- We win some, We lose some, We out drink 'em all
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- 2018 Kangaroo Court Fee's: $4 (nobody paid)
San Francisco Diablos
Eight. We only had eight goddamn players show up this past Sunday. Obviously we had to forfeit. The amount of fucks given about this season is apparent. Show up so we don't get disqualified from the playoffs.
Diablos lose on Mothers Day
Ugh. After careful consideration I decided it wasn't worth talking about.
Diablos drop "home" game
Picture: Imbo and Rob show us where the leftovers are buried. The look on Rob's face suggests there might not be much left.
Your Diablos dropped their record to 2-2 with a stinker at Westborough Park. Not much to report from this game. Hopefully next week the fellas can get back into the win column.
Diablos blank Aztecas 9-0
(Picture)This is actually how Mike arrived for his start. Like Cleopatra being carried through the crowd.
This past Sunday your Diablos blanked the Aztecas 9-0. I’ve been busy making random children’s birthday dreams come true so a proper update won’t be provided. Instead I will try to describe each player high(or low)lights from the game.
Mike “1200mg” Watkins took the bump for his first start wearing the Diablos across his chest. He tossed 5 solid innings to earn his first victory. Lou attempted to shut him down in the 4th(a blatent chickenhawk attempt)but Mike shut that shit down quick.
Lou “No rhythm” Gardella made a relief appearance and quickly riled up the SS and RF by slowing the game down to a crawl with full counts and otherwise suspect pitch selection. His mea culpa of “I’m working on stuff” was not appreciated by the beer drinkers.
Ivan “French Tickler” Hidalgo strapped on the tools of ignorance and didn’t disappoint. He even went an inning without a cup to prove his manhood. Nobody was impressed.
Eddy “Didn’t miss 1B” Huesso got some action at SS and CF. Oh to have young legs again. He also knocked in couple runs and avoided his third straight week of not touching first base. Way to go, young buck.
Nick “WEAR IT” Lee started in CF and didn’t hurt himself. Way to go! He also got beaned twice and had the umpire legitimately worried he was going to wear a pitch off the face. I always knew Padres fans like to live dangerously.
Kike “Stat Whore” Huesso locked down 1B and didn’t ask about any of his stats for the whole day. Our squad only has room for one Lou.
Franny “Crocs” Jauregui made a couple plays at the hot corner and spent most of the afternoon on base. Obviously his choice of footwear is not affecting his play.
Nick “I can hit a ball over them mountains” Imbody talked the talk and almost walked the walk. He called his shot over the trees and came up just short. In fact the CF caught the ball in the shade under the tree. In the end all he had to show for it was a hat trick and what coulda been.
Kyle “Infield Fly” Hay continued his streak of laser tosses during warm ups. He’s already starting to ask for playing time at SS. His crusade on calling out the Diablos prejudice against lefties will definitely fall on deaf ears.
Ryan “Find that hole” Brooks had the least impressive 4-hit day in Diablos history. The combined length of his hits was somewhere around 190 feet. Leave a hold on the infield and he’ll exploit it.
Next week the squad is playing on THIS SIDE OF THE BAY. Our game has moved to Westborough Park. Tell all your friends and let’s get a good showing at the park.
Diablos lose 9-6 to Koras
This past Sunday the Diablos lost 9-6 to the Koras. Did the Diablos leave a ton of runners on base for the 2nd game in a row? Definitely. Did they leave anything else at the field? YOU BET!
Climbing the hill was none other than Lou “Bus Driver” Gardella. His ability to toss six innings and still have the energy to toss every one of his fielders under the bus during post game was a sight to behold. Imbo returned from his Jackieversary to make his season debut and he looked ready to play. He got a hit with a half swing and another with a full swing. He also received a tongue lashing in his very first inning in RF. The squad is rounding into mid-season form. HerbaJoe also returned from molding young minds on the tee ball field and didn’t disappoint at 1B. The left-handed half of the Flying Huesso Bros ripped the shit out of the ball. Kike lashed a single and double while defying physics and not tweaking his ankle tagging the outside of the bag. The K-shirt changed hands a few times late in the game. In the end it was claimed by Nick “Was Manaea even pitching last night?” Lee.
The real star of the show was Kemo “Nah fuck that” Lary. His 8th inning at-bat was a real turning point for race relations in America. Was the called 3rd strike outside? All signs point to yes. Should he have ripped the 0-1 pitch right down the dick? The judges say yes. Either way he gave the home plate umpire enough shit to warrant an ejection. It didn’t happen. He even tried to go back for seconds, but Brooksy half heartedly suggested him out of it. His constant chirping the following inning even got a passive aggressive warning from the ump, but no ejection. Mark this date people. April 22nd in the year of our lord 2018 was the day an angry black man was allowed to say his piece to the umpires and didn’t have to go to the parking lot early. #progress?
After all these exciting events the Diablos still lost to a squad wearing the 7th best uniforms the Diamondbacks use. The squad looks to bounce back next week against the Aztecs. Should be a good game so call a friend and get out to the yard
Diablos blank Los Rojos to win opener
This past Sunday your Diablos opened the 2018 season with a dominate 6-0 victory over Los Rojos. Were their new guys making debuts on Sunday? A shit load. Was base running still an issue? YOU BET!
Toeing the slab for his 26th Opening Day start in a row was none other than Lou “Dog Whisperer” Gardella. His pregame mantra of “Five and dive” obviously meant he was going to pitch six innings. It was good to see that getting engaged over the winter didn’t diminish his red ass demeanor on the mound. Whether he’s serving up HBPs or looking for a place to tie up his dogs this guy gives 110%. First out of the pen was Allen “1 star because I can’t give zero” Desrosiers. His arm was well rested from his glory days so it was the perfect time for him to make his Diablos debut. Putting up a zero in relief was a helluva way to introduce yourself to the league. Later he got an at-bat and snatched a stolen base from Brooksy with an ill-timed foul ball. This writer can’t remember a better jump from 1st base in the history of baseball. It was reminiscent of Rickey in ’82 or Seattle Slew in ’78. Either way it was a memorable debut for Allen. Closing up the day on the mound and also making his Diablos debut was Mike “Commissary” Watkins. He was once a fierce rival of the Diablos, but now he’s joined the dark side. He managed to blow up a bat and finish the game with two perfect innings. His constant banter with Lou should be recorded and archived for future generations to enjoy and learn from.
The offense was kick started by Eddy “1 down” Huesso(another debut) wearing pitches and running the bases like a chicken with its head cut off. If you see Eddy this week make sure to ask him how many outs there are. He also roamed CF and caught everything in sight. Kyle “desk jockey” Hay made his return to the lineup and drove in a couple runs. He also threw a laser from RF that will have his TPS reports coming in a little late this week. Yeti laced up some new bright ass spikes and tattooed the first pitch he saw of 2018 for a 2-run jack. It ended up being the only AB of the day where his launch angle was dialed in. Funny side note he now leads the squad in homers and absolutely nobody voted for him in the poll. I guess we all figured married life would sap his power. Fredo began his quest for 5 stolen bases with all the gracefulness of the Titanic. O for 1, good buddy. Francisco “Crocs” Jauregui also made his Diablos debut and played a flawless 3B. Getting zero grounders will usually lead to flawless play, but dammit he looked good doing it. Robbie Trejo made his first start in LF because Brother said he’s an athlete. While that is still to be determined he did start a beautiful relay to gun a runner at home. Freddie dropped the mother of all head fakes on the runner and helped keep dude from sliding in. It was right up there with Mr 3000’s hidden ball trick or Little Big Leagues phantom ball up the line. Just beautiful. Kike, the second half of the Flying Huesso’s, also made his debut an showed a solid eye at the plate. He also fielded a slow baby bouncer with his crotch at 1B, but the out was made. Ivan Lyftdalgo was the first recipient of the new backwards K shirt. The first time it’s ever been won on the final at-bat of the day.
All in all it was a successful opening day. If you missed it WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU? Next week we play in San Leandro and get to hear Lou complain about that time he didn’t win state because of blah, blah,blah…
Opening Day is upon us **UPDATE**
Update - Season schedule has been pushed back a week so Opening Day is now 4/15. Same bat time. Same bat channel.
The old familiar is back. The smell of poorly cared for city fields. The drunken cackles from parking lot regulars. The foul lines that look like Charlie Sheen had a go at them before 1st pitch. I'm talking about Opening Day 2018. Our first game has been scheduled. Please don't inquire about anything past 1 week because it's business as usual regarding schedules. Your Diablos will host Los Rojos Sunday 4/8/18 10AM @ Northgate/Paseo Padre Park. If the preseason was any indication this years edition of Diablos baseball should be edge of your seat exciting. Will the Diablos field 9 players...EXCITING. Will 4 guys all claim the DH spot...EXCITING. Will Mike and Lou finally tie the knot...EXCITING. So dust of the lawn chairs, clean out coolers and get a clean bill of health from your doctor. It's time for Diablos baseball!!!
The word has come down from the front office. Diablos first official practice of the season is Sunday 2/25/18 1030 @ Crocker 1. I will now list some things that have a high probability of happening this weekend:
1) Someone will miss practice because of a wicked hangover
2) Fredo will strongly consider not even bringing his glove to practice
3) Freddie will get tossed from his daughters softball game
4) Lou will show up determined to move up from the 3rd spot in our starting rotation
5) Nieves will mention the Astros championship >15 times
6) Marcus will channel his inner Roger Murtaugh and say "I'm too old for this shit"
7) Yeti will try to sell his new and improved launch angle even though it's the same old garbage one
8) Imbo will disappoint with zero ammo in his belt
9) Joe will have moved on to the next pyramid scheme.....Unions
10) Robbie will still have BBQ that wouldn't even medal at the olympics
11) Brooksy will give everyone the McCutchen Jive Turkey look at least once
Let's get it going
The Super Bowl has ended and Philadelphia is burning. These events can only mean one thing….baseball is back! No more concussion protocol, no more “surviving the ground”, no more laughing at the Cowboys not making the playoffs. Ok we can still do that last one. It’s time to air out the baseball bag. You know the one you tossed in the corner of the garage last Fall. The same one that is the source of every “Did something die downstairs?” comment over the winter. It’s time to see if your “trick knee” will allow you one more season of being an actual baseball player or someone who needs to join the depth chart at DH/1B. It’s time to see who got a little slower due to inhaling unhealthy amounts of queso during the long cruel offseason. It’s time to see if the Astros winning it all has put a little more lead in Brothers pencil.
I have spoken to Brother and he is aiming for the Diablos first practice to be the weekend of Feb 24/25. Wash your jock. Find some pants that fit. Clear your damn schedule.
Pissy warning letter translation from former league
Your Diablos beat the AB's this weekend 12-6. Many homers were hit on the little league field we played at, but the best part of the day didn't happen on the diamond. We were yelled at by two non-players in a fashion that usually leads to fisticuffs away from the field. Calling our manager a jerk will not be forgotten. Biting our tongue and turning the other cheek got us this warning from the league. We had it translated by a wise veteran who speaks this language.
Nieves and Members of the 2011 Diablos,
Brother and the coolest motherfuckers in the SFNABA
Based on the events of the past two weeks and on past history with your team, I am officially issuing the Diablos a strict and final warning on the use of alcohol and/or drugs at SFNABA games. We will hold a zero-tolerance stance on the matter moving forward.
Based on the Sun rising in the East/Setting in the West and Diablo Team Tradition, We are officially pointing our finger in your face and saying “Stop that right now!”. We will continue to have a “wide stance” on this matter like Senator Larry Craig.
If at any time for the remainder of the 2011 season the Diablos are found in violation of NABA's stated rules about alcohol/drug use, they will forfeit the game and will be disqualified from the playoffs altogether. Drug & alcohol use is strictly forbidden before, during, and after SFNABA games including on the field, in dugouts, at facilities where our games take place and on/in the nearby streets and surrounding neighborhood.
If you degenerates decide to act like Prohibition Bootleggers at any time for the remainder of this season you will forfeit the playoffs and not be invited to the Boards party celebrating your exit. Drugs and Alcohol are BAD,BAD,BAD and if the Police Officers who don’t bother you won’t instruct you on how to live your lives then we most certainly will.
You and your team all have ready access the official NABA rule book. We've spoken about this via email and phone. You spoke to one of our board members in person this past weekend... and still the message seems to be falling short.
We are going out on a limb and assuming you guys know how to read so put those skills to use and read the official rulebook. Of course these rules are suggestions because sometimes our umpires decide to make up the rules as they go. One of our members blew up on you guys like a toddler on a playground this past weekend and you still don’t seem to get it. I have instructed him to jump up and down and stomp his feet next time so you guys will understand.
Violation of these rules puts the entire league at risk of losing its insurance, may result in loss of access to our fields (which are rented from organizations that ALL share the same prohibitions on drug/alcohol), and is detrimental to the competitive environment that we promise to our members in exchange for their league fees.
Basically whether you guys are in attendance or not this Leagues demise will be placed squarely on your shoulders.
Know that this is a very serious issue, that you will all be held responsible for your actions, and that the stakes are very high. If you'd like to drink or smoke after a game, you MUST get in your cars and leave the area altogether.
I’m serious! You guys better stop laughing because this shit ain’t funny. I suggest you use your cup holders in your vehicles and roll up the windows while driving home after a game.
You will not be asked or warned again.
Please throw a kegger this Thursday in San Leandro so we don’t have to deal with your ghetto asses for the remainder of the year.
***UPDATED*** Kangaroo Courts Fees
The fees for stupid shit are as follows:
Getting Picked off a base: $1.00
Striking out looking: $1.00 plus you get the K-shirt(Unless someone leaves something valuable at the park)
Over throwing your cutoff man: $1.00
Infielder over throwing around the horn: $1.00
Hat Trick: $1.00
Missing a sign: $1.00
Failure to execute sign: $1.00
Wearing a white hat to a game: $1.00
No Hustle: $1.00
Wearing pants high with wrong color socks: $1.00
Leaving your shit at the field: $1.00
Giving away your jersey before you retire: $ Market price of a jersey
Acting like a douchebag when a non-game winning homerun is hit: $2.00
Section 2.69 Liberty Court Baserunning: $2.00
Golden Sombrero: $3.00
Letting go of bat during AB and almost killing dude on-deck: $3.00
Calling your own Infield Fly from the batters box: $3.00
Barfing during Infield and being a bitch when you're not in the line-up: $3.00
Late for Game: $5.00
Crying like a bitch at a movie: $5.00
Not bringing Strikeout shirt to following game: $5.00
Pissing in your own dugout aka "The Ivan Rule": $5.00
No Show/No Call at Game: $20.00
Thrown out of game: $20.00
Remove uniform before last out: $20
Yelling at Coach across the diamond like a Ho: $20