Good morning and welcome back.  To our newcomers, we are happy to have you.  You've entered this league at a reasonable risk to your well-being (seriously).  May God be with you.  Formal complaints should be filed with Kevin Wong.  

 

Last season was quite compelling.  The draft was filled with the movement of players and picks alike.  It's become interesting to see the time honored tradition of favoritism weigh on the great collection of basketball minds in this league.  The future promises more of the same, no doubt.  

 

The regular season brought us parody and comedy which led to (perhaps) the most exciting championship game this league has ever seen.  The details of that fateful Friday night will be redacted/censored by the league for the remainder of its existence.

 

A few notable retirements this year: 

 

Long time commissioner and consigliere Brian Janicke has decided to hang 'em up.  He will be missed by all (minus a few referees).  Thanks for everything you did for us Brian.   

 

Our good pal Wes Moore has also decided to move on; a fierce and beloved competitor.  

 

Matt Carr, as well.  Nobody gives a shit though.     

 

This all being said, the following players have been selected as captains for the upcoming 2026 season:

 

The captain of the defending champion has been awarded an unprecedented privilege; the chance to run it back and pick another winning squad.  After carefully constructing the winning team through numerous draft day transactions a year ago, the bar is even higher for Sharkey this season.  It is incumbent on the league office to encourage all participants this season to actively prevent another victory lap for this fucking guy.

     

Once the perennial MVP of the league, father time and cruel injuries derailed Iovino's plans to rip apart the competition year after year.  However, last year, a rejuvenated Iovino stayed healthy and led a team to the cusp of the title, almost single-handedly mounting a comeback to steal the title away from the favored Sharkman.  He will be given the opportunity to seek redemption.

 

Still early in his FHMBB career, Mike has proven to be one of the league's deadliest perimeter players.  He showcases the ability to score at all 3 levels.  It might be fair to say that his teams have just sucked.  This year, he gets a chance to choose his supporting cast.  

 

Historically known as the league's premier sharpshooter, Phil Conover returns to the captaincy in 2026.  Perhaps another legend whose best days are behind him, you still can't leave this guy open and he knows his hoops.  This season promises to challenge his ability to lead a team to glory.

 

Raff has amassed a catalogue of accolades during his time in the league: champion, breakdancer, and the unknowing creator of the coveted Draft Night MVP award (2026 winner TBD).  However, 6 seasons have passed since the Raff has tasted championship glory.  He was the captain of his last squad that won the championship back in 2019.  

 

One of the league's new solid wingmen enters his second campaign with a chance to build on a solid 2025 season.  After being a touted, high draft pick a year ago, Kirchner's squad appeared to be on the path to the promiseland.  However, they were derailed in the final four because the league office had issued a bounty on perennial league champion Kyle Phelan.  With this stigma no longer burdening him, he will likely select a contending team.   

 

The best night in Fair Haven is on Friday night.  Let's hoist a few and celebrate this league.  It's a privilege to be a part of it.