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Subscribe to our NewsletterThe Mysterious Disappearance of Bill McTeigue
Two games into AM Lumber's stellar eighteen goal season, fans of the young hockey team could not be happier. Game attendance is at an all time high, averaging an unruly 3 to 4 fans per game. Unfortunately for the organization, the increased exposure has drawn attention to matters that team management has surely tried to cover up. At the forefront of these matters, one question has riddled fans the most: "Where is Bill McTeigue?"
The talented defenseman, drafted from the Salisbury Steaks dynasty team last season, has not been seen since, well... last season. Despite being a healthy scratch during 9 of 12 games during the Fall 2015 campaign, McTeigue posted astounding numbers during his time on the ice. He currently holds team records for, Most Bitches Texted While On the Bench (4), Most Career Ending Body Checks In a Non-Checking League (36), Most Balls Tripped While Playing (n/a), and Most Mysterious Disappearances (1).
So where is McTeigue? Team Manager, Coach, and Defenseman Rob Pellegrino has not been reached for comment, however official team social media accounts have claimed McTeigue remains a "healthy scratch". The only evidence to counter this has been presented by the local Police Department's Homicide Unit. In an official press conference broadcasted on local cable, Detective Drew P. Cock said:
"This morning, at approximately 0545, a pair of hockey skates belonging to Bill McTeigue of AM Lumber was discovered behind Flemington Ice Arena, next to garbage bags filled with recycling. Upon further investigation, we came to the conclusion that FIA doesn't actually recycle like they say they do. We're launching an investigation to see just how deep this goes. Also, about McTeige... the skates were covered in blood, as was his collection of scented stickers, which he has been known to keep on his person at all times. Seriously, there was a lot of blood. We're pretty fuckin' sure he got shwacked. The only lead we've got comes from a receipt found at the crime scene. This receipt was for a number of things purchased from a local Wal Mart at 0430 of the same morning. Items included: one box of latex gloves, seventy-five 16 oz. bottles of isopropyl alcohol, 35 boxes of 5-Hour-Energy's, all empty, and a bag of Tropical Fruit Skittles. The name on the receipt must remain confidential, as the investigation is ongoing. However, I am at liberty to disclose that the name ends with -ob Pellegrino. That is all".
This evidence has led fans to wonder, "what is going on behind the scenes within this talented hockey club"? Only time will tell. As they wait for news, the fans have a great team to entertain them on the road to the playoffs.
