trombone” Higgs is worse than his younger brother but has some height. Sam this is bad please go to a doctor it looks like you break your arm every time you shoot the ball.