2018 Preseason Predictions

March 28, 2018

An annual ritual from a simpler time, it’s time for the 2018 preseason predictions, which means we are close to another season of “ignoring family and significant others”. We're doing this a little earlier than usual because the snow this year is brutal and we think our scorching hot takes might melt some of it.


  1. Easton sticks around for one post-game beer the entire summer. Drinks half of it.
  2. Sid comes close to Carp’s 2014 record of longest written email.
  3. Guy files a sexual harassment suit against Jared.
  4. 🔥 Hot Take Alert 🔥 Matt Wenham leads all Matts on the Cardinals in Dingers.
  5. Evan breaks Mitch from the White Sox’s pink bat. #cutters
  6. Prof. X Hersch uses his telepathic powers to hit above .400 again
  7. Chico plays precisely 1 - ⅔ innings at 100% health. Injures himself throwing a helmet.
  8. Forno gives the team tickets to one of his comedy acts so that he can tell us about the deal with airline food.
  9. Kaleb drops a flyball in RF then throws out the hitter at 2nd, at least 3 times throughout the year.
  10. Hans outdrinks 90% of the players in the FMBA
  11. Dave Kelly pulls a ball for the first time in his baseball career. Probably mopes about it.
  12. Peter bumps up his career fielding percentage to a respectable .600, after only 7 throwing errors on the year.
  13. For the 19th season in a row, rumors of the FMBA redoing the diamond lead to nothing happening.
  14. The team has an intervention for Shane about him not starting himself at catcher in the playoffs, or ever. This is unrelated to his shortstop intervention of 2017
  15. At the Red Deer Riggers tournament, the Red Deer Riggers start a pitcher from Calgary against us.
  16. Breen finishes ahead of Bach in the Cards Fantasy Baseball League.
  17. Graydon misses a weekend game to go hiking with his girlfriend.
  18. Alumni Jeff Burlo is seen sitting at a mall food court wearing his Cardinals gear, waiting for a call-up that never comes.
  19. Cody leads all FMBA players in bangbus related internet searches.
  20. The Cards do something they didn’t in 2017: finish above .500 in the FMBA.