12 Questions with Derek Johnson
By Paul Willis
Derek Johnson is the second-most tenured Redhawks player. He joined the team in 2006 at the tender age of 19.
Family Guy character Mr. Herbert, the old guy with the robe, was rumored to have said at the time in his signature high pitch: “And to think, five years ago that boy was in junior high.”
But although Johnson joined the team six seasons ago, he hadn’t been seen much since then. With work tying him down, outfielder Thomas Carle nicknamed him “Flo” because he essentially showed up once a month.
Former manager Chris Dobson once said, without joking: “DJ told me it was going to be different this season. He only had to work three Sundays in April.”
The Redhawks heard that a lot, but this year, Johnson has finally got to play fairly regularly.
“Aunt Flo was more appropriate when he dropped in once a month,” Carle said. “Given his recent increase in appearance, Heavy Flo might be more appropriate.”
Johnson has appeared in a career-high 20 games and is hitting .370 after a slow start to the season. After entering the season with two career bombs, he had one homer in the playoffs –- a monster shot that might have been the team’s farthest of the season –- and another in the wood-bat fall league.
The site caught up with the overworked, Evo-driving, Asian-tail-chasing future doctor this week and grilled him.
1. Both the 2010 and 2012 team were immensely successful. Describe the difference of vibe on each, considering only four players were on both teams.
Johnson: I would love to tell you, but I only showed up for a celebrity at-bat here and there. I believe that is when the nickname 'Flo' came about. Thanks, Tom.
2. Which celebrity do you suspect would be the hottest plow?
Johnson: It’s a tie between Mila Kunis and Megan Fox, for obvious reasons. Honorable mention: Scarlett Johansson
3. Does your status as an impending doctor help out while wrangling in the ladies?
Johnson: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I'm sure that you would be hearing a lot better weekend stories from me if it did. Maybe I just need to find some that are more superficial.
4. If you played the whole season, say, 25 games and played all game every game, what would you predict your capabilities would be for average, homers, RBIs and steals?
Johnson: I think that all the stats would be slightly elevated, except I would be leading the team in steals — no offense to Tommy, or some, whatever. When I get a walk or a single late in the game when I go in, we are usually beating them so bad that I feel sorry for the team, and it would be adding insult to injury.
5. Where do you stand on the whole wood-bat issue? Would you like to use them fulltime or like using aluminum during the season and wood for tournaments/fall?
Johnson: It’s nice to boost the stats with metal, and that’s what I've swung for 99 percent of my baseball career. But there is something about hitting with the wood. The feel, the sound . . . way better hitting with wood. As long as I'm not getting sawed off every at-bat.
6. There's a bar brawl with all the current Redhawks there. Which three are most likely to join in, and which three most likely to chill and stay out of it? Who would be the peacemaker?
Johnson: If its a 'Hawks player thats in the brawl, everyone is going in. We are so close as a team that we watch out for our own. The first one in though is Tommy because he has a license to make it legal for him to kick some ass. Sam, Danny, and ironically Malicious B would be the last since they are so chill. I think it would take a lot to get them riled up enough to throw some blows.
7. Who is the Redhawks player you know the least about? Feel free to ask him one question on this platform.
Johnson: Even though I play with everyone nearly every week, I feel like I still don't know a lot of the ex-Rebel guys. One question, hmmmm, I seem to see Danny and Sam the least at Redhawk social events. Why is that?
8. You have worked out pretty intensely lately. Are you trying to become shredded like The Gronk?
Johnson: Hahaha, something like that. Just trying to get in better shape, with that usually comes power and skill. And flocks of women, of course.
9. Funnier character: Sheldon from Big Bang Theory or Stefon from SNL?
Johnson: Stefon, hands down. I think he has better one-liners. Human R2D2, Human parking cones, Human pinatas, etc. just kill me.
10. You've played 3B, SS, 2B and all the outfield positions for the Hawks. If you could play just one all season, where would it be?
Johnson: That’s the problem with being a utility player, you are not an all-star at one spot, but are athletic enough to be adequate anywhere. My preference would be somewhere in the infield. I just feel more comfortable.
11. If the Hawks had to wear an MLB team's uniform for the season, who would you pick? And which version of the uni?
Johnson: I like the idea of baby-blue cardinal throwbacks that was being tossed around last year. Otherwise I would have to go with an alternate theme, like Boston/Arizona red or the Rockies/A's/Orioles black. No pinstripes though.
12. Of the six former Rebels on the team, who is A) least likely to get married; B) most likely to hit the next bomb; and C) the one who could wrangle in the most hotties on a Saturday night if single.
Johnson: A) I think 'Real Shit' likes playing the field too much to settle down.
B) I would have said Chuck or Danny, but after reading that Tommy put one off the top of the fence, he just jumped up a couple slots.
C) Good question. Chuck and Billy have their personality going for them. Danny and Sam could work the quiet angle, might come up short though. I don't know how much game Tommy and Kenneth have with the ladies to make a good judgment. That would be a great competition for future nights out though.
12 Questions with Corey Gaudet
By Paul Willis
They were making a mountain out of a molehill, a 12-incher out of a six, a double-D out of an A.
Redhawks players Thomas Carle and Jared Ming saw that their high school buddy, Corey Gaudet, was getting major headlines on the Redhawks site when he joined the team in 2009.
The tandem complained about it (in fairness, Carle would read it and report a condensed version to Ming), saying the site was all about Gaudet. Hmm. Crazy how one gets headlines when he homers three times in his first game with team and drills 10 in 37 at-bats after joining in August.
Then he hits 10 more the next season and bats somewhere in the .550 range for his career. Asked if he still believed Gaudet receives preferential site treatment, Ming offered, with a laugh: “No comment.”
Then Ming got serious when asked whether he’d be crushed if Gaudet broke his hallowed single-season triples record of four (Gaudet would have to hit two in the title game for it to happen).
“I would not be mad at all,” Ming said. “Corey is like a brother to me. I’m honored that he is going to break my record, if that means anything.”
Most Redhawks players consider Gaudet one of the best they’ve ever played with, including those on college squads and highly-ranked high school teams that produce many college athletes.
“I’d say there are only five guys that I’ve ever played with that had more talent than him,” first baseman Tommy Cowan said. “He’s one of the top three swings I’ve ever played with.”
Added former Regis athlete Derek Johnson: “Overall, he’s top five considering skill, dugout personality and all. But the consistency he has with it, week after week, probably makes him the best overall.”
1. What do you think of Tom’s and Jared’s assertions that you get favorable treatment in Redhawks game stories and milestone mentions?
Gaudet: I’m being completely honest, I just try to go up there and do the best I can. I don’t really think about the records, but it’s cool to go on there and see milestones, whether it’s your milestone or a personal milestone. And I hope Tom hits a home run soon, fuckin’ A.
2. As one recently out of college ball, how far off are the Redhawks from playing at college-type quality?
Gaudet: If you had our team practicing as much as a college team, hitting every day, throwing every day and together as much as a college team, we could definitely compete with a college team. There’s no doubt about it. We have a great group of core guys.
3. Whose on-field personality is most different from how they are off the field?
Gaudet: I would say you. I mean, you’re still fun on the baseball field, but when you get on the field you’re a pretty serious, go-after-it kind of guy. Then off the field you’re pretty relaxed and less stressed out, I think we’d all agree. But you’re definitely a bulldog when it comes to stepping in between the lines.
4. More gay: Bieber himself or Jared and Tom’s Bieber spoof about you (Corey is an eenie-meenie-miney-mo hitter)?
Gaudet: I love Tom and Jared no matter what, so I’m going to have to say Bieber is the gayer one.
5. When you missed our semifinal game against the Isotopes while visiting your brother in Alabama, were you shocked when you found out we lost?
Gaudet: There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that you guys would be able to take care of it. I wanted to be there to help out as much as I could, but when it’s all said and done, family comes first. But yeah, I was real shocked when I got the text from Jared, but you know what? Losing is a part of the game. Unfortunately we lost, but I don’t think we’ll do too much losing in our careers.
6. Which Redhawks player is the most A) shy; B) intimidating; C) book smart; D) GQ or male model material.
Gaudet: Shy, um, well I guess Danny doesn’t talk too much, or at all, I guess. Danny kind of goes about his business, which I like, but I’d have to say DJ. He doesn’t talk much, but he works hard and hits bombs every once in awhile, makes sweet plays and runs like a gazelle.
Most intimidating, I think Danny would be the one who would intimidate me. He’s got that Asian look going for him and who the fuck knows what his martial arts capabilities are.
Most book smart, DJ, no question. That dude’s gonna be a fuckin’ pharmacist.
Most GQ, the obvious answer would be Jared Thomas Ming, but I think Tommy could do that whole male model shibang and maybe Real Shit Bill Lyons and that crazy-ass facial hair he’s got going.
7. If you were designing an alternate uniform for us, what would it look like?
Gaudet: I think we go red tops, man, and I like the white pants with the red stripe. Then those hats that you showed us. And maybe something along the side in the ribs, like a white. That’d be fuckin’ sweet.
8. You throw with both hands, pretty well with your opposite hand, too. Have you ever considered switch-hitting in Hawks game, taking some hacks from the right?
Gaudet: It’d probably be a 1-2-3 strikeout is my guess. With my age now and what I’m trying to pursue in baseball, I just stick to left-handed. Believe it or not, I do like to hit off lefties. I like the challenge. But maybe somewhere down the road I’ll give it a try and figure out how to put the ball in play.
9. If Bane and Big Papi were in a boxing match, who’d win?
Gaudet: Ah, dude, no question about it. You put a bat in Big Papi’s hand — or fuck the bat — Big Papi takes Bane all day. Actually, you know what? Papi probably smiles at him and gives him a big hug and they become friends.
10. Give us a line that would show up in a Redhawks game story.
Gaudet: I think the classic lines are definitely the pornographic type. And my favorites are always the ones that include the word plow. I don’t think off the top of my head I can think of one, but anything with plow in it, I’m always rolling when I read it.
11. Do you dig the nickname C-Gaw, and how long did it take you to adjust to it?
Gaudet: It doesn’t bother me one way or the other. I like it. It’s natural and you go with it. The best nicknames are the natural ones, and it’s fitting. It’s my first initial and the first three letters of my last name.
But there are no other human beings on the planet that call me C-Gaw except for you guys.
12. If you were single, would you drill Leighton Meester in the keyster?
Gaudet: Um, well, you know, I’m going to leave that to you to make up your own answer and decide for me. You know me, I’m a one-girl type of guy. But I guess if I was a single guy, I don’t see why not if she was willing.
12 Questions with Billy Lyons
By Paul Willis
At first glance, Billy Lyons looks like a guy who’s motto would be something like Making Bank, Smoking Dank. It’s just how chilled and mellow the Redhawks first-year outfielder is.
A further perusal, however, reveals something deeper.
Lyons, you see, has quickly morphed into one of the most likable figures on the Redhawks, one who quickly bonded with his new teammates and already was close with his former ones from the Rebels.
Though he is a first-year player, Lyons (pictured at right with friend Ann Lay) bleeds Redhawks red and it physically pains him not to be in the game contributing in some fashion. Although he is a regular in the team’s outfield rotation (hitting .288 with 13 RBIs), he has ambitions of getting his time on the infield diamond as well.
His keen recollection of the Knights game is something to behold, his observations about his teammates are sharp and astute, and he somehow rationalizes a plan in which he’d wrangle in a threesome before hitting a homer — and makes it sound believable. Kind of. Read on:
1. Is C-Gaw 600 the best hitter you've ever played with?
Lyons: He is, without a doubt, the best hitter I’ve played with. No matter what the pitch is or where it’s located, Corey always seems to square it up and then some.
2. You've recently been dubbed 'Real Shit' and 'Mr. Universe.' Discuss the merits of each and which you prefer.
Lyons: To me, 'Real Shit' exemplifies my personality and how I play the game. I always give it my all when I’m out on the diamond. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I would do anything for my team and teammates.
I’m not quite sure why Kenneth gave me ‘Mr. Universe’ but it probably has something to do with my killer physique and bulging muscles, plus the fact that I can do it all. If I had to choose one over the other it would probably be The Real Shit Lyons.
3. If you had to plow one of these British singers, who would it be: Jessie J, Lily Allen or Ellie Goulding? Feel free to Google photos if you don't know who they are.
Lyons: Definitely Ellie Goulding. She’s the only blonde of the bunch and that’s a big plus in my book. Besides, she is the only one I could actually stand to listen to while we were plowin’!
4. Was a baseball-free summer torture last year?
Lyons: It was indeed, I only got to play in two games last summer. One was for the Bears in 18AAA and the other was a fast-pitch softball game — first and only ever. I also had to umpire youth baseball and adult slow-pitch softball. So yeah, it was exactly that, torture.
5. What was your biggest misconception about playing for the Redhawks before actually being here?
Lyons: The biggest misconception I had about the Redhawks was that you guys were just a group of cocky, uptight, arrogant d-bags. Jared was the only one who really kept it cool with us and would chat with us. We used to call you guys the ‘Red Cocks’.
6. You and I had a bet a few months ago that after one of us homered, the other guy couldn't shave. Neither has gone yard. Are you more embarrassed for yourself or for me?
Lyons: I wouldn’t say embarrassed, more disappointed for both of us. I’m probably more disappointed in my batting because I hold myself to a higher standard to what I've shown thus far. I know I’m not the most powerful guy out there, and I never go to the plate with the approach thinking that I’m definitely going yard on this mo-fo. I just want to make solid contact on good pitches and get on base to help my team out.
7. After Chuck and Tommy, who is the most likely Redhawks player to be ejected?
Lyons: If G-Smash was still with us, it would be him because he plays with such a fiery intensity and passion that could be misconstrued. Who's knows what would happen if he struck out for the third time of a game, looking at a pitch that was a foot of the plate . . . As it stands now, I would guess Patty Rake. He has more of a quiet intensity about himself, but I don’t see him putting up with much BS from anybody.
8. What was your favorite performance of the year on a personal level?
Lyons: My favorite performance of this season would have to be the solid team effort we had in just our third game of the season when we trailed the Knights by eight runs in the bottom of the ninth inning. That was probably the best game that I’ve ever been a part of.
I remember talking to G-Smash in the outfield during a pitching change, telling him we definitely have the firepower to come back on these guys. Little did I know how it would actually go down, and that I would be a big part of it. It didn’t start well in the last inning, with those two tailor-made double plays that they ended up goofing up which open the door for us. The next thing I know we were scoring a bunch of runs and I’m coming to the plate.
The funny thing was that I hadn’t recorded a hit in the season yet, but I was as calm as can be with two outs and the tying run at second base. The umpire realized the situation and asked me if I was nervous, I responded by saying that I was up there to do one thing, and that was to get a base hit. Sure enough I got a fastball right over the plate and squared it up for the game tying RBI single.
The next batter was Tom Carle, and he got a pitch on the outside that he shot down the right-field line. As soon as the ball left his bat I was digging for third and was surprised to see Paul, as well as hearing the rest of the team yelling from the dugout, telling me to go home. Halfway down to home I peaked over to locate the ball and I saw the cutoff man botch the throw in. After that, a feeling of extreme passion and joy washed over me as I stepped on home plate. Chuck was the first person out of the dugout; he ran straight over to me and gave me a huge bear hug. Everyone was so elated for the comeback win that we were screaming and jumping all over the place.
I remember someone said “act like we’ve been there before,” but I was thinking to myself, I’ve never been a part of something like that. It just proved that this team doesn’t know the meaning of quit or giving up, no matter what happens we won’t go quietly into the night.
9. What's the major difference between the Rebels 2010 and Redhawks 2012?
Lyons: The major difference between those two teams is our extreme depth at every single position. Sam was pretty much our ace of the team with just a couple of pitchers behind him. If anyone went down we would have a hole in our roster. Unlike this team, if everyone shows up we have two or three decent replacements behind our starters.
10. How long did it take you to separate everyone and learn everyone's name?
Lyons: By the start of the season I had pretty much everyone who showed up to the practices down. I’m actually really good at remembering names and putting them to faces so it wasn’t too hard.
11. We've pitched Wild Ones as your walk-up song. If it was up to you, what would it be?
Lyons: Oh man, well, I would be one of those guys where it would change all the time. If I had to go with something right now, it would probably be Come One Come All by Zeph & Azeem or Seijun Suzuki by Blue Scholars. I'm into that dope underground hip-hop ish!
12. What is least likely? A) You and I both homer in a playoff game. B) Jared and Tom ask you to sit in as a guest vocalist. C) You wrangle in a threesome with two chicks from the NABA softball league.
Lyons: I would have to go with 'A', considering how I've had like two career home runs and none with the Redhawks. I could see Tom and Jared asking me to sing with them sometime. They are nice enough enough guys, but it would have to be a song that I know really well.
Finally, a wise man once told me, you never want to rule something like 'C' out in your lifetime. All I would have to do is take them out to somewhere there's good music, start groovin' with them on the dance floor and ask them if they like my moves. After that, I tell them that I've got even better moves off my feet. The deal is sealed!
12 Questions with Sam Makovsky
By Paul Willis
Sam Makovsky was pissed. Wait, was he?
“I don’t think Sam knows what that means,” Redhawks catcher Chuck Gillem said.
Turns out, maybe the Redhawks’ most mild-mannered, genuine member was merely aggravated. The poor strikeout call in the Mile High Classic, after all, ended his 10-game hitting streak.
He’s gotten a hit in the next nine games, so the low-strike call prohibited what would be a current 20-game hitting streak for the wiry-but-athletic second/baseman pitcher.
One of six former Rebels on the squad, the man who couldn’t attend Tommy Cowan’s bachelor party because it fell on Yom Kippur is one of the true good guys.
“I would definitely say Sam is the most responsible,” Cowan said. “Wouldn't go as far as saying goody-goody though. I've been fucked up with him plenty of times.”
“This one time me, Sam and Danny are all trippin’ acid, right, then all of the sudden Sam takes his pants off, runs out onto oncoming traffic screaming ‘looky, looky, I've got hooky,’” Cowan continued. “Whatever the hell that means. . . . Other than that, Sam is pretty safe when it comes to crazy shit.”
Read on to find out more about the player whose power stroke has been as absent a Gillem smile after a strikeout, but whose average would give him the nickname of Mr. Single if he didn’t have a girlfriend, and who has a Mazel Tov handshake with Jared Ming.
1. Rate the six former Rebels players from most to least mellow.
Makovsky: We are all pretty mellow unlike some of the veteran Redhawks like DJ, Pat and Tom. The most mellow is a tie between Tommy and Chuck. Those guys have the longest fuses. Kenneth is pretty calm about 82 percent of the time -- depending on the weather. Me, I'm like 40/60 on the mellow scale, 40 one way 60 the other . . . you understand. Billy and Danny are so rigid and uptight it's hard to be around them more than ten minutes.
Editors note: Pat Davis also is a first-year Redhawk. He is a former Shark.
2. Are your cousins as hot as Kenneth Weber purports them to be?
Makovsky: I think the only time Kenneth has ever seen my cousins is in their senior pictures in my parents house. And everybody looks hot in their senior pictures, so what does he really know, right?
3. Is Kenneth is the most apt about getting under your skin among team members?
Makovsky: Kenneth is second most apt behind that guy who is always singing. I haven't bothered learning his name.
4. From playing against the Redhawks in 2010, did you remember any individual players or just the team as a whole?
Makovsky: I do remember you, Paul, jumping around on the mound during the championship game when the Rebels lost. I also remember that singing guy hitting a bomb off me. There was never any easy outs playing against the Redhawks.
5. How did you spend your baseball-free summer in 2011?
Makovsky: I'd watch the Rockies with some tissues and a bottle of lotion. I have dry feet and I'm very emotional when the Rockies lose.
6. Tell us about your girlfriend, Kyoko. How long have you been together, how'd you meet, etc.?
Makovsky: I met Kyoko online playing WOW -- World of Warcraft, for you noobs. She was a fifth-level Warlock; I was an eighth-level Goblin. She saved me from a bore attack on the magical Darkshore. It was love at first character interaction. We have been together for the best 36 days of my life.
No, she would be mad if I didn't tell the truth. We met at a summer day camp three years ago. She is a music teacher in Cherry Creek School District and even though she is three years younger than me, when I grow up I hope to be as responsible, mature and good-hearted as she is.
7. How recent was your trip to Hawaii? Which island and who else went?
Makovsky: My mother turned 60 so my dad took her to Hawaii along with myself and my brother. I went to Oahu and really stayed close to Honolulu the whole time. Funny story from the trip, I actually sat on the plan next to the exact same people both coming and going. What are the odds right?
8. I'm deathly sick. Tommy is out of town. Who makes the lineup and runs the show for the Redhawks?
Makovsky: Easy . . . nobody! Forfeit. Next question.
No, there is one very easy solution to the question. We will call Danny's brother. He was our manager for the Rebels. If he doesn't answer . . . forfeit.
9. Teammates have noticed your astonishing ratio of singles among your 26 hits (25 of them). When was your last legit homer?
Makovsky: That stat is so strange for me. I'm not a power guy, but the last season I played for the Rebels, I led the team in triples and was second or third in doubles. I don't know what my deal is.
I have hit two homer runs in my life. One when I was 7 playing coach-pitch on an all dirt field. I hit a groundball past the shortstop and the ball kept going into a ditch. The second came in the little league state tournament when I hit a double. There were a few errors on the play but I still count it. I once hit the wall on a foul ball to left. That’s pretty good right?
10. Let's say all the current Redhawks' abilities extrapolate to the major-league level. Essentially, it's all of us in the majors right now in a pennant race. What franchise would you make us? (Rules: Can't pick Rockies, but doesn't have to be a currently contending team).
Makovsky: The White Sox. I have always liked the White Sox because my dad liked them. He liked them because he had an uncle, Philly Shames, that caught a few games for them in the 50s before he broke his thumb. Also, my boy Bar O likes ‘em.
11. Pick a different Redhawks player for each of the following. The catch is you can't choose a former Rebel. Has to be from the rest of the team. A) Who you'd MOST trust to pick up your mom from the airport; B) Who you'd LEAST trust to drive the team bus on a road trip; C) Who could drink the most without passing out; D) To study and take a test for you while you're out sick.
Makovsky: A) Matt seems like he would be a nice safe driver to get my mom home on time. B) Sorry G, but with that knee I'm not sure I would trust you drive the team on a road trip. Get better soon, though. C) Corey, you seem like you know how to party. Maybe not party and then play baseball the next day, but definitely party! D) DJ is my test-taking guy, in any subject.
12. What is a TV show you like or band that you listen to that would surprise teammates?
Makovsky: I just got really into Breaking Bad. That show is more addicting than the meth they are cooking. I can't say I listen to many bands. Limp Bizkit seems to pop into my head a lot when I'm playing tennis. That’s gotta count.
12 Questions with Kenneth Weber
By Paul Willis
Kenneth Weber isn’t shy about dropping bombs.
What? He only has one homer, you say? A grand slam against Boco in August?
You’re right. The bombs Weber drops are of the ‘F’ variety. A typical K-Dub sentence: “Fuckin, Tommy was fuckin’ gone so Gaudet had to fuckin play fuckin’ first.” Or something like that.
“I would say he swears as much as a dirty drunken sailor,” Redhawks shortstop Danny Qiu said. “Although he’s not a sailor, so he just swears like a dirty drunk.”
Weber has managed to sprinkle in some pretty dazzling infield defense, solid relief pitching and improving hitting to his F-tastic repertoire.
“Only Chuck, when he’s pissed off, and Tommy, during his bouncer stories, rival K-Dub in F-bombs,” Redhawks outfielder Derek Johnson said.
One of six former Rebels on the team, Weber sets himself apart from his former teammates in that you won’t hear West Coast rap, gangster rap or underground rap coming out of his car.
“Kenneth’s musical tastes, or lack thereof . . . “ Redhawks first baseman Tommy Cowan began. “Ha! Just kidding. To each their own, man. I’ve never hated anyone for liking a certain artist. Except Bieber. That fuck could get Lil Bow Wowed for all I care.
“But Kenneth, he’s a rock and metal kind of guy. But for the love of God, just please don’t ask him to play drums for you.”
Instead, we asked him to answer 12 questions in which he gets a shot in on, well, everyone.
1. Would you say you use 'fuck' the most liberally on the team in casual conversation ("and fuckin Lincecum pitched next . . . ). If not, who gives you a run for your money?
Weber: I would say it is fair to say I drop the F-bomb most liberally and have incorporated it into my vocabulary the way a valley girl uses "like" in hers. But hey, I'm not ashamed to swear like a dirty drunken sailor on a consistent basis, especially when I'm talking about my Rockies.
When it comes to who else is in the hunt, I'd probably say Danny and Jared are next in line simply because they speak in Asian dialects and I have no clue as to what they are saying, so I naturally assume they're saying 'fuck' every other word.
2. Would you consider yourself the biggest non-conformist of the six former Rebels? (More into rock than hip-hop, etc.).
Weber: Musically, absolutely. It's a hip hop world and I'm not a part of it, I'll admit to that. But in terms of who the true "Rebel of the Rebels" is, I'd probably have to give the nod to Chuck because he's a Cory Sullivan fan and clearly to cheer for Sully you have to be a non-conformist.
3. You've mentioned that you haven't hit up to your full potential this season. What type of numbers do you believe would be more indicative of you if you had the same amount of ABs next season?
Weber: I think a bump in average and extra base hits would be expected but that will only happen if I don't lead the damn team in strikeouts again and actually put the ball in play. My OBP was decent despite the amount of K's only because, along with Chuckles, I drew walks at a Youk pace.
Truth be told, I despise hitting. I get in my own head and psych myself out of at bats so if I can draw momentum off a good fall at the plate in to the spring and keep my defense and pitching around the level I was last spring, I believe I'll be fine.
4. All four MLB divisional series went five games. Which of these was the most satisfying to you?
Weber: Of the all the division series, I would say I most enjoyed the Tigers-A's. I like both teams and out of everybody would have most liked to see the A's advance -- only because they need to relocate and a ring would get the process moving much faster.
But the Tigers are built old-fashioned and Jim Leyland's face looks like a catcher's mitt which only adds to the drama, because when Valverde is on the bump, Leyland could have a heart attack any minute as he puts down half a pack in the ninth.
5. Like I asked some of the others, how did you spend your baseball-free summer last season? Was it a void not to play or pleasant break?
Weber: Definitely a void. I regained a lot of arm strength taking the time off, which was a bonus. But spending the summer on the whole Josh Hamilton Crown and Crack Diet probably set me back.
6. How did you perceive the Redhawks before you joined?
Weber: Well, I honestly thought Tom and Jared had a secret love affair going on, which still is true to this day. But all in all, I respected the talent level of the team and figured that old dude throwing 70 percent sliders all game on the bump was someone's crazy uncle that everyone didn't have the heart to say no to him joining.
7. Rate these people in order from most plowable to least. Feel free to Google them if necessary. 1) Gracie Glam (actress). 2) Kaley Cuoco (Big Bang Theory). 3) Carlie Rae Jepsen (singer). 4) Fox31's Shaul Turner.
Weber: Glam, Cuoco, Turner, Jepsen. I didn't know who Jepsen was, but first thought that came to mind was Amy Winehouse, which is never a good thing. Honorable mention: Kathy Bates.
8. Of the Redhawks in your fantasy baseball league, who is the most baseball-saavy (other than you, of course)?
Weber: I'd say Tommy but that joke isn't funny anymore, it's just depressing. But, I would certainly give him the edge over Danny, even though Danny's team has the most success -- which is crap because he only knows half of the players in the bigs at best.
Chuck was in it the year before last and we all know he's a seamhead, unfortunately for Chuck, he's a seamhead who's loyal to his M's. How's that working out for you buddy?
9. You've played second, shortstop, third and pitched this season. If you could play one position, all game every game, what would it be?
Weber: I'd be the on the bump for sure. There's a lot of enjoyment of playing in the field, but when you're on the hill you control the game and that's something that can't be matched.
10. If you were only permitted to watch one non-sports TV program for the next year, what would it be?
Weber: Have they mixed CSI and porn yet? No? Damn . . .
11. If just the Redhawks were voting for president, how would you hypothesize the vote would come out, percentage-wise?
Weber: Awful lot of honkies in that dugout so I'm going Romney in a landslide with one vote cast for Nader. Tom Carle just looks like a third-party kind of guy, ya know?
Editors note: Weber's guess isn't necessarily the viewpoint of the Redhawks site. . . . other than the assertion about Carle.
12. Write a mock passage of something you'd see in a typical Redhawks game story.
Weber: Talking about his three run bomb to dead center in the fifth, Sam Makovsky said "What can I say -- I got a good pitch to hit and drove it. Oh, oh, that, and all the bitches wanna fuck me."
When asked if all the bitches do indeed to want to fuck Sam, Ryan Bright replied: "What the hell is a Sam Makovsky?"
12 Questions with Thomas Carle
By Paul Willis
It was a textbook example of false advertisement. With more than 20 teams watching at the 2009 NABA draft workout, Thomas Carle hit a home run.
He was drafted by the Redhawks. In three seasons henceforth, he has not hit another.
“Tom Carle hitting a home run at the draft could be equated to Ke$ha’s music career,” Redhawks second baseman Matt Hohnholt said. “One big hit followed by a bunch of shitty singles.”
Give Carle, pictured with wife, Haley, some credit. With a repertoire largely composed of infield hits, he ranked third on the Redhawks’ career batting-average list entering the season at .398. Granted, this season’s .222 might nair that down a bit, but the dude – now a right fielder – has produced. Even if he never became a home-run hitter or a regular catcher.
“We had one need for the draft at that time and that was catcher,” said manager Chris Dobson, who admitted feeling a bit saucy at the draft. “By the time our position came up, we remembered Tom's homer, as he was the only catcher to hit one. Unfortunately, at that time he was still recovering from his macho arm-wrestling injury and couldn't throw. So we sacrificed defense with a catcher that appeared to hit bombs.”
Thanks to that draft pick, the Redhawks soon added some of Carle’s buddies from Chaparral High. Perhaps Redhawks fans have heard of these guys: Jared Ming, Corey Gaudet and Garrett Steinert. This prompted Hohnholt to proclaim: “Tom is like that ugly chick who you hang out with because she has all the hot friends.”
Fair? Probably not. But it’s probably also not fair that Carle had to wait till September for his turn at 12 Questions.
1. What was your first reaction upon hearing Corey "The Baseball" Gaudet is rejoining the Hawks for the playoffs? If this is the first you've heard of it, Corey is healthy for the postseason.
Carle: Sounds good. I think the only time I saw G-Smash smile this year was when Corey showed up at Green Mountain, so maybe our team helmets will get a few weeks off from his abuse. Also, every week Corey has not been in the lineup Paul's postgame reports have been getting shorter and shorter. Maybe this will rejuvenate his writing, not only for the Redhawks, but for the unauthorized biography of Corey he has been penning in his free time.
2. How do you respond to those you claim "Tom Carle wants to be just like Jared"?
Carle: Don't worry, I'm almost there. I'll probably dye my hair dark brown the Saturday before our next game, get a bitchin' tan while I'm here at the Outer Banks, then buy a whole bunch of new shoes so I never have to have them not match my shirt. I also just tried out for a Mama's and the Papa'a cover band . . . I mean tribute band. The only problem is, no matter how much PF Chang's I eat, I still can't become 1/8 Chinese. Any help on that one would be appreciated. Once the transformation is complete, I'm going to buy an Escalade with 22s and start trying to be just like Dobs.
3. You and Jared each can sing the songs of others well, but who would be better at composing a song from scratch?
Carle: I think I would have to give myself the nod on this one. Sophomore year of college I was thinking about giving the music thing a shot so I started writing songs. I soon decided that life wasn't for me, but I have about 20 serious songs in my catalogue and a whole bunch of humorous ones.
4. A lot of people have down numbers this year. You're not immune. Explain yours.
Carle: It seems as though real-life issues have been getting in the way of our grown-up Little League team. No excuses though, my shit's weak.
5. Did you ever figure the knee would still be hobbling you at this point?
Carle: Not at all.
6. Funny how you got drafted because you were the lone player at the draft to go yard, yet you've never gone yard in a game. Explain that anomaly.
Carle: I was a leadoff hitter growing up so my mentality at the plate was always to get on base, not hit the ball hard. In the cage and in BP I swing a bit harder than in a game. I would apologize to Dobs about the misrepresentation of my skills at the plate, but he also got Jared, Corey and G-Smash out of the deal so I think he's over it.
7. Make a Redhawks lineup going from nicest swing, form-wise, to least.
Carle: This is going to be a tough one because we all look damn good when we swing, but I'll give it a shot.
1. When Danny swings he looks like an angel, a very athletic angel.
2. Since I am curled up in a ball in the corner every time G-Smash swings the bat, I have never actually seen what some describe as the second coming. I can only assume it's next in line.
3. If Chuck's swing has done nothing else this season, it has taught every guy on the team how to pitch a tent.
4. Everyone knows my favorite 1/8 Chinese food dish is the No. 5 with a smile.
5. Even though he can't play any more this season, I am certainly going to miss Dobs’ deep squat and grunt every time he is at the plate.
6. Whoever decided that matter can neither be created nor destroyed has never seen what Tommy Cowan's bat does to a baseball.
7. Whenever Phillip steps up to the plate. I can't get the song Swing by Savage out of my head.
8. I'm not gonna lie Matt, your batting stance looks like one of the most uncomfortable stances I have ever seen, but when you unleash the fury on the ball, I've actually heard grown men weep in fear.
9. Paul would be much higher on this list if we were a golf team, but the numbers don't lie: dude hits the ball pretty f'in far.
Note: Corey "The Baseball" Gaudet has not accrued enough at bats this season to make the official list.
8. Let's be honest. If you had to guess, what percentage of your career hits with the Redhawks haven't left the infield?
Carle: I know my first season i had something like 20 in a row, so i would say somewhere in the 70 to 80 percent range. You can't teach this kind of power.
9. With Dobson now out because of an injury, who will opposing teams deem the most recognizable Redhawk? Not necessarily from a managerial/organization standpoint, but when they're talking about the team, "Oh, that's the team with the guy . . . . "
Carle: Dobs was such a dominating personality, it is difficult to think about. I just know Boco’s catcher seemed to dig the Asian persuasion, due to his obvious man crush on "Athletic" Danny and "Voice of a Unicorn" Jared. So for our next game they will certainly be the most recognizable.
10. The single-most enjoyable game as a member of the Redhawks?
Carle: Last season during the Fourth of July tournament we played the Salt Lake City Cubs. We had just completely demolished a formidable 25A team earlier that day and were running on a huge high going into our semifinal game. During the game, both team's fielding and pitching were on point and it was a closely fought battle all the way to the end. Redhawks came out on top (5-4) with a go ahead double and went on to easily win the final game the next day.
11. What makes Gracie Glam hotter than the run-of-the-mill adult actress?
Carle: I'm not gonna lie, I have only recently come across Gracie Glam and became an immediate fan. What makes her stand apart from all the others is that she looks as though she truly enjoys what she is doing. She isn't just some 19-year-old who hates her father and ran away from home trying to become famous. She doesn't seem like someone who started out in the strip club circuit but soon realized the easiest way to support her $500-a-day coke habit is to be filmed having sex for money. They say if you are doing what you love, you'll never work a day in your life. And though she is definitely doing work, it looks effortless for her. A true artist.
12. Which player’s baseball demeanor most belies what type of person his is off the field?
Carle: Let me just start this answer by saying I laughed at the thought of some people using their baseball persona during their regular jobs. G-Smash throwing a helmet at his boss every time he gets reprimanded, Dobs grunting every time his team makes a big sale, or Jared dog-piling the Kahuna Beach Party after every show. This one is a tie between Danny, Remer and Doug. All of those guys are just very laidback on and off the field.
12 Questions with Jared Ming
By Paul Willis
Jared Ming claims that when he is amongst his theater buddies, he is the most masculine. The one who can change tires and play sports.
But when he's around the Redhawks, he instantly becomes the most gay in the eyes of his teammates. Well, we decided to see if that claim is true by asking several Redhawks players. Here's what they said when asked how gay Ming is on a scale of 1 to 10.
Tommy Cowan: A solid 7.5, but that dude pulls mad tail, so it brings it down to 5.3.
Eric Remelius: 7. I think he has banged some hotties, but so did Ricky Martin before coming out.
Tom Carle: As his good friend, I wouldn't feel right giving a number. What I can say is Jared is proof that someone can have four bi-
curious experiences and still not be gay.
Derek Johnson: You could perceive 8.5 based on the way he acts, his drama/musical career, the lack of straight comments he says, and the fact that he spends more time with Tom than with girls combined. But in actuality, he is more of a 2 or 3.
Phil Wyett: I don't know if he takes dick in the ass, but his tendencies put him at a solid 13.
B.G. Rosalies: On the field, a 10 for obvious reasons. But when I first met Jared at Metro, a 2. Walking around campus he is a magician around the ladies. Watching him work was like watching Bree Olson play beer pong with no hands - incredible.
Chris Dobson: 4.5. I watched Tom Cruise blow Justin Bieber and that wasn't as gay as Jared.
Brad Hull (who pitches for the Hawks during tournaments): 8. I walked in on him doing anal with Elton John.
Matt Hohnholt: 5. Redhawks ladies confirmed he touches his junk more than any player on the team.
Luke Sprague (who plays with the Hawks during tournaments): 37. Anyone in a cover band automatically is a 10. Add in the Beach Boys and that is another 20. And on his own he is a 7. Simple math: 37.
Nick Garner (former Redhawks outfielder): I would say 3, but when he sings it jumps to 9.
Armann Heshmati (former Redhawks pitcher): 1. Is it really gay to rub another man's ass or to sing showtunes? I lived in San Francisco for four years and his sexuality would not be questioned there. He'd fit right in.
So there you have it. Read Ming's 12 Questions and you can decide for yourself what to rank him.
1. Were you surprised the song Douchetastic got all the attention it did, things such as players memorizing lyrics and listening to it in their cars?
Ming: With Douchetastic we were just messing around, but sometimes when you're messing around you create some beautiful, beautiful work. I think this shows that people who have a small dream can really do something good, and really up the morale for a team by all making fun of one big douche. That's what we're all here to do, play a little baseball and make fun of Dobs.
2. If you had started the season as manager, is there anything you'd do differently?
Ming: It's been a weird, weird year. I would have looked for more pitching because we started with just you and Baby Gap. We needed some extra arms, but beyond that, we had a solid team coming in. But we haven't played to our full potential as individuals or as a team.
3. Tell us a little about your new girl you're dating, Jesse.
Ming: Well, she works at the Parker Rec and awhile ago I went in and she was checking me out pretty hard. She's a really shy girl, so her checking me out was pretty cool.
I tried to talk to her, and it turned out she had a boyfriend so she didn't really give me the time of day. They broke up, I said let's hang out and she said no. She played hard to get, kind of, but we ended up hanging out.
4. If G-Smash and you were in a boxing match, who would win?
Ming: Man, I've never seen G-Smash fight. If he had a helmet and a baseball bat he would win, but a boxing match, dude, I would win. He has too much anger, and you can't go in with too much anger in a boxing match. You have to go in with a nice level head, you can't just fly off the cuff too fast.
5. Is the Beach Boys cover band good for attracting girls?
Ming: (Laughs) Absoultely not, dude, absoultely not. It is no good for picking up girls because no girl cares about it. The only ones that do are like 13-year-olds or 50-year-olds.
6. If you could trade places with any musical artist, who'd it be?
Ming: I don't know, because there's a lot of people who have a lot of talent but they're douchebags. Bruno Mars is hella-cool, but he's not really good live. He's good in the studio, he writes really good shit, but he's really pitchy live.
Someone like Jason Mraz would be pretty sweet, but I'd want to be someone like Jamie Cullum. He's not a good-looking dude and he's not athletic at all, which would bother me, but he's ridiculously talented.
7. People give you shit about having gay tendencies, but who truly is the gayest on the team?
Ming: This is the easiest target to pick, but it has to be Dobs. Look at all the gay shit he does. He's all about material, he's all about what you have, he's all about what you wear. He's all about the gay shit. He has a gay mentality but he's married to a woman - for now.
And all the homophobic people usually are gay. If the closet gets too crowded, he might be coming out soon.
8. What are the odds the Redhawks win it all?
Ming: Honestly, it all based on who shows up to play. Not just physically but mentally and everything. Who wants to show up to win and who's going to be a little baby bitch. If we play strong defense and don't strike out 19 times, we can hold our own.
9. Is it true you're the manliest of the theater and gayest of the Hawks?
Ming: It's not the truth, but it's what I feel like. In the theater, everyone's like "Jared's so manly, he plays sports, blah, blah, blah." Then I'm around the Redhawks and they're like: "You fag, you do theater, you sing. You're gay." So it's not the truth - I'm not gay at all - but that feeling is totally true. I'm the man in the theater crowd and I'm the homo of the Redhawks.
10. Who throws harder. Ryan Bright or Brad Hull?
Ming: The only time I faced Light Bright was the first game I got back from my hand surgery, so it's not a good judge. I managed a double off him, but I own Brad, dude. I guess Bright throws harder because Brad doesn't throw shit past me (laughs).
11. You've supported your mom well through her ordeal. Did she dig the pink bat?
Ming: Yeah, she loved it. There's a lot of stuff still going on and she's working hard to get through it, but, yeah, she loved it.
12. Make a batting order based on if every Redhawks player was single, who'd be the most likely to pick up chicks during a night downtown.
Ming: 1. Danny - Because everyone likes (enter Asian accent) Asian eggroll. (End accent)
2. Chuck - He's got that pretty-boy swag.
3. Tom Carle - Girls throw themselves at Tom.
4. Jared - I put me in the cleanup spot because I clean up those ladies.
5. Tommy - He's a man's man, no girly shit like Chuck with his shoe collection.
6. G-Smash - The short ladies will like him.
7. DJ - Good-looking dude, ripped, and has the shy-guy thing going.
8. Remer - Huge forearms and baby-blue eyes.
9. Doug - One word: Pilot.
10. Paul - Girls like old guys more than the other way around.
11. B.G. - Tan Mexican skin attracts babes.
12. Matt - Can't even make believe he's single as much as he's into his new chick.
13. Dobs - Last because women can tell when guys like other guys.
12 Questions with Matt Hohnholt
By Paul Willis
He is one of the most creative and loyal Redhawks. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the crux of the matter.
Matthew J. Hohnholt made mincemeat of the 18AA league in 2007, hitting .427 in helping the Redhawks reach the championship game. Since then, the .400s have been as vacant as a deadbeat husband on rent day, but he entered the season with a solid .338 career mark. Then there's this season, in which he has plummeted to .200.
“He sucked us in like a new girlfriend sucks you in,” manager Chris Dobson said. “She starts off giving you as much action as you can take, giving you 100 percent effort, then slowly the action and effort tapers off. Before you know it, you’re in a long-term relationship with a fraction of the action and you’re too comfortable to move on.”
In fairness, life has balanced out nicely for Hohnholt, who met the one this January in his girlfriend Meg Kullerd (the two are pictured upper right). That’s nice and all, but 9-for-45?
“He has canthitwithgirlfrienditis,” Dobson offered.
“He’s jerking off too much,” pitcher B.G. Rosalies said. “Or not enough.”
Whichever the case, we’ll let him explain in this week’s segment of 12 Questions.
1. Explain the factors that have contributed to your shitty season thus far.
J. Hohnholt: I'm not having a shitty season. I have more bombs and RBIs than Corey Gaudet. Actually, I think it has a lot to do with where I hit in the lineup. When I was hitting in the No. 3 or 4 hole back in 2007 my average was .427. My one game hitting second was my only multihit game this season. When I bat last I'm expected to be a shitty hitter, therefore I am.
2. Here's the question you've been waiting for. Write a few mock sentences of a Redhawks game story.
J. Hohnholt: REDHAWKS FAIL TO CELEBRATE DOBSON INJURY
DENVER - Picture yourself in Vegas hitting up one of the hottest clubs on the strip. You are having a great time with the guys, when all of a sudden you turn and see one of the hottest girls you have ever laid eyes on.
This is a girl so hot, that calling her a 10 would be an insult. Customize her as you wish in your mind – a Megan Fox, Jessica Biel, Kim Kardashian hybrid – but the main thing is that she wants to hook up with you. After a great night of amazing sex you both decide to exchange contact info. When the girl hears your last name she immediately picks up a trash can and starts to dry-heave. Then she turns back to you and says, "I'm your sister."
The Redhawks were faced with a similar feeling on Sunday as a result of an injury to manager and first baseman Chris Dobson. What normally would be a reason to celebrate, the Redhawks found themselves with a sick feeling in their stomachs realizing that their playoff hopes were likely crushed as a result.
3. What is most likely to happen first? You have a two-homer game, the Rocks make the playoffs or you get engaged?
J. Hohnholt: Well I've already had a two-homer game in high school and the Rocks won't be in the playoffs until 2014 or 2015. That makes getting engaged an easy answer to this question. While the bachelor life has been fun, I'm getting tired of eating Lucky Charms for dinner.
If there is one area the Redhawks have always excelled in, it is finding amazing women to marry. Meg is the perfect girl for me and I'm looking forward to making her a member of the Redhawks Wives Club.
4. You've talked about not playing next year. Is this because your season is not where you'd like it and the team is only so-so after winning regularly the past two seasons, or more to it?
J. Hohnholt: Maybe it is the high amount 9 a.m. games this season, but baseball is just becoming too big of a commitment. I would like to experience a summer that involves sleeping in every Sunday and then hitting the golf course with some beers. It would also be nice not to be sore Monday through Wednesday every week.
5. Compose a batting order of 10, going from most to least likely to get thrown out of a game.
J. Hohnholt: 1. Chuck – Biggest shit talker on the team.
2. Tommy – His voice carries more than everyone else.
3. Dobson – He should be No. 1, but I've seen him get kicked out and talk himself back into a game.
4. Paul – Has the worst body language after a bad call.
5. Garret – It sounds like he has Tourette's when he's in the outfield.
6. Phil – With the high amount of K's, he is one bad NABA call away from a meltdown.
7. Jared – One umpire is going to be homophobic.
8. Tom – Thrown out with Jared.
9. Danny – It must be hard to hold in your emotions all the time. Just like holding in your farts, it's not good for your body.
10. Andy – He will plunk too many batters with his medium-ball.
6. What is the best fantasy sports team name you've ever come up with?
J. Hohnholt: I'm a little obsessed with Borat, so I had a team called the Kazakhstan Jew Crushers. My logo was a picture of Borat in the neon green thong. Very Niiiiceeee!
7. Write a limerick about the Redhawks.
J. Hohnholt: There once was a Redhawk named Chris.
Who had a bad case of Syphilis.
He said it would burn,
when touching his worm,
and he cries when taking a piss.
8. If last year's Redhawks squad plays this year's, what's the score?
J. Hohnholt: Ditka 72 - Redhawks 3. Oops, wrong match-up.
2010 Redhawks 15
2011 Redhawks 7
9. Your buddy Phil Wyett has always been a standout hitter. Since you've known him the longest, what's going on with his swing this season, and are you rooting for him to get the K record?
J. Hohnholt: Well he's not hitting the ball. He should really try to fix that. I figure since he has come this far, he might as well go for the record now. I predict that he will match his jersey number in strikeouts (33). As far as rooting for him to get the K record? I really don't care what he does as long as he passes me on the strikeout list.
10. We have to win all four of our remaining games to make the playoffs. Construct a metaphor beginning with: The Redhawks qualifying for the playoffs is as likely as . . . .
J. Hohnholt: I could create 100 of these.
The Redhawks qualifying for the playoffs is as likely as the Broncos winning the Super Bowl this year.The Redhawks qualifying for the playoffs is as likely as Paul Willis being happy after a forfeit. The Redhawks qualifying for the playoffs is as likely as Chris Dobson becoming a Pastor of church.
11. You seem to be enraptured with your girlfriend Meg. Tell us the story of how you met/got together.
J. Hohnholt: I was snowboarding at Breck in January and I met Meg in the singles line. We ended up getting on the same chair lift together and we really hit it off, so I asked her to join me for a beer at the lodge. We decided to go on a date the following week in Denver and the rest is history. It's pretty easy to fall in love with a beautiful 5-foot-11 red-headed architect who cooks you bacon shrimp pizza.
12. Dobson's recent arm injury has almost certainly forced him into retirement. What will be his legacy?
J. Hohnholt: I really don't want to say anything nice about Dobson, but it's hard to deny his impact to the team since its origination. He will arguably go down as one of the top hitters in Redhawks history. Besides his performance on the field, he will also be remembered as the most colorful personality off the field -- by colorful I mean Douchetastic.
Dobson's legacy is also tied to the culture of the team. Without Dobson, I doubt we would grab beers after every game. Dobson is the prototypical example of the guy that every team hates, but you are happy when he is on your team. Whether you like Dobson or hate him, there is no one else like him in this world.
Chris: Let me know when you can pay me that $100 for saying something nice.
12 Questions with Chris Dobson
By Paul Willis
Some have pointed out that his batting helmet lacks plastic. Others have claimed that his attitude is “Douchetastic.”
“He grunts when he hits,” Redhawks third baseman Jared Ming said.
Chris Dobson (pictured with wife, Ariana) is one of NABA’s most polarizing figures, one of those guys who is detested by opponents – for everything from his single-eared batting helmet to the way he stands in the box – but loved by his teammates. Well, he’s liked by his teammates. Accepted by them. Tolerated.
On the real, he dishes it out more than anyone, and his comments often contain a sarcastic, sometimes demeaning edge. Off the field, his comedian-like rants draw laughs. On the field, there are mixed reviews. He undoubted possesses the innate ability to get under the other team’s skin. Right fielder Thomas Carle, one of Dobson’s favorite targets, has a theory.
“When he was 25, he was diagnosed with douchelexsia,“ Carle said. “It’s characterized by what happens when someone small growing up turns into someone 6-foot-3, 240 pounds. Side effects include chiding the other team for not helping with the field work, belittling someone’s inability to read and grunting on every swing.”
Second baseman Matt Hohnholt expands on the theory, saying: “There are alpha-males on each team and Dobson is an alpha-male. Sometimes it seems like a contest of who can be the bigger douche.”
Hohnholt did not bemoan Dobson’s one-up attempts, but said he is simply “filling his role in nature.” (As a side note, don’t get Dobson started on 1UP the bar.) Philosophy aside, here’s Dobs’ session of 12 Questions.
1. You've hinted that this year almost certainly is your last. What conglomeration of factors would have to ensue for that to change?
Dobson: I plan on going to Rockies Fantasy Camp next year and I'd have to get the bug for competition based on my experience with the Rockies coaching staff and ex-players. A "We want Tacos" commercial would help as well. A song written in my honor has already been completed.
2. Many have mentioned that it's difficult to get a response from you via phone or text. Explain your side of this.
Dobson: I'm an asshole.
3. Who are the most- and least-classy opponents this year? How about all-time?
Dobson: That's tough because most teams are cool as a whole but there seems to be a guy that gives them a bad rep. Least-classy: Boco. The coach and idiot catcher deserve each other. And what kind of fuckwad has a left-handed catcher?
Most: Knights. Like us they've been around for a long time and there's a reason. Least-classy of all time? I'm going way back to the Yellowjacket’s catcher. I've never seen anyone that was hated by everyone –including his team – before or after that douche.
4. Let's pretend you can only have one guy back from our four new regulars this season (Tommy, Chuck, Danny and Phil). We know they're all good and all cool, blah, blah, blah, but who is the one you take?
Dobson: Tommy. I like the way he plays. I like his hustle and passion.
5. I've forwarded the track Douchetastic to your email. Keeping in mind it's a giving-you-shit thing (roast style) and not a spiteful tune, give us your review both in content and performance.
Dobson: I think it's funny; Ariana and I both laughed. I'm not sure it compares to the likes of other famous songs written about people like "Dear Mama" or "Candle in the Wind." Perhaps one day the Beach Boys will be relevant again and Jared will get his big break and re-release Douchetastic and I can get on Behind the Music.
6. If you were manager of the Hawks, what would be your first change? Oh, wait, you are the manager. How bout this: if you and I were both missing on Sunday, who'd be next in line to run the show?
Dobson: Garrett. I think he takes the team serious enough to make the necessary tough decisions it takes to play in a competitive league and wouldn't create a little-league atmosphere.
7. Take a look at the Redhawks hitting stats for the season. What most stands out as a positive surprise and a disappointment?
Dobson: Positve surprise is G-Smash even though we only had a small sample to go by last year. I'd say I've been the biggest disappointment. It was tougher than I thought to get through my early-season back problems.
8. On Metro graduation day, you texted both Jared and Doug that you couldn't make their parties but hoped to see them soon. They soon found out it was a blanket text sent simultaneously. What was your reaction when they found out?
Dobson: See Question 2.
9. Construct a batting order of nine (your choice of any nine Redhawks) in which it goes from most gay to least (most gay leading off, etc.). You can add explanations if you deem it necessary.
Dobson: 1: Jared – duh.
2–9: Ghost batter.
10. Do you find it humorous that the Hawks site has built a following over the years (over 30,000 hits), which includes your buddy Jeremy who is a loyal every-week reader in Oklahoma?
Dobson: The site is fun for the guys on the team and people they know. There was no Internet when Jeremy saw me play baseball in high school, and he knew me as a 155-pound shortstop, not the “270-pound" slugger.
11. You recently hired Robin Carlin (the hot bootie girl from the CarGo Taco Bell commercial). Now, as her boss we won't ask you to comment on her looks. But, how would team members perceive her if they saw her in person?
Dobson: Omit this question.
Replacement question: What cause Obstructive Sleep Apnea (OSA)?
A cause for OSA can be the soft palate collapsing during sleep, or most notably, REM sleep causing the airway to become obstructed and creating apneas during rest.
12. Who is your least favorite Rockies player of the past few seasons?
Dobson: Hands down Willy Taveras, all-time worst Rockie. Ian Stewart is a close second. He's just worthless at the plate. I'd have more confidence in Rogers batting than Stewart.
12 Questions with Drew Rosalies
By Paul Willis
Drew Rosalies had grown weary of stepping on the scale and seeing “to be continued.” So, rather than just talking about shedding some weight, he’s done it. Seventy-one pounds since July, 2009, in fact (insert your applause here).
He’s feeling so svelte, he’ll soon be telling fat jokes of his own. Like the one about the lady who stepped on the scale only to read “no livestock please” or the fellow who had to donate his belt so it could be used to measure the earth’s equator. Or the mom who has to wake up in sections.
“It doesn’t surprise me at all that he can pitch a complete game,” said Redhawks designated hitter Phil Wyett, who recently shed about 25 pounds of his own. “But I bet sex still tires him out after about five minutes.”
Hearing Rosalies (pictured with wife and hellacook Sarah) rant on the subject, that is doubtful. Baseball-wise, recent struggles have dropped his pitching record to 1-3 – a mirror opposite of last season’s mark – but the (now only somewhat) big man is still a favorite among teammates. The site caught up with him this week for his first web feature.
1. You recently hurt your left shoulder at work. Give us the rundown and prognosis of how long you'll be out.
Rosalies: Well as it turns out, I wish I could say that I hurt my arm at work, at least then I could have some dignity. However, last Saturday, I was helping a friend move stuff out of her recently dead mother's apartment and fell down a stair and cracked my left side on a concrete wall – completely sober I might add. As for the arm, it is getting better, but I still have limited motion. Even if I was in town this week and could show up, I'm not sure that I would be able to throw. I hope to be back to full medium-ball strength by the following week.
2. You're known as Andy, we call you B.G. and your Facebook calls you Drew. If a stranger meets you, which of the three names do you introduce yourself as?
Rosalies: As for B.G., that was something you guys started last year, and you guys are the only ones that call me that. Shouldn't be a big surprise for most of the team that my real first name is Andrew – no one calls me that. I have always gone by Andy as long as I can remember and most people know me by Andy.
However, when I decided to change careers and my lifestyle in 2009, this just seemed like a good idea at the time, kind of like nailing Jesse Jane – never a bad idea. So Drew is like my Marshall to Eminem, or some shit like that. If a stranger meets me I would introduce myself as Drew. Everyone at my teaching jobs and at school calls me Drew.
3. You seem to grasp all the intricately well-researched porn-star references in the Redhawks game stories. Where is your vast knowledge rooted?
Rosalies: Although I do have a great deal of knowledge in the porn industry. I really haven't seen that many. Really only the classics, Debbie Does Dallas, The Hills Have Thighs, Bikini Frankenstein, really the list goes on. When I lived in Grand Junction in 2003 when I was 18, it was the only time I was ever away from Sarah for an extended amount of time, so what can I say. Hard times.
4. You've lost a ton of weight. What was your high point, where are you now and what is your goal weight?
Rosalies: At my greatest weight was July 2009, when I weighed 327 pounds. Today I weigh 256. I don't really have a goal. In my Mexican traditional family we are taught that if you make a goal there is a chance that you might not reach it, hence, epic failure. So going along with that tradition I just want to lose enough weight to be happy with myself, but secretly I would love to be known for having wheels one day.
5. Were you aware that Jared and Tom planned to make a duplicate of your Thornton Summer Champs blue hoodie in an attempt to disprove your assertion that "they don't just give these away?"
Rosalies: Damn choir boys will learn the truth behind this quote one day. They can keep attempting this reconstruction of my legacy but I know that until they can piss excellence and shit perfection everyday, like me of course, I have no worries. 22's SON!
6. If you and Sarah could invite any celebrity to partake in some triple activity (girl or guy, ha!), who would it be?
Rosalies: If I'm dreaming, I would chose a vintage Pamela Anderson, but if we are talking about celebs from today, Mila Kunis. Just know that I am aware she doesn't have the greatest body, but there is just something about those I wanna suck your dick eyes that says she would be down for whatever. And you know I'm down for the kinky shit. I would probably tie her up in my sex cave and make her and Sarah get down!
7. Who on the team cracks you up the most?
Rosalies: Chuck. By a landslide, I know eventually one of our umpires is going to take what he says personal and there will be blood. I think it's just a matter of time. His outlandish comments that he screams from the dugout and his bad-boy comments he says to the umpire when he is behind the dish crack me up every time.
8. Why have the Redhawks been so average this season?
Rosalies: I think after last year, it was easy for us to get used to winning. I mean really, there wasn't a lot of other competition. Plus last year seemed like we were always in a rhythm. These days it's like watching a Nikki Benz movie. You know it's only a matter of time till someone gets it in the rear.
9. You only have five career official at-bats with the Hawks. Are you OK with being a pitcher only, a la Brad Hull, or is there a hunger to get some ABs?
Rosalies: In retrospect there are a few times where I think having a chance at the plate could have made the difference in a game. However, I would like to see a few more a bats here and there. That is the only way to get better. I know that I can help the team the most on the bump. You just have to look past my almost-20.00 era.
10. If you were the manager of the Redhawks, what would be your first change?
Rosalies: Here's my lineup:
1. Danny SS
2. Garrett CF
3. Jared 3B
4. Tommy C
5. Chuck LF
6. Dobs DH
7 Matt 2B
8. Paul P
9. Doug RF
Bench: Whomever else shows up.
I think this lineup gives us what I think is the best chance to win, and I would make sure, win or lose, everyone gets at least three innings in the game every game or gets to bat the whole game. I hate the fact that we seem to get close to getting short on people and, instead of adjusting, we bring in these other people that never pay and only show up once or twice.
11. All the Redhawks take five shots at once. Who is the most and least drunk afterwards?
Rosalies: I'm calling Dobs out. I think he can probably hold the most liquor on the team. Based the facts that he is the oldest and is gradually becoming the biggest. Haha! Let's face it, he has been old enough to drink since I was 16, that speaks for something.
For the most drunk, I think that would have to be Doug. The guy is a fucking twig! I bet he runs around in the shower to get wet. He probably has to watch out for the drain hole. Besides that, he is a new dad and still working very hard on his career. His tolerance level has got to be at an all-time low.
12. If you were forced to play for another team in the NABA, who would it be?
Rosalies: I think I would try to comprise my own team and take it back down to 18A where my pitching would be more effective. I would try to put together a team of guys that I played with as a high schooler and kids that I coached along the way. I'm sure that I would have enough to throw a team together. If not, fuck it, I'm trying out for the Sky Sox. I think they still have open tryouts every year.
12 Questions with Phil Wyett
By Matt J. Hohnholt, Paul N. Willis and B.G. Rosalies
Redhawks Team Members
When I first met Phil Wyett, I was 12 years old and just getting ready to start sixth grade in my new hometown of Strasburg, Colorado. Back then Phil was a short kid who was eagerly waiting for a growth spurt.
The funny thing about Phil back then was that he was known as the kid who didn’t have a voice. Whether it was laryngitis or puberty, the kid literally never spoke more than a few words the first couple of months I knew him. He essentially was the child version of Danny Qiu.
hen one day Phil opened his mouth and just started talking to me like nothing had ever been askew. Sixteen years later, Phil is still talking . . . and talking . . . and talking. One of his trending topics in recent months is to transform everything subject into an anal reference.
“At first I thought he was a creeper, but now I just think it’s a funny fetish,” Redhawks catcher Chuck Gillem said. “Good luck, Phil.”
The Redhawks site caught up with Wyett, pictured with wife Ashley, and tag-teamed him on a myriad of topics.
1. For a guy who likes anal so much, how do you have so many kids?
Wyett: Wrong hole a few times.
2. Does Ashley brush off all the anal references as mere guy talk?
Wyett: Ashley is used to it. Nothing I say bothers her.
3. Your daughter is suddenly 21 and you have to pick a Redhawks player to date her (assuming all are single). Who do you trust?
Wyett: I trust Matt. Not because I don’t think he would try to slide the meat. I just know he can’t close the deal.
4. Nick Garner's strikeout record of 30 seemed as untouchable as Cy Young's 511 victories. You’re on pace. What's going on?
Wyett: I have never been a big strikeout guy, so this season is frustrating me. It wouldn’t be so bad if I could at least hit home runs when I’m not striking out. I think we need to blame Ariana for this. I’m trying to earn my spot on her roster, and the pressure is getting to me. I know I am a better hitter than what I have shown so far this season. I’ll figure it out.
5. What's the biggest difference between playing on the Redhawks and the Sharks of 2010?
Wyett: Playing with a roster full of guys that care about winning.
6. Is it gay if two guys are in a three-way?
Wyett: It’s not gay if you don’t kiss.
7. Last year you had the option to play with the Redhawks, but elected to play with the Sharks. What was behind this decision?
Wyett: It would have been a last-second decision that would have left the Sharks really shorthanded. I didn’t want to be the reason those guys didn’t get to play last season.
8. Brad Hull allows you to post one status update for his Facebook account. What would you write?
Wyett: “ Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give him anal and you’re fucked because he will want it more than the fish.”
9. Many Redhawks many not know that you served in the Navy. What was the funniest moment when you served?
Wyett: I was a nuclear engineer for the Navy. In the plant, we used to have large tanks that we used to cool the reactor coolant. It sucked cleaning them, because you got grime all over your clothes and you were only allowed to do laundry once a week on the sub.
One night, it was about midnight, and I didn’t think any of the higher-ups would be awake, so I took my
uniform off and made a loincloth out of some duct tape and paper towels to clean the condenser. I climbed up in the condenser and had a person stationed as watch outside. I didn’t realize we had a new captain coming to the boat, and he just so happened to arrive at midnight that night.
He decided to go around and introduce himself to the guy on watch that night. As soon as I saw the flashlight beam shining into the condenser, I thought it was my watchman, so I lifted the loincloth and mooned him. Then I turned and saw the captain shake his head and climb back down the ladder without saying a word. The next day, my chief got reamed.
10. What is your greatest baseball accomplishment?
Wyett: Personally, being selected to the All-State team in high school. That year we set a school record for the best record in our school’s history and went into the playoffs as the No. 1 seed.
11. You have been known to play a series of games that you call "Bar Olympics". How does this work? And which RH player do you think would give you the toughest competition?
Wyett: It is basically Olympics with bar games. We go to Sports Column or Blake Street Tavern and separate into teams. The teams compete in all of the games like pool, Buck Hunter, etc. The team that wins the most games gets their tab paid for by the losing team, and the losing team has a week to make a medal and give it to the winning team. The medals are pretty funny.
I think Dobs would be my toughest competition because he has old-man strength and that overcomes anything else.
12. When are you going to stop being an asshole and hit some home runs?
Wyett: If I could explain why I stopped being able to hit, I would have fixed it by now. I was hitting well early in the year and then had a bad game. I think I stressed about it too much and changed my swing. I’m working on getting it back together. I still think I will end with a decent average and home-run total. Don’t we have a batting instructor on this team? Why can't he fix it?
12 Questions with Danny Qiu
By Paul Willis
When it was announced Danny Qiu was going to be this week’s subject for 12 Questions, Redhawks players weren’t exactly predicting a giggle party when reading his responses.
“They’re all going to be one-word answers,” teammate Tommy Cowan said.
To be fair, predicting Qiu to throw out laughtastic quips would be as short-sighted as believing Jenna Haze is about to become a born-again virgin or that Redhawks catcher Chuck Gillem is about to completely remove the F-bomb from his vernacular. That’s because, by most accounts, Qiu is the quietest guy on the team.
“It’s not even close,” designated hitter Phil Wyett said. “I don’t know if I’ve ever heard him talk.”
Well, readers might be pleasantly surprised, as the good-natured Qiu had snappy responses and started fast with a concise-but-awesome answer to the very first question. He addresses his own play and many other issues, such as the misconceptions concerning his Chinese heritage. Wyett, for instance, isn’t sure whether the two-hole is an option for Chinamen (in sex, not baseball).
“Probably pretty easy for a ninja to sneak in the back door,” Wyett observed.
Anyway, here’s how Qiu – pronounced Kwee – breaks it down in this weeks segment:
1. Have you ever had anyone just assume you can't speak English and talk to you real slowly?
Qiu: Yeah, once. . . . But now he permanently talks slowly.
2. Tell us your chick situation. Have one? Like one?
Qiu: Right now I don't have a girl. There are a couple girls out there right now that I like, so we'll see where it all goes.
3. If you could plow any celebrity, who'd be atop the list?
Qiu: Ha, there are so many out there. I don’t know, the Jessicas are definitely up there – Beil, Alba and Simpson.
4. You take Jared's Asian-speak pretty well, but on a scale of 1 to 10, how much does it irritate you?
Qiu: Probably around a 1 or 2. I mean, I've basically heard it all so it doesn't really bother me.
5. Which Redhawks would be the most and least likely to get tossed from a game because of their mouths?
Qiu: I would say Tommy or Dobs would be the most likely, easily. Then the rest of us would be the least likely, because after one of them gets tossed out, we would have to watch our mouths or else we wouldn't have enough players to finish the game.
6. With your mild-mannered ways, it seems silly to ask this, but here goes: Have you ever been kicked out of a game in any sport at any age?
Qiu: Nope. I only started playing baseball in 8th grade. But ever since I started playing third base, I was always waiting for a brawl to take place, ‘cause I would be one of the first people to blindside the batter going after my pitcher. Haha.
7. More than half the season is gone and you're still without a yard ball (although you've hit well of late). How many will you end with?
Qiu: I think I can still end up with around five to seven still.
8. Without looking at the website, guess weights for the following players: Tommy, Chris, Paul and Phil. Also, tell us which Redhawks player weighs the least and what that weight is. No peeking.
Qiu: I would say Tommy is around 210; Dobs is around 220; Paul is around 200 and Phil is around 215. I would say either Dougie Fresh or DJ weighs the least at around 140 to 145.
(Editors note: Let’s see how he did. Danny obviously isn’t out to offend anybody, as he guessed low on the first four. Dobs is 240, Phil 230 and Tommy and Paul 220 apiece. He nailed Doug’s at 145, but DJ is at 153).
9. What was your reaction when you found out the Redhawks wanted you on the team?
Qiu: When I found out you guys wanted me on the team I actually wasn't sure if I really wanted to, at first. Not because I didn't want to play with you guys, but because I didn't want to abandon my teammates.
10. Rumor is you were on hand for the making of the track Douchetastic. Let's hear your honest review.
Qiu: To be honest, I don't really know what to think about the track. Some of the rhymes are really good and some of it is pretty corny. Overall (that day at B.G. Rosalies’ house), I believe that we created a sweet new game involving ping pong and sandals.
11. What is the biggest misperception American folks have about Asians?
Qiu: One misconception that people have about Asians is that it's hard for us to see, even though I have perfect 20/20 vision. So that's false as well as other some other beliefs (concerning junk size). Well, at least false for me, haha.
12. Let's categorize a perfect day for you. The chick of your choice (not a celeb, someone you know) is taking you out to dinner then to a concert. Who's the chick, where's the dinner and what's the band?
Qiu: Let's see, I would have to go with Dobs's wife, Taco Bell, and a Kenny Chesney concert. Hahaha, just kidding, hopefully I will still get playing time for that joke. The perfect day would have to be with this girl I work with from my gym, dinner would be at this nice intimate Italian place in Boulder called Il Pastaio's, then I don't really know what band because I've actually never been to a concert before.
12 Questions with Paul Willis
By Matt J. Hohnholt
Redhawks Second Baseman
To celebrate the recent release of Displaced, the first published novel from Redhawks pitcher/outfielder Paul Willis, I will show everyone how to write their own Redhawks article in 5 easy steps.
Step 1: Suck the reader in with an introduction that sounds like a real story.
Over the years, many players have wondered what the perks are to playing on the Redhawks. Some would say the prestige of winning championships. Others do it for the awesome team chemistry. Then there's the game stories. While our big league dreams may have vanished long ago, we can always feel like big-leaguers by reading our names in a game story every week. We have Paul Willis to thank for all of this.
Step 2: By now the reader realizes the intro sucks, this is the perfect place to slide in a porn reference.
Paul means as much to the Redhawks as lubricant means to (insert your favorite porn star) during a (select your favorite Wendy's burger size) anal scene.
Step 3: Bore the reader with a bunch of stats.
Since the inaugural year of the Redhawks in 2002, Paul has thrown together impressive stats in all areas.
.375 career average
Overall Record 88-49
1,265 total strikeouts
Step 4: Insert another porn reference or something shocking involving pop-culture.
When you combine Paul's batting skills with his devotion to the website, hits come more frequently than sitting at a blackjack table with Chris Brown and Rihanna.
Step 5: End with quotes from the team.
Unfortunately this is where my effort falls short. Since no assholes on the team would respond back to me – thanks Chris, Jared and Phil – I will be forced to insert a default quote of what I think they would have said.
When asked what Paul means to the Redhawks, here is what each player responded:
Chris Dobson: "I don't have time to answer this. You are on MY time!"
Jared Ming: In a horrible Asian accent: "I rearry rike Paur Wirris, without Paur we wourd pray shitty barr."
Phil Wyett: "I want anal."
Thanks guys. That was very insightful. I guess it is harder to write like Paul Willis than I thought. Let's move past this train wreck & hear what Paul has to say in this week's 12 Questions feature.
1. Let's get all of the PR shit out of the way first. Congratulations on becoming a published author. What is your new book "Displaced" about?
Willis: Thanks for the props, and for helping with the Facebook page. The book is about a girl in San Diego who disappeared for 14 months and then returned unharmed, spouting a story that she had left for a job. One friend realizes it's a lie and tries to uncover her actual whereabouts. Meanwhile, a dude's house in the Denver area is being broken into and he can't figure out why since nothing is ever missing. He encounters more surprises as he tries to figure out why. The two plots eventually tie together. That's a very basic take of how things get started.
2. Where can people go to buy a copy of Displaced? Do you get screwed over if we buy it from Amazon?
Willis: As Tommy told me a few weeks ago, thanks for the plug. You can get the book on hard cover here or on Kindle here. And no, going to Amazon doesn't screw me because I get half of all Kindle sales. For the hard cover and paperback, they jack the prices up so go to the site here.
And dudes on the team, I'll have some copies in my possession the publisher is having me sell so just holler if you want one.
3. The Redhawks have several unique personalities. Who's life story would you like to write about, and what would the title of their book be?
Willis: I would feature Jared Ming, because so many things about his life are just great material. You could do a lot with the gayest-on-the-team, most-manly-in-the-theater thing. Plus, a singer for a Beach Boys cover band? Rich. In addition, his outward support for his mom in a difficult time is more than what 95 percent of people would do. Plus, a decent athlete and the star singer in the track Douchetastic. I'd call it Parker's Gayest Straight Guy with a backup title of Androgyny: The Jared Ming story. Runner-up: Danny Qiu, The Asian Whose English is Better Than Yours.
4. Many website enthusiasts would notice a trend that your stories cram in an astonishingly large amount of porn references. If you got to star in a pornographic movie, who would play the female role? And what would the title of the movie be?
Willis: I'd have to choose my own girlfriend as the co-star, and the title would be something that could also work for a Redhawks story: P-Dub Goes Deep!
5. This year you are turning 38 with Redhawks first baseman Chris Dobson. How long do you expect to play baseball at this level?
Willis: Eh, thanks for the reminder. I still feel like I'm young 30s, though. My goal is to get 100 wins with the Hawks and I think I need about a dozen more. Even if I decline some in the next few seasons, I see myself still being able to contribute as a corner outfielder and No. 3-type starter for quite awhile.
6. In 2009 & 2010 you went a combined 31-4 on the bump. This year you are 3-3. Do you like the increased competition of AA?
Willis: Nice wording. Um, yes, I like the increased competition and I'm not going to blame that for my awful start. I've only had one good start so far, the Chill game. As you know, I've always been a second-half type player, so we'll turn it around. The teams are a little better, especially some of the lineups, but we've yet to see anything overwhelming.
7. What pisses you off more? Having a team forfeit without any notice, or playing a shitty game?
Willis: Definitely a forfeit. We could lose horribly, like Sunday's game, and I'll be right back out there. Forfeits are ridiculous and happen by virtue of shaky, flaky management, and the league needs to police it better with harsher consequences. If anything pushes me out of the league, that'd be it.
8. For a free-swinger who doesn't like to walk, how do you lead the team with 9?
Willis: We saw this a little last year too with an exorbitant amount of walks early. Basically, this means I'm missing the pitches I usually drive and fouling them off. Therefore the count gets extended and I become a walk victim.
9. Since 2002, you have seen a lot of great memories on the field. Rank your top 3.
Willis: 1) I'm lumping both championships together here. The first was sweet because it was our first year, and our second was a redemption after losing a few.
2) In 2009, we were losing 9-7 to the Bears and I was up with us down to our final out. I homered to center to tie it 9-9 and we won 10-9 in extras. That was part of a rare homer binge for me in which somehow I got four in a two-game span.
3) The Isotopes game last season, with the league title on the line, when we hit eight homers and won 24-5. Corey hit three, me two, and Dobs, Serena and you also had one. That one is tied with shutting out the high-scoring Blues 5-0 in the 2004 semis.
10. If the Red Hawks girlfriends, fiances and wives started a softball team, how would you write the lineup?
Willis: Finally an easy one. Batting order with positions:
SS Shannon Ortiz (Derek's chick)
LF Kelsey Frankl (Garrett's chick)
C Jenn Guzman (my chick)
DH Meg Kullerd (Matt's chick).
3B Ariana Dobson
1B Haley Carle
2B Ashley Wyett
RF Traci Jensen (Jared's part-time chick)
CF Kasia Farnam
With a pitching rotation of Sarah Rosalies, Alysen H. (Tommy's chick) and Meghan V. (Chuck's chick).
11. If you could swap athletic skills with any Major League player for a day, who would it be?
Willis: Probably Justin Verlander. I know what it feels like to hit a homer, know what it's like to pitch a good game. But have know idea what it feels like to throw in the high-90s. That'd be a rush.
12. Fast forward to next summer. Your book has blazed to the top of the charts, and you now find yourself with fame and fortune. Walk us through the dream life of Paul Willis.
Willis: First off, all my bills would be wiped clean and I'd be out of this house. I couldn't imagine the stress relief of not having a car payment or having to pay down credit cards and a mortgage. Then, since writing is what I do, I could do it anywhere. I'd spend half the year in Maui, half here and traveling. I'd visit you guys twice a year. Once a year. Once every two years. Once every five. I wouldn't visit you at all. . . . Ha ha. Just playing. I'd probably build us our own park, actually.
12 Questions with Chuck Gillem
By Paul N. Willis
It’s been a summer of promotion for Chuck Gillem. He’s went from 18A to 18AA. He’s went from a server at the Melting Pot to a superintendent at MAX Construction Inc. From a student to a real job. And his homer totals are rising like the typical male’s dong at a Vegas stripper extravaganza.
He’s hit five round-trippers in the first seven games, clubbing them so frequently that it seems as if he’s starting to get bored with the trot.
“Every time Chuck hits a bomb, I’m surprised he doesn’t get beaned the next time because of how slow he jogs around the bases,” teammate Danny Qiu said.
Gillem, a first-year Redhawks player and one of two Oregon transplants on the team, has quickly morphed into one of the Hawks’ finest players. His out-of-this-orbit start to the season – .500, five bombs, 14 RBI – made him the top vote-getter for the All-Star Game.
Much of his family remains in Oregon, including younger sister Gracie Gillem – Gracie GILLEM, people, not Gracie Glam, calm down – a cosmetic salesperson for Bobby Brown Cosmetics in Bend, Ore. His older sister has two little ones.
“Call me Uncle Chuck,” Gillem said. “No don’t, actually.”
The Redhawks site caught up with Gillem this week, and, since he requested “good questions,” rang him through the ringer with the most challenging version yet. Of note, Gillem adds the disclaimer: “Nothing personal to any of you whom I mentioned . . . mostly.”
1. Growing up in Oregon, you had no home-state MLB team. Who'd you adopt, and do you like them more than the Rocks?
Gillem: Funny you ask. I grew up a huge Mariners fan due to the fact they are the closest MLB team and they used to be shit when they had A-Rod, The Kid, Dan Wilson, Bonehead, Edgar, Randy Johnson. Man those were the days. But I actually used to attend tons of Bend Rockies games when they were they Single-A affiliate of the Rockies and have been a Rockies fan since, too. I used to watch guys like Neifi Perez way back in the day. I still rock my Bend Rockies shirt all the time.
2. Mockingly write a few sentences of a typical Redhawks game report. You can make up the details.
Gillem: Headline: REDHAWKS COME FROM BEHIND (AGAIN)
While many of the players on the Redhawks have gotten used to these sorts of games, they never get easier. Down 17 runs heading into the seventh inning, the Redhawks hitters battled and chipped away until the bottom half of the ninth inning, when they walked off – on top (not always the case).
Paul Willis, the man credited with giving up seven home runs and 16 runs total – not all earned of course – redeemed himself with a walk-off G-slam.
After the game, he was quoted as saying: “Well, if you SOBs would have played better defense, I wouldn't have had to bail you guys out.”
3. Name one major leaguer who is not a star but you'd like to have him on your team and, by contrast, name a major leaguer you'd never want on your team because he's a douche.
Gillem: I would love to have a guy like Michael Young, who is one of the most consistent hitters of all time, and I would absolutely hate to have Barry Bonds as a teammate. One of the truest assholes in sports.
4. Grab your iPod, hit shuffle and write down the first three songs, giving a one-sentence review of each.
Gillem: Wow, this is gonna be good.
Song No. 1: Snoop Dogg ft. Damian Marley, Get A Light. I love Snoop and his style and have always been a huge West Coast rap fan.
Song No. 2: Mac Dre, I'm a Savage. Gotta support Bay Area rap and the king of Thizz Mac Dre. RIP Yadadamean.
Song No. 3: Lloyd Banks, Start It Up. I was introduced to G-Unit in high school when my best friend was a huge 50 fan. We kind of had our own little G-Unit crew with my homies and each of us was one of the members. Everyone referred to us as the G-Unit crew. Haha, those were the days.
If you can't tell, I get down with rap music. But I do like other genres for sure. My fourth song was Tom Petty’s Free Falling believe it or not.
5. Which best describes you, and why? A) Never give a fuck about a hater. B) Got money on your radar. C) Dressed like a skater.
Gillem: Got money on your radar best describes me for sure. I love money and it makes me very happy, haha, but I also have a pretty solid vans collection, so say what you want.
6. Entering last season's championship game, what was the outlook? Obviously, you're playing to win, but did you think you'd rout us, have to play a perfect game, etc.?
Gillem: I knew we had to play well to beat you guys, but I felt extremely confident we would win and, especially since we raked on you guys last time we played, I felt good about it. Unfortunately we didn't get the bats going in that game.
7. Let's say you're suddenly in charge of the Redhawks. What's your first move?
Gillem: If I was suddenly put in charge I would hold two mandatory practices a week, two hours each session complete with wind sprints, pole-to-poles, and baserunning. Oh, and a little bit of BP and defense I guess. We need to be conditioned better to win this league! Haha, just kidding, eff that. I wouldn't change anything but make Jared sing more Beach Boys songs
8. Which is more surprising: That Chris Dobson and Danny Qiu have zero combined homers or that you have five?
Gillem: Probably a little bit of both. I have never been a home-run hitter, but my swing feels good this summer and it’s paying off. I am surprised Danny and Dobs have zero because I have seen Danny hit plenty of monster bombs and once he gets hot, watch out.
9. Give us the rundown about your girlfriend, Meghan (pictured with Gillem in photo). How'd you get together, what's she do, etc.?
Gillem: She is one of the reasons I am in Denver actually. We met at Western Oregon University when we both went there and she got into nursing school here immediately, so she decided to come back – she's from Littleton – and I was over that awful school so I decided to do something totally new and move out here too. So far it’s been great. I love Denver and we both just got new jobs. She's a nurse at St. Anthony's in Lakewood.
10. For each of these, choose a different Redhawks player who you'd trust to do the task . . . but there's a catch. You can't choose any of your former Rebels boys. Can only choose a player one time. Here we go, pick a guy to: A) Pick up your mom and bring your mom to the airport because you got caught up somewhere. B) Drink till dawn without passing out. C) Study for an important test and take it under your name. D) Go out as a single guy and bring the hottest chick home.
Gillem: A) I would have to pick D-Swain because he is a class act and seems to have his shit figured out being a dad now, so he probably wouldn't mess it up.
B) I know I can’t pick T-Cow or Danny for this but they would be my first choices. I have partied till the wee hours of the morning with both of them. Asians party hard! I haven't partied with anyone else on the team really, but I'll go with BG because he's a big boy and I’m sure he can hold his own.
C)I would pick G-Smash to study for my test because he's in college, so he knows how to bullshit an exam just like I do.
D) I'm gonna pick Ming for this one. Not because he is good-looking or anything, but because girls love gay dudes for some reason and especially those who talk a lot.
11. Let's say the lineup is Gillem-Steinert-Ming-Dobson-Willis-Cowan-Carle-Qiu-Wyett-Hohnholt with Rosalies pitching. Now, take those 11 and give us your most functional starting 11 for a football offense.
Gillem: Well, I’m going to pick Tommy as QB, G-Smash as RB, BG as my center, Ming as TE, Dobbs LG, Phil as RG, Tom Carle as LT, Paul as my RT, myself, Danny Qiu, and Matt as WRs. Solid team. Anyone wanna battle us?
12. What is the perfect meal for you, with what beverage to accompany it?
Gillem: Perfect meal is hot-and-sour soup, sesame chicken, po fied ri, crab and cheese wontons, and an iced cold Mountain Dew. Hot damn!
12 Questions with Douglas Swain Farnam
By Matt J Hohnholt
Redhawks Second Baseman
As seasons come and seasons go, some things will always remain the same for the Redhawks. Paul Willis will always have a porn star or two in the game stories. Jared Ming and Tom Carle will always have a song in their hearts. Garrett Steinert will always throw helmets. Derek Johnson will always have to work on Sunday. Douglas Swain Farnam will always weigh 145, and Chris Dobson will always be . . . well . . . Chris Dobson.
What most people don’t realize is that the Redhawks organization is also a place where players gradually ditch their party-animal lifestyle and somehow turn into responsible husbands and fathers (Dobson excluded). Over the years, this couldn’t be more true for Swain Farnam, a Redhawks outfielder. Since Doug joined the team in 2006 he has experienced marriage, graduation, and recently became a father for the very first time.
With the recent birth of his new daughter, he joins Dobson, Phil Wyett and Eric Remelius as the fourth father on the team. If Swain Farnam follows the same trend, the Redhawks can expect him to weigh in at 230 and start hitting eight-to-10 bombs a year. When asked about this theory, Dobson, the Redhawks manager and first baseman said: “If it were that easy I’d have more kids.”
Whether the theory of dads hitting more home runs is debatable, it makes you wonder if Chuck Gillem is secretly some kid’s baby daddy. Regardless of this, we know one thing: every Redhawk dreams about the day when they finally lose their home-run virginity. Speaking of guys losing their virginity, this weekend we celebrate all of the guys who have lost their virginity with Father’s Day. In the spirit of this holiday, the site caught up with new father Swain Farnam this week to discuss all of the exciting new changes in his life. Read on to learn the story behind the Swain.
1. 2011 has been a big year for you. How is life treating you as a new dad?
Swain Farnam: It has been great so far. No complaints other than the fact that I haven't slept through a night in almost two months now.
2. Since becoming a father your batting average has skyrocketed. What are your thoughts on this?
Swain Farnam: I think that she is my little good luck charm and maybe if I’m lucky I can get some of that old-man power!
3. Studies have shown that most new fathers gain around 15 pounds during the pregnancy. Have you gone up from the 145 listed on the website?
Swain Farnam: I definitely haven't. I go back and forth between 142 and 145. Although I think I might be bulking up from lifting her up and down all the time, so we will see if it will come later.
4. You recently graduated from Metro in the same class as Jared. How did you manage to pull this off?
Swain Farnam: Not sure if you mean graduating with Jared or graduating from Metro in the first place. Short answer for both It’s been a very long road.
5. Your degree was in Aviation Technology. When will you be flying Dobson to Vegas as a commercial pilot?
Swain Farnam: I come with a fairly high price tag so I might need to see some financials from him first but hopefully soon. FYI Chris, most pilots get put up by their employer while traveling and let them play golf on their dime so you better not go cheap on me.
6. Speaking of Dobson, you live the closest to him than any other Redhawks player. How is this working out?
Swain Farnam: It works out good most of the time. As of late I think both of us have been to busy to take advantage of it to much, but I think I might be catching a ride with him all the time now that he has the Caddy.
7. If Jared Ming and Danny Qui were Kamikaze pilots for the planes carrying sports teams, which two teams would you like to see crash into the sea? (No one is killed in this question; they just live with Sponge Bob under the sea.)
Swain Farnam: I would have to say the Oakland Raiders for obvious reasons. The second one is much harder. I would have to say the New York Yankees because they are what is bad about baseball or maybe every team from Boston because I just can’t stand when cities think their teams are better than everyone else's just because they have been around for ever. Oh, and their fans are just horrible to listen to.
8. What happens first? A. You get your flying license. B. You hit your first fly over the fence.
Swain Farnam: Well, I already have my flying license, but for the sake of this argument, we will say getting paid for flying. In that case I might have to say my first home run because it feels like I should have a handful already with how many times I have hit the fence!
9. You grew up as an identical twin with your brother Robert. Do you have any funny stories about being a twin?
Swain Farnam: Sorry, but no good stories here. Nothing about girls or switching classes or anything like that.
10. Last year the team dubbed you with the nickname of D-Swain. What is the story behind the “Swain”? Were you ever just Doug Farnam?
Swain Farnam: Nope, never been just Doug Farnam, My middle name is Swain so it’s been around for a while.
11. For a skinny white kid, you have a pretty mean crypt walk. Which Redhawk could challenge you the most in a dance off?
Swain Farnam: Well, if you ask Dobs he would say that he has already beat me twice in dance-offs but we all know that’s just not the case. So I would have to say Jared because it always seems like he is dancing and singing.
Dobson’s Response: As a Fathers Day gift to Doug I won’t break him too bad, but the crowd’s cheers and subsequent hickeys I received reveal the truth.
12. 2011 marks your sixth season with the Redhawks. What is your favorite team moment on or off the field?
Swain Farnam: Favorite team moment would have to be the run we went on my second year to make it to the championship game, as well as winning it all last year. Off the field I would have to say telling you, Matt, that you will feel much better if you stand up, and then seeing the pictures of you from over the stall puking into the toilet. That was a great night. Oh, except for the part where my phone was calling Chris even though I was right next to him. Maybe that’s why, even though we live so close, we haven't been hanging out as much because I always seem to get into trouble when hanging out with him.
12 Questions with Tommy Cowan
By Paul Willis
With a group of mostly soft-spoken dudes other than first baseman Chris Dobson, the Redhawks added more than talent when they obtained three former Rebels players this season.
Catcher/infielder/pitcher Tommy Cowan (pictured with girlfriend Alysen Hargrove) fits into the alpha-male mold of a Dobson, albeit in a different way. He is 6-foot-3, 225, but somehow looks bigger. He's one of those rare people in which you could accurately make the confusing comment "he's big for his size."
But that might be because he is undoubtedly heard when he speaks - he admits his voice carries - which creates a larger persona.
"I don't know if I would say he's the alpha male, but he is definitely heard by others in one way or another - if that makes sense," said catcher Chuck Gillem, another former Rebel and a long-time friend of Cowan's. "He's always talking - mostly talking shit - and likes to be heard. He mostly just likes to hear himself talk, I think."
The Rebels lost to the Redhawks in the championship game last season, but Cowan and Gillem ran into this reporter at a Nuggets game and decided to join forces. Cowan has struggled a bit at the plate to start the season, but just hit his first homer on Sunday and will be fine as a middle-of-the-lineup guy. He's been lights-out as a closer-type reliever and is the hardest thrower on the team.
The site caught up with Cowan, a budding photographer who is cultivating his own business and who Dobson believes resembles Rockies pitcher Jason Hammel, for 12 Questions:
1. How did you perceive the Redhawks when you were still on the Rebels? Were we good, bad, beatable, cocky, etc.?
Cowan: Well, we all hated Dobs, but that hasn't changed. Anytime you're a team competing with another good team you never really like them, but that's between the lines. I never hesitated to come to the Redhawks because I knew everyone would be pretty chill.
2. Meeting in the same beer line at the same Nuggets game with 17,000 people. What were the odds of that?
Cowan: Chuck and I were actually talking on the way to the Pepsi Center that we needed to contact you because we didn't want to go through the draft and end up on a shitty team and it was pretty insane to see you there. Guess it was meant to be.
3. Why are you such a fan of the Oregon State Beavers?
Cowan: I'm from Portland, Ore. and my Dad went to OSU, so I grew up always hating the Ducks. And in Portland, other than the Blazers, there are no pro teams, so you are usually either a Duck or Beaver and I've always rooted for the underdog for just about everything.
4. You've had your girlfriend for awhile so we won't ask about your celebrity crush. But if you were picking a hot celebrity for, say, Jared, who would it be?
Cowan: Elton John, no doubt.
5. You have a college final but are going to be disastrously sick. Good thing it's a big class, because no will know if you send someone else. Which Redhawks player do you send to take a random test in hopes of passing?
Cowan: It sure as hell isn't Danny. He'd show up on the wrong day or something. So I'd say Chuck because I dont really know anyone else's book smarts on the team and he just graduated from CU Denver doin' big things. So I'll go with him.
6. How long did it take you to learn everyone's name and start separating everybody?
Cowan: Not gonna lie, took awhile. I've always been so shitty with remembering names. I didn't know Dobs for awhile. I just knew him as the dude who grunted every time he swung and big-leagued everyone with his helmet. Haha!
7. Who is the biggest douche? (Not on the team, but in life; could be someone you know, someone famous, anyone).
Cowan: Nicholas Cage. I'd punch that guy in the face if I ever saw him.
8. What are your feelings about the wood-bat tournament, in which we could get five games in three days?
Cowan: It'll be a lot of fun. It's always nice to play a bunch of games in a row but I've never been able to hit with wood too well. Could be spending some money on some bats this tourney.
9. If you were commissioner of MLB for one day, what would be your first order of business?
Cowan: Hire Uma Thurman to kill all of the Steinbrenners.
10. Tell us a little about your business, T5 Photography.
Cowan: Graduated college a year-and-a-half ago with my photography degree and started my own business. It's not fulltime yet, simply because I don't have the clientele for it yet, but next summer I expect to be fully dependent on my business for income.
Its name is T5 Photography because I'm the fifth Thomas in a row in my family and my grandfather nicknamed me T5 a long time ago and it just stuck in my family. My main market is weddings, but if someone wanted to pay me, I'll shoot just about anything. Check out my website at www.t5photodenver.com. Thanks for the plug Paul, haha!
11. Which Redhawks player do you think would act the most different drunk than sober?
Cowan: Danny, because I've seen it. Asians apparently turn bright red in the face when they drink. Shit is hilarious. One of my favorite people drunk.
12. More extroverted: You, Dobs or Garrett?
Cowan: Tough one. We all have different qualities feeding off of other people. I'd probably say me just because I know I hate being alone and love being around other people. Garrett is a great teammate but seems like he could be somewhat reserved on a personal level.
12 Questions with Garrett Steinert
By Paul Willis
They call him G-Smash, although it’s unclear whether the nickname is a reference to his hitting or his sadistic temperament after making an out. Probably some of both.
Whatever the case, color the Redhawks’ Garrett Steinert the polar opposite of his teammates and high school buddies Jared Ming and Tom Carle, who often sing harmoniously during games.
“G-Smash is so straight that he doesn’t even drink Gatorade,” Ming said. “He drinks Straight-or-ade.”
Indeed, Steinert will marry longtime girlfriend Kelsey Frankl later this year (both pictured on the right), validating the notion that he is hetero. What hasn’t been confirmed is whether the ultra-serious Steinert, a left-handed hitter who reached the roof of Green Mountain High earlier this season, has a relaxed, happy-go-lucky side.
“I’ve seen him chuckle, but I’m not sure if I’ve seen him laugh,” Redhawks first baseman Chris Dobson said.
Steinert granted a rare interview this week in which we examined his rage, opinions of teammates and his reaction to some quirky inquiries in 2011’s first installment of 12 Questions.
1. Assuming all the Redhawks were single, who would you picture being most able to pick up chicks on a weekend night downtown?
Steinert: Probably Jared, because he has had the most practice trying to find a girl that he can keep around for more than a couple weeks. Plus, girls eat up all the singing and acting gay crap. Who knows why.
2. Are you as pissed off at work and in regular life as you seemingly are sometimes at baseball?
Steinert: I’m not a pissed-off person; I’m just my own toughest critic and I expect perfect out of myself, and when it doesn’t happen, I have my G-Smash rage outbursts.
3. A lot of you Chaparral boys seem to have long relationships with your high school sweethearts. Tom with Haley, Corey with Sarah, Jared with a few, and you with Kelsey. Random occurrence or something to it?
Steinert: I think it is mostly a random occurrence.
4. How thoroughly did you keep up with the team after your knee injury last season?
Steinert: After getting hurt, I read every game story but unfortunately did not make it out to any of the games. I knew the team was going to win it all without watching any more games, though.
5. Before you joined the team, you mentioned reading some of the game stories. What was your impression before you met any of us?
Steinert: Well I actually don’t remember reading any of the game stories but I did hear a lot from Jared and Corey, and truthfully, the only person I was a bit worried about was Nate. That’s not too shocking considering the source I was getting my information from, but I have to say the info wasn’t that far off.
6. Which of the following is least likely to happen: A) The Redhawks hit back-to-back-to-back bombs in a game; B) You finish the season with a sub-.300 average; C) Jared and Tom don't sing for a whole game; D) The Rockies end with a higher winning percentage than the Redhawks.
Steinert: It is definitely least likely that Jared and Tom don’t sing for a game.
7. So far you've played shortstop and center. Which do you more enjoy, and what do you consider your natural position?
Steinert: It is hard to say which I enjoy more; there are things I like about both, but because I am a natural infielder I probably enjoy shortstop a bit more. My natural position is third base.
8. Are rappers poets?
Steinert: They may be poets, but they all write poems about meaningless crap. I’m not sure if can consider that an art, but what would I know?
9. So far you've hit under .200, albeit with two homers. Granted, it's early, but what is the chief factor in the early slump?
Steinert: I think the chief factor of the slump is putting too much pressure on myself, that I’m more concerned about getting a hit than hitting the ball hard and I’m losing a bit of focus at the plate. As Tom told me, I just need to start having fun and the hits will come.
10. You're in a bar brawl and can have three Redhawks with you. Who and why?
Steinert: Tom, Jared, and Dobs, because they are the three biggest and for some reason, when I thought of people that could fight, those were the first three that popped into my mind.
11. We've added a few Rebels this season and they all have been cool. What would have been your reaction if one was Mario?
Steinert: Had we added Mario, I would have either quit or I would have killed Mario after about 30 seconds of Mario being himself.
12. List the things you like and hate about Facebook.
Steinert: Truthfully, I’m not a huge fan of Facebook. I rarely use it. If I had to say what my least favorite part of it was, it would be people updating their status. Who really cares about what you had for dinner last night or what you’re doing right this minute? That shit drives me crazy. My favorite part is probably the fact that I can look a people’s pictures and see what they have been up to and occasionally catch up with a friend I haven’t seen in a while.