Its been quite the year so far for team co-captain Mike Harney. In the short time since the ball dropped on midnight, Harney's balls have dropped, and he's lost 70lbs. But that isn't all so far this offeason. He lost his car keys the other morning, and had to walk to his spin class. He would have taken the bus, but he lost the ticket to that as well. Knowing full well the risks associated with hanging out with the wrong crowd, Harney temoporarily lost a best friend, when Hornak was kicked off the team for pending drug charges. He lost his first 45lbs when he decided that he didn't need to wear all of the clothes he owns at the same time, just to prove that he isn't as poor as Rob Pellegrino. Another 20lbs were shed when Harney lost his big toe in a stickhandling accident in his garage, and the final 5lbs were from hard work and a strict diet. All of these accomplishments however melt away when compared to the fact that Harney lost his virginity on New Years Eve. What's even more impressive is that neither Hrusovsky nor Pellegrino - the teammates accompanying him that night - had any idea it was going on.

"Apparently it happened when we were all at Havana's," Pellegrino told FIAHL News. "We were all dancing, and I do remember a ten second period of time where I couldn't find Harney. But when I did, I had no clue that he had lost it in that time frame. His mom is gonna be pretty upset when she finds out I let him do that while she was away, but I'll probably just blame it on Hrusovsky. Apparently he's thinking of leaving the team for a few months next season anyway...".

Harney could not be reached for questioning at the time this article was written. FIAHL News called him on a restricted line at 2:35am. It is assumed that he was still in the garage, searching for his big toe.